her sweet chains

Episode 24

I groaned quietly and contently as I awoke slowly the bright sunlight making me squint. I yawned and stretched suddenly rather firmly reminded of the fact that I was lying on the sofa as my stretch pitched me off the sofa landing heavily on the floor knocking my elbow sharply.

“Now this is why we’ve missed having you in the house so much.” An amused voice from the doorway said. I tried to open my eyes in the dazzling light just so I could narrow them at Dean, but rather than running away intimidated he just flashed me one of his winning smiles as his eyes lazily slid over my body in an appraising sort of way. Though this action did make me aware of the fact that my limbs were entangled in a thick fleece blanket, I frowned vaguely wondering where this had come from as I made an attempt to untangle myself from the blanket while trying to maintain my dignity. I managed to achieve one of the two.

“What?” I snapped irritably as I looked up to see Dean still loitering in the doorway, his gaze lazily sweeping across the clear disarray in the room.

“Such a beautiful sight first thing in the morning I’m just savouring every detail.” He said calmly,

“Well I live to amuse you.” I said blandly swinging my head around slowly appreciating the level of destruction me and Derek had caused.

“If you’re looking for Derek I think you broke him, he’s gone for a run to recuperate.” I growled in irritation and this time I managed to shoot a pretty intimidating glare with it, but he just shot me one of his beautiful smiles, “or if it’s your bra you’re looking for it’s under the remains of what was formerly your piano chair. But you should know I reckon the guys wouldn't mind if you just went without it. I narrowed my eyes at him but that just made him chuckle as he held his hands up in a mock sort of surrender. “I’ll leave you to it beautiful.” He said walking away. “By the way.” He called “Darius wants to speak to you.”

“I’ll bet he does.” I muttered looking around at the devastation for a moment before taking a deep breath and stood up trying to retrieve all my scattered items of clothing.

           I padded across the cold flagstones of the entrance hall wearing just my jeans and Bra, as my T-shirt was proving elusive, but thankfully I didn’t encounter any of the boys on the short walk to my bed room. I smiled as I slipped into my room as I could hear Lucas gentle cries from the infirmary. I gently closed the door behind me and frowned around the room, something was wrong I didn’t know what but something. Everything was more or less exactly where I expected them to be but something was wrong. I stood stock still giving intently at nothing trying to puzzle it out but when no flashes of brilliance came to me I gave a sigh and just stomped into my bathroom, smiling at the full bottles of all my shampoos and shower gels lined up in the correct order neatly along the shelf (Jamie could NOT seem to get my system and kept moving things!)

           I showered but found that the hot water didn’t sooth me in fact the exact opposite I found that here with the only focus being showering my mind wondered it was so quiet here, my mind started to wander and I didn’t like where it was going. Before I knew it I was scouring the top level of my skin off. Then I suddenly felt tired I rubbed my now pink skin dry quickly and decided to just ignore my hair. Flinging my towel to the floor I flopped onto the top of my bed and just nuzzled my face into my pillow. Suddenly I froze my eyes snapping open as I suddenly realised what was wrong here it hit me like a slap to the face. My bed smelt like Derek, I mean my room obviously had hints of all of my bothers floating in the air but the smell of Derek here was different, he had been here. My room didn’t have the abandoned empty room feel that all non used rooms had he had been here and more than that the realisation hit me he had been sleeping here. I felt tears began to slide down my cheeks as I realised what I had done.

           I woke from my light doze with a start. It took me several seconds to orientate myself enough to be able to recall where I was, and a few more to realize what had woken me up. I slowly and silently sat myself up walked lightly to the floor which was being lightly yet persistently wrapped on.  I crouched down silently and sniffed at the crack beneath the door tying to decipher an individual scent from those entwined in the air on the corridor.

“Jessie.” Carl said in a hushed urgent whisper “it’s not Derek. I know your in there so just let me in.” I sighed heavily and opened the door as soon as it was open a foot Carl pushed his way past me (strange he was happy to be that pushy now as my bedroom door had no lock the only thing which had stopped him from just walking in was his sense of decency and respect for privacy which apparently I’d surrendered a right to by opening the door a crack). “Darius is coming he wants to talk to you.” Carl said grabbing my hand, I groaned. “exactly.” he said lightly “so you can talk to me first.” He said his voice unusually grave,

“Huh?” I said thickly as he led me to the open window. “After you.” He said with a vague gesture.

