​ELIS'S BORROWED LIFE

Chapter 4 | The Beginning of Change

​I have no real interest in what lies beyond the door that opened automatically. Everything is exactly as it was when I came to the third floor last year. Wait—no, there is a small change. The flower vase that used to be on the stool next to the stairs is gone today. But that stool—the one with the 2cm crack on its wooden leg—is still there, just as it was when I saw it last year. Perhaps she hasn't noticed it. Since it’s on a wooden leg, you wouldn’t see it unless you looked closely. If Mom had seen it, she wouldn’t keep it here; she never keeps damaged items upstairs.

​The floor feels a bit colder here than the upstairs area where I usually stay. I clearly remember there are 14 steps to descend, but getting down them is difficult for me.

​"Mom."

​Mom took my hand. Gosh, is descending stairs really this hard? Mom must think I’m a girl who can’t even manage a simple flight of stairs. If she hadn't held onto me, I would have fallen all the way down to the third floor.

​"Careful, darling... You haven't come down these stairs in a long time. Here, hold onto me."

​When Mom said that, I felt quite uncomfortable. I smiled at her and clung to her arm. Mom, if you had just let me walk freely, I would have been used to this by now. Have you really been restricting my freedom all this time? Why? Perhaps it was because she was afraid I would fall down stairs like this. Honestly, if Mom weren’t here, I would definitely fall today. But perhaps falling once would be a good thing. After all, I haven’t fallen even once until today.

​As I reached the bottom and let go of Mom's hand, I felt like, for the first time in a while, she had let me have my way. Even if I hadn't come today, I was scheduled to be here tomorrow anyway. But truth be told, there is no way she could know my desires because I’ve never told her. I didn’t even feel like telling her. But ever since I saw that video, I feel like there is a world out there that I need to see. Yes, I will see that world, no matter what.

​I have to walk past eight rooms after descending the stairs... Mom called this a "corridor" last year. The doors to those rooms were closed, just as they were back then. Little by little, I could hear voices. It seems the workers are still busy in the room where the event is scheduled for tomorrow.

​Following closely behind Mom into the room prepared for the event, I looked around to see what had changed. Good heavens, it’s exactly the same! The only difference is the unfamiliar maids hanging decorations. They were all dressed in white. The maid who cleans my room wears the same uniform. Calling it a "room" is an understatement; it's twenty times the size of mine. Why, Mom, do we need such a vast space for my birthday? If other guests were coming, I would understand. But for a party just for the two of us, why so much space? Why all these decorations? I had the same question last year, but even now, I don't feel like asking her.

​"Sit here."

​Is Mom really offering me a chair? I, who spend most of the day sleeping and the rest sitting down? Oh, Mom... but I can't say a word; she is my mother, after all. I sat down.

​"Stay there, darling. Don't wander off, alright?"

​She turned and walked toward the staff. Oh, Mom, I can't just sit here! I wanted to scream. But, at the very least, she did let me come here.

​What am I seeing? A man? No, not just one—four of them! Are they really there, or is it just the distance playing tricks on my eyes? No, no, they look just like the ones in that video. Even from the far end of the hall, I can tell they are men. I can’t just sit here anymore. As I stood up and walked toward them, did the floor tiles feel even colder? They are truly captivating. Even with fifteen staff members in the hall, these four men are the first ones I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Ah, wait—no, the first one I saw was the man in the video this morning. These four, if they were undressed, wouldn't they look just like him? Oh, what am I thinking?

​"Elis... where are you going?"

​Mom grabbed my arm. Oh, Mom, don't stop me; I need to see those men up close. I looked at her face in silence.

​"Mom... those are men, aren't they?"

​Mom looked in the direction I was pointing. A smile spread across her face. Oh, thank goodness, it looks like she might actually let me go there.

​"Yes, they are men. Now... why are you heading that way? Go, sit down, or I'm taking you back upstairs."

​The smile on Mom's face had vanished, replaced by a look of stern resolve. I silently sat back in the chair. I looked at the four men again. Are they looking at me? No, no—why would they look at me? Wait... no, you fool, they are looking at you. They really are. The maids had been glancing at me every so often since I arrived, but these four men... did they just notice me? One of them is coming in my direction, isn't he? Yes, he’s coming straight at me. Oh, don't come closer! Why do I keep seeing him as the man from the video this morning? Mom, where are you? I looked at where Mom was standing. She was talking to two maids. Why is she talking? If I talk, it's wrong... this is so unfair, Mom.

​It is certain now that the male employee is heading my way. He keeps his gaze fixed on me. He has the same brown eye color as my mother. There is hair around his mouth and on his cheeks—perhaps men naturally have hair on their faces. He is wearing a white shirt and black trousers. He is truly as captivating as the man in the video. He approaches me with a faint smile; is he going to do to me what the man in the video did to the woman while naked? Oh... I could never do that. I stood up. The man is right beside me... I need to get to Mom. I took a few slow steps, even though I wanted to run toward her.

​"Why are you leaving... just stay there for a moment."

