​ELIS'S BORROWED LIFE

Chapter 3 | Beyond the Fourth Floor

"Darling..."

The sound of Mother’s voice felt as if it were coming from a dream. It wasn’t just a single thought; my mind was full of questions. That video on Mother’s phone... why were the man and woman naked? Why would Mother watch something like that? There is so much more I need to know, isn't there?

"What are you thinking about?"

Before I could even look at her, she began stroking my hair.

"Mother..."

Should I ask the question that has been haunting me since the morning? The one I never dared to ask all these years? No, I shouldn't. Mother wouldn't like that.

"Why, darling? Tell me."

Mother’s loving words feel like a burden to me now. I feel like telling her, 'Mother, please don't love me this much.'

"Darling... why are you sad?"

She holds me by my shoulders, her touch filled with affection. I look into her face. Is it love I see there, or is it fear? She hates seeing me sad, so I smile. I don't want to see her sad either. Why does her worry feel like such a weight on my heart? It must be because I love her.

"Nothing, Mother... I was just waiting for the rain."

Mother, I want to see the world beyond this... I realize I don't have the strength to say it.

"It doesn't rain every day, darling... you know that..."

She pinches my cheek playfully. She must not want to hurt me; she hardly even touches my body firmly.

"Darling, the staff is working on the ground floor. I’m going to check on them."

I nod eagerly. I know she is decorating the lower level for my birthday tomorrow. I remember her decorating it the exact same way for my 25th. Mother said this mansion has four floors. Why haven't I ever asked why she keeps me confined only to the upper level? I only go to the third floor on my birthday. But this is my home. Shouldn't I know my own house before I even think about the outside world? I’m such a fool. Why haven't I asked her, 'What’s on the lower floor? Can’t I go there?' Now is the perfect time. I must go to the third floor with Mother.

"Mother..."

She is heading toward the dining room, where the door leading to the third-floor staircase is hidden, but she stops as soon as she hears me. I run to her.

"Why... what happened?"

The way I ran toward her seems to have startled her; I can hear it in her voice. She grabs my shoulders.

"Mother, take me to the third floor with you."

My request comes out sounding a bit too childish. She stops stroking my cheek and her hand becomes hypnotic. My eyes begin to close. My cheek feels warm; the sensation is strangely comforting.

"You should rest, my dear. I will handle the work downstairs myself."

Mother’s decisive words cut through me like a wound. Rest? Isn't that all I ever do? I grab her hand, which was resting on my cheek, with both of mine. I begin to bounce on my feet, stepping nervously.

"Please..."

"Mother, I want to talk to people..."

My voice quivers. Did I sound too childish? 'You fool,' I think to myself, 'If you ask like that, Mother will just brush it off.' I don't know any other way to ask. Will she take me seriously? She pulls her hand away from my grip. I stop bouncing and look at her. Is she angry? She stands with her hands on her waist, watching me. She doesn't seem angry.

"Oh... well! Tell me, what do you want to talk about?"

She’s acting even more childish than I am. But she’s right; what do I have to talk about? I’ve only ever talked to Mother. I want to talk to someone else, even if there’s nothing special to say. But if I tell her that, she’ll think I’m tired of talking to her... I must tell her I want to see the third floor. I remember the third floor from my 25th birthday, but perhaps things have changed in a year.

"Mother, I want to see the third floor... I want to walk around our home. I’m tired of staying in one place."

I’ve wanted to walk around this mansion for a long time. My voice didn't sound childish this time. Did I hurt her feelings? Oh, Mother, please forgive me; I didn't mean to hurt you. She looks at me without saying a word. Is she angry or sad? I can't bear the sorrowful look on her face. I made a mistake. I must have hurt her. I can't stay in front of her any longer. I turn to go back to my room.

"Forgive me, Mother."

I run to my room. My bed seems to be waiting for me. I jump in and hug a pillow. I’ve hurt Mother. She loves me so much! Does she think I’m tired of being with her? Oh, Mother, forgive me a thousand times. I didn't mean to hurt you. Does she think I don't love her? What a terrible mistake I’ve made.

"Darling..."

I hear Mother’s voice. But she must have gone to the third floor by now. It must be my love for her that makes me imagine her calling me.

"Darling..."

The voice is right beside me. I lift my head from the pillow and look. She is actually here. Mother sits on the bed.

"Mother..."

I nestle into her arms, my heart heavy with guilt. She begins to stroke my hair. Does that mean she didn't mind what I said?

"Forgive me."

My words are barely a whisper. No matter what desires I have, Mother is the only one who matters to me.

"Darling... put on some clothes. You can’t go to the lower floor like that. The staff is working there..."

Did I hear her right? I’m not sure. I pull away from her arms and look at her face.

"Mother..."

She actually gave me permission to go to the third floor, didn't she? This is unbelievable. Her face breaks into a beautiful smile. It’s a young, sweet smile. When that smile touches her 50-year-old face, she looks so young.

