Unapologetically Me

Chapter Fifty

James

I stared at her picture for a long time, feeling homesick as hell. I swallowed hard and set my phone aside, keeping the picture facing us as I started in on my twenty page essay I had to write about technology and innovation management.

I sighed deeply as I typed away and rubbed my eyes tiredly. I glanced at her photo every now and then to give me more motivation, but all it did was make me miss home more.

After writing the same s**t again, I quit and pushed my laptop aside and grabbed my phone. I pulled up her number and dialed her number.

It was a weekday, but I knew she'd be at work, so I hoped that she could answer my call. It rung a couple of times before she answered and just hearing her voice made me feel relaxed.

"Hello?"

"Hey, baby, what are you up to?"

"Work. Like usual. And you?"

"Just thinking about you."

"Aww. You're so sweet. What did you do today?"

"A ton of bullsh*t work."

"Ooh! Sounds like fun." I snorted and shook my head.

"And what did you do today?"

"Took my mom to an appointment for her stomach pain. She's hasn't been able to eat very well here lately, but it's just symptoms of her Cirrhosis."

"Damn. Is she okay?"

"Yeah, they gave her some more meds for the nausea and vomiting and some pain meds for her stomach. So, because she got pain pills, she's been popping them like crazy and completely high off her ass."

I sighed and shook my head. "Damn. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. As soon as they learn that she's misusing her drugs, they'll take her off of them and put her on something else. Or maybe I'll get lucky and they refer her to a rehab and I get a few weeks of peace."

"Do you think they will?"

She snorted. "I can't get that lucky."

I smile and shake my head. "Have you ever heard of manifestation?"

"Oh God, not you too. Kimmy and Hayley are so full of that sh*t, I'm sick and tired of hearing it." I laugh at how exasperated she sounds and she gives a small laugh back.

"Where did you hear about that?"

"I don't know. Videos?" I didn't want to bring up Sarah's name. I was slowly beginning to realize that every time I did, Kelly would get frustrated and hang up faster than usual.

"Well, maybe I should start listening. Maybe I should manifest big bucks to pay off all of these bills starting to pile on my counter."

"Hey, you never know, it might happen." She laughs and I close my eyes and listen to her beautiful voice.

"So, Thanksgiving is in a few weeks, what are you planning?" She asks me.

"I guess maybe some take out and burying my face in books to catch up on my giant pile of school work."

She groans. "I really wish you could come home. I miss you so much it sucks."

"I miss you too." I feel bad because I have a plan up my sleeve, but I don't want to let her in on it just yet.

"But, I guess it will be fine. I'll just work and get past it."

"You're going to work on Thanksgiving?"

"Yeah, it'll give me time and a half for all of the hours worked until midnight, so it won't be so bad. Plus all of the hours worked the night before will count too."

"That's good. Just don't over do it."

"I won't."

"I think you already are."

"Yeah, well unless I get paid to run errands and laze around the apartment, I kind of have to."

Guilt begins to build in my chest and I close my eyes. It's one of the hardest thing about being so far away. I can't help her shoulder all of the sh*t she has going on and while it's been a giant relief, I can't help shake the feeling that I'm wrong for feeling relieved.

I've talked to Liam and Sarah about it and both of them agree that I don't have to feel that way, but they also don't understand everything we have been through together. Mostly because I've kept it close to my chest. Thinking about my age and how everyone around me is mostly normal makes me feel kind of embarrassed by all of the stuff that have happened before I came here.

The worries of everyone here are mostly about school and relationships that it all seems superficial to me because I've faced bigger sh*t.

"I'm sorry. I wish I was there to help."

"It's okay. Don't worry about it. I promise, I'm getting it taken care of. It's just taking a bit longer than I want it to be."

"Yeah."

"Well, hey, let me let you go. I see a group of like eight people coming in and they look like trouble. I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Love you."

"Love you too, baby."

She hangs up and I take a deep breath. I stared at her picture on her contact and sigh.

I need a distraction. I can't do any more work tonight. I go to my text messages and see the last message I sent Sarah.

She sent me a picture of her finger nails painted in different colors, asking for an opinion on which one would fit best.

It was dumb, but Sarah was quirky like that. She was small and had brown hair and a pretty smile. She was energetic and always jumping on my back or Liam's. She and Liam have been together since freshman year of highschool and are still going strong.

J:Blue. I text her.

Dots appear right after I send it and I smile.

S:Liam says purple. But I liked the blue one too. Reminds me of your eyes.

I raised my eyebrows and shake my head. I admit that she is a little too close to me for being my friend, but Liam is always around and never says a thing to her about it, so I let it slide.

J:You should go with purple then.

I don't want to give her the wrong idea. I love Kelly. But as I sit here and text Sarah, I feel stupid f*cking butterflies waiting on her texts and I hate it. It makes me feel like I'm cheating, even though I would never do that to Kelly.

S:I did for my toes. My fingers are blue. You'll see tomorrow.

J:Couldn't decide?

S:No. You took too long to answer.

J:Sorry. Was working on a paper and talking to Kelly.

