Observing the End, Volume 3: Protagonism

Chapter 15: A New Tribe

Well that was definitely not worth it… First, Talia, Silvia and I went down to one of those creepy forests and tried to investigate the place. My daughter’s pets got ripped apart by roots and vines right in front of her eyes.

Then, after we came home, the place had been looted. I was pretty stressed out and pissed off, so obviously I went to go take revenge and get my s**t back. That’s when things went horribly awry.

I was expecting a handful of orcs at most, like back in the prairie. I may have miscalculated a bit. There was probably a thousand of them altogether. Fortunately, I only had to kill about a hundred before they gave up and surrendered… But not before, one of those motherfuckers stabbed me in the testicle!

God damn it! I’m not sure if you’re aware, but it really f*****g hurts to have an obsidian spearhead jammed into your groin! See, this is why you wear armor! This is why I always wore armor to fight!

Even if it’s an easy battle, s**t happens and balls are lost.

***

Okay, so I ate one of these magic apples that Talia discovered and I’m still missing a testicle. The wound itself did heal up pretty nicely though and there isn’t ‘much’ of a scar, considering how gnarly it looked the other day.

Fortunately, I probably don’t ‘need’ my balls. They might be able to grow back eventually. It just feels weird. There’s this like phantom sensation and pain every so often.

R.I.P. Lefty… You lived a hard life. Gave me way more kids than I ever wanted and made me feel like I had testicular torsion for most of my existence so far. I still loved you all the same.

At least my d**k wasn’t cut off. Now that would’ve been a serious problem. I would’ve literally tried to sew it back together and hope for the best. At least now I know better though. I need armor. I’m meant to be a tank, not a squishy balless caster b***h.

I take that back actually. Casters are awesome. I would totally sacrifice my other ball if it meant that I could use magic and cast spells. Maybe a ‘Rapid Regrowth’ spell, to heal my missing testicles? Well, then it wouldn’t really be a ‘sacrifice’...

Anyway, now I have another problem to deal with. No, more like a few hundred problems. After a night of rest and recovery, I woke up to find that we have neighbors now. For whatever reason, a few hundred of those green-skinned orcs had set up tents near my house. Actually, I know the reason, because I have a translator now.

“Daddy, these giant bald people are weird. They say they’re here to worship the Silver Goddess… I think they mean Silvia. They also said that you ‘punished’ some of them because they stole from the Sacred Altar of the Silver Goddess.”

While Talia was telling me that, she brought over two beefy orcish girls and said “These are the virgins that they’re giving you so that you’ll forgive them for their sins… I think you’re supposed to eat them? Do people taste good Daddy?”

Obviously I told her “They’re probably talking about s*x. They want me to have s*x with these random virgin girls to make babies or something?”

But she just shook her head and explained “No, they didn’t mean mating or breeding. There’s a big difference between ‘grr’ and ‘gurr~’... Daddy, they really expect you to eat these ugly girls. Are you really gonna do it?”

Yeah, no, I didn’t eat the orcs. Not that it would even be considered cannibalism, but I mostly just feel weird killing and eating people in a meaningless sacrificial ritual. I also didn’t f**k them either. My balls are still really sore and I’m not in the mood for any kinda s*x at the moment. s**t, I mean ‘ball’, singular. It’s hard to get used to not having two of them.

Whatever, as long as they don’t try to hurt us and don’t act ‘too’ crazy I don’t really mind having them move into the area. I mean, the grasslands are f*****g huge. This particular area though is pretty nice. There are huge trees to use for lumber, giant fields of edible plants growing on their own accord and two separate rivers only a mile away from each other.

It ain’t a great idea to build a house ‘right’ on the water though, because the rainy season causes the rivers to swell pretty bad. Lost two shacks to that so far. Also tried building a treehouse, but it was way more work than it was worth.

I only have a very rudimentary understanding of metalworking and I have to mine the ores myself… Just making nails is a pain in the ass.

