Unapologetically Me

Sixty

Within three months since my mom passed, I had her funeral fully paid off. Her headstone and everything. It was a lot of money. A lot, but the feeling I got in my chest, seeing that bill gone made it worth it. Made every single drop of sweat worth it.

After I finished that bill, I got to work on my mountain. It was still growing with the remaining if my mom's hospital bills coming in, but I didn't mind. It was a goal to finish them off. A purpose.

And so I began. I got myself an account to start getting my finances all together so I wouldn't pay out of my ass in taxes and continued working.

I danced, getting my routines perfected and adding new ones to the mix since I was now on stage three times a night. I had gotten exponentially better on the pole due to the pole dancing classes I took and was getting tipped so much more money because of it.

I worked the floor like nobody's business, plastering a flirty smile and talking out of my ass to horny old men and frat boys while I grinded in their laps.

The private gigs I did, I planned with Kimmy and Hayley and we made buckets of money from all of the bachelor parties, private business parties and even a baby shower or two.

My costumes became my identity because I couldn't think of being myself. Because being myself was being a shell. A broken nobody that laid in bed on off days and couldn't stop crying.

Day after day, week after week my mountain became smaller and smaller. And with each bill paid, I felt a sort of release. A relief so profound that I sat at my kitchen table and cried over it. It was ridiculous, but seeing how my whole life was pretty ridiculous at the moment, I just took it in stride.

And that's how I survived. I cut everything out except for work, food, just because I needed it and sleep. Lots and lots of sleep.

Every so often, Marlene would come check in on me and when she did, it broke me up inside. I don't know if it's because of the color of her eyes or the way she would wrap her arms around me, but I felt like every time she would stop by, I'd take a few days off and lay in bed. It felt like a set back for me, even though it always felt good when she wrapped her arms around me. Even though she'd look at me with sad eyes.

And most of those visits, we didn't even talk. She would just sit with me and hold my hand and stare at the TV until she had to go home. She would bring me over food she made for me and it would be the only home made meals that I would eat.

Everything else was just junk. TV dinners. Take out. Anything to make it easier to just lay around.

The anniversary of my dad's death came and went and October came. My mountain was probably only a hill now and everything else was paid. The ladies at work, despite it only being October, began talking about their Thanksgiving plans and just the mere mention of it made my skin crawl.

I thought back to the last two Thanksgivings, both being saved by the same boy that left me without a word.

He wouldn't save me this year. He hadn't even tried a text or a call, having completely cut me out of his life. I didn't know if Marlene came to check on me because she wanted to or because he asked her to, but I figured it was the former.

And I did think of him often. I thought of him on my dad's death day anniversary and I thought of him every time I'd open my bedside drawer and saw his old cologne that he never took with him. I thought about him every time I'd jump out of the shower and saw the twin tattoo that we got together to honor our daughter.

And somehow, even if I wasn't okay, it got easier to think of him and not feel super upset. Did it still hurt? F*ck yeah it did. Because he was the one who helped me through all of the sh*t that happened before. He was my anchor and without him, I felt like I was drifting.

But slowly, I began to realize that I was okay. Atleast without him. But with Thanksgiving approaching, I slowly started to feel like I was drifting again. So much that I found myself having anxiety attacks about spending it completely alone.

It wasn't until mid October that Kimmy gave me the idea of going on vacation for the holiday. And so...after a long debate with myself in the shower, I sat down in front of my laptop on began planning a holiday getaway for myself. Just me.

It kind of derailed my paying off my mountain, but after I made the decision, the anxiety attacks went away. And I was able to concentrate on my mountain once again.

A few days before Thanksgiving, I packed my bags and sat on the edge of my bed and stared down at my feet. I was going to the Bahamas, by myself and while I felt good that I was going away, I was scared.

It had been such a long time since I've done anything for myself. I hardly knew what it felt like these days and knowing I had my mountain on my counter, still waiting for me, made me feel selfish.

But I went anyways. I went to the airport and I got on my plane and when I landed and got to my resort, I cried.

I spent the next week laying on the beach, tanning, swimming, and taking surfing lessons. I got call after call, on Thanksgiving day, from Marlene. And when I finally answered her and told her I wasn't in town, she stopped calling.

On my last day on my vacation, I went para sailing. It was scary, but I soon realized that the adrenaline rush of flying through the air with nothing beneath me made me feel alive. It made me feel like nothing I've felt before. And when it was over and my feet were back on the ground, I knew that I wanted to continue to chase that feeling again.

At the gift shop, I found a cute little teddy bear that had a parasail and I bought it to remind me of the one moment in so long that made me feel that way.

Back home, I felt rejuvenated. I got back to work immediately, tan and beautiful from my vacation and decided that this is what I would do for Christmas. I would take another vacation for myself and feel alive.

And so I worked on my mountain and on my birthday, a week before Christmas, I finished my mountain.

I sat at the kitchen table, with the last medical bill from my mom and stared at it. It was her last treatment she did and after it was paid, I felt like a boulder was off of my shoulders. I felt like I could breathe.

But...I also felt this overwhelming depression take over me. I was done with my mountain, so what would I do next?

Instesd of throwing that bill in the trash like all the rest, I tucked it into my nightstand where I kept my parasailing bear and shut it and then sat on the edge of my bed.

With nothing else to work for, I felt like I was at a loss. I worked my ass off to pay off all of my debt and now...nothing. I had nothing.

To take myself out of my fog, I went for a drive. I hadn't been on a drive since the last time James and I took one and while in the beginning, it seemed like a good idea, as I drove around my old neighborhood, I felt my heart ache.

I drove by myself, listening to music and thought about him. I thought about how relaxing it had been to do this with him. I thought about how he had taken me on a drive after my dad died and how it helped me escape my family in the giant house I just passed by.

It took everything in me to keep driving when I got into his neighborhood. I passed by his house, every light turned on, looking warm and inviting. Marlene had Christmas lights flashing red and green on the roof and wrapped around the tree in the front yard.

I went a few blocks away and continued driving until I couldn't anymore. I pulled to the side of the road in front of a dark house and laid my head on the steering wheel.

I took a few breaths. Just a few. That's what I kept telling myself. I just needed to breathe so that I could get back to driving and go back home to my apartment.

I took a lot longer than a few breaths. I looked up with tears in my eyes at the house that I sat next to and peered at it.

It was beautiful, located in the middle of a cul-de-sac. It had a cute little white fence and a bright blue front door. The exterior was greyish white brick. There was a flower bed in front of one of the windows and I smiled.

It was pretty. It was something I would have wanted if I had my little girl. Something small, but not too small.

On the front lawn there was a for sale sign and I stared at it for the longest time. I wrote down the number for it as quickly as I could and took a picture of it, just for good measure.

I didn't know what it was about the house, but it called to me. And on my drive back home, it's all I could think about. The other thoughts were left behind, put on the back burner because I realized as I stared to the picture I took, that I found my next goal.

I found something worth doing and I didn't want it to slip through my fingers. Maybe it was a coincidence that I found it on my birthday after I paid my last bill, but I just thought it was a sign from my parents, telling me it was time to move on.