Frozen in time

Chapter ten

(three weeks later)

Eliza.

Why do I get the impression the year ended so quickly? I don't know if this is just in my head, or if it's really with the passage of time... the days are getting shorter... I just know that it seems like yesterday that I walked with my friends in a classroom. Today, the three of us are leaving for it, never to return. - I mean, to study again. Because we don't need to. But if we want... Oh, fine, I think I've already made it clear.

Anyway, what I mean is that today is our high school graduation day.

God only knows what we're feeling right now. Of course, everyone can't wait to get to that day. The day you say goodbye to all your dear teachers and your colleagues, because from now on, each one will follow their path and be exactly what they want to be. Someday, I might look back, and be proud of everything I've done, and be ashamed of everything I haven't done...or the other way around. I do not know. But I am fully aware that it is not possible for one person to play the role of several. I try to do only what is within my reach. And when the last drop falls into the glass... that's when we're sure there's no more. That we have already given everything we have in ourselves to achieve our goals.

Three weeks ago, on the same day that Carol did well in surgery, and we both went to eat burgers at McDonalds, hidden from Nurse Silvéria, - which was very difficult for me, as I ran a lot of risk of losing my job if she found out. But anyway, I promised, didn't I? - And I had a lot of fun with her drinking Coke with the fun flashing straws. The two of us have gotten a lot closer since the surgery, she told me more about her family, and her boyfriend Chad. Comparing her life with mine, we have a lot of differences... for example, I love my job, and she says she doesn't really want to work, as the pension she earns because of her late father, the employment company , is enough for her.

My way of thinking about life is very different from hers. The only thing I'm looking for is achieving my goals, and fulfilling my family's dreams, and Carol says she knows this is important, but for her, the most important thing is to enjoy what she has now, before it everything ends. Well, I don't know if she started to think like that only after finding out about cancer, I just know that she seems very, wanting to do what she says. It's just that it's very difficult to do that, when she's confined to a hospital bed, not being able to do much.

But even though we both have very different ways of thinking, I feel a lot like her when we're together. And I recognize that making small talk with her, - sometimes during my break time - or playing Uno, or just talking about boys, has been the best moments at work since Edu traveled and I stayed working in his place. .

I had arrived home, after a tiring day at the hospital, where I had to take the temperature, give medication, and change the oxygen dosages of children with asthma, about three times, in about thirty children. After I took a very cold shower and ate soup heated in the microwave, - because I had come home late - I was still eating the soup, when I heard a message on my cell phone, from Edu, which had been recorded four hours earlier:

''Hi Eliza, I just wanted to know if you're alright before I leave. If you can, call me.''

I didn't know he was going to travel that day, I thought it would only be next month, so I was really surprised, and I called him. Who answered immediately.

- Hey?

- Eliza. Hi. - His voice sounded a little surprised. - All right?

- I'm sorry I didn't call earlier, because I had a full day at work. I didn't know you were going to travel today. But I'm fine, just a little tired, but fine. Is that you?

- Do not worry. At least you answered. And I didn't know either, but my father anticipated the trip. I'm already at the airport, and in a few minutes, I won't be able to talk to you anymore. I'm glad you're alright. How are you doing at work?

- I'm doing fine. It doesn't look that hard.

I lied. It's been very difficult. But I don't want him to think I'm giving up so easily.

- And it's not difficult. It's just tiring. I want you to know that I care about you, and that I want to hear from you while I'm gone.

- Leave it, I'll call when I can.

I heard him taking a deep breath through my cell phone. He looks more tired than me.

- Really. You know I like you. I only agreed to finish it last time because you wanted it that way. But I still feel for you the same way I felt from the beginning. That's why I want you to tell me when it's not okay.

- It's ok.

- Promise you'll call me?

- Promise.

- Is my proposal still standing?

- Hmm... - I thought. - Of course you are.

In fact, I was almost forgetting about this proposal. With all the things that had happened to me: finding out that Carol wasn't on her meds, me getting promoted, and Sophie having to go to Milan. Not to mention the fact that Alice isolated herself in her house and doesn't want to talk to anyone after seeing her best friend kissing a girl at the party they went to. She didn't want to explain the story properly, but it made me very sad, as I know - and always have - that she felt something for him. And it must have been pretty awful for her to see what she saw.

Anyway, with all these things in my head, occupying most of it, I had forgotten something very important: thinking about going back to dating Edu. I mean... of course I still like him. But I'm not sure I like it enough to restart that weird two-hour-a-week courtship. This is exhausting and very... unnatural.

"Eliza," he said, after a moment of silence. - If you need anything... just ask.

