Assassin X

Raven

She almost felt like even though she had made the date, she had no business showing up to it. After all, what would Papa say if he knew where she was for the night? The nights he didn’t need her were always her own, allowed to do what she wanted with her time off, but dating was a big no-no in Papa’s book.

It made sense, she knew, because how could someone date when they lived such a secretive and wrong life. No one would understand why she did what she did, no one would ever understand her.

But the anxious feeling when she thought of Alex, the date, the one night of freedom, went to her head. Well, that new sense of freedom and the martinis, both got to her head and before Raven knew it she was sitting in a swanky restaurant, drunk on martinis, and trying to keep herself from exploding right there at the table.

If there was anyone in her life, a friend, family member, guy, anything at all, then she maybe wouldn’t feel so bottled up like a rocket ready to explode. But since Alex asked her out, that was exactly how she had felt. And the martinis were some kind of rocket fuel, ready to push her out into the stratosphere of life.

She shouldn’t have even been there, she never should have agreed to meet him for a date. What had she been thinking?

Nothing good could come of being there, but when she walked in and saw how unbelievablely good he looked at the bar, she couldn’t walk out. She didn’t want to. But she had definitely needed a drink.

Drinking wasn't something Raven was an expert at, proven by the dizzy feeling she felt with the little she'd had with Alex. She’d had bagged drinks on the street and the occasional drinks with Papa but going out to a bar and ordering something was something completely different. So, when the bartender came over, there was only one drink that she could think of, one she’d seen classy women order on TV.

A martini.

She liked olives and thought the drink always looked delicious and wanted to be like one of the women who drank them so she gave it a chance. Not only was it tasty and went down easily, but they were strong, very strong, and before Raven knew it, the world was tilting and she was losing who she was.

Alex talked a little about his past and she suddenly started to feel open with him. Maybe it was being on a date for the first time since she was young, or maybe it was the charm that Alex oozed, or maybe it was the lonliness that was seeming to seep into her life with Alex making her feel a little less lonely. But whatever it was, she kept swallowing gulps of vodka and with each sip her world became a little fuzzier

Was there any such thing as black and white in life? Raven knew that Papa kept her in a world of black and white, good guys and bad guys. Her old life, her new life. But suddenly, with Alex and his ostrich burger and Raven with her martini, everything seemed like it was shades of grey. Nothing felt simple.

Then again, if she was honest with herself, things hadn’t felt simple in a long time in her life.

“So, what about you?”

It was the second time Alex asked her about her since they’d sat down at the table. The first time she’d avoided answering, but after an extra martini, her soul was ready to explode.

“Me? There isn’t anything good to tell.”

Alex was digging into his burger and he swallowed his ostrich. “There’s got to be something good to tell. Something interesting about you.”

She picked at her chicken and waffle sandwich, enjoying every bite that she took. With the booze flowing through her and relaxation hitting her more than it had in a long time, she couldn’t stop her mouth from moving.

“I didn’t say there was nothing interesting. I said there was nothing good.”

Alex put down his burger and looked at Raven.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“I mean that my life hasn’t been good. In fact, it hasn’t even been ok.”

The words were tumbling out of her mouth, saying things she’d never said out loud. Raven’s life had always been something she did her best not to think about. She kept her past tucked away, a dark secret she didn’t want to have anything to do with. But somewhere between the warmth of his smile and the warmth of the martinis, her past felt even colder and more distant from her. But it was about to bubble out and there was nothing she could do about it.

“I’ve lived most of my life on the street,” she finally confessed.

Alex had already put his burger down, but he actually pushed his plate away. She registered a little shock on his face, as he gave her his full attention.

“You mean like in a shelter or something?” he asked.

Sadly, Raven shook her head, images of her past were floating through her mind's eye and she just wanted them to go away. But instead of leaving her mind, keeping those memories buried deep down, they started going faster, rapid fire, until she couldn’t take it anymore.

“I was a foster child, in a system that didn’t work. At least not for me. My caseworker was always telling me how difficult I was, how some kids were placed into a home and lived happy lives with nice families. She said it was my fault that I had sharp edges, that no family was ever going to love me. Only the ones desperate for money from the state would take me, and those aren’t the types of families that would give teddy bears for Christmas. The families I had barely even remembered what day of the week it was, too consumed with their own bottles or drugs, to worry about any of the kids. They figured we had a roof over our head, a little food in our stomach, and rags that passed as clothes, it was good enough. I guess it would have been if there hadn’t been the beatings and the other things, the things that happened while I hid under my small covers at night.”

