The Poetic Meaning Behind the Eyes

TWo

The day started early, but the night lasted long. The night that Rose and I arrived at the hotel had my nerves on the absolute edge. She fell asleep almost immediately, but I laid in bed staring at the popcorn like ceiling until the dark sky outside started to lighten. My mind raced wondering what the man had done to my sister and why he chose her. She didn’t fit the profile, she wasn’t a young party girl, she was a devout Catholic and never wore a skirt that didn’t pass her knees. Maria was probably the best out of the four of us, she tried and succeeded at everything. She had become the team captain for the middle school’s baseball team, even when the school fought against a girl on the team. She held the family together, like sweet honey. The fact that she had been carved up like the other four victims sent chills down my spine and made me want to throw-up. I wonder if he had gotten her name, or if he had gotten close to her, or if he just tied her down and delicately cut her small body open. Her dark, still warm, blood covering the plastic. I couldn’t cry, even though the thought made me incredibly sad. When I closed my eyes all I could see was a shadowy figure standing over the blood covered fabric and the light reflected off of a small scapple. The insert at the top of her chest and the non-shaking hand cutting straight down her sternum. Sometimes when I closed my eyes she was still awake as her ribs were cut out of her body and the last glimpse of life in her eyes as she saw her own heart is removed. When that thought came to mind I had to go to the bathroom to throw-up the burger I had eaten earlier.

In the morning, I sat at the edge of the bed staring out the window on the similar landscape, that I so desperately tried to escape. Rose started to stir when I was taking a shower, “Hey, David. Are you alright?” Her voice was genuinely concerned, tears started to mix with the water. “Uh-yeah. I’m fine, I just had trouble sleeping.”I lied with a sincere tone. I knew she was concerned, but I didn’t need her to worry about me when we were roaming a town with a psycho on the loose. When I got out of the shower I stood there staring at the bloodshot in my eyes and the dark purple bags that had developed under my eyes. An awful thought came to mind as I thought of the day, What if she was r***d? My entire body stiffened at the thought, my jaw began to clench my teeth together like I was trying to break them subconsciously. I got dressed quickly and tried to dismiss it as I walked out and saw the look on Rose’s face. Her eyes had the beginning of tears in them and her nose and lips had gotten red. “What’s wrong?”I almost yelled it as she began to break down in tears. When someone is crying excessively and tries to speak it can be difficult to understand them fully. Despite the trouble, I made out that my mom had called and the thing had stolen Maria’s rosary as a token. I had a long fuse, but I exploded. “A TOKEN?” My voice was louder than I realized and Rose began to cry more. I fell to my knees with my head in my hands, like a child does when they don’t get what they want. I shook my head back and forth, swaying like I was being pushed by a heavy wind. Rose laid on the bed and watched me, silently.

Noon came sooner than I had wanted it too. Rose had left the room, without a word, after I screamed. I stood in my room with a steady line of tears running and slipping down my face. Rose came to the door with two coffees and a small paper bag. “I am so sorry Rose. I didn’t mean to explode. I have no excuse and it-”. Her mid-rant cut off made me look up from my shoes. “David. I’m sorry about everything that you are experiencing. I understand why you exploded. You weren’t yelling at me. You were yelling it to God.” She said this so calmly, it made me feel like a child. She sat down the two drinks and hugged me tightly, whispering that it would be okay. We drove over to my childhood home while drinking the coffees and eating the doughnuts she had gotten from Daylight. “This coffee is disgusting.” She blurted with a laugh. We both laughed and dumped the coffee out the window. We pulled up to the run-down trailer, and I felt a wave of anxiety pour over me as she laid eyes on it. I couldn’t keep from glancing at her and back to the “house”. I finally mumbled “Sorry.” out of habit “Why are you sorry, no one chooses where they come from. It's where they go and how they live is what matters.” She said this before gently kissing my cheek. We walked inside, and I was unsurprised that my Mom had spent all night cleaning. I also wasn’t surprised to find my dad glued to his ratty Lazy Boy recliner, I walked to my room where I found that nothing had been touched. My mom rushed out of the kitchen and hugged me as I nostalgically looked into my old room. “ How have you been Nino?”Her thick accent cover the question in a sweet tone. “ Oh Mama” That was all I could say before clasping in her arms.

