The Nememiah Chronicles Collection - Books 1-3

5. Decision Time-1

I stepped out of the bitter winter weather and carefully wiped my boots on the mat, before stepping onto the carpet. December had arrived, and with it, the first snowfalls of winter.

“Hiya, Charlotte. Getting mighty chilly out there, isn"t it?” Hank greeted me genially, stepping out from behind the counter. “Wanna cup of coffee?”

I nodded, tugging at the scarf I"d wrapped around my head to keep out the bitter cold. “Thanks, Hank.”

“Did you get the snow chains?” Hank had paid me for another sold painting and he"d organized a deal with Denzel Stone, the proud owner of Puckhaber Falls one and only car dealership, to have snow chains fitted to my tires.

“Yep, thanks.”

“You"ll need them, what with the roads so icy now. You should have had new tires too, I looked at yours a couple of days ago, and they"re looking a little worn.” Hank handed me a mug of steaming hot coffee and pulled up a stool for me to sit beside the shop counter.

This had become a weekly routine, stopping into Hank"s for coffee and a chat. Like it or not, I"d made friends in Puckhaber Falls – somehow my guard had been lowered by the sheer honest friendship these people offered. It hadn"t changed my resolve, just… confused it. The whole situation had gotten messy when I"d met Lucas. It was his fault I"d delayed my plans, his fault I hadn"t worked up the courage to follow through with my decision. Or at least, that"s what I"d been telling myself, to explain my failure to fulfill the fate I"d chosen for myself.

hishisAfter the waterfall fiasco, Lucas disappeared from my life, as completely as he"d done after the car accident. You would think I"d have gotten the message, but foolishly, I"d hung around, thinking he might contact me again. And was deeply disappointed when he didn"t. Of course, the rational part of my brain explained it very clearly, even though I didn"t want to hear it. He was out of my league, what would he find interesting in me? Hell, what did it matter, anyway? It wasn"t as if I was going to be around for much longer.

The week after my brief stay at Lucas"s, I decided some effort was required on my part. I"d spent some of my meager funds on getting a haircut. I"d had my hair styled and as a result, my hair sat in tight ringlets, framing my face in a halo of curls that fell just below my shoulders. I"d wasted even more money, buying new items of clothing; some jeans, which fitted my more slender shape and a couple of new sweaters. My old clothes were practically disintegrating before my eyes and I really did need the items, but I knew the real motivation and loathed myself for it. I wanted to look pretty for Lucas, hoped to see him again and have him appreciate the effort I"d made.

It was a shock when I did finally see him – a couple of weeks ago, I"d come into town for supplies and was standing in the Quikmart, making a decision over which cereal to purchase. I heard a deep growl and turned towards the sound, catching sight of Lucas at the end of the aisle and he"d positively glowered at me. His eyes glittered with unconcealed fury and he"d shaken his head, turning abruptly on his heels and stalking away. I"d lost nights of sleep over it, wondering why he"d acted that way and what I could possibly have done to cause such a hostile reaction.

As time went on, I folded in on myself, resembling a house of cards collapsing. I still spent time with the people in town, because it was hard to avoid when the population was so small. But my plans for my demise had accelerated back to being my top priority. December was a traditionally bad month, a time when my demons haunted me, even more than usual. This year was proving harder to cope with than the previous two.

There was nothing left to do but follow through with the decision. I"d tried a week or so ago, with an attempt to slit my wrists, but once again I"d failed miserably. I was frightened of pain and the first tentative cuts with a razor blade stopped me in my tracks, before I"d managed to do any major damage. The thought of the falls was enticing; I"d tried once before and almost succeeded. Watching the water crash over the rocks had been mesmerizing and I believed it was the one way I could end my miserable existence, once and for all. Which was why I found myself at the art store, visiting with Hank for the last time. Christmas was just a week away, and I had no intentions of living to see it. I didn"t want to be overwhelmed by memories, as I"d been last year and the year before that. I"d made up my mind this time, and refused to be dissuaded from achieving my goal.

Hank caught my attention by waving a hand in front of my face and I glanced up, startled to discover I was still sitting in the art store. I"d become so engrossed in my plans, I"d completely forgotten everything around me.

“Golly, when you get to thinking, you just shut down completely, don"t you?” Hank said with a grin. Despite the subtle teasing in his voice, his eyes narrowed shrewdly, watching me with concern.

“I"m sorry. What did you say?” I smiled weakly, trying to pull myself together. It wouldn"t be a great idea to make Hank suspicious, I certainly didn"t need anyone guessing what I"d planned and trying to stop me.