- Do not worry about it. I'll be fine. And... I hope you have a great trip.

- She would be much more interesting if I had my little one by my side.

It had been a while since he called me that. I don't mind the fact that I'm 1.60 tall. But I don't like it when someone says it like that...

- Know that I may even be small, but I know very well how to defend myself, do you hear?

Then he laughed. And it felt incredibly good to make him laugh.

- I know. You're the angriest shorty I've ever seen. That's why I can't forget you. Listen Eliza, I have to hang up. But I promise to call you as soon as you arrive.

- All right. And I promise to answer. - I turned off.

And it was the last time I talked to Edu.

I mean... the last time, in three weeks. He didn't call like he promised. And I even tried calling a few times, but all calls went straight to voicemail. And I recorded some... except I gave up on doing it today at nine o'clock, when I had to come to high school to retake final exams.

That's right. I did poorly on finals.

I DON'T KNOW what happened, I had studied for exams! Oh, okay... I didn't study for exams. Only it's because I had to work late, and I slept on top of the book so many times, I don't even remember. So I got a low grade in half of the subjects. My parents went crazy, and threatened to force me out of work if I didn't study twice as much, for the second chance the teachers gave me, just because I was never one to get low grades.

I look at my nails, they are finished because I didn't have time to do it, and because I already ate them all because of anxiety. And I look at the teacher in square glasses and a dress shirt, who is sitting at the staff table correcting the tests of three students: Douglas, - a boy who never shows up in class - Fernando, - who never pays attention to class - and mine, who hasn't had time to study, and is getting sick with the fact that if I don't pass, and show up at the graduation party with my friends tonight, my job, and my whole life, it will be completely ruined for at least two years!

'Eliza,' she says and looks at me seriously. My legs are shaky, and I know I'm sweating despite the cold in this room. - You're approved. Congratulations.

I breathe a sigh of relief, and run to get my report card from the teacher. I just don't kiss her cheek because I don't even know her.

But I AM SO RELIEVED!

***

Sophie.

As one woman pulls my hair up, and another pinches my nail at Stacie's Hair salon, - one of the most expensive, and well-frequented salons in town - I look at Eliza's message that has just arrived on my cell phone:

''Girls, I passed!''

I answer:

''I said you would pass. Now, hurry up and go to the nearest beauty salon!''

''Not yet. Before, I have to go to the hospital and tell Carol.''

''Don't you have her cell phone or something?''

''Have. But I want to surprise you.''

''OK. All right, I give up!''

I am very happy for Eliza. Only is she serious? She doesn't quit her job even on graduation day?! Speaking of being happy... I'm mega-happy because my mom got my dad to let me go to my graduation party! I couldn't believe it when three days ago I heard my mom yell at him in their bedroom. I heard her say that if he insisted on not letting me go to my prom, she would never want to see his face again.

I know it's bad, my parents are fighting and stuff... but it's my party! I'm so excited, I can't wait.

But I can't forget that it's only twenty days until Christmas, that is, twenty days before Vogue's Christmas edition, and I don't think my dad will let me participate, even if my mom threatens to ask for the divorce. I'm not kidding, he's really pushy when he decides something.

I look at my mom, - who's right next to me, also getting ready for my graduation - and I feel sorry for her. It is true. Now that I've stopped to look around, I realize she's a little sad at the wedding. I don't know... my father is smart, straight, and very... very careful. But where do love and affection come in? It's been a while since I've seen my friends touch each other, not even to kiss!

I don't know if they are so busy that they don't even have time to exchange kind words...I don't think I would want a wedding like that. One of these days... if I have time... I'll ask her how she feels about it.

But also talking about love and everything... I can't even talk about my parents' love life. Because I may be happier today... but the last three weeks have been horrible for me. It was SIMPLY hell! I was in a mud puddle until yesterday because Rick broke up with me. I just can't believe the s**t this kid did! Just remembering that day makes me want to slit his throat.

Three weeks ago - the same day Alice called me to ask for fashion tips to go to a party with her best friend - after I got home, and saw Rick sitting on the couch talking to my mom, the following happened:

The weather inside his car was great. He told me he was talking about the card game he played with his cousins ​​on his parents' farm, where they had set a trap for Rick to lose, as he always won, and in the end, he ended up cheating the cousins , and won the game the same way. I didn't find this story as funny as my mom, but I laughed a little just so I wouldn't hurt him.

As soon as we got off the elevator to enter his apartment, Rick took me by surprise when he threw me over his shoulder and led me to his room. I laughed my a*s off because I was tickling, but I found it strange that he was so amused and in such a good mood after the sinister cell phone conversation the day before. Anyway, he left me and said he was going to the kitchen to get us something to eat.