A few hours had passed when we were all sitting at the small round metal table my mother used to use as a kitchen table. Sarah was playing with her empty fruit cup and Lily sat staring at the table, my mother had gotten up momentarily to get drinks for all of us. My father never left the living room, blasting a baseball game from the old box. Rose had slightly purple circles surrounding her eyes, and she was fiddling with her pants. The silence cut every possible word out of my mouth, it controlled the situation, it dictated it. Finally, my mother returned with non-matching glasses that were full of some sort of juice. I again felt a rush of heat to my cheeks as the cups were placed on the table, then Rose slighting touched my now bouncing knee. “So, how’s school”. The only thing I could think to blurt out of my mouth, the silence had to fill every crack of the room and it appeared as if I yelled. Lily looked up at me, her eyes were bloodshot from crying and her face had a red tint. “Oh, umm, okay.” She whispered this like she was trying to forget the question was asked. My mom’s eye shot up from her glass and immediately tried to divert the conversation. “ Umm, Nino, go grab some cards”. I never knew how she did it, she was able to keep that family together, work a 6 day week, and care for each of her children individually. She was amazing at being a mother and loved every single aspect of it, other than my asshole father. I walked passed my father chair, intentionally in front of his game, and I was surprised to see the screen go black. I swiftly looked over at him and his eyes were blazing with hatred. When my parents had me, my father blamed me for ruining his life. He could have done something, he could have been something, and then I was born. I didn’t move, every part of me wanted to scream, wanted to throw that stupid box tv he worshiped so much. He got out of his chair and our noses were close to touching, my glare increased and the intense smell of alcohol filled my nostrils. “When did you get back?” his voice was hoarse and cracked like the ground under the hot sun. “Yesterday, I’m just leaving.” My voice didn’t quiver or even flutter. I no longer feared his control. I grabbed the stack of cards and packed up Rose and my mother, plus the girls in my rental.

When we got to the hotel, the girls excitedly got out of the car, my mom and Rose laughed as the walked up to the doors. I walked behind all of them and watched the sunset on the horizon. I closed my eyes and felt the warmth of the sun touch my face. As we sat down at the small table in the hotel room, I heard brakes screech outside, I pulled back the curtain and observed a man struggling with something in the car. The light was fading outside and the man continued, he walked away from the car slightly, he yelled something and let his head fall into his hands. He turned around and slammed the car door and walked around to the driver's side. I watched his car drive towards the university. I was almost in a trance when I heard my mom call my name. “What? Sorry I didn’t hear you.” I turned around and the door was open and everyone was gone. My heartbeat increased rapidly, and a cold sweat broke across my forehead. The man in the car. The first thing to pop into my head, until I felt a soft touch of Rose’s hand on my arm. “Where did everyone go?” My voice cracked uncontrollably as I asked. She giggled slightly and looked at me with her soft brown eyes and I got chills. “ They went to see if the front desk had any board games; why are you so shook up?” She looked at me playfully, but with genuine concern. “ Just being here has me shaken up, this place has so much baggage tied to it and it is giving me anxiety.” I didn’t want to be blunt, but I know I sounded like an ass. Her eyes turned away and looked towards the window. We sat in silence for several seconds until my family walked through the door giggling as they came in. I faked a smile and Rose looked at me with no emotion, the look of We need to talk.

