Crazy connection

First Love

Chapter 1

London

Looking out the train window as the meek autumn landscape flies past, I see buildings coming up ahead and I can feel the anxiety build up inside me again as the train trundles along. Not long now and I’ll be in London.

Dreaded busy London, Carmel thinks to herself.

Almost two years since the start of the Covid 19 pandemic. Carmel is still struggling with feelings of anxiety. Remembering now, those terrible weeks leading to the death of her best friend and room mate. How, after they’ed both caught a mild case of Covid in the first wave and both seemingly recovered after two weeks of being ill. How, Pam then started with a little morning cough and how it developed over the weeks, thinking it was maybe her asthma playing up. How it came and went for weeks, before, walking into the living room after work one day and looking at me with those deep grey eyes of hers, almost pleading for help but unable to actually say anything before collapsing.

Two agonising weeks of her being in a hospital bed. At first, she seemed to be fine after some oxygen treatment, to then later deteriorating again and being told she has long covid and that she needs to be put under so that she can recover. To finally, her not coming back at all.

That last video call… if only I knew it was going to be our last.. I would have said goodbye properly. Told her how much she meant to me, and how she’d turned my life around that day we met at Uni.

Pam taught me how to live. How to be truly alive. She taught me the value in living each day to the fullest with no regrets. Her infectious laugh and gorgeous smile. How everyone loved to be around her. She was the life of the party, even when there wasn’t a party.

How I miss her so!

After her death, I couldn’t bare to leave the house. Anxiety and fear of catching Covid again, crippled me.

Pushing thoughts of Pam out of my mind because I can feel the heat of searing tears threatening the corners of my eyes. I tell myself, “Covid can do one! it’s time to live again!”

I check my shoulder bag to make sure I’m equipped with all the essentials. Spare masks and hand gel, check!

Turning my thoughts to something more intriguing.

Daniel.

Not entirely sure how to refer to him, is he my ex-boyfriend? It was such a long time ago that we dated. Just kids fresh out of high school really.

Daniel was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first everything if you know what I mean. Thinking of Daniel now, wondering if he’ll still be as good looking as he was years ago. Tall, athletic, dark hair, broad shoulders, dark brooding eyes that make me melt and that naughty grin.

With a little excitement in my belly, and trepidation in my mind I get off the train when it pulls into Paddington station.

Looking around, it’s a lot busier at Paddington station then it was at little old Weston-Supermare where I’d left home, bound for London.

It’s like looking at a sea of people. A pang of panic hits me like a ton of brick. I can’t see Mag’s.

Where is she?

Margret, everyone calls her Mag’s, is my little sister, she’s meant to be meeting me here. There’s no way I was coming to London to meet up with a flame from fifteen years ago without backup. Especially after the way we broke up at the time. He was such a great guy, but after a while he became so obsessive and controlling. I just hope it was an age thing, you know, being so young. I’m intrigued to see if he’s matured and somehow grown out of his jealous tendencies. From our online conversations of late, he still seems like a really great guy, funny and charismatic. I just hope it’s not all too good to be true, we really do seem to hit it off on another level, compared to any other guys I’ve ever dated.

This is what makes me nervous. Thoughts of meeting him and him still being strangely obsessed with me. It’s scary, but at the same time exciting too. He was always so gentle and caring and when things were good between us we shared such a deep connection together.

However, at the time, at such a young age, he became too claustrophobic for me. I know it’s because he needed to have control over his life and everyone close to him because of issues he had in his home life.

I think he felt like he had something good with me and I guess he didn’t want to loose it so tried to keep hold of me by wanting to know every aspect of my life. To have someone who was so obsessed with my every move was physically and emotionally draining. Constantly wanting to know who I was speaking to, what I was wearing and where I was going. It was just not a healthy place to be at such a young age. I wasn’t equipped to deal with the deep seated issues he was going through. I cared deeply for him and wanted to be there for him but at the same time I wanted to run a mile because I was scared. I definitely did the right thing by breaking it off with him and moving on with my life. It’s just the way I did it that I feel so guilty about.

I look around searching, still with a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach I try to find Mags amongst all these people.

Don’t they know there’s a pandemic!

The panic sets in and I start thinking, this was a stupid idea, what on earth made me decide to do this stupid journey into London? Especially to see someone who is after so many years, nothing but a perfect stranger.

Thinking back now to the evening I got a message request from Daniel on f*******:. I was just relaxing with a glass of wine and enjoying a slice of pizza. A tradition that Pam and I had every Tuesday evening we’d order the dominos two for Tuesday pizza’s and would drink a bottle of wine together. It was our time for catching up. When we would have each other’s undivided attention. We would talk about how irritating work had been, or how our man search was going, or anything that we had on our minds. It was our once a week b***h session where we could laugh as loud and as crazy as we did or we could sob and cry our eyes out.The only thing missing now though is Pam.

So there I was, honouring our two for Tuesday catch up. I’d ordered Pams favourite, pepperoni, and was miserably crying into my glass of wine as I ate my own ham and pineapple slice, contemplating what the point to life was, wondering if I’d die alone and miserable..When my phone pinged.

It was a pm from Daniel.

The second I saw his name appear with the message, my heart jumped. As if I’d been struck by an electric shock.

I pull my phone out now and read the message again. It’s a long one

“Carmel, how are you babe? Long time no see.

I know it’s been forever since we last saw or spoke to each other, but I’m coming to London to work and I was wondering if you would like to meet up?

I’ve not been abroad before and friends of mine who have been over say it’s a good idea to get someone who knows London to show me around as it takes some getting used to.

You know me, I’ve been living in Rustenburg my whole life. I’d get lost in my back yard, let alone London”.

(Baring in mind I was born in sunny South Africa and moved to England in my early 20’s. Which is why he is referring to London as traveling abroad. He will be coming to London from South Africa).

Message continued, “I thought of you as I know you’ve been living in England for some time now and Cindy, (an old friend of Carmel’s from school who is still in touch with from time to time), mentioned you had spent some time in London.

I understand if you can’t or wouldn’t want to, but I’d love to see you again and catch up on old times.”

“What do you say?

Would you like to?”

I don’t know if it was the fact that I’d drunk a half a bottle of wine or not, but I instantly replied with a, “yeah, that would be fantastic!”

“When do you arrive in London?”

Cringe face as I re-read my reply to him.