Unapologetically Me

Chapter Twenty Four

I set the appointment but the only availabilities they had were for after the following Tuesday, which meant I was going to have to cut class again. At this rate, it wasnt looking good for me with my uncle.

I was still nervous as hell but with James in the know now I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. I still didn't want him to come to the appointment but I at least told him about it. He still seems kind of on the fence about it but it was for the best.

Chloe was relieved when I told her about the appointment and about James finding out. I knew she had been stressed about it for me, but it was my business to take care of. James came by every day since he found and helped me with mundane chores like laundry.

He felt like even though I was going to abort, that I should still be careful. At school on Monday he even joined me for lunch. It was a quiet affair since he had brought Pink Streak along. She did most of the chatting. She was still sour about her confrontation with me, but I pretended not to care.

But James made sure with pointed looks that I tried to eat some lunch and would stare at me when Pink Streak went on a rant about the difference between royal purple highlights and neon yellow. It was the most boring lunch I had ever had. And at the end, her and James kissed and I walked away because I didn't want to be around that.

In Danforth's class she swamped me with homework for missing those classes I had missed the week before Thanksgiving and James offered to help me, even though I knew he wouldn't want to be around me after Tuesday.

After school he made some excuses to Pink Streak so he could come over and we sat at the kitchen island and he helped me with some of Danforth's homework. "So are you going to let me come tomorrow?"

"I already told you, no. I'll text you after and then you can stop stressing over me."

"I'm not stressing over you, I just want to make sure you're okay."

"I know. I am."

"And you're sure you want to do it?"

"James... stop. This is the exact reason you can't go."

"I'm just...I know. I'm sorry. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it."

"I know."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did."

"Alright, smarta*s. But really, have you given any thought about keeping it."

"Yes. I have gone through everything. I know that I the situation I'm in right now, it would be a nightmare and a half to even think of adding another mouth to feed."

"I would help. You wouldn't be alone."

"And what about school?"

"What about it?"

"The baby just wouldn't be here until you go off to college. It's a lifetime gig."

"I know." He ran his hands though his hair. "But if I needed to settle for staying here for school, then I'd do it for you and the kid."

"Yeah, see? That's exactly why I need to do it. You'd be giving something up that you've wanted for a long time."

"Yeah, it's called a sacrifice. I would make that type of sacrifice for my family."

"And this way, you won't have to."

"Yeah." He rubbed his face and looked down at his own homework. "I guess."

I placed my hand over his and he glanced up. I sighed and he nodded slowly. "I'm sorry. Can we talk about something else?"

"Sure. What highlights would look best in my hair? Royal purple or neon yellow?" I grinned and swatted his arm.

"Is she always like that?"

"Yes."

"I don't know how you deal with it."

"She's gotten worse about it. It's like she doesn't know what a comfortable silence is."

I snorted and took a sip of my soda. He looked up and pressed his lips together.

"What?" I asked him.

"You shouldn't be drinking too much caffeine. It's not good for the baby."

"Fetus. And it won't matter after tomorrow."

But I slid the soda over to him and he drank the rest and threw it in the trash.

"So, is she the one?"

"The one? Like endgame?"

"Yeah."

He snorted and shook his head. "No."

"So why are you with her?"

"I guess pass the time."

"Without sex."

"I told you that in confidence."

"No one else is here. I'm just saying, if she's just to pass the time, you should probably move on. She might think you're her engame. You know what I mean?"

"Yeah." He rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. "I actually thought about doing it today, I just don't know how to do it."

I raised my eyebrows and he shrugged. "I have no idea. I've never broken up with anyone before."

"Me neither. It's usually them breaking up with me. I actually think I prefer it that way. Then I don't have to hurt anyone's feelings."

"Always the sweetheart." He fluttered his eyelashes and tilted his head.

"Yeah. I am."

"You know what you could do tomorrow?"

"What?" he asked warily. "You can break up with Pink Streak to get your mind off of the other thing."

"Oh so concentrate on a different bad thing. Got it. You're a genius." He rolled his eyes and shook his head, tapping his pencil down on his paper.

The next day instead of going to school I slept in and only got up and got dressed when Chloe called me when she was in her way. We both sat quietly in her car on our way to the clinic and my stomach was jumbled with nerves. I was kind of freaking out a little.

