Unapologetically Me

Fifty Seven

I dropped James off at the airport the next morning and although he kept saying he was okay, I could see that he wasn't.

Our drive to the airport was quiet and it made me nervous. I knew he was still upset about my refusal to leave with him and I felt bad about it too. I just couldn't abandon my mom. It sucked.

Once there, I cried a little and he just hugged me tightly from the passenger seat and pulled away, his beautiful blue eyes shining with unshed tears. He pressed his lips to mine and I felt his tongue smooth over mine, the kiss hard and passionate.

When he pulled away, he pushed a stray hair out of my face and studied my face for a long time. Horns honked behind me but I let him.

"Call me." I whispered to him.

"Yeah." He said. He grabbed all his stuff and left without a backwards glance.

I didn't expect a call that first night. I figured he would be tired after his flight. But when he didn't call me the next night and then the night after that, I got nervous.

So I tried calling. Every call I made that third day rang all of the way through. And every text I sent him went unread.

A week passed since he left, without a word and I could feel my heart break a little bit. But I took it because I knew he was just upset about me not coming home with him.

After the second week, I began to feel a bit pathetic. But I persisted.

All the while, I worked at the club. Every single day, I worked my ass off getting money left and right. But it was hard. My heart wasn't in it. I smiled and I did everything I was supposed to but I couldn't get into the feeling.

Two weeks turned into a month and after a month, I drew the line. I stopped calling. I stopped texting and I just did everything that I was supposed to.

I didn't tell anyone either. Even when they asked about him, I would make up lies and say that he was doing well. That he just passed a hard exam. That he missed me terribly, just like I missed him.

And at night, when I would get home, I'd give myself a few minutes to cry it all out, look at all of the pictures we took over the break and beyond that, when things were just fine with us.

But when I would think about it that way, it made me wonder if it ever was just fine or if my mind was playing tricks on me and telling me it was.

I also wondered why he couldn't just answer my calls and tell me. Why he couldn't have talked to me before he left or when he got back or anything.

And I wondered how long he felt like things were wrong. I wondered if he had ever given me any signs and I ignored them. And it made me think back through all of our conversations and everything to see if I noticed any differences.

And then I would think about this last Christmas break and how he smiled and laughed and joked around. He was normal. He kissed me, we f*cked half a million times and I had no indication that he was done with me. Even that last kiss.

Especially that last kiss. But then I wondered if he knew that would be our last kiss and I'd have to put myself in a headspace where I couldn't care because it hurt so badly.

I felt like I was missing a limb. I felt like I couldn't breathe. On Valentine's Day, for some stupid reason, I got my hopes up and wonders if he would send something. Even if it was one stupid text or a call. I felt desperate.

And when nothing happened, I retreated to the back of my head and just kept dancing. I kept paying the mountainous piles of bills that continued to build up on the counter and kept working my ass off. It got to the point where if my mom didn't have any appointments, I'd go to the club's private gym and worked out. I took more pole dancing classes. I spent time with Kimmy and Hayley, even if I really didn't want to. All because I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts.

When Spring Break approached, I decided I was done. I needed answers, so I got myself an expensive ass plan ticket to Massachusetts to end this torture.

I was going to confront him and make it so that I could finally rest my damn mind.

When I got to Massachusetts, I got a ride to a cheap motel and then went directly to the school. I didn't even know the first place to search, but I knew I needed to see him. I needed to know why he ghosted me. After everything we went through together, it couldn't just be over like that.

And yes, I was mad. I was pissed to the point that when I stormed into the building he told me he lived at, I got stares. I asked people milling around if they knew him and had them direct me to a common area on the second floor of the building where I waited.

I waited with people milling around, watching me. I had a few guys approach me and ask me what I needed and all I could tell them was that I needed to see someone.

And it took hours. I didn't even know if he was here. For all I knew, he went home and I wasted a whole bunch of money on nothing.

But I stayed and waited anyways, just in case.

And when he got there, a guy that approached me pointed him out to me and I stood up.

There were quite a few people around, so I knew that he wouldn't see me right away. And after I finally saw him, I was glad for it. Because he was smiling. He was smiling and laughing and looking down at a small brunette with sparkles in his eyes, holding her hand.

She looked up at him like he hung the moon and I knew then. I knew right then and there what I was seeing and why he had never answered my calls or texts. He found someone else.

And when they kissed, right there, in the middle of the room with everyone watching, I couldn't do it. I couldn't walk up to him and tell him off. I couldn't find the strength to do it.

I watched them walk towards the rooms and my heart broke. I deflated in my seat, all of the fight in me gone.

I don't know how long I sat in there after that. I just know that when I finally got up, I was resolved. I was going to go home and leave him behind, just like he left me.

I stay in the motel room I rented for two nights. While I'm there, I let myself feel everything. Everything from the day he left me to today. I see him kissing her in my head and it doesn't stop hurting. The happy look on his face as he looked down at her and the way she gazed up at him made me feel nauseous and I ugly cried for hours.

After my second night at the motel, I went home and left all of my emotions behind as well. I got home and got right back to work.

My mom asked me how it went, and out of everyone, I think she was the only one that suspected what might have happened in between James and I. When I smiled at her and told her it was good, she gave me a sad smile and told me that it was a good thing I had him.

My heart was crushed, but I felt like I put on a good face. I put my all into my routines and was getting more money than ever. I flirted and laughed at stupid jokes and then I began getting hired for private parties where, even when the security was right there, the men were handsy.

It made plenty of money and my mountain was getting smaller, but all of our monthly bills kept me from getting rid of everything completely. Not only that, but paying in on my taxes was a real b*tch and put me back because I was supposed to be doing certain things since I started that I didn't.

But it was okay. Everything was okay. I was alive, my mom was doing okay still, maybe not the best but she still had some time. The paperwork of it all and everything made it possible for me to not have to think of how badly I was shattered on the inside.

And about how much I hated everything in my life.