After I had driven my family back to the house and right as the last door was closed Rose’s eyes turned to me. “What has gotten into you? You can’t keep snapping at me. I know that you are upset and stressed, but the funeral is in a day and you need to go workout or see old friends.” She ranted like this the entire way to the hotel, my mind thought over the idea of going to see Sam. When we got to the room, Rose went into the bathroom and didn’t come out for an hour or more. I sat on the edge of the bed scrolling through the tv channels when I stopped on the Portales Local News-Fast-Accurate-Local, popped up on the screen. The reported ranted about the recent killings and bodies, the stress about the economic status, mostly the serial killer. I wondered if we had made national news, or if we were still unknown to the world. After about twenty minutes of listening to the anchor rant about the serial killer, I shut the tv off. I picked up my cell phone and dialed Sam’s number. “Hey Sam, guess who’s in f*****g Portales,” I said this the way we always talked, the brotherly love voice structure. “ Yeah, her funeral is on Wednesday” “Yeah man, I’m in a lot of pain” “Yeah- really?” “So” “ Yeah, a couple beers sound great” “Rose? Oh, I’ll see if she wants to come”. The conversation ended and I began to feel like a high school student again. It brought back great memories and not so good ones too. I turned my body to face the bathroom door. “Hey, Rose? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I understand you want to be alone for a while, so I’m going hang out with Sam for a while.” There was no response, but I knew she was listening because the water was shut off momentarily when I was speaking. I almost ran to the car, I was ridiculously excited to see him. I pulled up to the brewhouse and saw his old blue Chevy truck. “Sammy!” I shouted as I opened the door to see him sitting in a booth, he walked out calmly and side hugged me.

I don’t remember much from the evening, I remember a party, and riding in his truck. I remember seeing my high school crush in a dark blue dress that stuck to her body like glue. The party was loud, lights flashed around the room in different colors, and the smell of alcohol and sweat filled the room. I remember dancing with the girl in the dark blue dress, her bare shoulders shining as the lights hit them. I woke up in his truck and it was still dark outside and the truck was parked in front of his house. I sat looking at his house for 10 minutes before it registered that I was alone in his truck. My head pounded as I opened the house door. I looked around and the house was still and seemed like it had been abandoned. Then I heard a thud and a low sound that vibrated off the walls. I stumbled towards the bedroom door and opened it slowly just enough to see half of the room. A dark blue dress was thrown over the lampshade, my eyes slowly examined the room and dark red spots covered the bedding. Another thud, louder this time, sounded from the room. The doorknob began to turn as the crack in the doorway began to open my heartbeat pounded in my ears, I desperately scanned the room, the couch was too far away and the front door would creak if I attempted to open it. The crack between the wall the opening door grew larger and my hands began to shake. The door slammed open as I jumped into the bathroom laying completely flat on the floor as I watch the bloodied corpse being dragged along a plastic bag. The girl had put up a fight, her knuckles bleed as they passed and arms were severely bruised. I laid on the cold laminated bathroom floor watching the plastic reflect my slow heavy breath. I heard the back door open and I slowly lifted my chest from the ground. My head was racing and I couldn’t feel my legs, a spell of dizziness came over me and vomit has risen to the back of my throat. I finally sat up after several minutes had passed.

I couldn't think as the beer had begun to give me a blazing headache and had I just witnessed my lifelong friend kill a girl? I stared at the laminate flooring and watched a black spider make its way across the small room. A widow. He was like a black widow, leading prey into his web by charming them. He was the devil. That sick bastard did that to my sister. Rage boiled up into my ears and my face began to feel hot and I quickly got off of the floor and decided to confront him. My courage immediately died as I heard the door to the bathroom creak. David's mother had always left room in the cabinets for laundry baskets, I quickly shifted the basket and again found myself on the floor. The closet was cramped and smelt like dust and moths. The sounds of footsteps entered the room, and the light flashed on. Then the sound of running water and, f**k, TOWELS! I shuffled nervously there was no escape, I was going to be discovered and killed as another victim. What would the headline be, Portales Serial Killer Kills Their First Male. God what a f*****g cunt, I trusted him and he killed my sister and now he was going to kill me. The bathroom door flung open and step retreated. I opened the closet door and headed for the bathroom window. The moon was full that night, reflecting its cold light off of the trees and the house. The night seemed peaceful for the awful things that had happened. As I got out of the window the steps became faster and louder and he charged towards the bathroom. I fell on the cool ground in my quickened attempt to get away. Blood rushed to my face as I ran towards the truck in a struggle to stay alive. I opened the passenger side door and sat in the seat waiting for him to return. My breathing was heavy and loud as if I had just run a marathon. The front door slammed open and my eyes closed. I tried to focus on steadying my breathing, the car door opened and I could hear the rattling of keys and loud movements of the old engine. I never opened my eyes, I sat there listening to him hum along to western music as we passed under street lights.