Last night I had a dream that wouldn't leave my head. It was of James and I chasing after a cute, dark haired little boy. My mom was there, sober, and his parents were there. It was almost perfect. And it was dumb. The dumbest dream I had ever had because I knew it could never happen.

We walked into the clinic and I checked in. Chloe held my hand as we waited for them to call me to the back and I was glad that I had told James to not come. The dream kept repeating over in my head and I couldn't shake the guilt that was beginning to make me feel sick to my stomach.

The clock ticked by slowly and one after another, people were being called into the back. After the hour passed of not being called back, Chloe cursed and squeezed my hand.

"I have to go. I can only skip art class. I have a test in anatomy today and I can't miss it." I nodded. "I'm sorry, Kelly. I'll come right after that class and see if you're ready to be picked up. Don't be mad at me."

"It's okay. I'll be okay."

"You don't want to call James?"

"No. I'll be fine. I promise."

Chloe left after kissing my forehead and another apology and that's when the nerves kicked in bad. I fidgeted a lot and I even stood up and began pacing.

My mind was flooded with James and his guilt and how badly he wanted to come. More time ticked by and I think, if they had called me back earlier, I probably would have gone through with the abortion, but after another half an hour passed, I couldn't wait any longer. I left, a sob tearing through my chest and I leaned against the side of the building, hiding my face. I should go back in there. It was only a matter of time before they called me to the back, but they gave me too much time to think.

I was leaning up against the building, contemplating on going back in when I felt a hand on my elbow. I looked up and James stood there with a sad frown on his face.

"Sorry, I know you told me not to come, but I saw Chloe show up and when I saw her and she told me you were still here, I couldn't not come."

"Can you take me home?"

"Yeah. Are you okay? Do we need to run to the store for medicine or anything?"

"No. I-" I took a deep breath and shook my head. "I didn't do it. I couldn't. If...if they had called me back earlier, I probably would have but...f*ck! I should go back in." I began to walk towards the front door but James wrapped his arms around me and just having him hold me I leaned against him and I felt like I couldn't get back up.

"Do you want me to go back in there with you, or go home?"

"Are you going to hate me if I choose to go home?"

"No. Like I told you before, we'll figure it out. Whatever you want to do, Kelly, I'm here."

I took a lungful of air and coughed before I nodded. "Can you just take me home?"

"Yeah."

On the drive home I was plagued with regret. I should have just done it. I shouldn't have left. I wiped at my eyes with my on again off again crying and laid my head on the passenger window. I felt like a failure. I needed to do it for me, for James, and I was too much of a p*ssy to do it.

When we pulled up to my house, I bolted from the car and threw up in the driveway. My stomach had been revolting since I got in the car but I didn't think I needed to go just yet.

James came after me and grabbed my hair and patted my back ass I threw everything up from the night before. I hadn't eaten anything that morning, so I was quite empty already.

I wiped my mouth and he wrapped an arm around my waist and helped me inside. He took me upstairs and laid me down in bed. He laid down next to me and slung his arm around my waist and tucked his chin against my shoulder.

"It's okay. You're going to be okay. We will be okay."

I laid in his arms and struggled to come to terms with what I had done. Or hadn't done. I must have been thinking so hard that I hadn't realized I had gone to sleep because when I woke up my bedroom was dark. I moved and felt his arm still slung around me. He snored as I moved out from under his arm and sat up. I looked outside of my bedroom window and saw that the sun was setting.

How long had I slept? I glanced down at James' sleeping form and placed my hand on his arm. I shook him gently and he woke up instantly, his eyes flying wide and his glasses askew.

"Hey, what are you still doing here?"

"Sh*t. I fell asleep?"

"Yeah." I smiled at him and he stretched and groaned.

"I was just going to wait until you fell asleep."

"You were going to leave me?"

"No. I was going to call my mom and tell her I skipped the rest of the day."

"Oh. Will you get into trouble?"

"No. I just like for her to know."

I nodded slowly and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry I didn't do it. If you want I can make another appointment."

"No. I mean, it's whatever you want, but I already told you, we can figure this out."

"We should talk about it more."

"Isn't that what we're doing now?"