I Wish

Chapter 7

Star gossip, and I was never going to call that anything else ever again, came easily. Talking about how this month was a good time for a fresh start, or that I was suggested and I quote ‘leisure options that involve learning a new skill or participating in cultural activities, or crafts that require attention to detail,’ was thoughtlessly simple. Ivy had opinions, of course, particularly on the latter, which were all a strange mix of wonderfully colourful, magically induced comfort that was unexplainably unsettling. For a multitude of reasons.

“Cultural activities and attention to detail? Well, that’s one way to describe what you’re going to be doing, mated to a faerie. It’s not like you haven’t broken two of the major rules already,” she had informed me. It had the same tone to it as a lecture, only implied, and it felt shitty. I could have kept telling her more gossip about my horoscope, about if my life felt disjointed or I felt overwhelmed that it had been predicted. Now was the time to change that. I could have, but as I laid there with my cheek going numb from where it was pressed against her for so long I just – didn’t want to.

“I never agreed to that,” I said quietly. Ivy’s grip got tight, and she rolled us both onto our sides so as to be better able to look me in the eye. Glare at me more like it, and that that wasn’t even bringing up the noise she made. Our legs had become a complicated tangle, but there was plenty of space between our torsos. The air there vibrated in a feral snarl that tore through me like tissue paper. Oh dear, that… that definitely did things to me. I could feel her fingers digging tight in my arms, and the hurried way that air rushed in and out of my lips. Dizzily I shivered.

“Yet,” Ivy says in a dangerous hiss, “Haven’t agreed, yet. If you ever want to go home, at any point at all, the operative word is yet.” Still dizzy enough that it was as if I was lost in some kind of fog, I could picture them. My little brothers, my mum and dad, and the backyard of our house.

“I need to go home,” I stressed. Apologetic about it, even though I knew damn well I wasn’t supposed to want to be. Even with this need to be glued to her, this was the point where I really wanted to go home. My head started to pound and my stomach rolled as the rest of me wouldn’t, or couldn’t, deal with that. Incapable of processing that sentiment or any idea that I could ever leave her.

“I know,” she told me furiously, “I KNOW. I just don’t like it. So if you could please, please, not make this any harder than it needs to be and go.” On the written page it might have looked like begging. The silky order she had just issued was anything but. For a moment there was silence, belatedly I realised that I was supposed to respond to that. Before I could, her hands let go of me so suddenly, I could almost hear the snick of a bear-trap releasing when she did, and whimpered. Stuck at how small and heartbroken it sounded, I almost didn’t notice that I was the one making it. Ivy flopped on her back, and blew out a heavy sigh. Eyes momentarily squeezing shut tight, as if this was as difficult for her as it was for me and - I didn’t want there to be empathy, damn it. I should not have to feel bad for having feelings, ones that mattered - and they did, just because Ivy didn’t like it.

“Can I?” I forced myself to stop speaking, hating the way I was about to ask for permission. Of all the bullshit tonight had brought, being magically tricked into believing I needed permission really was the cherry on top of this cluster f**k.

“It doesn’t mean I’m abandoning you,” Ivy assured me, green orbs flickering open to stare at me solemnly, “But I’d hate for you to lose more of your senses than strictly necessary.” I think the only reason I wasn’t still plastered to the floor was because she had levered us up from where we were lying, to an upright sitting position at least. Which was where we had to pause to detangle our legs. So I could be forgiven for not giving her statement the appropriate amount of thought it deserved, looking back on it later. Although I said we, sorting us out was more an effort on her part than mine. We stood slightly apart and I wanted to crumble at the idea that we were separating, and that she would go… Oh f**k, I didn’t even know where she was going to go. Where she was going to be when she was… away from me. Oh god, I was either going to start sobbing or throw up. Damn it! This was not acceptable.

“This is messed up. And creepy. And stalker-like, although I can’t work out which one of us would be the stalker, all topped off with magical insurance,” I told her instead of the freak attack I wanted to have, “I resent not being able to form my own opinion, let alone be responsible for my own actions.”

“I know,” she soothed while we both just sort of stood there like two awkward bumps on a log before this mischievous s**t-eating grin crossed her face, “And you’re going to miss me.” The small part of me refused to let me lie about that? It could go jump.

“Yeah, I’m going to miss you,” I admitted to her, and still made no move to leave. Even though I knew, I knew that, I wanted to go.

“Before you leave,” Ivy said, tripping over the L word with a wince, “There is still the matter of your name. You gave it to me. I own it, and therefore nobody else will be able to use it.” That was… so not how this worked. She knew that. Right? She had to know that?

“Ivy,” I said patiently, “You know other people know my name, right? They aren’t just going to up and magically forget just because you decide that they should.” She looked bemused, and almost like she thought I was cute, when I told her that.

“They will,” she said, obviously very satisfied with herself, “I replaced it. I will be the only one to ever speak your true name again. You will simply be known as Rose.” Okay, so that was the closest to anger I’d come in her presence. That was. How dare she? HOW DARE SHE?! It echoed through me so furiously I opened my mouth to unleash a torrent of just how not on I found this, when it suddenly clicked closed again. Only a single word escaped.

“Rose?” I asked harshly, before a switch in my brain flipped and decided all on its own that she was delusional. That she had to be, because there were no words for how purely f****d all of this was, and my head just went ‘No, no. Not happening, best circumvent it.’ This was exhausting. “No,” I argued plainly, for all that my voice was whisper soft. Her eyes flashed.

“Yes, I know you don’t like it,” she returned, although she didn’t sound like she was sure about that, “But frankly, I know many others who would do far worse than this if given the chance. Now they cannot, because it belongs to me and I will never let anyone else have it.” That I believed, it rang through the air like a pledge. As if Ivy was certain she was doing me some great favour. Delusional, I reminded myself.

“I’m going to leave now,” I told her quietly, but I didn’t move.

“Yes,” she agreed and there it was again – permission, “When you’re ready, come back. I’ll be waiting for you. Now go.” It was like I was being ordered and I was going to obey, because I wanted to. Uh-oh, nope, or rather not exactly. I wasn’t sure what I wanted, and that was incredibly disorientating because I was a girl who generally knew what I wanted, and was not shy about it. Finally, I settle down, heart thumping in my chest. I wasn't 100% sure that what I wanted to happen now, is what I would want to have happened later, but I went for it anyway.

Her lips were softer than anything I could ever imagine. A delighted hum escaped her, and my feet went out from under me. Literally, she picked me up and twirled me around. I squeaked and her tongue slipped into my mouth. I could taste her giddiness. When she pulled away there was a distinctive mwah sound, as she popped me on my feet. A fluttery follow-up kiss was pressed to my forehead. I wasn’t sure where the part where I stormed off was amusing, but her giggles could be heard as I crunched and stomped my way out the way I came. Once I got back to the path, I stopped and rested my fingertips on my lips. Interesting? Well, she wasn’t wrong, I definitely had something interesting going on now.