When the car finally stopped, I didn’t want to imagine where I could be. The driver's side door opened with a creak. He dragged me out of the car and laid me on a carpeted floor. I didn't dare open my eyes, I am truly a coward. I felt like a failure to my town, my family, and the girl waiting for me in my hotel room. I heard the truck rattle off. I rolled on my back, breathing heavily. The beating of my heart had expanded to my head. Sam. I sat up and stumbled to stand straight. I was in the room where the party had been, there were several passed out people. I walked out the front door to gather my surroundings. I realized I was at a student housing area and was about a mile from the hotel. I ran. I ran so fast that my eyes glazed my surrounding and color flashed with the quickening beat of my heart. Rose was asleep, beautifully laying in my t-shirt with a copy of Pride and Prejudice sat next to her. She looked like sleeping beauty, and I realized the door was still open and I was standing awkwardly at the end of the bed. What do I do? Everything in my body started to contract and I felt suddenly dizzy.

I woke up on the floor, the room was dimly lit from the sunrise. It was beautiful, pink and orange sparked across the clouds. The purple was elevated due to the orange contrast, the clouds spread and the sun shined through. Only Maria could make such a beautiful sunrise. The door had been closed, and Rose had moved from her spot on the bed. I was still laying on the floor holding myself up by my forearms and I semi crawled to the window. “What are you doing?” Rose's voice was questioning with a hint of disdain. “Uhh. I passed out?” I tried to smile and play it off, but the look that she gave told me I was failing. “What time did you get home? I stayed up until 1:30?” “ When I said drinks, I meant 6:00 or 7:00 not all night.” She said this all so quickly, almost liked it was practiced. I was still laying on the hotel carpet well this conversation was taking place. “We met at the Brewery and ran into a few old friends

who were throwing a party. We just intended to pop in-”. I was cut off mid synopsis when I say her eyes glow with anger. “A party!” The words squeaked out of her mouth, like a boiler when hot water is needed. “Rose, listen. Something happened last night. I woke up at Sam's old house. I saw something”. She looked unconvinced. I could hear the nervousness in my voice. “ The funeral is in an hour, we should have been at your mother's house by now.” She said this matter of fact like as she walked towards the bathroom. I was laying on the floor like a child. That seemed to be our relationship, me acting like a helpless baby as she ruled the world with every word.

Sam would be at the funeral. That mother f*****g psychopath. I'll put this town on the map. Well, you f*****g did. I couldn't decide on what to do. Rose didn't believe me and was stuck with me for another 3 days. I sat up finally, holding my head in my hands. When I looked up, I saw Rose dressed in a short black dress with mesh sleeves and a gold belt. Her auburn hair was in a bun and her Jewish curls framed her face. How can you look so beautiful and menacing at once. I must have looked like a stupid puppy because a small smile crossed her lips. “Come on, you can get ready at your mother's house.” Her soft loving tone had returned as her hand touched my shoulder. She packed up my clothes and grabbed her purse and lead me out the door. I held on her purse strap like a child. We walked out the sliding doors as the front desk clerk gave me a suspicious look. Rose gently sat me in the passenger seat and drove to the house. I was dreading seeing my family today. I needed to be their support and I couldn't even support myself. I wanted to run back to Seattle, back to my life there, but I knew that was impossible.