“Up or down?”

“Up I think I don’t want to be eavesdropped on.”

“Well anymore than you can help living with a pack with intense hearing.” Carl smiled at me as I clambered awkwardly out of the window and dug my fingers into the foot and finger holds and quickly reached the roof and slid onto the thick ledge which served as a convenient bench. Carl settled down to me a second later. A light drizzle was falling around us blown by a harsh unforgiving wind that instantly snagged every slightly loose lock of hair and whipped it around my face, I suddenly began busying myself with securing these strands back from my face with more dedication than I would usually bother, but it was easier than enduring the thick silence with Carl.

“So.” I said when I couldn’t busy myself with my hair any longer.

“Yeah.” Carl said Inside I could feel myself frowning what the hell was that supposed to mean?

“What do you want?” I asked plainly, Carl sighed rubbing the back of his head looking thoroughly uncomfortable.

“Derek.” He muttered, I sighed now feeling as uncomfortable as him but decided to cover it with bravado.

“Right so you want to talk about me f*****g Derek or your belief that I’m f*****g with him.” I snapped,

“Well no I wasn’t really going to put it like that.” Carl said awkwardly determined to look anywhere but at me. I just looked at him flatly determined not to break this silence and eventually Carl broke it his words emerging slowly as if he was genuinely having to fight to pull them free.

“I don’t know what you too have …and I’m not trying to sort it that’s your thing… although.” He muttered significantly lowering his voice “I think we would all appreciate it if you…um kept your…err enthusiasms a little quieter… or maybe just close the door.” He added as a sort of afterthought which made me blush crimson.

“sorry.” I muttered

“I…I…what I wanted to know is if you can help me well Derek actually…he.” Mumbled rubbing a hand across his forehead roughly “Damn he’s loosing it he’s on edge, erratic he’s f*****g tail spinning and I can’t help him, he won’t let anyone help him. You …can… can you?”

“What?” I gabbled “what do you want me to do? What do you think he’ll let me do?”

“I don’t know Jess?” he said with an exasperated heavy sigh, “but he is loosing it. I mean do you know where he is right now?” I shrugged “he left you at six am got a blanket tucked you in kissed your forehead and then went out to run. I haven’t seen it since and it’s what eleven now?”

“And what’s wrong with that?”

“Its not unique he’s doing this every day now he’s spending longer and longer out there and he’s so angry ,Except for when we’re out hunting when he’s just Damn scary . I mean you can’t see it, the last hunt he damn near battered a rogue to death with his bare hands.”

“That’s what you do isn’t it?” I said slowly

“No.” Carl said firmly “its not. We fight rogues to protect our pack our territory this rogue was nothing. We… we should have run him, we were going to run him off but that doesn’t matter anyway we don’t fight alone!” I knew that. That was the reason we protected the pack so vigorously. Individually we were all strong and fast but we worked together that’s why we could defend ourselves from rogues as we all knew our brothers were there watching our backs. “Derek went off on his own when we found him, he was in human form had bound the rogue who was about seventeen and he was battering the living crap out of him with his bare hands. That is not what we do.”

“That’s what our justice always looks like to me.” I said,

“It was wrong and he knows that. He was just angry and that’s why he did it, anger. He can’t do that we don’t we can’t just let anger rule us. You know that it doesn’t work.” I sighed, “I’m worried about him.” I bit my lip, god I was soft touch when it came to my boys and simply appeals to me.

“He won’t listen to me.” I whispered desperately. “He hates me right now.”

“He loves you”

“And hates me.”

“Whatever he feels you know you love him. Please Jessie he won’t listen to me the only one who can reach him is you. You’re his north star you know that you always have been.”

“I think he deserves a more secure reference point than me.” I said quietly.

“You can’t move the stars.” Carl said gently.

“What am I supposed to say?” I grumbled

“I don’t know it’s your thing.” He said with a sigh “I don’t care how he deals with it but he has to f*****g deal with it. I mean he knows he knows as well as we do but he just can’t f*****g take it.”

“He knows what?” I asked perplexed.

“What we all now.” Carl said gently “you won’t come back.”

“What? Of course I will.”

