her sweet chains

Episode 25 Continued

“Hey Ash.” I said brightly as I approached my usual seat he smiled and held out a cup.

“Monday thought you might appreciate a hot chocolate.” He said blushing a little as he said this.

“thanks.” I said smiling honestly as I sat down next to him and quickly bent over pulling my things from my bag careful to ensure my face stayed hidden as I felt ridiculous tears sneaking out.

“Jessie.” He said gently sounding very unsure, “are you okay.” I nodded weakly keeping my head down until I blink away the tears. “Was your cousin okay with the baby?” he asked hesitantly, I smiled and nodded,

“She had a little boy Lucas he’s beautiful and great at screaming.” Ashton smiled.

“oh.” He said as if remembering he reached into his folder and pulled out a small plastic wallet containing several sheets of paper filled with his very neat regular writing. “This is from Friday’s class.”

“right.” I said taking them “thanks I’ll copy them up and return them tomorrow.”

“Oh no need.” he said quickly “that’s the copy I made for you.”

“oh.” I said biting my lip against further ridiculous tears I felt welling up at this simple kind gesture, “thanks.”

“That’s alright.” He said in a squeaky type voice looking horrified that I was clearly on the verge of tears, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself I’d been behaving like a human hosepipe since Derek’s stinging words on Sunday. I was angry too and I know me I know soon anger will overwhelm sadness but right now tears kept ridiculously popping up. “What’s wrong with your hand?” he asked awkwardly as I tried to reassert control over my tear ducts. I gave a very poor impersonation of a smile,

“Nothing just gave it a whack.” I said shaking my heavily bandaged hand lightly. In truth I had broken it when I punched Derek, but I didn’t need a cast Kate had told me as if I didn’t know that it would heal on its own in a few days.

“Are you…. You know… alright?” he asked awkwardly, I felt myself melt it was so sweet how awkward he was and yet he still wanted to help.

“Not really.” I said smiling “family sucks.” Ashton smiled back still blushing though.

“Well I can’t argue with that.” he said, “do you want to talk?” he asked though I could see how horrified he was by the very thought. I smiled and shook my head,

“I’ve got a hot chocolate to drink.” Ashton beamed as I took a swig and I could have sworn I heard his crazy rapid heartbeat suddenly slow.

           As Ashton and I left our last lecture an uncomfortable silence still hung over the pair of us, as Ashton puzzled over a million questions he wanted to ask but couldn’t dare to ask. I growled and dug my vibrating mobile out of my pocket; I scanned the caller id and growled before hastily rejecting the call and shoving the phone back in my pocket. Ashton raised an eyebrow quizzically but didn’t ask. The phone began to vibrate again I growled loudly and pulled it out when I saw the caller I snarled and turned the phone off shoving it back in my bag roughly.

“Are you….” He hesitated,

“Boys.” I snorted with a brave attempt at bravado,

“boyfriend.” He said although I knew he was hating even the thought of this conversation. “Or ex?”

“Asking if I’m single?” I said playfully, Ashton laughed

“Afraid you’re far too stunning to be my type.”

“Damn it.” I snarled flinging my Hands up, “Derek …it’s … complicated.” I said hesitantly but wanting Ashton to know that I appreciated his attempt at being a girl pal (even though I didn’t need one, after all I’d never had one so I was as clueless as Ashton when it came to their function)

“Grandee Latte kind of complicated?” he asked nodding towards the coffee bar. I smiled lightly,

“A double I think.” Ashton smiled as I froze looking across the collection of tables.

“Jessie.” He said,

“I think.” I said dreamily my eyes still locked on the distance, “I do need a double but I don’t think caffeine will do it.

“What?” Ashton said as I turned to look at him. I smiled before patting him on the shoulder.

“I think I need to get pissed.” I said weaving my way through the tables, a small skinny type of furry rat announced by presence with a sharp persistent yapping, “Hi.” I said brightly as a clearly thrown Amy looked up from her yapping puppy.

“Oh hi um…Jess right.”