When we arrived at the house there were several other cars parked in front. I recognized my aunt's car. Her family was always much more wealthy than mine, her children were loving and had no clue how good their lives were. I flipped down the sunshade mirror to see how bad the damage was. I looked like I had been dragged through hell. My eyes were almost completely red and they popped due to the dark purple forming under them. My lips were cracked and held a faded pink tone, like that of dying roses. My face was blotchy with a harsh redness. I put the sunshade back into its place and turned to Rose. “Well, my family will be impressed that I was able to snag you, looking the way I do now.” I tried to make my voice playful, but my throat was dry and the words were cracked as they left my lips. “ You look like anyone would expect you to look. If you looked to put together, it would be suspicious.” Her voice was flat and had no emotion. She seemed drained and I felt a sudden wave of guilt cross my body. We both exited the car and made our way towards the door. The house was silent. Usually, with this much family, there would be music pouring out of every window and laughter would escape the walls. No noise, not even the sound of the kitchen. The door was opened with a loud creak by Lily. Her eyes were bloodshot as well, but she was able to muster a smile. Her name was so perfect, she was so delicate like a lily, so pure. The symbol of rebirth. She grabbed onto my shirt and hugged me as tightly as she could. I could feel the warmth coming from her eyes, slowly soaking into my shirt. I picked her up and carried her to the kitchen. Rose seemed to be lost. Her eyes were glazed over and she looked like a walking statue. More guilt flooded into my body. My cousins were sitting at the small metal table tipping their cups and looking at the water inside. My aunt and mother were nowhere to be found. My eyes wandered to the living room, the tv was gone along with the chair.

My disgrace of a father. He left. Too much distraction from his game probably, or he ran off with the woman he was cheating on my mother with. I sat Lilly down in a chair in the living room, “ I need to go get dressed, okay?” My voiced cracked mid-sentence. She shook her small head in agreement. I turned to Rose, and she handed me the bag of clothing without saying a word. Her eyes were still glazed, she seemed to be daydreaming. Just going through the motions of life without any emotion. “Can we talk?” I tried to look her in the eyes when I asked her the question. “Uh. What?” She was clearly off in another land. I wonder what she was thinking about then. I wonder if she was regretting her feelings for me, or if she was thinking about Seattle and what it would have been like if she had never met me. I know now that she was indeed picturing her life without my involvement. “Can we talk?” I repeated myself this time emphasizing on talk. “Oh of course.” A smile escaped as she said this in her usual soft tone. She walked in front of me to my bedroom. I watched her as we walked, You should have never followed me here. I should have never fallen for you. I felt as if I was losing my humanity. I felt broken. I had become so lost in my own thoughts that I bumped into Rose when we reached my room. She stumbled, and I was just so lost that I just stood there like an i***t. “What did you want to talk about?” She said this in the monotone voice she had taken on anything we were alone now. I just stood there still lost in the situation for several minutes before saying “Ummm”. I must have looked broken or dead because she looked as if she was examining an abstract painting. “ I just wanted to say that I was sorry for dragging you through all if this.” I continued. “ I have been distant and I apologize”. I tried my hardest to sound genuine, but I could tell that I didn't try hard enough. Her eyes glazed over again. I had lost her. “it's okay”. The sweet nurturing tone of her voice vanished. She left the room while I got changed, my mind was all over the place. Bouncing from Maria to Rose to Sam. I was stressed and hadn't gotten a solid night of sleep since we got here. As I tightened my tie I stared at the stranger in the mirror. I had become unrecognizable, dark purple circles had found their home under my bloodshot eyes. My eyes had adopted a darker brown color, almost black. I looked dead. I walked out of the room, trying to find Rose. I walked out to the living room and found the children still sitting at the table trying to escape through their water glasses. Rose was not there, I walked to my mother's room and found her holding my mother. She was so loving, I really didn't deserve her. I stood there for a few minutes with it saying anything, I didn't want to interrupt this. My mother looked up, her eyes were puffy and red. Her face was blotchy like a child's after losing a toy. “Nino, you look dashing”. A smile flashed across her lips, I was glad that I could make her smile. Rose smiled too. This gave me some hope for our quickly fading relationship.