Unapologetically Me

Chapter Forty Five

My mom was on her own two feet now, the withdrawals had finally subsided and she was eating normal food. She was also bustling around the house on her own without help.

She seemed almost normal now. And since she could mostly take care of herself, James and I took advantage and began leaving her at home to go out on our own.

It didn't even matter where we went. Some days, after work, we would just drive around aimlessly and listen to music with his hand on my thigh and a small smile on his lips.

Other days we would visit his family and I'd get lost in the controlled chaos for a little bit and feel completely relaxed.

It was like this for weeks leading up to James leaving and it was nice, but it didn't erase the fact that he would soon be gone and I'd be left by myself to deal with my mom.

For now, now that she could walk and take care of herself, it was fine. She didn't bother me as much and would mostly stay in her room and watch TV. But some days it was like she was itching for a fight and would find me and start pushing all of my buttons.

On those days, I'd walk out of the room and leave her cackling in my wake. It was hard and James usually played referee for those fights, telling my mom she was going too far and asking me to just retreat back to my room and stop arguing back.

On the day that led up to James' departure, I took off of work and spent every waking second with him as he packed his bags and it was dreadful.

With every article of clothing he put in his suitcase it sent a skittering of fear in my body. I didn't want to be alone. And every time he would pin me with his ocean eyes, I could see the pain in them. The dread. He didn't want to leave me either.

My mom, thankfully, left us alone that night, binging all of the Walking Dead because she discovered it gave her some sick pleasure to watch people eating eachother.

I laid in bed and watched him zip up his suitcase and then he laid next to me, placing his hands on his stomach and staring up at the ceiling.

"How are you feeling?" I asked him. Because I had to know if he was dreading leaving, like I was dreading it.

"Miserable. And scared and kind of excited, but not guilty because of it."

"You don't have to feel guilty. It's something you've wanted for a long time. I'm happy for you."

"I know. I'm just...I want you with me. We've spent every day together for what seems like ever, but at the same time it's not enough. I miss you already and I'm not even gone yet. You know?"

I nodded slowly because I felt the same way. I turned to him and wrapped my arm around him, laying my head on his shoulder.

"I miss you too. But I'll be fine."

"She seems okay. You could come." He suggested weakly. He closed his eyes and I knew that he knew it was futile.

"I'm sorry."

"I know. Last ditch effort. I had to say it to ease my own mind."

"It's okay. I've thought it too, but the guilt would eat me alive. I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything knowing I left her here to die."

"I know. That's why I haven't brought it up sooner. But just know, I will be thinking of you every second I'm there. Don't be surprised if I get kicked out of school for daydreaming of being here with you."

"It would be more like a nightmare to be here."

"Not if it's with you."

I smiled. "How corny of you."

He snorted and pinched my side. I moved my mouth down to his shoulder and bit him gently.

"Corny or not, it's the truth. I love you, Kelly, and I really don't want to leave you behind."

"I know, but it will be okay. You can call me every night and listen to me b*tch and moan about what's going on here. And you can bore me about all of your nerd sh*t."

"I'd rather just hear the moaning part I think."

"You would. I think we need to practice phone s*x right away. I'm going to miss you so much."

I rubbed my hand over his chest and moved it down to his crotch. He sucked in a breath as I grabbed him and closed his eyes.

"F*ck, Kelly. You can't do that. I'm going to miss you so f*cking bad."

"The s*x or me?"

"Both. But mostly you."

I moved my hand back up his chest. I patted it lightly and nodded.

"Me too. Promise me something?"

He nodded.

I pressed my lips together and sighed. I couldn't stop thinking about what it was going to be like up there without me. I couldn't help but think of the women. The smart women that didn't have mountains of issues like I did. He could easily find someone else and I could be left here thinking I still had him, only for him to be with someone else.

"Promise me that...If you find someone that you are attracted to or like in that way, that you won't cheat. That you'll call me and break up with me first, because I don't want to sitting her with a thumb up my ass waiting on you and you're with one of those gorgeous, stuck up, my daddy's money girl."

He swallowed hard and chuckled. "You think you're easily replaceable?"

I looked up in his eyes and then looked away. "If I were you, I would have run away from me screaming, a long time ago."

"I'm not you. I love you. That means something to me. I'm not saying that it will be easy, for either of us. I think that this will probably be one of the hardest things we have ever done, other than Lily, but I think that our love can take us there."

