Unapologetically Me

Sixty Two

Jordan made good on his promise and we hung out.

We would meet up for lunch, and even though I sucked at school, he would show me his school work and I was able to help with a few assignments.

He would bring me pizza after work some nights when he was out with his friends and we would hit up the movies on Sundays, just to get out of the house.

And I found myself laughing and smiling more often than not. Jordan knew not to bring up James in any way and I think that was the only thing we tiptoed around.

And sometimes when I would look at him, my breath would catch and I'd have to distance myself for a couple of days because he would look like his older brother. And I think he understood it.

We were good friends for about a month and a half until I think the both of us kind of ruined it in one night.

It was on my off day, Sunday. Jordan had pushed me a little on my no drinking rule I put on myself and I had gotten us some beer from the convenience store I worked at. I had to do a bit of flirting with the clerk to get him to let me buy the beer, but I got it.

And we just watched TV on my couch, ate some pizza and drank some beer. It had been so long since I had, since the night my dad died, that it didn't take much to get me feeling good.

And it didn't take much for Jordan to start feeling good either. And that's when we began talking.

"I've been meaning to tell you, I still can't get your dance out of my head."

I smile at him and snort. "It's the same thing over and over again. I need new material."

"Well, I didn't think so. You were the only one up there that really caught my attention."

I snorted and shook my head. "Because you recognized me."

"No. Because you're beautiful. The most beautiful girl I've ever known."

We were sitting on the couch and I was leaning my head back against the couch. I turned to look at him and he's looking at me, with his head tilted back as well.

I study his face and he seems to be doing the same with me.

"Show me." He finally says.

I furrow my eyebrows at him. "Show you what?"

"Show me one of your dances. Do it here in the livingroom."

And I smile because I feel like it's a challenge and I'm drunk and I like this giddy feeling in my stomach. I raise my eyebrows.

"Really?"

"Yeah! I want to be the judge. I'll be like on American Idol."

I stand up, feeling my head spin and I pause, meeting the room stop spinning before I make my way to the bedroom.

"Okay, let me get my costume on. I'll be right out!"

I hustle and get dressed and fix my hair and do my makeup. I put on my heels and when I begin tottering around, I take them back off because I know I'll break my neck wearing them with his I felt at the moment .

I'm giggling like a school girl as I make my way out of my bedroom. He's sitting on the couch with his phone in his hands and when he looks up at me, his jaw drops and he puts his phone down.

I grab my phone from the table and find one of the songs that I dance to when I'm doing a private dance.

I move the coffee table out of the way and he looks up at me with a serious expression as I begin dancing. His eyes track my every move and when I straddle him, I hear his breathing stutter. I grind on him and I don't know if it's the alcohol or the color of his eyes or the combination of both, but I press my lips to his.

It takes him by surprise and at first he doesn't do anything. He lets me grind on him and kiss him and then his tongue brushes over mine and my body reacts like a horny teenager's would.

I move my hands over his shoulders and down his chest and we're kissing and it feels good. I feel good. His hands are moving up and down my sides and I pull away from him and undo my top. His pupils are blown back with lust and he stares at my chest in front of his face.

His hands move up and cup my breasts and I moan at just his touch. I move my mouth down over his jaw and and neck as his fingers pinch at my n*pples drawing out a moan.

My mouth moves down his chest, unbuttoning his button down shirt as I go, kissing the hard planes of his chest and stomache.

My knees touch the floor in between his legs and I get his belt in buckled and his jeans unbuttoned quickly. I move my hand down the front of his boxers and right as my fingers graze the base of his d**k when his hand clamps down over mine and he sits up.

He's breathing hard and his throat is bobbing as he shakes his head. "Kelly... I-I'm sorry. I...You're f*cking beautiful and I'll probably regret this for the rest of my life, but...I can't. We can't do this."

And I press my lips together and I know I've ruined it. I know that this short-lived friendship Jordan and I had was now done for, all because I gave in and drank and acted stupid. My hormones got the best of me and I shouldn't have even touched him.

"I know. I'm sorry. I- it's my fault."

I get up off of the floor and find a t-shirt that I had laying in the ground because I hadn't done laundry. I pull it on quickly and watch as he buttons himself back up.

