Unapologetically Me

Chapter Twenty Three

When he turned to look at me I froze. The betrayal in his face gripped at my heart and I bit my lip. What now? What was I going to do?

God I was so stupid. Why didn't I just put it away.

"This was why you walked out of class on Wednesday?"

The frustration in his voice was evident. I clenched my fists and squared my shoulders. "Why are you looking through my stuff?"

I walked to him and plucked the ultrasound out of his hand. I tucked it back in the book in his lap and he just continued to stare at me.

"Answer my question. Did you know since Wednesday that you're pregnant?"

Hearing him say it out loud made reality come crushing down on me. I shook my head.

"No."

"What does that mean? How long have you known?"

I pressed my lips together and stared down at my book. Stupid traitorous book. He grabbed the book from me and set it on the couch beside him.

"Two weeks."

"You've known for two weeks and thought, hmmm...hey let me just cut him out completely and then what?"

"James," I sighed. "I wasn't going to tell you because I'm not keeping it. I'm setting up an appointment and I'm getting an abortion. I didn't think you'd want to know something like that, so I didn't tell you."

He stared at me with an open mouth and then looked back down at the book. He took the ultrasound out and looked at it.

"How far along are you?"

I swallowed and shrugged. I had been counting the days since the appointment. I knew exactly how far along I was. "Eleven weeks and four days."

He continued to stare at the ultrasound and then shook his head. "And you just decided to get an abortion without even telling me?"

"It's not your decision."

"I know the 'it's not my body, it's not my choice,' Kelly. I just figured you'd be decent enough to let me know. Let me help you decide what to do, instead of just...killing it." I felt my eyes sting and I wiped at them angrily at the tone of his voice.

"It's the most logical choice, James. You're hoping for an Ivy League to go to and I won't be able to afford a kid. I can barely take care of myself. And I'm not the type to follow you wherever you go just to sit around with a baby on my hip."

He sat back, shaking his head and ran a hand over his face. I wasn't sure what he was thinking, but I knew I was right. How could we afford to take care of a child on our own? Especially if he was going to leave for college soon. I didn't have any prospects, but I sure didn't want to ruin his. And that was my first thought when I found out. That I was going to ruin his life.

"So what are you going to do now, Kelly? I mean, I know now, do you want to talk it out or are you still going to go through with your plan?"

"What do you want to talk out? I pretty much summed up why we need to get an abortion."

"You haven't even asked me if I want it."

"Do you?"

He pressed his lips together and sighed. "I don't know. I just know...I'm uncomfortable with your plan." He sank back on the couch and set the ultrasound on his lap.

"Which is why I was keeping it from you. I wasn't trying to be mean or vindictive about any of this. I was just thinking about you." I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I reached out for his hand. I took it as a good sign that he didn't pull away.

"I know. I mean, I feel like I know you well enough that you aren't like that, but I'm still p*ssed that you couldn't trust me. Not only with this, but with your mom being gone and everything."

I closed my eyes and nodded. "I know. It's just a lot. I didn't want you involved in everything. That's why I kept it all from you. We aren't together. You don't need to know everything going on in my life. I gave you that choice and you didn't want any part of it."

"I wanted to be with you. I asked you!"

"No, you came to me when you f*cked Lara and and she wanted a relationship. You didn't come to me before. You had plenty of time before you f*cked her to ask me if I wanted to be with you. But you knew all the sh*t I was going through and didn't want to step on that landmine, did you?"

He sat up with wide eyes and glared at me. "You made it clear after the funeral that we were friends. You wanted to be friends like you and Dexter. That's what you said!"

"It didn't mean that you couldn't ask! We both have had a mutual attraction. I have wanted you from the very beginning!" I felt my face burn and I stood up. "But you said, right after the funeral that you thought I was using you. Ofcourse I didn't want to be the one to ask. I didn't want you to feel like you had to do anything with me!

He stood up in front of me, towering over me. "We both know that you're way out of my league. Was I really supposed to put myself out on a limb there and hope that you really liked me? Lara has made it clear from the beginning she wanted me. You've dances around it for as long as we have known eachother. What else was I supposed to do?"

"Man up. Put yourself out there. Ask me before you go and f*ck another girl. Any of those options would have worked."

His jaw ticked and he looked away, running his hands through his hair. "So what now?" He asked quietly.

"I get the abortion and we never have to see eachother again." My throat ached a part of me hoped that he would argue against it. It was stupid and naïve to think that after all of this he would still want to be friends, but my dumb little heart still wanted that.

"Is that what you want?"

