Unapologetically Me

Sixty Seven

After lunch he took me back to my hotel room so I could unwind and relax before I'd have to go back to his apartment. He left me for the afternoon, needing to run some errands.

Which was more than fine for me. I was still reeling from seeing James and the looks on his face and the way he had said 'no' about me going to his wedding.

And his eyes. And how I couldn't even look at him without my heart hurting. And Sarah. How average she looked, but sweet. But something about her just didn't feel right and maybe I was biased, because she had taken him from under me, but I just didn't like her.

I laid down in bed and I did sleep for a few hours, thankfully. When I woke up, I showered and put my hair up in a bun then put on a pair of shorts and a plain blue t-shirt. When Liam knocked on my hotel door at six thirty, I felt my nerves flare.

My stomach kicked up butterflies at the prospect of actually talking everything out and I didn't know now how this evening was going to go, but I felt like my nap helped with getting my emotions locked up tight.

We got to his apartment and I looked around the spacious apartment. It was sleek and modern and screamed bachelor. There were absolutely no womanly touches to this place, but it seemed comfortable.

I sat down at his couch, still feeling a bit tired. I leaned against the arm and laid my head against it over my arms and watched Liam walk around his apartment in a pair of joggers and a plain white t-shirt.

It was the only time I let myself look at this guy and to be honest, he was good looking. Like really good looking. It irked me, knowing he and James both got ensnared by Sarah. It was an irrational feeling, but yet it was there.

"How are you feeling?"

He sat down on the couch, only inches away from me and I shrugged. "Tired."

"Yeah? Did you nap?"

"Yeah, but I think I'm more emotionally drained than anything."

"I talked to them earlier. Told them that if sh*t goes sideways, they have to leave."

I smirked. "Thanks."

"No thanks needed. I know how Sarah gets. She acts all nice about it, but she adds barbs to some of the sh*t she says."

I raise my eyebrows. "You and her don't match." I told him after a bout of silence.

"It was my parents who got us together in highschool. My dad was doing a deal with hers and they had her coming over almost every day after school. I guess you could say it was convenient. And after a bit, I did fall in love with her. But I could say the same for you and James. I mean, you're...leagues out of his league."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "I never thought so."

He snorts and nods, laying his arm on the back of the couch. "You're easily a ten. James is like a five at best."

I roll my eyes. "It wasn't about his looks for me."

"Then he's got a big d**k?"

I laughed and he just shrugged like he was actually serious.

"I don't know. I guess so, but it wasn't just s*x. I mean, don't get me wrong, the s*x was good, but it was just comfort. I was comfortable around him. He made me feel good."

Liam nods slowly. "I get it. I felt that way with Sarah."

I looked at him and stare at his face. He's got a chiseled jaw with a little bit of stubble and golden honey skin. When he turns to look at me, his olive eyes shine and he gives me one of his frequent smiles.

"What happened between you two?"

His smile faded and he groaned and he laid his head back on the couch. "I got an internship at my dad's job, because he believes I should work my way from the bottom. You get to learn everything starting from the bottom, so I was working my ass off getting coffees and fetching dry cleaning. I even took my dad's assistant's dog to the groomer."He smiled and shook his head.

"Anyways, I got so busy with work that I began neglecting her. And I admit, I was bad. It got to be too much for her and she ended it."

"Were you still in love with her?"

He took a deep breath but before he could answer there was a knock on the front door and then it opened.

"Knock, knock! I know we're late, but we went and picked up some food!" Sarah walked in with bags on her arms, followed by James, carrying more bags. My stomach clenched, but I didn't sit up. Liam didn't seem inclined to do so either.

We both just watched them come in. Sarah set the bags on the coffee table and looked down at us,her eyes bouncing from me to Liam and then eyeing the small space in between us.

"Hey guys! You look so somber! Perk up! We brought food. Dining room?" He points back and Liam pressed his lips together and shakes his head. I think I want to stay here. We're comfortable."

She gave a tight smile and settled herself on Liam's other side. James put his bags down next to hers and sat down on the recliner close to Sarah. They both began taking food out of the bags and dividing everything.

"James got you a coke and he said you liked burgers, so we picked some up."

I raised my eyebrows and sat up as they set my food in front of me and looked at James. His cheeks were pink, as if he didn't want me to know that they decided on food based on what I liked.

Liam elbowed me gently with a smirk and I rolled my eyes at him.

"Okay, so...I thought we could start this conversation by I guess setting some ground rules." I raised my eyebrows and looked at Sarah.

She had a wooden smile on her face as she raised her eyebrows at us all. "I figured that Liam and I could sit here and kind of mediate when needed while you two talk about, well, everything you came here to talk about, Kelly."

I nod slowly. "And if things start getting heated, we take a break. I want everything out there and nothing to be left unsaid, so that we can all move on." I raised my eyebrows at the pointed way she said it and glanced at Liam. He pressed his lips together but said nothing.

"So...Kelly. Where do you want to start?"

I took a deep breath, hating to be out on the spot like that. And I didn't feel very comfortable with both of them sitting there and staring at me. I could feel his eyes on me, and when I looked at him, he looked down at his food.

"Um..." My hands were shaking so I put them under my legs and shrugged. "I don't know where to start."

"Start with what you asked at the restaurant." Sarah said quietly.

I grit my teeth and sighed. "Okay, why? Why didn't you break up with me while you were there, or answer any of my calls or anything like that?"

I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked over at him. He rubbed his hands on his pants and chewed on his bottom lip.