"I won't be with anyone else. You're the only one for me."

"And I won't be with anyone else. And I can promise you, that you're the only one for me."

I smiled up at him and took a deep breath. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to feel secure in knowing that he wouldn't do that to me. I was just afraid of losing the only person in my life that made any sense.

Somehow down the road of our relationship, I had made him my everything and I felt like it would kill me to lose him. It was killing me now, knowing we would have these moments all of the time.

"Will you come home for the holidays?"

"I'll try. It depends on school. But even if I don't, don't hide. Go to my parents house for Thanksgiving. Don't be alone, wallowing in your feelings. And I'll call you every chance I get."

"And you won't talk to pretty girls."

"Or even the ugly ones." I snorted and slapped his chest lightly. I snuggled into him and closed my eyes.

"Don't forget about me."

"Never."

***

My eyes teared up and my stomach churned as we sat in the car at the airport. My mom was at home and his mom insisted on driving us, but I wish we had come alone. I didn't want to look like a giant baby after he left in front of her.

James was getting his stuff out of the back and I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. Was it possible to get withdrawals from people?

When all of his stuff was on the sidewalk ready, he opened the back seat door and looked down at me with red eyes. His bottom lip trembled slightly and he took a deep breath.

"I love you." He whispered to me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek quickly.

"I love you too."

He wiped under my cheeks and took a shaky breath. "I'll call you when I get in. Keep your phone on you. And don't cry. I'll be back. I promise."

I nodded slowly and sat back. His mom was on the verge of tears too and I realized belatedly that she was letting go of her first child. He was the first one to leave and be far away and I kind of felt sh*tty for monopolizing his time away from her.

"Be good! And make good grades! And study! And no drugs! Only the good kind! And please for the love of God, call me too! Make good decisions! And it's okay to take time off. Don't overstress everything! And eat!"

James and I laughed as she continued and she bit her trembling bottom lip.

"I'm sorry. I love you. Have fun, baby!"

"Thanks mom. And I promise I'll call both of you."

He backed away from the car and gave me one last smiled before he shut the car door and began gathering his stuff.

Marlene drove away from the curb slowly and I looked at him from the back window, staring at his mom's car with a small frown and a wave.

I waved back slowly, my heart feeling like it took an emotional beating. I sat properly in my seat when I could no longer see him and covered my eyes with my hands. My chest hurt and it felt like I was saying goodbye to the only good part of my life.

But I was okay. I had to make myself believe that I was strong enough to do this because if I wasn't, then I'd lose him and I was tired of losing people.

Later that night while I was at work, my phone rang and I fumbled for it quickly, smiling when I saw the name flashing on the screen.

I answered it and felt my throat close up when I heard his voice.

"Hey baby," he said quietly.

"Hey, what are you doing?" I asked him. I put the phone on speaker and set it aside as a customer came up to the counter.

"I just got into bed. I got here and moved all of my crap into my dorm. My dorm mate still isn't here, so I'm guessing he will show up some time this week."

"That's good, right? You get the room to yourself for a little bit."

"Yeah. I'm exhausted. I walked around campus a little today, trying to figure out where all of my classes are going to be and everything. Orientation starts next week and then classes will begin soon."

I checked the person out and smiled at him as he went.

"Are there a lot of people moving in yet?"

"Yeah, the guy across the hall already has his girl coming in and everything. If I concentrate hard enough, I can hear her even in here."

I snorted and shook my head. "Wow. So have you noticed any pretty girls yet?"

"I'm not looking, remember?"

I rolled my eyes. "That's the right answer."

"Anyone hit in you today?"

"That's an everyday occurrence. You can't blame me for being beautiful." I fluttered my lashes even though I knew he couldn't see me.

He laughed. "I know. Just making sure you're not taking any of their numbers."

"Nope. My trashcan behind me is full of them."

"I don't know if that makes me feel good or jealous."

"Good, because I threw them out. Duh."

"Jealous because it's enough to fill up a trashcan."

"May have exaggerated on how many numbers I got."

"Alright, precisely, how many numbers?"

I glanced back at the trash can and cringed. "Maybe five."

"Jeez." He groaned. "Maybe I should have been more worried about you finding someone else."

"Yeah, not happening. I've already got the best."

"I'm keeping you to that."

I smiled and took a deep breath. "I miss you already."

"Me too."

,