What Love Isn’t

Chapter 4

October arrived with a cold snap and the first real fight Marcus and I had.

It started at Grace's party. Grace Chen—no relation to Marcus—was throwing a Halloween party, and she'd invited the whole senior class. I'd been looking forward to it for weeks, had even convinced Marcus to come with me even though he said parties weren't really his thing.

"I don't know why you want to go," he said as we got ready at his apartment. His mom was working a night shift at the hospital, so we had the place to ourselves. "It's just going to be a bunch of drunk idiots."

"It'll be fun. Grace throws great parties." I adjusted my cat ears—I'd gone for a simple costume, black dress and cat makeup. "Besides, I haven't seen most of these people in weeks."

"Whose fault is that?"

I looked at him sharply. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. Just that you've been choosing to spend time with me instead of them." He came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. "Which I appreciate, by the way."

"I like spending time with you."

"Good. Because I like spending time with you too." He kissed my neck, and I felt my resolve weakening. "We could skip the party. Stay here instead."

"Marcus, I already told Grace we'd be there."

"So text her and tell her you're sick."

"I don't want to lie to her."

His arms tightened slightly. "You'd rather go to some stupid party than be alone with me?"

"That's not what I said."

"But it's what you meant." He released me, stepping back. "Fine. Let's go to the party."

The drive to Grace's house was tense and silent. I tried to make conversation, but Marcus gave one-word answers, his jaw tight. By the time we arrived, I was already regretting coming.

The party was in full swing—music thumping, people everywhere, the smell of beer and cheap cologne thick in the air. Grace squealed when she saw me, pulling me into a hug.

"Jules! Oh my god, I've missed you! Where have you been?"

"Just busy with school and stuff."

"And by stuff, you mean him." Grace looked at Marcus, who was standing slightly behind me with his arms crossed. "Hi, I'm Grace. You must be the famous Marcus."

"Hi." He didn't smile.

"Well, come in! There's beer in the kitchen, and we're playing beer pong in the basement." Grace grabbed my hand. "Come on, I want you to meet some people from my art class."

"Actually," Marcus said, his hand closing around my other wrist. "I was hoping Julia and I could just hang out together."

Grace's smile faltered. "Oh. Okay. Well, you're welcome to join us—"

"We're good here." Marcus pulled me closer to him, his grip just a little too tight.

Grace looked at me, a question in her eyes. I forced a smile. "We'll catch up with you later, okay?"

"Sure. Yeah." She disappeared into the crowd, glancing back once with a concerned expression.

"Did you have to be so rude?" I asked Marcus once she was gone.

"I wasn't rude. I just don't want to spend the night following you around while you catch up with people you barely know."

"Grace is my friend."

"Is she? When's the last time you talked to her?"

I opened my mouth, then closed it. He had a point. I'd been so wrapped up in Marcus that I'd let most of my friendships slide.

"That's what I thought." Marcus steered me toward a quieter corner. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm just not comfortable at these things. Can we please just stay for an hour and then go?"

"Fine. One hour."

But the hour was torture. Marcus stayed glued to my side, his hand possessive on my waist. Every time someone tried to talk to me, he'd interrupt or pull me away. When a guy from my English class asked me about the homework, Marcus practically growled.

"Who was that?" he demanded once the guy had left.

"Just someone from class. We're partners on a project."

"You didn't tell me you had a male partner."

"It didn't come up. Marcus, what's wrong with you tonight?"

"What's wrong with me? You're the one flirting with other guys right in front of me."

"I wasn't flirting! I was having a conversation!"

"You were smiling at him."

"So? I smile at people. That's what normal humans do."

"Don't." His fingers dug into my waist. "Don't smile at other guys like that."

I pulled away from him, anger and confusion warring in my chest. "You're being ridiculous."

"I'm being ridiculous? You dragged me to this party, and now you're acting like you wish I wasn't here."

"Maybe I do wish you weren't here! You're being controlling and jealous and—"

"And what? In love with you?" His voice rose. "Sorry for caring about my girlfriend. Sorry for not wanting to watch her flirt with every guy at this party."

People were starting to stare. I felt my face burn with embarrassment. "I'm not doing this here. I'm going to get some air."

I pushed through the crowd, heading for the back door. The cool October air hit my face, and I sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm down.

"Julia, wait." Marcus followed me outside, grabbing my arm. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell."

"Let go of me."

"Not until you listen." His grip tightened. "I love you, okay? I love you so much it scares me sometimes. The thought of losing you, of you realizing you could do better—"

"Marcus, you're hurting me."

He looked down at his hand on my arm, then released me like I'd burned him. "s**t. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

"I want to go home."

"Julia, please. Let me explain."

"There's nothing to explain. You were acting like a jealous asshole, and now I want to go home."

"Let me drive you."

"I'll call my mom."

"Don't." He stepped closer, his voice dropping. "Please don't call your mom. She'll ask questions, and then your parents will think I'm some kind of psycho, and—" He ran his hands through his hair, looking genuinely distressed. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just love you so much, and I got scared. Please, Julia. Let me take you home. Let me make this right."

I should have called my mom. I should have walked back inside and found Grace or James or anyone else. But Marcus looked so broken, so genuinely sorry, that I felt my anger start to dissolve.

"Fine," I said. "Take me home."

The drive was silent except for Marcus's occasional apologies. When we pulled up in front of my house, he turned to me, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

"I'm so sorry," he said again. "I don't know what came over me. I just... I've never felt this way about anyone before, and it makes me crazy sometimes. The thought of losing you—"

"You're not going to lose me."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

He kissed me then, desperate and needy, and I kissed him back because I didn't know what else to do. When we finally pulled apart, he rested his forehead against mine.

"I love you, Julia Morrison."

It was the first time he'd said it. The words I'd been waiting to hear.

"I love you too," I whispered.

And I did. Despite the fight, despite the jealousy, despite the warning bells that were starting to ring in the back of my mind—I loved him.

I just didn't realize yet that love wasn't supposed to hurt.