Unapologetically Me

Chapter Thirty Three

Spontaneous abortion.

That's what they were calling what happened to my baby. The mild cramps, the peeing myself, the back pain, all of it was my body telling me that my baby was no longer alive. Or maybe it was telling me to save it.

Either way, guilt was the foremost feeling I had. I laid in the hospital bed and stared up at the ceiling with stinging eyes. I had cried so hard when they told me and now I couldn't even cry anymore. I cried myself dry.

I should have told James I didn't feel good. I should have just gone to the doctor as soon as I started feeling those miniscule cramps. I thought hard about the last movements I felt from her and hated myself for not knowing. I hated myself for letting her die.

James squeezed my hand , but I couldn't even look him in his face. He had cried a little, but he didn't know how bad it was. He didn't know that I probably could have prevented it. I took my hand from his and wiped at my face.

I had to have a D &C done after they had checked on her and saw that she had no heartbeat. It didn't take very long but now we were waiting for a few hours for my recovery. James' mom sat in my other side and the school had called my uncle after they couldn't get a hold of my mom, so he was standing by the door with a stoic expression.

I didn't even care. When I saw him walk in with his angry, red, puffy face I just looked away because I didn't care that he knew anymore. I had gotten pregnant long before my mom went to jail and would have been pregnant even in California, had he taken me there.

"Do you want any water or anything?" Marlene asked me gently as she stroked my forehead. I shook my head and closed my eyes.

She walked out of the room and it was just James and I left with my uncle. I knew as soon as she left that he would say something. I could practically hear his ears whistle with anger.

"You were pregnant?"

"No. I'm just in here for sh*ts and giggles." I rolled my eyes and James nudged me slightly.

"Kelly, we made a deal. You weren't supposed to get into any trouble. What the hell is this?"

"This happened long before the deal we made, Joe. I would have still been pregnant in California."

"And you knew?"

"No. I didn't know about it when we made the deal. I found out right before Thanksgiving."

He huffed and shook his head. "I see my children aren't the only ones who can't keep it in their pants."

"Yeah, guess not."

"And you're out of the house now, correct?"

"Yes. I have my apartment already."

"Good. How long are you in here for?"

"A few more hours, I think." He nodded slowly. "Alright, are you going to want to come and recover in California or stay here?"

"I'm staying."

"Figured as much. Thought I'd ask instead of looking like a jackass."

"Thanks. You don't have to stay here. I know how busy you are. I'm sorry they called you." I pressed my lips together and watched his forehead crinkle.

"Kelly, you're not an inconvenience. I was worried about you. Am I pissed? Yes. But I'm just glad you're okay."

"I'm not." I whispered. I closed my eyes and felt the familiar burn.

I felt him walk closer and then felt his giant, meaty palm on my forehead. I clenched my jaw to keep from crying, but felt my bottom lip quiver. "If you need anything, and I mean anything, call me. Don't think that I'll chew you out or be mean. I want what's best for you. You're all I've got left from my little brother."

I raised my hands to my eyes and nodded. "Okay."

Marlene came back with a cup of ice chips and a cup of water. She set them on the small sliding table next to my bed and smiled politely at my uncle. Joe asked her to walk out in the hallway with him and after they left I sighed.

James took my hand in his again and I wondered what was going to happen now. I wondered if he even wanted to be with me anymore. I wondered if he blamed me as much as I blamed myself.

Another thing that I wondered was what the hell did I do to piss off the Almighty? I lost my dad, my mom went to jail and now Iost my baby. I must have hit the bad luck jackpot because the punches just kept coming. I wouldn't be surprised if he broke up with me now that I didn't have his bun in my oven.

I took another long, deep breath and couldn't stop myself from crying again. It just hit me all at once. Everything was sh*t. How was i supposed to handle this? What was I supposed to do now?

James wrapped his arms around me and held me to his shoulder. His cinnamon cologne smell had always been a source of comfort for me and it was now. I inhaled his scent and let it calm me down.

"It's okay. We'll get through this." He whispered against my cheek. He pressed his lips lightly and I nodded slowly.

Marlene came back a little later and sat with us until we were released. She didn't say what my uncle wanted and also didn't give any hints at what it was.

When they released me later, I walked slowly, feeling my stomach cramp up as I walked. James wrapped his arm around my waist and walked with me slowly. Marlene had sent one of the other teenagers to the apartment for some extra clothes for me, so I was wearing a pair of James grey sweat pants and a sweatshirt that I had brought with me from school.

I couldn't even remember where I had gotten it, but James said I had been clutching it when the EMTs had wheeled me out.

I laid in the backseat of Marlene's van with my head in James' lap as she took us home to the apartment. Jordan or Justice had already driven James' car home, so we didn't have to go back.

Once at home, Marlene moved around the apartment, trying to find comfortable blankets and other stuff that was still lost in the mess of boxes we had.