"It's...not. It's not your fault. Not by a long shot. I...I wanted to. I really did. I would have. But...He's my brother. And I know we don't talk about him, but I would feel like sh*t if one of my brother's did that to me."

And that's when I get angry. Not at Jordan, but just because it had to do with him. With James.

"James doesn't care. James left me without a single f*cking word. I...I went and saw him on Spring Break last year and he was with someone new. So...I don't...I don't feel like he would care."

Jordan runs a hand over his pink face and shakes it. "He does. He would. I know you haven't spoken to him, but it doesn't mean anything, Kelly. I have. I know him. He would care."

My eyes tear up and I swallow hard. My buzz is gone and the stupid music is still playing on my phone and I kind of feel humiliated. It's the first time, since I've started dancing, that I actually feel ashamed of myself.

I dash at my eyes quickly and shake my head. "Well...okay then." I grab my phone and turn off the music. The silence that falls afterwards is awkward and neither of us seems to know what to say.

I feel so stupid. And there's so much regret because I know that I won't be seeing Jordan anymore. And not because I can't get over this slight. I can. I just feel like he'd be uncomfortable with me. Which is understandable. I was his brother's girlfriend. I almost had a child with his brother. We were together. And he loved his brother.

Jordan was still rubbing his face when finally he stood up. "I need to call a car. Is it okay if I wait here for it to show up?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry, Kelly."

"Don't worry about it, Jordan. We're good. I'm okay."

He licks his lips and then walks to me and stands over me. "Get up."

I look up at him, feeling my face still burns but I stand up and stare up at him.

He wraps his arms around me and I close my eyes and bury my face in his shirt. I'm probably Getty ng makeup all over him but I need it. I give myself two seconds, just two, to feel sad, and then I suck it back up and pull away from Jordan.

He leaves and I look at the mess of beers on my coffee table, the pizza boxes and sigh. I walk back to my bedroom and go to bed.

Two weeks later is the anniversary of my mom's death. I hadn't thought about it as much as I probably should have, but I sat in my car at the cemetery where both of my parents were laid down to rest and stare out of the windshield.

I come here for my dad every year and it's hard usually. But coming here with a bouquet of wildflowers for my mom's I don't feel as much. I'm angry and I know it has to do with that last day we were together, but...I try not to. I get out of the car and I make my way to her plot and am surprised to see someone already there.

I slow down and bite my lip. "Uncle Joe."

He looks over at me and gives me a small smile.

"Kelly. It's nice to see you."

I nod and walk up right beside him. I put my flowers down right next to her plaque, still waiting on the headstone, and straighten up.

"Yeah. It's been a while."

"I'll say." He says quietly.

"What are you doing here?"

He looks down at my mom's plot and then my dad's right next to hers.

"Visiting your parents."

"Why?"

"Because they're family."

I grit my teeth and nod. "Yeah. I thought I was a part of that."

Joe's face twists and he shakes his head. "You are, Kelly, but you understand that you've put me in a really hard position.Your choice of employment is very troublesome for me."

I raise my eyebrows and shake my head. "So that's why I wasn't invited to any family holidays?"

"My family doesn't need to be around that, Kelly. There are children."

"Yeah, because I'm going to go topless over the turkey."

He sighs and runs a hand down his face. "You're spitting on the Whitmore name with that job, Kelly. It's vulgar and disgusting what you're doing. Your father would be disappointed."

I look up at my uncle's weathered face and shake my head slowly. "My father would be disappointed that you turned your back on us and never once tried to help with mom. I had to get that job to pay all of our bills. She left us with nothing, and I had to do what I had to do to survive."

"But you're still at it, even a year after your mother has been put to rest."

"I have bills to pay." I shrug and cross my arms. I glare down at my parent's plots and take a deep breath. "Is that why you all didn't come to mom's funeral? Because I sullied the Whitmore name?"

He shakes his head and looks up at me. "I was really busy when it happened. I wouldn't have missed it otherwise."

I nod slowly. I feel angry and sad and tired and like I never want to see him again.

"Okay, well, it was nice seeing you, Joe. I hope to never see you again." I clap him on the shoulder and start to leave.

"Come to California when you get yourself together. I'll help you get a job and a place to live.

I flip him the bird without even looking at him and walk back to my car.

Do I care that I've pushed people away? Maybe. But no way in hell am I ever going to let someone talk down to me like that.