Unapologetically Me

Chapter Fifty Six

It was a long three weeks of waiting for James to come home but as soon as I saw him at the airport, my heart stuttered and my eyes teared up.

I ran to him and felt like those silly romance movies, but I couldn't care less about what anyone thought of our public display of affection.

He caught me and held me tightly to his body and everything felt so right again. I had a rough three weeks starting with a man groping me and sticking his hands down my panties and touching me before Paulo was able to get him and throw him out.

I cried so hard that night, feeling completely dirty and disgusting. I felt like I cheated on James somehow, even though I knew it wasn't my fault. But I pushed past it because the money I was making from dancing now was a f*ck ton more than I was making just serving drinks.

I was asked if I could dance more days out of the week, but since I knew James was coming home for Christmas, I opted out and told Kade I would start after the holidays.

I also asked for the next three weekends off because I couldn't let James find out that I was dancing. I thought I would get fired for asking, but Kade told me that it was fine and wished me a Merry Christmas.

I had made enough these last few weekends that I didn't have to go in, so I was okay with missing them. Although I would have probably made enough to finally pay down some of my mom's medical bills which were climbing steadily.

She had an episode where she had to be hospitalized for a few days. It was the scariest moment when I found her unconscious in her bathroom one night after work.

After getting her blood drawn and doing multiple tests they found that she had overdosed on one of her medications accidentally. So now I had some pill caps that told her what time she was supposed to take them and how often.

It was enough to make me fear the thought of being alone, so seeing James was a giant relief.

We got his travel case and I drove him straight to his mom's house, who was having a big welcome home dinner.

My mom was already there and it felt almost like Thanksgiving withe everyone talking and having fun.

James was all smiles, his eyes always coming back to me no matter who he was talking to or how long.

He would smile at me and send my heart fluttering and when we got home that night and I got my mom on her correct medications, we went to our bedroom and just relaxed.

He was tired from his flight, fighting the jet las as much as he could and I felt bad, so I didn't push for s*x. But I was just glad he was home.

We laid in bed and I snuggle into his chest and felt like I was finally home. I know, it sounds stupid, but usually I have issues with sleeping unless I'm exhausted from work. Sleeping with James came easy. Smelling his cinnamon cologne scent calmed me down and I fell asleep quickly.

We spent the next few days Christmas shopping for our families and took some time to just chill out. I quit my job at the convenience store, but I told him that I asked for vacation time. He didn't question me further, which I was glad for.

And ofcourse endless s*x. As soon as he got over the little bit of jet lag he had, he was all over me and it was bliss.

We spent every minute of every hour together and having him home just made everything better.

When Christmas came around, I was able to get him a smart watch that way he could see my messages wherever he was. It was the only expensive gift I got, but I was happy to get it for him.

We spent Christmas morning at his parent's house, opening gifts all morning. I sat in between his legs and watched all of the little kids open the gifts they received from their parents, James and Santa. I felt bad for not being able to get the older ones a gift, but I knew they understood.

James got me a heart pendant necklace and a cute winter coat.I got my mom a pajama set and slippers that matched the set I got his mom.

It was nice and made me feel warm to spend Christmas with his whole family. Afterwards, we ate a giant spread that his mom had catered because she didn't want to cook for Christmas and afterwards I took my mom home and we hung out at the apartment.

The days passed by so quickly after that that it felt kind of like a rip off. We didn't spend a day apart, but with him going home after New Years, I felt like it wasn't enough.

At midnight of the New Year, we kissed and the look in his eyes told me just how much he loved me. We spent it alone out in the desert, laying on the hood of his car, listening to music and it felt absurdly normal.

It was a feeling I hadn't felt in so long that I wanted it to last. I wanted to feel this feeling every day, and I knew that when James left, he would take that feeling with him.

So I took pictures. Tons of pictures of us celebrating in the most mundane way possible. We kissed and we cuddled and before he took us back to the apartment we f****d on the hood of his car. I rode him naked, with the cold of the night puckering my n*pples and watching every breath puff out of us. It was cold but it felt so romantic in a way.

On our way home, James was silent. He stared out of the windshield with a solemn expression and I had a feeling that it was because he had to leave the next day.

"What's on your mind?"

He swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "I want you to come with me."

I raised my eyebrows at him and pressed my lips together.

"Where?"

"Back to Massachusetts. I know it's last minute, but I can get my flight changed and we can pack all of your stuff tonight. Just....come with me."

My heart stopped in my chest and I felt kind of ambushed. Everything in my heart was telling me to do it. To just say yes. To go with him so that we could be together and live a normal life. Without the dancing. Without my sick mother and wondering if I was ever going to be able to pay off the mountains of bills sitting on my kitchen counter.

I wanted to say yes because I wanted to be with him. But...it was because of those bills and because of my mother that I knew I couldn't. I sat in the passenger seat of his car and stared down at my hands. It was an impossible decision. And I didn't know why, but it felt monumental. It felt like if I didn't say yes, something was going to happen. What it was, I didn't know, but my stomach hurt and my eyes teared up.

"You know I can't."

"Why not?"

I stared at him for a long time wondering what he meant by that. He knew what I had here. He knew that I was taking care of my mom and paying for every single thing I owned and had.

"You know why."

"No. I don't. I know you don't have to take care of a grown ass woman. She's an adult, Kelly. And you're letting her get her way with you doing everything."

I know a part of him is right, and had it been this summer I would have agreed. But all I could think about was how I found my mother laying in her bathroom and how scared I was that I lost her. It didn't matter that we didn't get alone. She was still my mom. My last remaining parent.

"She's sick."

"And there are places that can take care of her."

I grit my teeth. I didn't want to argue with him. Not on the last night he was here. But by the set in his jaw, I knew he wasn't going to stop until I gave him a concrete answer.

"I don't have the type of money for those places, James."

"We can figure something out, Kelly. We can both get jobs and pay for the place. Just come with me. Be with me. I'm.. I f*cking hate being away from you. It's bad. I hate not having you near. I hate not seeing your beautiful face every day or hearing your voice every morning when I wake up. I love you. And I want you to come live with me."

I chewed on the inside of my cheek and glared at the floorboard.

If I left and my mom died while I was away, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I was her only family that actually cared and I couldn't just abandon her, even if she abandoned me.

"I can't." I swallowed hard and watched his face. It didn't change. He had known my answer before he had even asked the question and I hated it. I hated that I couldn't give him what he needed.

"I know." He finally said as we reached the city.

"I love you. I'm sorry."

He smiled then and shook his head. "I knew it was a long shot, but I thought I'd try."

He said it like it was nothing, but I could see he was bothered. I felt guilty for saying no, but I had to be there for my mom.

"Are you mad?"

"No. I'm sorry. I know I came on a little too strong, but I'm not mad. I love you too."

And although he reassured me that he was okay, I knew he wasn't.