Unapologetically Me

Chapter Forty Six

Getting a taste of just how much money I spent a month in bills had my blood pressure at an all time high.

My mom's health insurance was crap and expected high ass deductibles just to not pay for certain medications and treatments she absolutely needed according to her doctors. Groceries were at an all time high because my mom sat around the apartment snacking all day and the electric bill was so much higher since she was home all day.

Since it was summer and I had no plans on going to school, I began working double shifts just for ends to barely meet. I worked my usual six to two and then took on the full graveyard until nine. When I'd get home, I would shower, take my mom to her endless doctor appointments, grocery shop and then get home and take a nap before starting all over.

I was running on fumes and the only thing that made me feel recharged was when James would call me in the middle of my first shift and we would chat for about an hour while he studied for whatever he was studying. Every time I would hear the excitement in his voice about this class or that one, I'd smile and I wished I was right there with him, seeing his grin and his hands as he explained what happened during class or with his new friends he made there.

And then I'd feel guilt because a giant part of me was so jealous that I couldn't do any of the stuff he was doing. So then I'd feel like sh*t because I shouldn't feel jealous.

Except when he'd mention his friend Sarah. For some reason when he'd start talking about having lunch with Sarah and her boyfriend it would grin my gears to no end.

I never asked many questions about her because I didn't want to seem like the jealous girlfriend, but the fact that he met her through his neighbor across the hall made me feel suspicious.

They were the ones he could hear getting busy when he first moved in and it just bothered me. But like I said, I couldn't be jealous. He wasn't doing anything wrong by making friends. I just hated that I couldn't scope her out.

Another little relief would be Kimmy and Hayley. They liked to come see me before and after their shifts and each time they would, Kimmy would mention just how badly she wanted me to come work with them.

With as bad as my income was right now, it was tempting, but I knew that James wouldn't like it. So I stayed working at the convenience store and struggling to pay for every single thing we needed. But I was okay. The busy part of it all kept me from going insane about feeling lonely. About missing my dad and James. About what life would be like right now if my daughter had survived.

It was a lot, but I was okay.

And that's what I had to tell myself. Every day when I woke up from my three to four hour nap, I had to remind myself that I was okay and that I could do this.

My mom on the upside stopped being a complete b*tch to me now that she had free range. She would still make little comments here and there but it was never too bad. Nothing I couldn't handle.

I was at work one night after a long day of running errands when I decided to call James myself. Usually I let him call me because I didn't want to disrupt his studying or whatever he was doing, but he never called at his usual time and it bothered me.

"Hey baby, what's up?"

There was loud noise in the background and I could hear laughing and I bit the inside of my cheek because it sounded a lot like he was at a party. But that was the college experience right? I shouldn't be mad because he was taking time off of studying.

"Nothing, I was just missing you. But you sound busy, so I'll just let you do whatever you're doing and you can call me tomorrow."

"No! It's okay. We can talk. I'm sorry, I didn't realize it got so late."

"It's okay, baby, I'm at work, so no big deal."

"You're always at work."

"Only when you call."

"I've called you at two in the morning and you're there."

"Yeah, I took on a second shift. I thought I told you?"

"No. You just said that you've been working more."

"Well, that's what I meant."

"When did you start?"

"Like a week after you left."

"JAMES!" I heard a girl's voice call out to him and I felt my blood boil.

"Hey, hold on, no! I'm on the phone. I'll be back in soon!" He sighed. "Sorry, the dorm is having a party and Liam and Sarah wanted me to come."

"It's okay. Hey, how about I let you go and we can just talk when you're not busy."

"I'm not busy, Kelly. It's okay."

I felt my eyes tear up because the guilt of being jealous and angry was starting to hit. "It's okay James. Have fun! I swear, I'm good."

He sighed again. "Please don't be mad."

"I'm not mad."

"I can hear it in your voice."

I sighed and closed my eyes. "I'm not. Go have fun. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

There's a long silence on his end and then he sighs again. "I love you."

"I love you too. Bye."

I hand up the phone and look down at the screen. I lean against the stool I brought to the counter from the back office and close my eyes. All I can hear is the girl yelling his name. I wonder if it's Sarah.