James helped me lay down in bed and while she flitted around, I pretended to go to sleep so that I didn't have to talk to anyone. It was during the beginning of my fake nap that I heard James talking to his mom.

"What do I do?"

"Just be there for her. She just lost a big part of her. She's going to need your support."

"I know, but I feel like I should do more. Like...I don't know. I feel lost."

I heard her shush his quietly and heard a small sniffle. I buried my face in the pillows and tried to tune it out. I didn't want to feel guiltier than I already felt by hearing him cry.

I ended up falling asleep and only woke up a couple of hours later. It was dark and beside me, I could hear him snoring lightly. I sat up slowly, wincing and looked around the room. The majority of the boxes that had lined the walls were gone. I stood up and walked slowly, feeling queasy as I walked to the livingroom. A pile of folded up boxes laid by the front door and all that was left was a few boxes in front of the TV stand. I walked to those boxes and peered inside. My heart clenched as I reached for the tiny body suit Jordan had gotten for the baby for Christmas. I picked it up and stared at it, feeling my ache.

I sighed and walked back to the couch and held onto the tiny shirt. I pressed it against my chest and took long heaving breaths. How did my mom go through this over and over again? Just the thought of trying again made me hyperventilate.

I laid back against the couch and let myself have a small, private cry for my baby. I had, for a little while after I knew I was keeping her, already imagined what my life could be like with her. I imagined a sparkling future full of laughs and running around and playing princess. I had imagined a sweet little girl with James' dark hair and blue eyes and sweet little dimples.

She would be sticky and sweet all the time because she was spoiled rotten and would play with her aunts and uncles over at her grandparents house so James and I could have a night out alone.

I let the grief of losing her was over me as I laid in the dark, unfamiliar living room.

I must have been gone a good while, because she. I opened my eyes next, light was filtering in from the blinds by the front door. I was laying in the exact same spot I had laid in last night, but a blanket was draped over me. My face felt swollen and I wondered how long I laid here and cried for a future that would never be.

I sat up slowly and felt a gush of warmth in between my legs. I stared down and watched James' pants slowly stain with blood and it was just another dreary reminder of what happened. I took a shaky breath and waddled to the bathroom in the bedroom. The bed was made and I wondered where James had gone off to.

Maybe he wizened up and left me too. It seemed like that was my curse anyways. Everyone I loved or cared about seemed to just disappear on me. I looked in the dressers and found myself a pair of pants and panties then went to the closet and picked out a giant t-shirt.

I went to the bathroom and when I pulled my pants down I stared in horror at the amount of blood. They said I would bleed for weeks, but looking at it all made me feel sick to my stomach. I threw the underwear away and tried to wash out the blood from James' pants. As I did, I could feel a warm trickle down my leg and it all seemed so overwhelming. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths.

I then felt long warm fingers wrap around my waist. I looked up and felt my bottom lip quiver as I stared at James' ocean blue eyes through the mirror. His eyebrows were furrowed and he looked down at what I was doing in the sink.

"What are you doing?"

"I bled through. I was trying to clean them. I'm sorry."

He took the pants from my hands and flung them into a half full hamper by the bathroom door.

"They're fine. Here." He stepped to the shower and started the water. The bathroom filled up with steam and he pulled the sweatshirt I was wearing off of me, and then the shirt from under too.

"Get in. I'll clean up." He nodded towards the shower and I looked down at the spots of blood I had left on the floor. I blushed and went to apologize, but he stopped me with a quick peck to the lips.

"Don't apologize. It's okay. Get in the shower. I've got this."

He nudged me gently towards the shower and I nodded slowly. I jumped ina nf closed my eyes, letting the warm water relax my muscles.

I watched him through the shower door, as he grabbed a wad of toilet paper and cleaned up the blood, then washed off the bathroom sink. He seemed to be in deep thought as he did it and I wondered what it was about. We had hardly talked since it happened and I wondered if he blamed me just as much as I blamed myself.

Or what if he was partially relieved? Now he could go to Harvard and not even think twice about whether I should go with him or not. There was no reason for me to now. Unless he actually loved me.

Which right now, I was finding hard to do for myself.

James came back a few minutes later and brought a towel. He sat on the toilet seat and waited for me to be through. When I finally felt good enough, I stepped out. He wrapped the towel around me, them handed me another for my hair. He had set out a pad on top of my underwear and I looked up at him, feeling my heart squeeze with love for him.

He grabbed my panties and held them down low enough so that I could put my feet through them. He dressed me all the way up, even putting the pad in my underwear. He stood behind me and brushed my hair and it was a lot. He was taking care of me and I didn't know how to act.

My dad was the last one to take care of me, big it wasn't like this. This was...I couldn't even describe it. But it made me feel loved. It made me feel like maybe he didn't want to leave me. And it kind of scared me.