​I couldn't take another step. This is the only male voice I have ever heard in my entire life. How did that sound manage to warm me up like this? Why is my chest beating so fast? I cannot look at him. Yes, I will keep looking down... I won't look at him at all.

​"Why are you afraid?"

​Oh, please don't speak... it's difficult for me. But I don't even have the courage to look up and tell him that. Why is my whole body becoming so warm?

​"What are you afraid of, child?"

​The man has stepped right in front of me. I kept my eyes fixed on the floor. For so long, only my mother has called me 'child.' Why is he saying it, too? Does he see me as a little girl as well? Am I really a child? I wonder if he is looking at my legs... will he undress me in a moment? Oh Mom, save me! I cannot be like the woman in the video who endured the man's harassment. My warmth is increasing more and more. Why is my whole body trembling slightly, along with my heartbeat? I feel like I cannot stand. I need to go to Mom. I ran to her side.

​"Darling... what happened?"

​Mom asked in a panic. But how could I tell her that a man just like the one on her phone had come near me?

​"No... no, Mom, it's nothing."

​I managed to force those words out, though with difficulty.

​"An angel!"

​I looked toward where the female voice came from. It was a woman's voice, different from Mom's... but perhaps they called me 'an angel' because they didn't know my name is Alice.

​"My name is Elis."

​For the first time in my life, outside of my mother, words slipped out to another woman almost automatically. I was surprised that I spoke. That woman started laughing at me... why is she laughing? I looked at Mom.

​"I told you to sit down... let's go back to the room now."

​There was no smile on Mom's face. Judging by her tone, she is angry. I said nothing. Truth be told, I also wanted to go upstairs quickly. Although I told myself I liked the idea of talking to people, that man proved that I actually lack the courage to do it. While I did tell a maid my name, I didn't want to stay a second longer. I followed Mom back to the top floor faster than I had come. I jumped onto the bed, feeling like a disappointed girl. I cannot understand why I was so scared in front of that man.

​"I told you not to talk to anyone."

​That was all Mom said. I didn't even look at her. The sound of her footsteps is fading away now. She must have gone back to the third floor. I sat on the bed. Why do the things that happened on the third floor feel like such a heavy burden to me?

​"Why did the maid laugh when I gave her my name, after having mistakenly called me a 'goddess'? Is my name a joke to her? And that man—why did he approach me? Am I as captivating as the woman in the video? I had to see for myself.

​I walked up and stood before the mirror. The sunlight streaming through the window outshone the room's electric lights, making me glow. Is that really me in the reflection? I jumped, spun around, and made a face… Yes, yes, that’s not a photograph; it’s really me. How well this light white T-shirt pairs with my blue denim shorts! No, wait—perhaps these clothes look good only because I am wearing them. My eyes are blue—are they more beautiful than Mom’s brown ones? And my legs, exposed by the shorts... my slender frame... I turned to the left, then to the right. Oh my... honestly, I look beautiful from every angle. Why hadn't I thought to admire my own beauty until now? I feel like I am more captivating than the woman in the video.

​A sudden chill ran down my spine, immediately followed by a flush of warmth. Was that attractive man drawn to me because I looked like the woman in the video? That’s crazy. What am I thinking? Yet, a man as attractive as he is must have come to me to do the same things the man in the video did to that woman. What a waste; I should have spoken to him. Oh, what a fool I am to think such things. Oh, fool… That word hadn't been in my vocabulary before.

​'Fool… Fool…'

​I whispered to my reflection. As she mimicked me, it felt as if I were saying the name to myself. Why does the word feel so familiar? Regardless, it feels like an endearment.

​'Fool… Fool… Fool…'

​A strange joy bubbled up inside me, a feeling for which I had no words. Why did it take me this long to enjoy my own beauty? I am truly captivating. I should strip and see if I look as beautiful as the woman in the video. I tore off my T-shirt. The silence of the room seemed to help me in that moment… Oh… Fool, look at your beauty! I am far more beautiful than the woman in the video. Yes, much more. Her skin was marred by scars, but there isn't a single blemish on mine. My breasts, they are so beautiful! Why cover them up when they look like this? Did my body heat rise when I touched them, or is that just how it feels? I cast aside my shorts, too. I will never wear clothes again. When I have all this beauty, why should I hide it? That man approached me while I was fully dressed. If I were to walk to the third floor naked… what would he do? I will never wear clothes again. But surely, everyone else wears clothes for a reason? Or perhaps she, too, stays naked? Maybe the maids wear clothes because they aren't allowed to be naked, or is it because they don't want others to see their true beauty?

​'Elis…'

​Mom’s voice made me jump. Is she angry? I turned toward her, but her face didn't betray any emotion. I am no longer afraid to be naked before Mom. Before, when she watched me while I was unclad, it was because of my beauty. I should let her see it in whatever way she wants. I placed my hands on my hips and spun around. Mom can see me clearly now. Surely, she will say, 'My daughter is beautiful.' Oh, please, just say I am beautiful… but she isn't looking with interest. She walked toward me. Oh Mom, please just say I’m beautiful.

​'What has gotten into you? Put some clothes on.'

