Unapologetically Me

Chapter:Twenty One

Dance was the only thing getting me through. I worked my a*s off for the next few weeks, getting the routines down and traveling to our first meet in Texas. The hardest part of the meet was not having my dad cheering me on in the stands.

He had always been so supportive of anything I did. He would practice cheer routines and perform them in the stands while he watched me proudly. He loved football, but he always made the games just for me. On dance competitions he made sure to take the two full days off, even if he had important meetings, and would cheer me on in everything.

Another thing that sucked was the nerves that I would get before a meet. I guess with my dad being absent, my anxiety had kicked up and I found myself vomiting right before the meet.

Even in practices. I would be good one second and then all of a sudden I felt my whole body begin trying to dispel any single parcel of food I had tried to digest. Despite telling him we would remain friends, I avoided any and all contact with James.

It was hard enough seeing him give me small polite smiles in the hallways, but having him try to talk to me in class felt like torture. It had become awkward to try to have a single conversation with him. I would always picture him and Pink Streak kissing and it would turn me off immediately. And my stupid butterflies didn't understand that he wasn't available anymore. So with those damn polite smiles I'd get those stupid flutters and it was pointless.

I had gone to visit my mom and regretted it instantly. She was stone cold sober and still treated me like s**t. She accused me of stealing all of her money and that I had secretly planned to get her thrown in jail. Like I could force her to hit a cop with a f*cking bat.

My uncle had been there for that and after witnessing the verbal abuse she hurled at me, told me to go wait out in the waiting room for him. He had checked in on me twice since they left me alone and both times told me he was proud of what a responsible young lady I was turning out to be.

It had really made me feel good. But any good feelings were always momentary. After the day with James I had kind of just stayed home more often than not, even when Chloe begged me to go out with her. I just didn't feel like going to parties and bumping into James with his new girlfriend.

It was sickening to witness them in the hallways holding hands and acting all lovey dovey.

I was in the middle of practice trying and failing to nail my steps for our newest routine for our next meet and Coach Andrews was started to get irritated. I felt extremely nauseous and was trying my hardest to concentrate, but I could feel it creeping up. I bolted as soon as the song stopped and Coach Stevens yelled at me to stop but I couldn't. I didn't even make it to the toilet before I barfed everything up.

Behind me I could hear the bathroom door open and I knew I was going to get reamed by one of the coaches.

I wiped my mouth, still feeling the nausea and glanced back at Coach Andrews. Her severe eyebrows were raised and her thin lips puckered in anger.

"Kelly, this is the fifth time in two weeks that you've been sick. What's going on?"

"I think it's just anxiety."

"Are you sure you're not pregnant?"

I stared up at her and felt my heart clench. I hadn't thought of that at all.

"I don't...I don't think so?"

"Well, Kelly, I'm going to have to bench you until you can prove that that's not the reason You're getting sick. I can't have you out on the floor like this."

I swallowed hard and felt my eyes sting. "So I can't practice?"

"Not until you bring me proof of a negative test."

Dread filled me and I took a few deep breaths. Her eyes softened. "Go home, set an appointment and get checked. Until then, you're done."

***

I sat and stared at the three pee sticks I had gotten from the pharmacy on my way home and sat against the bathtub in my bathroom. I rubbed my hands over my face and picked up the small box they came in. A plus sign was positive.

I looked at the three plus signs on the vanity and closed my eyes. I layed my head back against the tub and took large gulping breaths to calm myself down. My body shook with sobs and I threw the box across the bathroom.

What the f*ck!? Why was everything happening at once? Things had finally begun to feel stable. I was doing okay. I was paid up on bills. I had food in the house. I was killing it in dance, until now. Even my grades were starting to come up since I spent all of my free time at home with nothing to do.

I felt so low. Thoughts began to crawl into my brain that were never there before. Horrible, painful thought of just being done with everything. Of just leaving everything behind.

I laid in the bathroom for the rest of the evening until I felt like I just needed someone to talk to. The only person I could think of was Chloe. Her parents didn't usually let her out on weeknights, but I needed her. Maybe she could talk me down.

I called her and she answered immediately. "Hey! What the hell happened at practice?"

"Can you come over?" My voice was hoarse from crying and I could hear the huskiness in my voice as well.

"What happened? Kelly, are you okay? Tell me you're okay."

"Please, Chloe. I'm begging you. Can you please just come over?"

"Okay. I'll tell them I'm going to get some papers I'm missing or something. I'll be there. Just..please Kelly, tell me you're okay."

"I'm not." I told her quietly. "I'm not okay at all."

"Okay. Okay . I'm on my way. Don't do anything stupid."

I could hear the panic in her voice and I felt guilty for putting it there, but it felt that serious to me. I needed the voice of reason. I needed someone to tell me that I was going to be okay. Because I didn't believe it.

We hung up after she assured me she was in her car and I waited for her to get here. I wiped at my dry eyes and stared at the ceiling, wondering what the hell I was going to do.

When she got here, she called for me until she found me in my bathroom. She clicked on the bathroom light and I squinted up at her and she looked down at me with concern.

Her eyes looked over me and she kneeled next to me, scrunching her nose at the smell of vomit in the toilet. She flushed it quickly and took my face in her hands.

"What wrong?"

I closed my eyes and felt everything come back in full force. I wrapped my arms around her and she held me tightly, rubbing my back. I sobbed into her shoulder until I felt her shoulders begin to shake and then I pulled away.

Tears were streaming down her face and I began laughing. She looked at me like I was crazy as she wiped her eyes and after a bit joined me in my laughter.

"What are we doing?" She asked "What happened?"

I took a deep breath and pointed up at the vanity. She peered up there and gasped as she grabbed All three of the pee sticks. I watched it dawn on her and her eyes closed.