***

You would be amazed at how powerful a group of people can become with a little bit of direction and motivation. Although I feel weird being seen as some kinda ‘Pope’ or ‘Prophet’, if it gets the job done, then whatever. The point is that we have a lot of work to do and I can’t do everything on my own anymore.

Knowledge is power, but faith is helpful too. By using Talia as a translator, I’ve managed to raise her position to just below mine in the hierarchy of our weird pseudo-religion. I guess we worship unicorns or some such bullshit? I honestly don’t care. It doesn’t matter, because we won’t be here long enough to get caught up in the holy wars and other horrible nonsense that’ll surely arise in the future.

The first step of making any kinda organization, religious or otherwise, is to establish rules and regulations. Although I’d love to just wing it and make s**t up as I go along, that’ll just screw things up later down the road.

1. Don’t kill your own family and tribe members, unless its in self-defense.

2. Keep it consensual. No matter what kinda f****d up fetishes you might have, r**e never ends well for anyone involved. Unless your fetish is r**e, then I honestly don’t give a s**t. Like, if you wanna create your own weird group where you all r**e each other for kicks and giggles, don’t drag unwilling participants into the mix.

3. Don’t chop your son’s balls off. If they wanna castrate themselves later on in life, that’s fine. But it should be their decision, not yours.

4. Aside from that, having a single chieftain or multiple ‘stallions’ to have s*x with dozens or hundreds of women is extremely inefficient. If guys and girls wanna have crazy orgies, go ahead. But if they wanna have a monogamous relationship, that’s fine too.

5. Don’t push your own personal beliefs onto other people. I realize that this is extremely hypocritical, but someone has to be the singular dictator in this kinda situation. If I just let you do whatever you wanted, you’d all end up killing each other because of minor differences in belief systems that are basically the same.

6. Never become complacent. No matter how peaceful or calm things seem, it’ll always get worse. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. No, I didn’t make that up. It’s a good philosophy though, right?

7. Know when to stop yourselves from making bad decisions. If there’s an enemy who is actively threatening your existence, kill them. Don’t f*****g wait around, bickering about what you should do, pussying out all the time. That’s how you get yourselves killed. Now, if they’re absurdly powerful to the point where there’s nothing you can do, then leave. Your lives, families and friends are far more important than plots of land.

8. Never stop expanding and growing. Whether in technological research, industry, exploration or whatever. Just never find yourself in a position where you’re overpopulated. This world is huge. Not just in land mass either, but also the oceans and seas. If that ain’t enough, then look towards those moons in the sky. You’ll be able to reach those eventually.

9. Don’t waste your time with diplomacy or politics. There will be other nations and religions out there, which will probably try to trick you into doing stupid s**t. They’ll weigh you down with bureaucracy and try to destroy you from within. If they actually want to follow this set of rules and become part of your society, then don’t be d***s about it. But if they wanna destroy your way of life, then why the hell do you even need to think about it? Tell them to f**k off!

10. When you wage war, use intelligent battle strategies. Minimize casualties to the best of your ability and make sure to always have the technological advantage. Don’t take slaves or any stupid s**t like that. If they wanna join you, then let them. If they wanna leave, then let them. But if they wanna fight, end it. Wipe them out and spare yourself from future troubles.

11. Enjoy yourselves. The purpose of life is to feel happy and fulfilled by the time it ends. To be able to look back on your life and think “I’m proud of what I’ve done. I might have made a few mistakes, but I enjoyed what I had, while I had it.”

12. Last but certainly not least, death is not the end. It is only the beginning. Plenty of other religions will be out there, preaching about how only those who followed their specific beliefs would go to some form of ‘Heaven’, while everyone else would be sent to some form of ‘Hell’. I hate to break it to ya kids, but that’s bullshit. There are Gods and Goddesses, Devils and Angels, along with everything else that most people will never get the chance to witness. If someone asks for your soul, tell them to go f**k themselves! If someone asks for your life, threaten to take theirs instead! When you die, you’ll be judged for everything you’ve done. That includes all the times you just stood by and watched other people suffering, without lifting a finger to help them. Whether you can make it to a place you consider Heaven or Hell, will depend on your own abilities.