“No you won’t and deep down you know that too. You’ll finish school and …I dunno …go of to…do whatever it is humans do…you know ….find yourself?” he finished with an eyebrow raised questioningly. “and that’ll be what a year and then you’ll meet some guy to f**k and get a job and before you know it years have started to pass and your still there and you forget us and where you belong. I mean Jamie knows he’ll be back, but you I don’t think so. To begin with you’ll be back every month for meets then eventually it’ll be every other month and before you know it we’ll see you every Christmas.”

“Does he really think that?” I asked quietly, Carl turned his gaze to me slowly as he smiled sadly.

“And deep down you do too don’t you?”

“Shhh.” I whispered “Mummy and Daddy need their rest little man.” I muttered as I jiggled Lucas in the way I had seen people do on TV. Although it didn’t seem to have the desired effect as Lucas squirmed as if uncomfortable in my arms irregularly making a mewing type noise. “shhh.” I hadn’t intended to end up cradling the baby, but Derek wasn’t around and instigating a shift to go find him proved elusive, so I’d abandoned this aim dodged Darius and taken sanctuary in the one safe haven open to me, the infirmary. I had smiled at Kate and Geoff who looked both elated and exhausted. Then I was stunned to be presented with the baby to hold, but to be honest after a few moments I found Lucas captivating. But after several minutes of pulling faces at him and grinning at his apparently bemused responses I lifted my eyes to the proud parents smiling only to see that they had both fallen asleep. This just left me terrified I didn’t know what to do with a baby, what was I supposed to do if it wanted something?

“Jessica.” Darius said firmly making me jump, “here you are I’ve been looking for you.”

“Oh.” I said with a good impression of being innocent, “I came to see the baby.” I said jiggling him significantly “after all it’s why I’m here.”

“Oh is it?” he asked with the air of somebody who was actually surprised by that fact. “I want to speak to you Jessie.” He said plainly

“I have the baby.” I said panicked Lucas thankfully chose that moment to mew discontentedly.

“It’s unconnected to the broken piano chair,” He said brightly, I shifted uncomfortably. “I mean it was a what fourteenth birthday present? And it’s held up pretty well I don’t think it was designed to be used by creatures quite as err…vigorous as you and Derek.” I narrowed my eyes glaring,

“You’re my father.” I snarled in outrage,

“Exactly why you’re going to put the baby down and come talk to me.”

“But Kate and Geoff are asleep.” I said diplomatically.

“fine.” Darius said picking up a clock on the small table next to him and threw it towards the bed it hit the wall behind it shattering loudly. “now there not .” he said plucking Lucas who had begun crying enthusiastically from my arms and handed him to Geoff who was indeed awake and shaking his head like a dog who had water in his ears trying to dispel the sleep still clinging to him. “Now if you’ll excuse me for the rude awakening I need to speak to my daughter.” Darius said brightly gripping my upper arm with a vice like grip and steering me determinedly from the room.  

           I Bit my lip too hard as Darius steered me into his study pushing me into sitting before walking around the desk to simply stand behind it and glare down at me. I couldn’t stop myself from squirming uncomfortably under his gaze as however strong and independent I liked to consider myself as being Darius was above all else my father as well as my alpha so he would never loose the ability to make me feel as if I was still five years old. I kept my gaze locked on Darius unable to look away and wishing he would just say something, I twisted myself in the chair his intense gaze making me more uncomfortable with every passing second.

“Will you just say it.” I finally snapped Darius smiled placidly.

“What do you want me to say?” he asked gently,

“I’m guessing I’m here so you can yell at me about how badly I’m treating Derek.” I snapped loudly. Darius sighed,

“I told you I wouldn’t. You know my thoughts on the matter so I will say nothing else what goes on between you and Derek is for you and Derek, although in future I would advice you to close the door.” He said placidly, that convinced my eyes to suddenly snap down to the ground as I felt my cheeks burn a bright crimson as I groaned quietly rubbing my forehead which had inexplicably begun to ache.

“So what do you want?” I mumbled to the floor, “if not to inform me of how much I have f****d with everyone’s lives.”

“I want you to talk to you.” He said gently. This bemused me to the point that I was forced to lift my gaze to frown at him. He smiled gently and sat himself down and only then did I notice the can of diet coke on the desk in front of me. “so.” He said nodding at the can clearly encouraging me before he leaned back in his chair surveying me in a way that I could see he was trying very hard to make light. “How’s the start of school going?”

