The world was silent when we died

Doubt

……”your woman too big” said a pedestrian as a passenger was trying to sit in the front seat of a cab with me (as it is two passengers in the front seat). This and many more are the insults i receive from everyone, directly or indirectly. I would go in my closet and cry my eyes out, i would be depressed for hours/days/weeks but even with all those tears, when i look in the mirror i still look the same, the fat, black, ugly girl everyone hates.

I grew up in a big city where you have to be strong to survive, where life was no bed of roses, in a country where bullying was common, where you earn little to spend more. I grew up in a family where there was zero love and favoritism, where the senior is right even when they are wrong, where judgement was passed base on favoritism, where feeding was a luxury. This city and family shaped my life.

I never really had any friends, no one deemed me fit to be their friend, I was always the one forcing friendships and it always left me heartbroken. My life failed right from when i was a child, my classmates in all my school levels hated me and treated me like trash, my life was ruined even as a baby, I thought i would be loved when i become older but it became worse with every passing minute of my life, I ended up hating my own life, i was forced to start hating everything and everyone around me.

My career choice? I was too poor to pursue my dream of becoming a surgeon, i couldn’t afford school fees, my parents weren’t even an option because we(the children) were the ones providing for them and ourselves. I stayed home for years after my secondary school education and after so many years i ended up opting for part time studies, so i could work and study, even that was tough, I tried many ways to make money, I put shame aside and asked people for connections and jobs but i was mocked and turned down, I ended up doing tough jobs with little pay, their reason for such little pay? I had just my SSCE, that was one reason i decided to pursue my education again by opting for part time studies.

I always help myself feel better by having rich daydreams, i would picture myself being a rich boss, the president of the country, the CEO of a multinational and multimillionaire company, an artist, the best and most followed and famous actor and artist in the world but in reality i didn’t see that happening, not with the hate people had for me and my low financial level.

………… the passenger had to come down from the vehicle because i was too fat for him to sit with me. The driver was surprisingly silent but kept on looking at me with disgust in his eyes, I could tell he was disgusted by my size and skin colour, my anxiety kicked in and i felt like jumping into an ocean and drown. He couldn’t carry another passenger to join me at the front anymore until i came down at my bus stop. I got home and cried my eyes out, I was actually on a weight loss journey but it was difficult and i wasn’t loosing weight because i binged a lot.

……… I wasn’t always fat, infact i was so slim that i was nicknamed “crayfish” and many other names related to a thin girl. So, I started eating much to “add more flesh” but it seems i over did it and i ended up weighing 100kg. Thing is i didn’t realize how fat i had become until years later, ofcourse people called me fat but i thought it was because i was too slim before so they are surprised i actually added weight so i didn’t think much of their “fat calling”. But when i stared in the mirror years later, I saw a stranger and that year i started my weight loss journey, it was going well and i was seeing progress but then i lacked motivation to continue so i ended the year not getting my desired weight but i promised myself that the next year i would be more serious, and so far it’s going terrible and good…:::

……….after crying for a long time, i thought to call my friend or boyfriend to feel better but later decided not to because i didn’t want to vent and they would see me as vulnerable and weak and hate me, so i ended up going to bed with a strong desire to be more disciplined in my weight loss journey. Plus i had no real friends or friend

Destiny is the name of my boyfriend, if I’m told to describe him, i would say he’s nonchalant, mid-handsome, less funny, determined and maybe kind?! He is the only man i love currently because ? I honestly don’t even know why i love him, maybe because he is the only one available now, or maybe because he has a resemblance with my favorite artist, or maybe because he isn’t lovey dovey, or maybe because he is the only one i can call when I’m bored, i just don’t have a reason for loving him. Love hasn’t always been my thing, I’ve always wanted to be a successful and powerful single lady so love was not even among the first 100things on my mind, yes, i craved being truly cared for by someone, male or female, because no one has ever cared for me or put me first or second, but i didn’t want a long term intimate relationship/partner, maybe i love destiny because i wanted to pass time or maybe just have s*x?! Hmmm..