Rick's apartment isn't that big, but it's very cute and tidy, - thanks to the housekeeper, that his parents pay - it has a bed that takes up almost the entire room in the suite, a small closet, a very large flat-screen TV , has a small living room, with another big TV, video game, and a white sofa. I just find it strange that the kitchen is so well equipped and so beautiful, with a cooktop stove, a refrigerator, - which is always stuffed with the common groceries of a large family - a cupboard, marble counters, with high stools for eating, and many household appliances that many women have at home, since he's just a teenager.

And he is a boy.

And it's not that I have anything against kids who like to cook. But I never get used to the idea. Sometimes I think I'm a little envious of the fact that Rick always made mega difficult dishes like smoked salmon, spaghetti, baked meats, and very refined desserts every time I managed to get away from home to have dinner with him. As for me... if they put me in a kitchen, the only thing I know how to do is get a glass of water and eat things that don't need a fire to be able to eat. But I can blame my parents for that. They never let me go near a stove!

So that day, I took off my sandals, jumped on Rick's bed, and turned on the TV by remote. I still remember the damn romance movie I was watching: ''A Passion Diary''. Of course, when I put it on that channel, I never imagined that Rick would do what he did. Finally, a few minutes later, he came into the room holding a tray with two natural sandwiches, and two glasses of something I didn't know what it was, mixed with ice.

- What are you watching over there? he asked, as he placed the tray on the bed, and joined me.

- It's a romance film, Diary of a passion. It tells the story of a woman who forgets everything, and her husband has to go to the hospital every day to recount his love story. It's one of my favorites, only if you don't want to watch it...

- Not alright. - He looked at me. - I can watch this one.

- What did you bring to drink?

- It's whiskey.

- Whiskey? But you know I don't drink...

- But it's not pure whiskey. And I brought it to celebrate.

- Celebrate what?

He looked at me, not bothering to answer my question.

- I can't believe you're even here in my bed.

I laughed.

- Like this?

- It's just that you haven't been here for weeks. And I thought once you were doing well at work... you'd never have time for me again.

- What are you talking about? I know I don't have a lot of time... but I would find a way to see you. I'm here aren't I?

- IT'S. You are.

He stared at me for long seconds, and then he pulled me down onto the bed and leaned over me. Our faces were very close to each other.

- Rick... - I laughed. - What you want? You're strange.

- I want you, isn't it obvious? - He looked at me, deeply, with those green and very beautiful eyes.

- But you already have me.

- Not entirely.

- I don't know what you mean...

- You know what I mean.

Then he kissed me.

But he kissed me very willingly. As if he had never kissed me in his life! I felt a little uncomfortable about it, but he was my boyfriend, what could I do? I returned the kiss. It was weird how desperately his tongue invaded my mouth looking for mine, like he wanted to possess me or something like that, mainly because he used to kiss me gently, and very calmly. But at this point, he even left me breathless, and then he kissed all over my neck and shoulder. I wanted to stop and ask what had happened to him, but he was pinning me between his legs, and I couldn't move much.

It wasn't until he pulled my shirt over my shoulders, kissing me with the greatest of ease, and then he brought his hand to the buttons of my shot jeans, that I managed to push him away.

- What got into you?

- Nothing. What was it? Don't you like it that way?

- It doesn't matter if I like it or not. This is not you.

- Of course it's me. - He leaned over me again, and kissed me.

This time, I jumped out of bed very angry.

- You drank, didn't you?

"No." He sat up in bed and swept his hands through his hair.

I stared at him, perplexed, and noticed that his green eyes were a little darker and had small red veins irritated at the corners. I walked over to him and held his face in my hands so I could stop him from lying to me.

- Rick, have you... been using some kind of d**g?

"Look..." He sniffed. - It was just once.

- What... - I yelled. - What the hell did you do?!

- It's all your fault! - He stood up, and faced me.

- My fault? - I couldn't believe what I heard.

- If you had more time for me or if you gave me some value, maybe I would not need to take drugs to forget about you for a few hours.

- Are you listening to all this s**t you're saying?! How can it be my fault? It's your life, and you're spoiling it! I can't believe this... what are your parents going to say, what are my parents going to do...?

- See?! - he yelled. - Can you see that you only worry about what others will think, instead of worrying about what I feel, or... with what you feel?

- I don't need to worry about what you feel, or what I feel, because I already know what I'm feeling... and it's hate! I hate you! Because you ended up with every little chance the two of us had to be together! You are a complete asshole!