“yeah.” I said noticing she, lauren or the guy they were with didn’t offer me a seat but I sat down anyway. “Sorry I missed the fresher's thing.” I said trying to smile “family problems but I was wondering if there’s anything on today me and Jamie really need some down time.” Lauren’s eyes sparkled,

“Jamie as in the really cute guy you live with.” I nodded smiling vaguely. Lauren beamed “promise you’ll bring him with you and you have a party invite.” Damn it was easy to buy a friendship with these girls.

During the next week I effortlessly seemed to form a split personality. The one I recognised Jessie who hung out with Jamie, ate too much, went running (me and Jamie shifted into wolf form once a week to run or rather he did I mostly found the calm required to shift elusive so just ran in human form) , I kick boxed (very carefully ensuring I avoided Scott as much as possible) called Darius e-mailed the boys, avoided Derek’s calls of course (I was still bloody mad at him but the number of calls I was forced to reject had reduced maybe he was getting the message) and went to class didn’t mingle much and just hung around with a still bemused Ashton. Although he was beginning to ease up he seemed renewingly confused by my new split personality seeming to perceive it as my way of subtly ditching him so he seemed thoroughly confused by the fact that I was still around. And after five days of me asking he actually agreed to come home and hang out with me, Jamie and a pizza. Although he didn’t seem at all relaxed as he sat bolt upright gripping the chair arms and he instantly vanished as soon as he had eaten one slice of pizza apologizing over and over about the crumbs he apparently dropped on the carpet (neither me or Jamie could see any!)

           My alternate personality was some girl I’d never really known before who seemed to be called Jessica (which I hated it was generally what I was called when I was in trouble).and that life seemed to begin in the evenings when I would Join Amy and Lauren and pretty much get drunk in a variety of locations apparently for a variety of different reasons though for me it was always for the same reason. I didn’t tell my new Girl pals this as I didn’t have to it turned out I really didn’t have to tell them very much at all. All I did have to do is turn up smile drink a lot and dance around shouting loudly. This branch of ‘friends’ which I had acquired soon became vast as I didn’t want or need anything from them besides time out of my stupid reality. Yet despite this desperation to escape I always managed to regain a semblance of control which my newly acquired girl pals seemed to lack, I don’t know why as I of course didn’t drink much in my younger youth but I guess it was my rapid metabolism which starts to remove the alcohol effects before they went too far. It also seemed that Guys liked me and the fact that I wasn’t interested seemed to not discourage them at all so they just hovered which Amy and Lauren also seemed to love. Although Amy was keen to constantly tell me in her sunshine voice that,

“The best way to over a man is to get under another one.”

I also seemed to be very popular with my new friends because I could instantly and very accurately tell if a guy was interested in them or not (but they tended not to like it when I said they weren’t even though I was generally right), although I was a little baffled that they couldn’t see it. I mean guys get a look when they are hunting whether they are hunting a deer or a girl it makes no difference it written in his face, his posture, his walk, his gaze especially. I also had a tiny suspicion that Jamie may have had something to do with my intense friendships, as he we my bodyguard he obviously felt the need to accompany me on these drinking excursions, he didn’t mix much with the girls he was a just a lingering shadow who floated nearby looking rather aloof and bored with the whole thing. Though it seemed to be a look that worked on him as Lauren in particular seemed to be developing a bit of a thing for him, though of course Jamie seemed oblivious of her subtle hints and TERRIFIED by her direct ones (his wolf instincts still told him he was supposed to be the one doing the chasing it was his nature). Respect for women however was something that he had been taught by the pack, he had learned well perhaps another reason Lauren liked him as he was rather inclined to Open doors for her, pull chairs out and of course listen attentively to her.  

Thankfully when we were getting drunk Twinkle wasn’t around much which was good as that tiny bad tempered fluffy little rat really didn’t like me and his constant yapping was giving me a headache. But unfortunately after over a week of getting drunk out and about the girls playfully suggested we have a girly night in my flat and didn’t seem to interpret my scowl correctly and hence turned up in my flat on Sunday evening with lots of pizza and bottles of pink fizzy stuff and unfortunately twinkle. I sat entwined in an armchair with Jamie, while Amy and Lauren twittered about something that I think was related to the guy Amy had met on err Wednesday night? And twinkle yapped around our ankles

“Jess.” Jamie hissed next to my ear. I twisted around on his lap slightly so I could see him. “Can I go?”