"Well... stop staring at my face. Get ready now."

She really gave me permission... I can't believe it. What a waste; I should have asked sooner. I could have walked around the house long ago.

"Mother, what should I wear?"

Without a word, Mother walks to the corner of the room where her wardrobe is. I don't have special clothes. I’ve never stepped out of the fourth floor of this mansion. My current outfit seems fine. Why did Mother tell me to change? I think this outfit is beautiful. It’s comfortable, too. Compared to the clothes Mother wears, mine are different. My outfit reveals a lot of my body, whereas Mother’s don't. She wears thick, heavy fabrics. She only wears an outfit like mine when she sleeps. She says this is my sleepwear. I don't think there could be anything more comfortable than this.

"Try this on, it will suit you."

Mother comes toward me with an outfit. I feel a small urge to wear something different. I get off the bed and snatch the clothes before she can even hand them to me. I discard my sleepwear in a second.

The trousers she gave me are very thick. They are shorts. I lift my leg to put them on, but I lose my balance. Oh, am I going to fall?

"Careful."

Mother catches me. Oh, she must think I can’t even dress myself. She makes me sit on the bed.

"Put them on now."

I’ve never worn thick shorts like this, but sitting on the bed makes it easier. I feel like Mother is watching me dress with great interest. Is she looking at my nakedness? Does she see me like the young woman in the video on her phone? Oh, I’m going crazy. What am I thinking?

Even when I wear my sleepwear, I’m basically naked. So why does Mother look at me so differently today? Scenes from the video, which I had forgotten for a moment, appear before my eyes... Why do I feel so hot remembering those scenes? My chest begins to pound strangely. What is happening to me?

"What is it, darling?"

Her hand begins to shake my shoulder. Her touch only intensifies what’s happening inside me. Why am I feeling so hot? This has never happened before. Why is my heart beating so fast? Mother is still holding my shoulder. I look at her with difficulty. Do I need to tell her what I’m feeling? No. I remove her hand and stand up. Why do I feel so uncomfortable in front of her? I quickly put on the top she brought. What is happening to me? Why am I feeling so awkward in front of Mother?

"Darling, what happened? Why are you so restless?"

Mother’s loving voice seems to slow down my racing heart. But I still find it difficult to look at her. I stand as I am. I can't look at her. Why do I feel this way?

"Darling..."

I hear her voice right beside my ears. She embraces me. Did Mother watch those videos just to look at the nakedness of the people in them? If so, was she looking at my nakedness? Her hugging me from behind is too much for my body to handle. My chest starts pounding again... Oh, what is happening to me?

"Darling... you are agitated."

Why do her loving words feel like discomfort? She loosens her grip and turns me toward her. She reaches for the hem of my top and begins to lift it. Mother, what is happening to me? I feel like I’m burning up. Her fingertips graze my breasts. What is this pain I feel? As Mother removes my top, my arms go limp. My arms just lift up as she takes the garment off. Why did she take my clothes off? Does she want to see my nakedness? But why? And what does it matter if Mother sees me naked? I’m losing my mind. I’ve been naked in front of Mother countless times before. But why can't I understand why I feel so uncomfortable in this moment?

"You were wearing this inside out. Put it on the other way."

Oh, she took it off because I put it on wrong in my agitation. I smile at her.

"Oh, I haven't worn this before, so I put it on the wrong way."

I take the garment from her hand and put it on the right way. I look at Mother. A beautiful smile is on her face.

"My girl put it on the wrong way because she was in a hurry."

Does she realize I was flustered? How could she not? I was moving so fast right after getting off the bed. I want to ask her, 'Why is this happening to me?' But no, I shouldn't. This started ever since I watched that video. If Mother finds out I peeked at her phone, she’ll be heartbroken to know I didn't listen to her.

"Are you hiding something from me?"

Her face still wears that faint smile, but the answer to her question is 'yes.' But how can I tell her I peeked at her phone?

"No, Mother... I’m just excited about going to the third floor. Let's go quickly."

I say that to escape her question, but I truly am impatient to get to the third floor. Today, I am going to talk to one of the staff members, no matter what.

"Let’s go... but remember, you are not allowed to talk to anyone, okay?"

Her voice sounds like a warning. Did she understand what I was thinking? I follow her toward the dining room. I am going to a floor I am usually only allowed to visit once a year. Even if I didn't go today, I would go tomorrow because of my birthday. But... on my birthday, it’s only Mother and me. Today, the staff is there. No matter what Mother says, I’m going to talk to them, even if I have to do it secretly.

The door leading from the dining room to the third floor is locked with a digital lock. I wonder if Mother thought I might come here alone. She begins to type the code into the digital lock. The door opens automatically with a 'beep...' sound. I see the password she typed. I memorize it. I have the ability to remember anything. 235367... I’m sure I won't forget the password. But what use is it? Mother won't like it if I wander around the house alone.