"I didn't want to hurt you." He said slowly. "I...I didn't even think about breaking up with you at all on that break."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "And the calls?"

He swallowed hard. "Because I was scared. Like I said, I didn't want to hurt you. I loved you and I knew if I did it, you would be hurt."

I rolled my eyes. "So instead you start a relationship with Sarah and just act like I don't exist? How is that not hurtful?"

His jaw works and Sarah takes his hand. He holds in loosely in his and then shrugs. "I planned on answering. I would get your call and I wanted to answer, but I chickened out every time. By the time things started with Sarah, I just thought, figured, that you knew."

I lean back against the couch and feel Liam's arm behind me. He places his hand on my shoulder and gives me a light squeeze.

"And that's it? You were able to just drop everything we had that easily?"

"It wasn't easy. No one said it was easy, Kelly. I felt guilty as f*ck forever. I didn't feel right being with Sarah because I knew I left you hanging. But I was too far into my lie with Sarah that I just let it go. But trust me, it was f*cking hard."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "I could have handled it. Like I know my life was sh*t at the moment, but I would have rather you broken up with me over a f*cking call than get ghosted and not know what in the f*ck I did wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Kelly. It was me. It was all me. I f*cked up. I was still in love with you and I didn't know how to come to terms with ending it with everything we went through."

"When did you know you didn't want to be with me anymore?"

When he didn't say anything immediately I sat up and looked at him. He was staring at the carpet and handn't touched his food. No one had.

"I-I think it started when I slept with Sarah before Christmas break."

My heart stopped and even Liam sat up and looked at both of them. Sarah's face turned pink and I felt those stupid tears burn in the corners of my eyes.

"Wait, back the f*ck up.." Liam was glaring at them and Sarah looked down at her hands. "You slept with him before we broke up?"

"It was the night of that Christmas party. You left in the middle of it without telling me anything and we were drunk and...It just happened."

"s*x doesn't just happen, Sarah. Sticking your d**k inside of someone doesn't just happen."

Both James and Sarah's faces were pink and I clenched my fists. He cheated.

"You left! You didn't even say a word! You were so busy that you just left!"

"So that gives you every right to go and f*ck someone else? I apologized for that! You made me feel like sh*t over it up until the day you broke up with me."

Sarah began crying and I bit my lip to keep from laughing at how ridiculous all of this was. I was surprised, but I think in the back of my mind, I had already figured that. I never liked the sound of Sarah, even back then and now I know why.

"Maybe a small break?" I said quietly.

Liam shook his head and sat back. "Nah, I'm good. You can keep asking questions." He sat back and laid his head on the couch, closing his eyes.

"Okay, so...you stopped loving me when you slept with her?"

"No. I said that's when it started. And then I saw you on break again and I guess that was my last ditch effort. I waited until the last few days before I left because I knew you'd say no, but I really did want you to come be with me."

I roll my eyes and listen to Sarah sniffle. "What about when I called you about my mom?"

He sighed. "I wanted to call you. I was even packing my sh*t here to go for the funeral but I thought about it and figured it would be like the same cycle we had done for every f*cked up think that has happened to us."

"What do you mean?"

"The night your dad died, when we hung out, it kind of started our relationship in a bad way."

"You mean the night you took my virginity?" James' face pinkened and he nodded.

"Yeah. You started looking to me for comfort. And I was okay with it. But then with every other bad thing, I was there and you got to be too dependent on that. And I enabled it. I never let you process anything independently. And it was toxic."

I shook my head. "Okay, so my dad died, my mom started beating my ass, my mom went to jail, I found out I was pregnant, I lost the baby, and my mom came back and stole all my money and I was supposed to deal with all of that by myself?"

James took a deep breath and shook his head. "No, but you have to admit that you depended on me to pick you up after everything happened."

I pressed my lips together and nodded slowly. "I told you....I gave you an out after we found out my mom got sick. Before you came here. I told you to break up with me. I gave you an out."

"I know. But we were both dependent on eachother then, Kelly. Don't you see that? It wasn't just you. I needed you too. And that's the toxicity in it all

It wasn't a healthy relationship."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. "Look, it doesn't matter anymore. You're right. After my mom died, I dealt with it myself and I started to get over everything myself. And I did think of what you just said and it made me wonder if you ever really loved me or if I was just a burden."

"I did. F*ck, Kelly, I think I always will. Don't get me wrong, Sarah, I love you with all of my heart, but Kelly and I went through something together that I will always remember. Losing Lily. And I will always love you for helping me get through that. You were my first love, Kelly, and I know I was your first too. We're not going to forget each other and I'm sorry I made that hard for you. I was, am, a f*cking coward but it was all because I didn't want to hurt you."

I close my eyes and nod. I think that's as much as I can hear. It's everything I wanted to know. Atleast most of it and I sigh. I lean forward and take my food and unwrap it.

I begin eating and that seems to be when everyone else decides to start in on their own.

"For the record, Kelly, I'm sorry. I know that I was a catalyst for your relationship ending."

I flick my eyes up to Sarah and just nod. There's really nothing I can say. It's over. James and I are done, have been done for over a year and a half, and I feel...kind of empty. Not like sad or anything, but all of the anger I had been holding onto is out. Do I feel better about anything? I guess so. I got some answers. And I faced him.

And Liam got some information he didn't have before. So that's something too.

He turns to look at me with a small, sad smile and I bump my shoulder against his.

"Am I still banned from the wedding?"

Sarah snorts and James actually smiles.

"No. You can come."

I nod and smile. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." James looks up at me and I study his face and I'm okay.