​Those were not the words I had expected from her. I thought she would tell me I was beautiful. Am I ugly? Did the mirror lie to me?

​'Why, Mom… do I look ugly?'

​She laughed. Oh, please, just tell me if I am ugly. Mom gripped my shoulders and turned me toward the mirror. I could see her smiling face clearly behind me in the glass… yet, the discomfort I usually feel around her wasn't there this time. Oh, what a relief.”

​"There is no one as beautiful as my daughter... but you’d be even more beautiful dressed."

​Ah... what is Mom saying? With a body as beautiful as this... is she implying that covering it with a scrap of fabric makes it more beautiful?

​"My body is beautiful already... so why should I wear clothes?"

​Mom led me to the bed and sat me down. Oh no, was she going to scold me? Her expression didn't seem to suggest that, though. She sat beside me and began stroking my hair.

​"My sweet girl."

​Mom kissed my cheek. That sense of discomfort I hadn't felt moments ago was returning, wasn't it? Oh... a heat, like I was burning up, rushed through me. Mom, please move back... please, just give me some space.

​"We don't wear clothes because the body is ugly... we wear them because it isn't appropriate for others to see your body."

​What is she saying? Why shouldn't others see it? The two people in the video on her phone were naked too. If it isn't good for others to see, why did she watch it? Why did the people in the video record it? I ached to ask her those questions.

​She began to gently touch one of my breasts. Oh... she must be able to feel my heart pounding against my chest. My whole body grew hot. Oh God, why do my eyes want to close? I pushed her hand away and scrambled off the bed. I looked at her, albeit uncomfortably... Why did it feel so distressing when she touched me?

​She laughed.

​"My girl... how did it feel when I touched your breasts?"

​She made me sit back down beside her. Why was she asking me this? Couldn't she feel the heat, the way my heart was racing?

​"It... it feels uncomfortable."

​Not feels, Mom—it is uncomfortable. Mom, please, just leave. Oh... is it because I’m naked that I feel this way? I need to get dressed. I got up from the bed and put on my usual nightclothes. Mom watched me dress, smiling all the while.

​"Do you understand now why you need to wear clothes?"

​There was truth in what she asked, wasn't there? If I felt this uncomfortable even with just Mom there, how much worse would it be if I were naked in front of strangers? I thought I looked beautiful without clothes... but now I realized how distressing it really was.

​"Men who see that beauty of yours will become attracted to you. If they see you naked, they will start behaving in ways that make you uncomfortable."

​As she spoke, she made me sit back on the bed. She began to explain how people should behave, about s****l attraction, and how a girl should carry herself. Perhaps the silence in the room helped her; her voice seemed to echo off the walls. Regardless, listening to what Mom was saying, I felt that there were so many things I hadn't known about being a girl. And she was responsible for that, wasn't she? After all, she hadn't taught me these things before.

​"Now do you know how a girl should be?"

​Mom ended her lecture with a smile. I nodded silently in response. I truly had learned a lot.

​"Now... don't forget that you need to bathe."

​I looked at the clock in the room... right, it is that time of day for me to bathe. How could I forget, Mom? Ever since I can remember, I wake up, eat, sit around. Then I eat... at 2:00 PM, I bathe... then I eat at night and go to sleep. Could I ever forget the routine that happens every day?

​"I'll go up to the third floor and come back."

​I watched her walk toward the dining room. The way her hips swayed as she walked was amazing... was she dancing as she went? Oh, my body is getting hot again. Is this what Mom described as s****l attraction? She said a girl feels s****l attraction when she sees a man. Then why were the woman and man in the video on her phone both naked? Mom could have just watched a video with only the man. What a waste; I should have asked her about the video, even if it meant getting scolded. Oh, I almost forgot... I couldn't tell Mom the word I had thought of.

​"Mom..."

​She stopped as I ran toward her.

​"I found a new word... it's a word that makes me feel loved. From today on, instead of calling me 'Menika' (My Gem), will you call me by that word?"

​The way Mom looked at me... I didn't even feel like saying it anymore. I wonder if she thinks I don't like being called 'Menika'. Please don't think that. But 'Modi' feels more affectionate.

​"You... from today on, call me 'Modi'."

​Mom started laughing. This time, she laughed as if I had made a joke. She pinched my cheek.

​"My crazy girl... where did you pick up words like that?"

​Mom didn't stop laughing. Why on earth is she asking that? Isn't it affectionate? Oh, I think it has such a cute, loving quality. Doesn't Mom think so?

​"It's just a word that came to my mind... it's affectionate, Mom..."

​Her laughter grew even louder. Oh, why is she laughing? She is laughing like I made a joke.

​"'Modi' is cute, but it's a bad word. It's used for people who can't do anything right. Men are called 'Modayo' (fools), and girls are called 'Modiyo' (fools)..."

​"Now go and bathe, you silly girl."

​Mom called me by that name—the one she claimed was a bad word—and went inside the door leading to the third floor, closing it behind her. I could hear her laughing until the door shut.

​Even though Mom laughed, is it really a bad word? Why did that word come to me? I can't figure out why I like calling myself by that name so much.