A little while later, Kimmy and Hayley show up and my mood brightens a little. Hayley sits on the counter and Kimmy leans against her and eyes me with her flirty eyes.

"So, how's tonight been treating you?"

"Same as usual. You?"

"We got to dance for that rapper from California. The one with the gold teeth."

I grin at her and shake my head. "And how was that?"

"Kimmy had him sign her ass for her. I took a picture. Do you want to see?"

Before I could answer, she pulls up her phone and shows me a picture of Kimmy bent of the guy's knee with a marker in hand and a giant grin on his face. Kimmy is looking at the camera with her mouth open in a laugh.

I smiled down at the picture and chew on my bottom lip. "That's pretty awesome. Is it still there?"

"I don't know. You want to see?"

Kimmy stood up straight and pulled down her pants, exposing her giant, tanned butt. Sitting smack dab on her right cheek is his signature.

I laugh and nod. "Yeah, definitely there."

"I swear Kelly, you would make a killing there. It would sure beat the sh*t out of working at this place. Then we can hang out like all the time!"

I shake my head slowly although I kind of missed being around friends. I had seen Chloe off around the same time as James left and the loneliness was killing me.

"You know I can't."

"Just because of James?"

"It's more than that." I tell her but I can feel the knot start forming in my gut at the mention of his name.

"Look, girl, you work you ass off all night anyways. If you were to go work at the club, he wouldn't even know. It's not like he's here. And you could make all of the money you need to stay afloat and then some." Hayley told me lightly, grabbing my arm.

I closed my eyes and groaned. There were so many pros and cons we had gone through almost every night when they come and I try not to think about it too much, but tonight, after talking to James, the idea seems kind of appealing.

And Hayley had a point. He wasn't here. And if I didn't go in for a few days while he was home which wouldn't be until Thanksgiving, maybe, it would be okay. But...he would get suspicious if I didn't come in to the convenience store while he was home.

I brought this point up to the girls and Kimmy gave me a mischievous smile.

"So, just give him a little white lie about taking time off to be with him."

"Yeah, and if he tells me little white lies about what he's doing at college?"

"He isn't here paying your bills or watching you struggle to slog through the night with little to no sleep. If anything, just come to work with us and break it to him slowly. If he can't understand that you're doing it to f*cking survive, then maybe he isn't the one for you."

My stomach hurt thinking about doing it and having James be mad at me. I groaned again and helped a couple of guys check out. They enjoyed the girls smiling at them as I rung them up and thought of what James would say if he knew that I went and worked at the club.

"Let me bring it up to him and see what he says." I found myself saying after the guys finally left.

Kimmy raised her eyebrows at me and a slow smile creeped on her face. "You're serious?"

I felt my heart thunder in my chest. "I think so?"

She grinned. "That's good enough for me. Let me know so that I can tell Kade to expect a cute little number to come in with a great ass."

"It's my only good assett."

"Hell no! Girl, you are hot with a capital H. When I first saw you, I thought for a second on his beautiful our children would look if our DNA could be combined!"

We laughed like hyenas and I began to feel a little bit better about the night. When the girls left about an hour later, I was left to contemplate their offer. It was like this almost every night, but I felt like tonight I was seriously considering it. Our bills weren't going to pay themselves and without James' part of the rent and groceries to rely on, we were flat out broke the same day I would get my check every two weeks.

With this job, even if I did it only on a few days a week, would help out with so much. I could keep this job and just work at the club when I needed extra cash. Kimmy was always saying how they were pretty much allowed to make their own schedules.

And maybe I would start feeling better about myself too. I had fallen into a slump after Lily and thought my body looked weird, but maybe I could feel more confident about myself after this.

When my shift was finally over, it was a Saturday morning and I felt like it would probably be best to talk to James about it when he wasn't so busy with his studies.

On weekends he would get some work done, but he always told me that he liked to get out of the school grounds and see the touristy sh*t around Boston with his friends. So he could make time for me. He could have a serious conversation. I hadn't told him about how much harder everything was since he left so that he didn't have to worry, but if he was going to know how much I needed extra money, I needed to come clean about everything.

So when I got home, instead of running my usual errands, I fell asleep and set an alarm for lunch time, when I knew he should be awake and decided to have this conversation with him.