He was silent. For long seconds, all I heard was Rick's gasping breath, and Allie's voice saying to Duke, ''For all this time, is this what I missed?'' after they'd made love, after so many years, coming from the TV.

- Excuse me. - He said, looking back at me with redder eyes, and watering. - I'm sorry for being an i***t, okay? But it's just that I love you more than myself, and I can't live like that anymore!

- Tell me, what do you want me to do? I don't know anything I can do to solve your problems! What do you want from me Enrique?!

- Come live with me. - he fired.

I froze. WHAT?! I held my breath, and Rick looked at me.

- What did you say? - I whispered.

- Come live with me Sophie. - he ran to me, grabbed my hands, and looked into my eyes. - You'll be eighteen already... the apartment has everything we need, it just doesn't have a service area, but that, we'll solve later... we'll be very happy together.

- What? - I said, and that was all I could say.

I wasn't prepared for this. I was simply taken by surprise.

"Sophie..." He didn't take his gaze from mine, nor did he drop his hands from mine as he knelt in front of me. - Marry me?

- I... I... I'm sorry Rick. But I... I can't get married.

I hid my face in my hands, to hold back the tears that were already threatening to fall. Rick got to his feet, and looked at me, confused.

- Like this? Are your parents? Sophie, you'll be of legal age, they won't be able to...

- Is not it! - I screamed, and couldn't hold back the tears anymore.

- Is it about the money? Is it because I support myself on my parents' allowance? Don't worry... I'm going to work with Ricardo in his father's lab... and we can have our wedding party on my parents' farm...

- Enrique, that's not it!

- So what is it?

The problem is, I don't love you! I don't love you enough to marry you! I'm not ready to abandon my dreams and live a mediocre life alongside a person I'm not sure I love! - that's what I wanted to say.

But I didn't say.

- Rick... we're young - I said that. - We just finished our studies. You're going to college, and I'm making my dreams come true... we're at the beginning of a lifetime. And why do you want to screw it up by marrying me? I'm barely eighteen, and I'm not pregnant... we don't have to get married anytime soon.

- Of course we can continue with our dreams. A wedding won't hurt. I know many couples who live together and have a happy, successful life! Sophie, marry me, and we'll be rule free...you won't need to climb over walls to find me or sneak out...

- Enrique... I can barely cook, imagine taking care of a house by myself?! I'm really not ready for this.

- You said you loved me! he yelled suddenly. And when I saw the tears falling from his eyes, I felt worse. - All this time... you've been lying.

- No...

- It's clear to me! You never loved me the way I love you. You only care about that agency, about your famous and rich supermodel career! You just used me... just used me to have some i***t cuddle up to sleep with, and play dating, didn't you?

"Of course not..." I said, as I cried and sobbed. - I didn't use you! Enrique...

I ran to him, and hugged him. But he didn't reciprocate, he was just stiff in my arms.

- Rick... let's forget about this crazy marriage and go back to how we were before... just boyfriends... it will be much easier this way.

- Damn it if it's easier! - He pushed me hard, and wiped the tears from his eyes.

I had to balance myself to keep from falling, and I stared at him in disbelief. I had never seen him like that. His look was hateful, and I confess I was scared of what he might do to me.

- Get out of my room Sophie! - He yelled, with his back to me.

- W-what? - I stammered.

- Get away... from my room... now! I don't ever want to see you again in my life! If you don't want to marry me, it's because you don't love me. I want you to walk out the door and never come in here again! I hope you blow yourself up with that bunch of bitches from that agency!

- Not talk like that!

I didn't see when he'd snatched the whiskey glass from the bed, but I jumped in fright when he threw the glass at the wall, right beside me. The noise of the glass hitting and scattering into a million shards from the force with which he threw the glass, and his scream made me cover my ears and duck.

- I already told you to go away! - he yelled.

I swallowed back the cry, and walked slowly over to my sandals and my shirt, and took them both, - aware of Rick's hard gaze on me - I was too scared of what he might do. And so, I quickly left the room, not bothering to cut my foot on the shards of the floor.

I had never experienced such humiliation in my life. How can he do this? I still haven't fully recovered. I stayed nights and nights crying, and wondering where did I go wrong? It was my mom and friends who helped me get through with sleepovers, brigadeiros, and conversations. I never told my parents the details of what had happened, otherwise, my dad could have Rick arrested for throwing the cup so close to me, and my mom would tell his parents he was high.

In the end, I ended up feeling really sorry for Rick.

Because the only person he's hurting by drinking and drugging is himself. Because my heart...

Well, I think I can freeze my feelings for a few days.