S:Oooh! Multitasker. How is she?

J:Same as usual.

S:Dang. Can I tell you something?

J:Sure.

S:She's lucky to have you. You're super supportive and an amazing boyfriend.

I smiled and shook my head.

J:Thank you, but I don't feel that way.

S:You are! I've been with Liam for years and while he's physically here, he's distant. Always on his damn phone and doing stuff for the internship at his dad's office. Such a workaholic and it's not even a paying job yet.

J: Every time I've been around, he's been pretty present.

S: You mean with his nose stuck in his phone?

J: Honestly haven't noticed it, but I'll start keeping an eye out.

S: I don't think he's ever really been present. Even when we were in highschool, he's been like this.

J: You love him?

S: Yes, but...I don't think I'm in love with him anymore.

I raised my eyebrows. I couldn't figure out what that meant. I loved Kelly and couldn't imagine my life without her. Even now, being this far away, I thought of her constantly.

J: So what are you going to do about it?

S: I don't know. I have tried to talk to him about it, but even when I try to have a serious conversation with him, he can't put his damn phone up.

Sh*t. I sighed, at a loss at what else I could say to her.

J: I'm sorry. Kelly and I are becoming more distant, but it's mostly because I'm here and she's over there.

S: She hasn't considered moving here?

J: Her mom is sick so she doesn't want to leave her. It's understandable.

S: Still sucks.

J: It does.

S: Do you want to have lunch tomorrow? Liam is going in early to the office and I really have nothing else to do.

J: Sure.

The next day at lunch, I smiled when Sarah waved with both hands and sit down across from me at her favorite bistro.

"Hey! Thanks for coming! I'm super behind of my paper, but I can't be stuck in my dorm for much longer. I'll die if boredom if I do.

I grin at her and nod. "Yeah, I know the feeling.

She smiles at me and it turns to a grin when they bring by our drinks. Her mouth pops open as they set her grape soda in front of her.

"You ordered for me?"

"Just your drink. It's the right one, right?"

"Yeah," A strange look passes her face and then she shakes her head and smiles. "I can't believe you remembered."

"You order it every time we're here. I figured it wouldn't change, unless I got it wrong?"

"No! You're right, it's just...Liam has never ordered for me. He doesn't pay attention like that."

I shrug it off and peruse the menu. I don't tell her that I also know she's going to order the turkey avocado sandwich with extra avocado.

She sips on her drink and bites her bottom lip. "Do you order for Kelly?"

I snort and nod. "Yeah. But we lived with eachother for a bit, so it would be hard to not remember what she likes."

Sarah frowned and stirred the ice in her drink around with her straw. Despite being cold as sh*t outside, she always ordered cold drinks.

"Can I ask you a weird question?"

"Sure." I shrugged and took a sip of the coffee I ordered.

"Do you find me attractive?"

I raise my eyebrows and take a deep breath. I don't know how to answer. Of course I think she's attractive, but saying out loud feels like a trap.

"Um...well yeah."

"So, let's say I was single and you were single, would you ask me out?"

"Hypothetically speaking, yes."

She beamed and twirled her ponytail with her fingers. "Just for the record, I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable. I know you have a girlfriend and I respect that. I just...sometimes I wonder if Liam still thinks I am. You know? I mean, I've seen pictures of Kelly and she's a bombshell, so it kind of made me wonder if...I don't know. If you were attracted to mere mortals like myself."

I laugh at her and roll my eyes. "Kelly is beautiful. But before I got with her, she wasn't my exact type. I mean, she's everyone's type, but she wasn't exactly what I looked for in a girl."

"I was about to say that you're a bullsh*t liar if she isn't your type." She laughed, picking my phone up and admiring the screensaver I have of Kelly on my phone. "So what was your type before her then?"

"Brunettes with brains."

Her eyes sparkle and I realize I kind of described her. I feel my face warm up and I swallowed hard.

"Kelly's smart, isn't she?"

I grimace and sigh. "She is..." I hedge.

She grins and shakes her head.

"All honesty, is she a ditz?"

I shake my head and sighed. "No. She's smart, just not dedicated to it. You know what I mean? She can do her school work and everything, but it doesn't interest her. She's more into dance and cheer."

"Ooh a jock?"

"Kind of."

"So along with a beautiful face, she's got a banging body?"

I blush again and nod. "Yeah. Honestly, she does."

"Is it more physical for you two then?"

I raise my eyebrows. "Umm...I'm not going to say no. But it's not all physical. I mean, I've told you about some of the stuff we've gone through."

"Yeah. Trauma bond. I think that's what it is." She winced and shakes her head. "Sorry. Disregard that. I...I don't mean to say everything I think, it just happens."

Trauma bond. I frown and take another sip of my coffee.

"You think so?"

"Well, losing her dad, then her mom going to jail and then hearing about her diagnosis, it just seems to me that she bonded with you through all of the trauma. You know?"

I swallow hard. I didn't tell her about the pregnancy and the miscarriage, but now thinking about it, I feel kind of like maybe she's right.

And then I start to feel guilty.