“Not a chance.” I whispered,

“They’re your friends not mine.”

“They aren’t my friends there an exercise I’m attempting to assimilate.” I muttered quietly

“Huh?” he said blankly swinging his leg and giving twinkle a gentle kick as she nipped a hole in his sock. Twinkle snarled and suddenly began to bark again in that irritating little yap I gritted my teeth and making eye contact with twinkle let out a quiet growl deep in my throat, Twinkle looked a little stunned for a moment before he began yapping again. I growled in irritation as Jamie laughed,

“I can tell he’s terrified and just hiding it really well.” he muttered in my ear, I laughed,

“I know, I know.” Lauren said brightly beaming at me and I realised we had actually completely accidentally managed to laugh in the right spot.

“What’s that?” Jamie said suddenly squirming around.

“It’s yours.” I said frowning and reaching into his pocket and passed the phone over to him scowling as I spotted Derek’s caller id on the screen. Jamie frowned but took the phone with a shrug as I slid off his lap onto the floor and shuffled over to the coffee table where the girls were pouring out shots of tequila.

“Err Hi.” Jamie said awkwardly as he slipped out of the room.

“There you go.” Amy said handing me a shot glass.

“Shall I pour one for Jamie?” Lauren asked sweetly begin to blush slightly as she always did when around Jamie or even talking about him it seems.

“That is not going to get him into your bed?” I said pointing at the bottle.

“That’s not what I was thinking.” Lauren muttered defensively.

“Mmm what would?” Amy asked thoughtfully I downed my shot and shrugged.

“Horse tranquilizers.” I suggested which made Amy snort with laughter and Lauren tried to look offended but failed as she had consumed rather a lot of tequila already. I had actually drunk enough that the constant pull I felt to Derek had dulled into a distant sort of throb easily ignored and my head was feeling fuzzy I was generally a little wobbly and just felt rather pleasantly woozy but I could see my mates were rather close to being blotto. So I poured myself another shot discretely booting twinkle who had again nipped my foot. The little mongrel retreated out of foot range but continued yapping viciously she was worse than a f*****g electric drill.

“Jess.” Jamie said quietly from the doorway I frowned over at him he gestured for me to come forward.

“What’s wrong?” I asked but Jamie just shook his head and gestured again. I sighed and pushed myself up to my feet with a groan. Jamie darted back into the hallway and closed the door gently.

“He wants to talk to you.” Jamie said holding out the phone silently.

“Jay.” I wined,

“Please Jess.” He whispered “I’ve been trying to get rid of him believe me but it’s not working. You ignoring him your driving him mad. You have to talk to him.” He snarled his eyes intense. I sighed and took the phone.

“But the girls.” I said clutching at the last pathetic excuse I could think of. Jamie smiled sadly,

“I’ll keep them occupied.”

“Hmm I bet.” I said slyly.

“Stop being smutty.” He teased flashing me a brilliant smile before walking away. I walked slowly into my room closing the door softly behind me and taking time to sit on my bed and take a few deep breaths in the vain hope that the delay would make Derek give up. But of course it didn’t as I raised the phone to my ear the line was clearly still connected but Derek was silent. I took another deep breath.

“Jess.” I hoarse voice floated down the line hairs suddenly leaping up down my back.

“Hi Dare.” I said weakly.

“f**k it.” he muttered breathlessly, “it’s so good to hear your voice.”

“Is that what you called for?” I snapped.

“Aaah! Your angry.” He said as though thoroughly pleased with his deduction abilities.

“Excellent deduction miss Marple.” I snapped.

"Still angry." he said thoughtfully “well I can't blame you I was a…..just give me a minute I’m trying to think of sufficiently evil word.” He said playfully

“I have one in mind” I said dryly.

“I’m sure you do my Darling.”

“Derek.” I said with heavy sigh “you’re drunk.”

