Beyond The Wall

Come back

In the beginning, it was good it was soo good. You could see it in the way my eyes sparkled every time those crystal clear blue eyes focused on me. I felt like I was the most important person in his life. But like I said that was the beginning. This video show was being replayed to me for the second day, nothing new, just mine and Nate's toxic relationship. I almost felt ashamed of who I was at some point during our relationship. I focused briefly on the scene before me, we were going on a mystery trip and I couldn't believe that Nate brought me here, we just started dating not even three months past. Our main destination was Cairo, but we were here for the river Nile, our as Nate said it we were here for me. Meaning he wanted me to see the place where the delta formed in Lower Egypt, where the Nile River spreads out and drains into the Mediterranean Sea. I started crying on seeing the video of us on the shore looking at the distance of the Mediterranean Sea. The sky was beautiful, and the sea made it look like a million-dollar painting. Tears started to fall unwillingly down my face, It was the first time I cried since that day with X. I didn't cry because I missed that day in Egypt with Nate, I knew what happened later that day and I didn't want that to surface in the next video stream. But life is not about what we want it's about putting up with something. So I watched it all day and the next day and for the hellish ten days, I watched how I slept with him that night, and then I watched myself reading that offensive message... 

"I slept with Delta, finally after three months she gave it up"

His friends reply "And was she tight?"

"Yes, but what if there is someone out there that feels better?"

Even after four years of that message, I still felt ashamed and dirty. I knew I shouldn't have read it then, you should never look through somebody's stuff it will only hurt you. I never told Nate I read that. That was my first time, and that one message ruined it, it made me feel like I was not good enough. And from that day I became my worst enemy and my prisoner and keeper. I couldn't leave Nate because I didn't want people to think I was a slut, and also I thought nobody would ever want me. I considered myself damaged goods. Just like that, there was nowhere to go, and nowhere to hide, and I couldn't tell anyone my secret. The secret was big and I never shared it with anyone, but it weighed down on my heart. The secret was that I was utterly hopelessly and completely unhappy. I don't know how many times the video replied itself, I counted days by meal pills, and since this video started I think I swallowed five pills, so it would be five days. Once it was shut down and darkness enveloped me I sighed and mumbled "X please come back, I don't want to be alone anymore."

Memories were being played in front of me in the next month, I thought taking the meal pill will stop whoever was playing videos of my memories. I wanted to make them stop so I was obedient, but when a month passed and nothing changed I was so angry. So I decided it was time for a change of plan, and I stopped taking meal pills, five days have passed and my organism started to argue with me, I started vomiting, but help or any kind of human interaction didn't come. I was a prisoner. The memories became worse it was driving me crazy. I could see myself on videos forgiving Nate when he cheated when he didn't even feel sorry for that. I could see myself crying over him. But I could also finally see the truth, he didn't deserve me. 

I didn't deserve that kind of treatment. nobody did. But the thing that killed me, was my stupidity, all those times when I begged him to stay when he didn't even care. I was his secret, and when I would tell people that I had a boyfriend nobody would believe me, except a few close friends who met him. Four f*****g years passed and not once did he tell me he loved me, a birthday gift from him was a standard 52-card deck, and I would understand if he didn't have money but his parents were surgeons which meant he was loaded, later I found out that with the money he got from his parents to buy me a gift, he bought that 1$ card deck and with the other 99$ he bought some happy pills for his Saturday night out with his palls.

The days that followed started to blend, I didn't know how much time has passed, I just knew I was angry all of the f*****g time. I was sure if I could see Nate I would probably strangle him.

Today was like any other day but I had enough of everything, I was irritated at the predicament that I found myself in. When I woke up I stood up from the bed and went to have a shower. I would never let my hygiene go bad for anything or anyone, I was too much of a clean freak.

Drying my hair with the towel I could see some split ends, my hair was growing fast, when I came back into the room all the walls were black. Maybe that was a little break, but that didn't last for long.

Drying my hair with the towel I could see some split ends, my hair was growing fast, when I came back into the room all the walls were black. Maybe that was a little break, but that didn't last for long. A couple of minutes passed and all the screens lit on, for the first time I could see the outside, I watched the sky above me, It was so clear and blue, like on the warm spring day I smiled and lovered my gaze around me, somebody was walking around the box I was in, they made one circle then another and another and then they stopped. They were waiting on something just in front of the door to my box I couldn't see the face, the hood was covering it. I stood on the other side, but I left space between us, I wanted to be able to protect myself if needed. The door slowly opened, and the person entered, taking off the hood of the jacket, I saw the person's face. All the anger that I bottled in my life was near the surface. I gritted my teeth 

"GET OUT. GET THE f**k OUT RIGHT NOW." 

Tears were clouding my eyes, I wasn't sad, I was soo angry I wanted to cry and scream.

"Are you deaf, I don't want to see you, get out!"

The figure in front of me didn't even move an inch. He was just staring at me. Studying me, like an animal in the cage, he didn't take eyes off my face.

I tried once again "LEAVE. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU OR BE NEAR YOU. I DON'T WANT TO BREATHE THE SAME AIR AS YOU."

This time he looked at me from head to toe like he wanted to memorize me, and then he just nodded and left.

I let out a breath and then I screamed, It started from the place of anger, but then my screams continued because my whole body was hurting like it was on fire, every part of me felt like my flesh is being burnt and it was about to fall off. I don't know for how long this continued, I was grateful that in one moment I blacked out from the pain. My conscience was split.