           It transpired that all Darius honestly did want was to talk, well rather he wanted me to talk and he was an attentive audience when I overcame my initial reluctance to speak at all. We even moved into the kitchen so we could continue talking while we made a snack, which Darius actively encouraged as he proclaimed that I looked ‘awfully skinny’. in our little father daughter chat I of course neglected to mention the amount of alcohol I had taken to consuming but I was sure Jamie would inform him of this if he felt it necessary, which I hoped he wouldn’t as I didn’t want any of them to be thinking I couldn’t cope without Derek which of course I could, I was simply using alcohol to help ease the transition. But Darius didn’t seem to have any knowledge of this as he didn’t press me on this. But he seemed to be honestly amused to listen to my experiences of the highly hormonal experiences of the university students. he also seemed quite taken to Ashton by my descriptions of him which was puzzling to me as he wasn’t a member of the pack and I clearly felt very affectionate towards him, this type of connection towards one person wasn’t encouraged but Darius didn’t seem to mind, in contrast he seemed pleased that I had found a friend I felt so close to. I may not have wanted this conversation but then I actually realised I was enjoying being with my father and just chatting like this, it wasn’t until Andrew appeared in the kitchen puffy eyed and tussle haired that the two of us sopped laughing and looked up surprised to see that the day had turned into evening around us.

“Oh it’s gotten late.” I said vaguely looking at my watch ashamed for my lack of attention given to finding Derek which I had promised to Carl.

“I suppose it has and I’m sure you wish to spend he maximum possible amount of time with your brothers.” Darius said placidly smiling at me, as I nodded biting my lip hard. Darius leaned over pressing a light kiss onto my forehead. “I’m glad your having such a good time at school.” He said gently “I was worried about you. I still am.” he added “and I always will be because I’m your father but you have made me feel better about the matter. But Jessie my princess please promise you will come home if there is ANY hint of anything wrong.”

“Of course.” I whispered pressing myself up onto my toes to press a kiss onto Darius’ cheek. As I tried to push the images of that night in the forest when we had huddled fearful of an attack by a lingering Rogue scent we detected on the winds.

“Anything.” He said emphatically, I nodded gently

“Anything.” I echoed Darius smiled placing a hand gently on the small of my back and pressed me towards the backdoor gently, “thank you for this.” I said gently.

“For what?” eh asked seeming genuinely puzzled,

“For seeming interested and not simply wishing to tell me how much I had messed up.” Darius smiled,

“Don’t misunderstand me my princess I want you home very badly but I think we both know your nature simple wouldn’t allow that so I just want to ensure that you’re as happy as possible where you are.”

“Thank you.” I said again giving his hand a brief squeeze before I walked swiftly out into the approaching darkness and across the grass towards the boy’s house where I could see the glow of the television through the window. 

“Hey beautiful.” Dean called casually without lifting his eyes from the television screen which was showing he was again playing some stupid sort of war game, which Carl and Jamie were watching idly as they lounged out on the sofa.

“Hi.” I said brightly.

“So Darius managed to catch you then.” Carl said lightly, I nodded with a vague smile.

“You want to sit?” Jamie said trying to wriggle his slouched body up to something more like a sitting position.

“No.” I said shaking my head vaguely “you relax.” I said looking appealingly at Carl, “um…is.”

“He’s still not back.” Carl said gently, I nodded trying to ignore the intent look on Jamie’s face. 

“I’m …I’m tired.” I said gently, “I think I’m going to just …go…and wait for him…I think I need to talk to him.”

“Yeah.” Dean said, “but you try to not agree with him so vigorously this evening.” I glared at his back but of course this had little effect on him, and Jamie just tried hard not to laugh as Carl frowned as I tuned and flounced up the stairs to Derek’s room.

           His room which was in the usual state of complete disarray, and unlike my room which still clearly held the warmth of human habitation Derek’s room seemed to contain a lingering dust settling stuffiness of emptiness, yet despite this I still felt calmed simply by being surrounded in the familiarity of his space. I crossed over the room and lay myself down on top of his duvet nuzzling my nose into it slightly upset when I discovered the only trace of his scent upon this linen was stale more than weeks old. I brushed a hand across my cheeks vigorously and was surprised to find them damp with tears. Yet I still nuzzled down into the Duvet calmed by the gentle consistent sounds from the boys below drifted up to my ears. Though the sounds were weak and the scent of Derek was stale the simple familiarity of being here was so reassuring that try as I might I couldn’t keep my eyes from drifting shut.