“Yes I am. I am very Drunk in fact.” He said proudly. "you are too I think." I sighed 

“I don’t want to talk to you drunk.” I snapped

“You won’t talk to me full stop.”

“Is that why you bullied Jamie into this?” I asked incredulous.

“yep.” He said flatly, I sighed

“Derek.” I said my voice enforced calm, “you are drunk so this is pointless.”

“I need to talk to you.” He said softly I bit my lip I can’t argue with him when he’s so vulnerable like that, I didn’t answer I just let the silence spin out from between us. “I’m sorry.” He whispered so softly I almost missed it.

“So you got drunk and manipulated Jamie so that you can tell me its good to hear my voice and your sorry?” I asked my voice rising until I found I was shouting “just f**k your apology you are not sorry because I’m the one that rants not you. You meant everything you said you knew how much it would hurt me and that’s the reason you said it.”

“Yeah it is.” He said gently the moment I stopped yelling, “but I don’t think its true I just knew it would hurt you and I’m sorry, but right then that’s what I wanted. I wanted you to hurt the way you’ve been torturing me… every… day.” I sighed heavily and collapsed back on my bed. “Doesn’t this hurt you at all?” he asked softly a vague note of pleading was clear in his voice. I drew my legs up to my chest cuddling myself up into a ball a self protecting gesture against the agony that speaking with Derek had stabbed into my chest.

"every day." I Whispered, "is that you want you wanted me to admit that Derek?” I asked my voice suddenly was shockingly weak.

“I wanted you to stop me.”

“Stop you from what?”

“Moving on, trying to get over you?”

“Derek.” I said in a whisper but I didn’t have a clue what else to say.

“I don’t want to.” he said firmly “don’t you know that I love you and I can’t bear the thought of getting over us of not having you here. Of having to treat you as a friend a sort of sister and nothing else. Too see you and never hold you again. but I have this choice of tearing my heart out by trying to get over you and living like this I miss you so much and it hurts you being gone it just everything hurts, it hurts to breathe.” I felt gentle tears rolling down my cheeks and padding gently onto the Duvet beneath me. “I just love you so much Jess. I do.” I ran a hand over my forehead,

“Dare.” I whispered “what do you want.” I heard Derek sigh loudly into a long silence.

“I want you to tell me not to.” he said with a gentleness I didn’t link with Derek. “I know you left and I know what pain I feel from being away from you especially when you start screwing around but you just say the word and I’ll give up on this stupid idea and go back to pinning.” I sighed as he fell silent, something inside me screamed out to shout to him not to leave me to wait and I’d be with him before Dawn, but I couldn’t and that made something inside me hurt.

“Please Jess.” He whispered into the lingering silence “Please.” I was suddenly harshly pulled back to reality as a frantic growling began beyond my door. Damn that dog I thought savagely as I tried to bite back tears.

 “Derek.” I said in a hushed whisper. “ I’m sorry you feel like this but I’m doing this for the best.”

“Best for who Jess?”

 “Derek.” I snapped loudly over the persistent intensifying snarling barks “I Cant do this and you can’t ask me to you cant make it all down to me, I hate that I’m always the villain in this.”

“Jess.”

“I have to go.”

“No wait.”

“Don’t call back.”

“Jessie.”

“I’m sorry.” I whispered hanging up as I instantly felt sobs shake through my body. Twinkle barked and snarled savagely and I found my anger with Derek boiling up and all the exhausted sadness also transformed into anger all of which was suddenly directed at the nearest moving thing, twinkle. I felt shots of pain that signified the beginnings of a shift shooting through my legs. I knew I should attempt to restrain this shift but I didn’t want to at this moment I just wanted to let my anger rage and I wanted to just unleash it. I opened the door snarling as Twinkle sank her teeth deep into my ankle. I growled and grasped the dog with both hands yanking him effortlessly in front of me. He squirmed and thrashed attempting to bite me, as my rage blinded me and I twisted him savagely snapping his spine. The animal was instantly dead broken in two, though without spilling a single drop of blood. I dropped the dog horrified with my limbs still twitching in intense emotion.

“Jamie.” I whispered, “Help me.”