Raven’s tears had worked their way up her throat and were starting to drip out onto her cheeks. It was like a pressure gauge, having built up all the secrets and pain for so long, but once she turned her valve, there was no stopping what was coming out. Words were tumbling and she wasn’t even thinking, just letting them all happen. Maybe she needed to say them, maybe she needed someone to listen, or maybe she just needed to talk her way through her life and how it had come to all of this.

“All of this, this is all real?”

Raven gave Alex a sad, pathetic smile. Her life was the type you’d hear about in movies or books, the poor orphaned girl with the life of hard knocks. But how many people really knew anyone who had a life like that? How many people could say they were on a date with a girl who really had been beaten, abused, starved, and so much more?

“Yea, and let me tell you, it’s not like a movie where things somehow magically work out. Not when you’re on the streets and it is so cold that your bones actually hurt, the ache inside of you makes you think that you won’t even make it through the night. And sometimes, you wish you wouldn’t. But then you wake up, and you’re not sure if you should be thankful for another day, or angry because you have to live another day.”

“Why were you on the streets? Did they kick you out?”

“No, I would run away every time. I always thought if I kept running that eventually, one of those nice warm families would find me and want to pull me out of the misery I lived in. That they would save me. But instead someone would find me, they’d take me back to the children’s shelter, and then find me a new family. The cycle would begin again. This went on for years until finally the system gave up on me and the last time I ran away, no one tracked me down, no one cared. The families, the system, my caseworker, they all let me go. And I stayed there, on the streets, for a long long time.”

She watched Alex’s reaction to her story, a story she’d never told before and one she had no desire to ever tell again. It was hard to even know why she was telling him her story at all, it was a mistake to reveal so much of her. She knew it was. If Papa could hear her blubbering over her martinis and telling Alex, a virtual stranger, this tale of her life, he’d be furious. He’d probably cut her off.

Or worse.

But there was something about Alex, the way he smiled at her, the calm presence he had about him, the way he pursued her and wanted to know her that made it feel ok. It wasn’t ok, she was sure of that, because he could never ever find out who she truly was and she was revealing so many truths she was bound to get in trouble for, but she still felt ok with him. Safe somehow.

Maybe it was just having anyone in general to listen to her, but she felt that there was something different about Alex.

“So, how did you get out of it all? How did you get off the street?”

Alex was sitting up in his chair, his grip tight on her hand and which she didn't remember him grasping, and his eyes were filled with interest and concern.

Raven opened her mouth, the words right there before she even thought better of it, but she quickly snapped her lips shut.

She couldn’t believe what she’d almost done.

Without even thinking she almost blew her deepest, darkest, secret. The one that could get her thrown in jail or killed.

“I…I…I have to go.” Abruptly she stood from her chair, knocking it backwards as it clattered back to straighten itself. Raven snatched her purse from the table and turned away from Alex without looking at him.

She didn’t want to see the look on his face, as she was sure he was looking like her like she was crazy. And even worse was she didn’t want him to see her face, and the look of horror that she was sure was pasted on it for what she had almost said.

In a way that she’d learned to be so good at, Raven disappeared out of the door of the pub and into the night, finding shadows to slip in as she made her way home as fast as she could. Her cheeks were on fire and the tears wouldn’t stop coming.

Raven couldn’t remember the last time she lost control of her emotions that way, that she actually let herself feel everything that her life had handed her. The unfortunate thing was she hadn't been lying or feeling dramatic from the alcohol, there wasn’t anything good about it, not one good memory in her mind.

If only her parents, her real, parents we alive. Maybe then her life would have been different, maybe there would have been smiles instead of tears and loving hugs instead of bruises. But that wasn’t what life handed her and that wasn’t the choice she had been given. Papa hadn’t given her a choice to leave that cellar and try to find happiness somewhere. He had offered her the material things, safety, money, a home, but with her single date with Alex she realized that wasn’t what a person needed to survive.

Well, it wasn’t all a person needed. She needed a human connection, and as she saw through the haze of the martinis, that was something she would never have.