I shrugged and sat back down, feeling drained. "It's what's going to happen anyways. Especially if you're opposed to the abortion. You'll resent me for getting it and won't want anything to do with me."

He ran his hand over his face and groaned loudly. "No. I don't know. F*ck. I know what you're saying makes sense, I just...I don't know."

I laid down on the edge of the couch, tired now. "Well, I'll make the appointment sometime this week and I'll let you know when it's done. You don't need to worry about anything. Just go on with whatever you've been up to and leave it to me."

"You don't want me to come? Aren't you, like, supposed to have someone there?"

"I will. Chloe is coming with me."

"She knows?"

"Yes."

"That's why she's been giving me dirty looks?"

I smiled at that and shrugged. "I guess so."

He continued to look down at me and then picked up the ultrasound from the ground where it had fallen when he stood up. He studied it for a little longer and then sat down by my feet.

"You don't just wonder what it would be like?"

I covered my face with my hands and shook my head. "Don't go down that road, James."

"I'm sorry, but it's hard not to think about."

"Well stop!"

He sighed and groaned. "I feel like I should at least be there with you."

"No. If you're going to be halfway, I can't have you there to tip me to the other side. It just has to be final."

"But it's not just you in this, Kelly. It's mine too."

"I know but you're on the fence about it."

"Aren't you even a little?"

I felt my stomach churn and I didn't know if it was the morning sickness or the conversation.

"I have thought a little about it. I feel ungrateful for wanting to abort it because my mom had issues with getting pregnant and then with keeping a pregnancy. I'm over here getting pregnant on the first try and getting rid of it. It just seems...I don't know the word exactly, but I feel bad about it. But I know for us to have a future, we can't pop out a baby at eighteen."

"Okay, so I feel the same then. Because I want a family, eventually, and the thought of getting rid of this one feels icky."

"Well, imagine your future wife and you want kids and you're not over here fighting with your baby mama for rights or having to take money out of their mouths for child support. It makes it feel better, no?"

"Well, it would be different if you were the one I was with, though, wouldn't it? We would have our family started and watch them grow and not deal with any of that other stuff."

"Them?"

"Our other kids."

I made a face and shook my head. "We're not going there. You don't want to be stuck with me, James. Let's just leave it at that."

"Or is it you that doesn't want to be stuck with me?"

I shook my head. "No. That's not it at all. I already told you, I like you. I feel comfortable with you. It's you who doesn't want to be with me. Besides, you have a girlfriend. What is she going to say if she finds out you knocked me up?"

"Nothing. We weren't together back when you and I had s*x. So she can't be mad. I mean, maybe about the not wearing a condom part, but that's it."

"You wear condoms with her?"

"Every time."

"Then what the f*ck possessed you not to wear one with me? Either time."

"It was a spur of the moment type thing with us both times. I pulled out the second time at least. With Lara, Michael had some condoms in his room. And we have only had s*x that one time.*

"Really? Why?"

"I don't know." He shrugged and rubbed his hands over his face again. "Will you make fun of me if I tell you something?"

"Probably. But tell me anyways."

"My d**k goes soft randomly with her. I can't just concentrate on her. It happened the night we had s*x. We were in the middle of it and I got soft and couldn't finish."

I snorted and he glared at me then cracked a smile.

"You're joking, right?"

"Not even a little. I blamed the alcohol that one night and the rest I just told her I was stressed about sh*t."

"Wow. Sucks for her."

"Yeah. It does."

"Do you think about other stuff or what?"

"Kind of. Like I'll be into it and then she'll start talking and it just ruins it."

"Talking about what?"

"Random stuff. Irrelevant stuff. Like, she'll be sucking my d**k and then make a comment about something that happened at school. She doesn't just get lost in the moment or anything. It's annoying."

I smiled and stares up at the ceiling. "It's probably ba good thing or else she'd probably end up pregnant too."

He snorted this time and shook his head. "Yeah, I don't see us lasting much longer. She's good as a friend, but that's it."

I extended my leg into his lap and he placed his hands on my leg. He didn't even seem to think about it. His hands just rested on my leg as he was lost in thought. It was things like this that made it hard to not want him.

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out. He blew out a breath and silence his phone and put it back in his pocket.

"The old ball and chain?"

"Yeah."

"Well, it's getting late anyways. You should get going."

He looked down at my leg in his lap and sighed.

"If I leave, are you going to continue like you have been these last couple of weeks? Or are you going to keep me in the loop?"

"Honest truth?"

"Yeah."

"Probably like I have been these last two weeks. It's easier that way."

He shook his head and his phone vibrated again. He grit his teeth and sighed. "Well, then I guess I'm not leaving until you tell me that you'll keep me in the loop."