"F*ck Kelly. What the f*ck did you do?"

"I know." I rubbed my hands over my face and she groaned and sat down next to me by the tub. She leaned against it and we both stared down at the positive pregnancy tests.

"D-Does your mom know?" I had never told her what happened with my mom because I was embarrassed and now I shook my head.

"I can't."

"You can. Kelly, you should. Maybe she'll know what to do."

"I can't." I repeated. And then I told her everything. I told her every single detail of the sh*t show my life had become.

When I was through telling her, she just stared down at the tests again and chewed on her lip.

"Yeah, you should tell him."

I hadn't even brought up James as being the father, but it was painfully obvious he was the only choice.

"I don't want to. I don't...I don't plan on keeping it. I just...I need to figure out what to do and keep it a secret until my birthday, so that my uncle doesn't try to yank me to California."

"Don't you think you'll be too far into the pregnancy if you wait until your birthday? I mean, how many times were unprotected? We can try to narrow down how far along you might be."

"The first time was in September I think. And then the second time was early October."

"Both unprotected?"

"He pulled out the second time."

"Damn it Kelly. Even that was pretty stupid."

"I know. You think I haven't been sitting here thinking of how stupid I've been? I just kept repeating each time over in my head and thinking about how dumb I was for not even thinking about a condom or even birth control.

"Well, if it was in September, then you'll be in your third month. If it was October, then two months?"

"Yeah. I don't know."

"Maybe you should make an appointment just to talk about your options. I can see about trying to go with you."

I leaned against her and we held hands and sat in the bathroom contemplating my options. Having her here really helped even though I knew she would have to leave eventually.

We solved nothing that night, but she did make me feel better, if only for a second.

The next day I tried to focus on classes and doubly avoided James. It wasn't hard when I had already been doing it for two weeks, but even when he smiled at me, I turned away without a smile back.

During class he tried again and I studiously ignored him. I couldn't let him in. If he found out, there was no telling what he would want to do with the information.

During class I got a text from him asking me what was wrong.

I ignored it and proceeded to block his number. After he realized I had blocked him he turned around during Danforth's lecture with his eyebrows furrowed. I continued to ignore him and he only turned away when Ms. Danforth called his name and told him to pay attention.

After class he followed me to my lockerz but before he could say a word to me, Pink Streak came out of nowhere and hugged him. He continued to try to get near me by removing her from his arms but I was able to move quickly in to my next class.

It went like that for the rest of the week. On Friday he even went as far as waiting by my car for me. Instead of getting in through the driver's side, I slipped in through the passenger side to avoid him and locked the doors.

"What did I do?" he called through the glass as I started the Range Rover up. I glanced at him once. He looked mad. Well, so was I. I motioned for him to step back and once he did I drove home.

At home I was finally able to relax. I had set myself an appointment and was due to go to it on Wednesday. I still wasn't happy, but having a plan set made me feel better. I was in the middle of heating up a corn dog when there was a knock on the front door.

I went still and walked silently to the front door to see through the peephole. James stood in the door looking p*ssed and I I backed away. He knocked again and I ran upstairs quietly to keep myself from opening the door.

He left after half an hour of knocking. By that time my corn dog was cold, so I had to re heat it again.

I could hardly eat anything without throwing it up. I tried to eat because I was hungry, but then as soon as I did, my stomach would revolt and I was back at square one. And no one ever said anything about sore boobs.

My chest hurt even with the thinnest bra possible. I didn't need to wear a bra, but I felt more comfortable in public with one on. I laid in bed after I was able to eat half of my corn dog and watched TV.

Chloe came by later and we stayed up as late as I could, which wasn't late at all, watching reality TV. I was always tired now too. I had been fatigued even when I was doing dance, but I chalked up the fatigue to being left in a giant house by myself and getting hardly any comfortable sleep.

The rest of the weekend went by uneventfully and when Monday rolled around I didn't expect to be bombarded early in the morning by Pink Streak and Art Blonde. They both cornered me at my locker and stood in front of me so I wouldn't pass. I peered down the hall and saw James watching with his eyebrows furrowed.

"Hi." I raised my eyebrows at them and Pink Streak frowned.

"Why did you block James?"

I pressed my lips together and sighed. "I have to get to class. Can you move please?"

I tried pushing past them but Pink Streak put her hand on my arm. I stared down at it and then up at her face.

"Just tell us and we will let you go."

"I don't have to tell you anything. You can get your hand off of me now or I'll make sure it never happens again." I set my jaw and glared down at her.

Pink Streak swallowed hard and she backed up. James came up from behind them and looked at us. "What's going on?"

"You need to tell your girlfriend to keep her nose out of my business." I snapped. I shut my locker and pushed past all of them.

Again during Danforth's class, James tried to get my attention and finally sent me a note.

'Don't know what I did wrong, but I'm sorry about what happened with Lara. I don't know why she did that.'

There was a small drawing of an anime character that looked like him with a broken heart peeking out of his chest.

I felt guilty not telling him, but it was better if he didn't know.

I folded the note up and wrote a small note of my own.

'Its okay.'

I passed it to him and when he read it he sighed and tucked it in his pocket.

'Will you talk to me, please?'

'Nothing to talk about.'

'What did I do?'

'Nothing. It's just easier this way.'

'Make it make sense for me.'

'I can't. Just leave it alone.'

'Not until you tell me why you blocked me.'

I sighed and rolled my eyes.

'Because I miss you like crazy. Because I can't stop thinking about you. Because you have a girlfriend and it's making me so f*cking jealous. Because I need to let you go. That's why.'

He read the note and pressed his lips together.

'I miss you too.'

I crinkled the note and put it in my book bag. He watched me with a soft expression and I could see that he was finally going to leave me alone. He got his answer.