Unapologetically Me

Chapter Fifty Four

It's true what they say about distance making the heart grow fonder. My heart was completely and irrevocably James'. Spending the little bit of time he had with me before he had to go back felt like he had never left.

I felt like I had never laughed harder and felt lighter in such a long time. Even when I had my shift on Friday night at the convenience store, he was there with me, sitting by the counter and telling me about school and classes and everything.

I did notice one thing, though. Not once did he ever mention his close friends, Sarah or Liam and it made me wonder if they had a falling out or something, because it wasn't like him to not mention them.

I also wondered if he knew that it bothered me when he talked about her. But it didn't matter, he was amazing and on Saturday morning when I had to drive him to the airport, I was a f*cking mess.

Before I even drove him there, I ugly cried in his arms for a while because I hated that he had to leave so soon. From the moment he arrived, he was perfect and he filled the void in my heart that had formed when he left me behind the first time.

"Hey," he whispered to me. "It's only going to be three weeks before I'm back. So, you'll be okay. I promise. I'll be back and I'll be staying for a few weeks."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Then I'll try to come back for spring break. And after that, summer. The whole summer. And maybe by then, you'll be able to come with me."

I glanced up at him and he cringed. "Jeez, that sounded bad. I didn't mean it like that. I mean, your mom looks good. Maybe it isn't as bad as they said?"

I shrugged. "I don't go in with her, so I don't know what they're saying to her."

He nods and I can tell he feels guilty for what he said. Because I order for me to go with him, my mom wouldn't be here. And even though she was a thorn in my side, I couldn't imagine being without her. It was also at that point in our conversation that I kind of didn't want to have to leave. I kind of like where I was working and how things were. The only thing that was missing was his presence.

I didn't tell him any of this, of course. I didn't want to make him feel like I was backing out of being with him. This trip of his, alone, proved to me just how much I loved and missed him.

At the airport, I broke down again, just not as hard as before. And this time around, James even cried too. He buried his face in my neck and inhaled deeply. I could hear him sniffling and feel his tears against my neck.

When he pulls away, his eyes are red and he wipes his nose with his sleeve. Seeing him actually break down like this makes it feel even harder to let him go because I want to fix the hurt in his heart.

I kiss him hard and he takes a deep breath, pressing me hard against his body before he pulls away.

"I'm going to miss you." I tell him.

"Me too. But three weeks. That's all and then we'll see each other again."

I smile and nod. After I watch him leave, I take a deep breath and drive away.

Every part of me doesn't want to go to work tonight . Not just because of all of the emotional sh*t, but because it will be my first ever time on stage and I feel like I could barf all over the place.

But when I get home, I begin getting ready. I know it sounds insane, but I want to rock the sh*t out of my first performance, so I begin riding myself of almost every hair on my body.

I exfoliate and pluck and primp all afternoon. When I get to the club at seven that night, Kimmy helps fix my hair and Hayley does my makeup. My outfit tonight is a black leather corset. I paired it with a matching leather bra and thong. I have six inch black stilettos and have a kind of emo look to my whole outfit.

I stare at myself in the mirror, feeling absolutely sick to my stomach. Kimmy and Hayley try to pump me up with compliments and promises of a celebration afterwards.

But I rehearsed for this. I worked my ass off for this single routine and I'm scared, but all I can think about is the money I'll make to help pay our bills.

When they call my stage name, I take a deep breath and plaster my seductive smile on my face and walk out onto the stage. My song ques up and all I can see is the men by the stage and the spotlights.

At first I kind of freeze. Kind of. I'm moving, but my brain doesn't fully get into it until I concentrate on just the music. After I do that, then I begin to loosen up and just do what I rehearsed. It's different with an audience, but seeing their hungry looks and then feeling them tuck money into my thong while I crawl around, I know that I'm doing okay.

It's nerve wracking but as soon as it's over and I'm in the back, the Kimmy and Hayley are cheering and jumping around for me and our den mother is walking over to me with a robe and a glass of water.

Simon, the guy who goes up and gets our clothes and the rest of our tips from stage comes back after a few minutes and hands me my box of tips and my leather bra. My heart is still beating a million miles a minute, but now that it's done, now that I finally got up on stage and did it, I'm relieved. And the relief brings unexplainable tears to my eyes, which have the girls hugging me and telling me I did absolutely amazing.

After I clean myself up, I walk the floor and find Dave sitting near the front of the stage that I just performed on. He stands with a giant grin on his face and calls me over, patting his lap.

I go to him quickly and sit in his lap. He's usually up on the second floor, so I'm surprised he's down here, slumming it with the normal people.

"What are you doing down here, Davey?"

I place my hand on his chest and drape my legs over both of his knees, resting my butt on the arm of the chair he's sitting in. I feel his hand next to me, but I don't feel uncomfortable with him. He had never been bad to me before.

"Well, I heard from a little birdie that my best friend Kay way performing tonight for the first time and I couldn't for the life of me pass up seeing your first performance." He grins up at me and I feel my throat ache with emotion.

"Well, what did you think?" I raise my eyebrows at him and he nods, rubbing his hands over the arms of the chair.

"You're perfection, Sweetheart. You've got me wrapped around your little finger." I grin at him and hug him tightly.

"Thank you! I really appreciate your support. You have no idea how nervous I was."

"You? Nervous? Baby, you dominated that stage like it owed you money. And did you get what it owed you?" He quirked a white eyebrow and I laughed.

"I think so. I hope so."

"Well, honey, you deserve every single tip you got. Never see a more beautiful woman up there, but don't tell Hayley, because she'll have my balls in a vice." He winks at me and I grin. He pulls money seemingly out of thin air and tucks a small wad into the waistband of my thong.

My heart spikes, but I keep my face neutral. "Don't worry, Davey, I would never rat out my favorite customer."

"I knew it! I knew I was your favorite! None of those young bucks have a thing on me!"

"No they don't!" We talked for a little bit longer before I moved on and worked the floor. I had eyes on me everywhere and I was very happy to see that they were full of lust. I would sit with different groups and by the time my shift was up, I was glad for it. My feet were aching and after I paid what I owed the club and the bar for my dance, I went home.

I sat on my bed, staring at the money I made with just one dance and Dave and a few other tips and I cried. It was a long, emotional day and after seeing over a grand in my hands, I knew that this was what I had to do to make it.

I laid in bed after tucking my money away in a safe I bought, because of what happened with my mom, and thought of everything that happened that day.

James had called me while I was at work and I wasn't able to answer, so I felt guilty about it, so I called him back, despite it being so late.

He didn't answer, but I figured he wouldn't since he just got home.

The next night I performed again and it was just as successful as the first night. Things, in that moment, seemed to be looking up for me.