“I was asking if you"d come to our place for Christmas dinner. Mary would be more than happy to have extra company and I thought you could come over Christmas Eve and stay the night. You"d be more than welcome.”

I grimaced uneasily, playing with the fingers of my gloves, which lay on the countertop. “Thanks for the offer, Hank, but I wouldn"t be much company. I kind of prefer having Christmas on my own.”

“Just what makes you so blue, at this time of the year?” Hank asked quietly. He stared avidly at his coffee, plainly uncomfortable to be asking such an intrusive question. Hank was down to earth and endearing, but completely out of his depth when it came to discussing anything which remotely touched on emotional issues.

“I don"t like Christmas much. It"s… complicated,” I explained, chewing at my bottom lip anxiously.

“Well, if you change your mind…”

“Thank you. I really do appreciate the offer.” I put down the coffee mug and stood up abruptly. “I"d better be going.” I needed to get out of this store, out of this town – away from these caring, hospitable people.

“Wait a minute; I"ve got some money for you. I sold that watercolor you brought in last week.” He opened the till and drew out an envelope. “Three hundred dollars. Why don"t you buy yourself somethin" nice for Christmas, honey?”

I stared at the envelope in his outstretched hand. “Three hundred dollars? I thought you were trying to sell it for one hundred and fifty?”

His look was innocent, entirely too innocent and I eyed him skeptically as he muttered an answer. “A buyer came in and loved it. Insisted on paying three hundred.”

tooI took the envelope from him and shoved it into my purse. “Thanks, Hank.” I was certain the watercolor had sold for the asking price, and the other money came from Hank himself. It was something I would have argued, if I hadn"t been so utterly desperate to escape. His kindness made me feel even worse.

I stumbled to the door, barely taking notice of my surroundings. I took one last look at Hank"s kindly face, his uneasiness evident in his eyes. “Merry Christmas,” I offered quietly.

“You too, honey.”

I thrust through the door, stalking to the car with tears burning in my eyes. For a long time, I sat behind the wheel, desperately trying to get my thoughts into order, but it was hopeless. For weeks, I"d been out of control, not sleeping, not painting, not doing anything that made sense. I"d even considered driving to Lucas"s house at one stage and asking him… no, demanding he tell me why he was avoiding me. But in my heart, I knew why he was steering clear.

demandingI wasn"t what a man like Lucas Tine would find interesting. He obviously wasn"t attracted to me and had only ever been polite, because of the circumstances that had thrown us together for a few brief moments. There had been nothing romantic – no hint from him to suggest otherwise and I was an i***t to crave something that just didn"t exist.

Against him – the man, his life, and his world – I was plain. Plain, uninteresting, and ever so slightly insane. If I wasn"t already demented, I was going to drive myself crazy thinking about him – what could he possibly find appealing in me? He was obviously only being courteous when we"d met. But then I remembered the way he gazed at me, and started thinking fanatically, all over again. He"d looked at me sometimes as though he cared. On the other hand, he"d also looked at me as though I was something frightening. And sometimes, he"d looked as if he was furious he"d met me, angry that my life had crossed paths with his.

To all intents and purposes, I had only crossed his path. I couldn"t understand my intense emotions – why was I obsessed with someone I"d only met three times? None of it made any sense and thinking about it only had me spiraling further into depression.

hadWhile I sat ruminating in the cold car, I made up my mind. Today was the day. I didn"t want to go on, didn"t want to watch my tentative grip on sanity loosen any further.

Since Lucas"s warning, I hadn"t returned to the falls and I"d done exactly as he told me and stayed out of the forest. It wasn"t going to happen anymore, I would go to the falls, and I would end the perpetual nightmare in which I was trapped. What did it matter if Lucas suggested there was danger out there? That was exactly what I needed now – some danger, a way of killing myself. The woods were exactly where I should be going, and to hell with what Lucas said or thought.

And it was going to happen this afternoon.

The tumult of emotions that kept my mind in a state of constant activity abruptly lulled and serenity crept over my exhausted mind. I was more at peace than I"d been in weeks, perhaps even longer. The tranquility certainly equaled what I"d felt the last time I visited the falls, and I craved the sensation like a drug. My previous attempts had been failures, but this one would succeed. I knew it would work and felt composed. I"d been to the falls before, I"d gotten so close last time, just one more step, and it would have been over. This time I would take that last step and Lucas wouldn"t be there to stop me.

I started my car and executed a careful u-turn on the icy road, heading back towards the cottage.

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The forest was different now, with the arrival of winter many of the trees had dropped their leaves, leaving stark grey branches reaching towards the darkened sky. It was beautiful.