Unapologetically Me

Chapter Thirty Eight

My stomach was in constant knots. I couldn't concentrate on school because all I could think about was my mom. Where was she? What was she doing? Was she even alive?

I looked for her after I dug all of her crap out of the dumpster and put it back in her bedroom. I didn't unpack it, because she wasn't going to stay. But I took it out of the trash because I couldn't stomach the thought of my mom living without any clothes or any of her stuff.

But I was pissed too. I was worried and angry that she had left without a word and I was out looking for her at bars and countless other places because I couldn't do anything else without knowing that she was safe.

A couple of weeks after she left, I checked in with her parole officer to see if she had showed up for her mandatory pee test and felt my heart drop when the officer told me that she hadn't showed up and that she couldn't reach her on her cell either.

So automatically, if my mom dared show her face, she was going back to jail for breaking her parole and after finding that out, I really did throw her sh*t away and left it in the garbage. I also got myself an after school job at a convenience store because she had taken every single penny out of my bank account and I was left with nothing.

It was bad enough that I sold the TV in her bedroom to the pawn shop and every single thing of value that she owned, was sold too, to make up that month's rent and utilities.

James was opposed to me having a job because he felt like I wasn't going to be able to study or whatever, but we couldn't live off of his parent's money either. I didn't want to be that way.

So every night starting at five, I went to the convenience store right down the street from the apartment and worked as a cashier. It wasn't as easy as I originally thought it would be, but it kept my mind off of various other things going on in my life that I didn't want to think about

James would come in every day to check on me every afternoon and when it would get dark, he would sit out in the parking lot in his car and bring his books to study, just to make sure I didn't get mugged or robbed.

Which was a possibility in our neighborhood, so I was very grateful for that.

I learned a lot of neat things at my first ever job. Like how to clean a soda machine and how to replace the empty soda slots and that even though I was allowed to sell beer and cigarettes, I wasn't allowed to buy either of them. I saw a variety of different people come in, which wasn't unusual, since we lived in Vegas.

Another thing I learned was that people were rude. People that were 'in a hurry' threw money across the counter and tapped their fingers or toes angrily if I couldn't get them their change fast enough. People that had zero social skills would give me dirty looks for just smiling in their directions and I had a very nasty run in with a woman who thought that just because her drink wasn't fizzy enough, I should wear it instead.

But I persisted and when I got my first paycheck, I cried in my car because it wasn't even near enough to get us through the week, let alone a month.

James was there for it all though. He helped me get out of my sticky clothes and paid what I couldn't afford with the money his parents gave him. And I loved him for it. Through every hard part of my life, James seemed to be there for me and care for me and it was a relief to come home to him and know that I was safe and loved and cared for.

Because we could barely afford anything anymore, we were eating dinner at his parent's house every night and Marlene had offered to pay for some groceries, but we both refused.

It wasn't fair to his family that my mom was a cold hearted b*tch that for some reason lived to make me miserable. The more I got to know her away from under my dad, the more I realized why he would go out and cheat on her. It sucked, but I could understand it now. Not that I condoned cheating, even though I played I giant part in Dexter cheating on Alicia.

Which was kind of bad, but she was a b*tch, so whatever.

James and I sat in his old bedroom and I laid back on his bed. His parents hadn't allowed anyone to move into it yet because they weren't sure about our housing situation as of yet.

Because I was a screw up and left my bank card out where she could see it. Also, using the last four numbers of my social as my pin was a bad idea on my part.

But laying in his room gave me a sort of comfort that being at home didn't. It was probably because it was the last safe place I had been when everything went sideways.

"So, what are we doing?" He asked me ,laying next to me.

"Laying down, obviously."

He snorted. "Duh. I meant tonight. Your night off. Friday. You want to go out?"

I was tired but I knew that he was tired of staying holed up in the apartment so I nodded.

"Okay, where to?"

"It's Vegas, baby. Wherever you want."

I snorted and thought about the voucher his dad gave me for a free tattoo. "Maybe we can go get a tattoo?"

He raised his eyebrows. "Have you thought of what you wanted?"

I nodded slowly. I thought back to the lilies he had bought me when he found out we were having a girl and smiled.

"Yes. Will you get one with me?"

"Hell yeah!"

So we left his bedroom and he approached his dad in the garage, working on a toy that must have been broken by one of the younger kids.

"You busy?"

"Nope. What's up, kid?"

He turned to give us his full attention and I began to feel nervous. James' dad was tatted up and muscular, almost a complete one eighty from his son. The biggest resemblance were his salt and pepper hair and his piercing blue eyes.

"We were wondering if we could get a tattoo."

His dad's eyes lit up. "Hell yeah you can.etvme go get my keys and we can go to the shop."

I grinned at his enthusiasm. We left quickly after and met him up on the strip at his shop. It was busy, full of artists and clients alike, but he pushed us ahead of the others and took us to his little station in the back.

"What are you wanting to get done?" He asked me as I sat down.

"A lily. A white one with a little bit of pink in the center and the tips.

He nodded slowly, his eyes softening. "Alright, I can draw something up. What about you, Champ?"

James rolled his eyes at his dad's little nickname and looked at me. "The same as hers."

I smiled and he took my hand. "Well that's easy. Let me get my stuff and I'll get a sketch done really quick.

James sat next to me and squeezed my hand. "I like your idea."

"Thank you. I have kind of been thinking about it, but I just wasn't sure when I would come and do it. Seems like the right time, though."

"Yeah. Where are you getting yours?"

I bit my lip and shrugged. "I think I want it on my rib cage. Right here. I pointed to a spot right under my left boob and he nodded.

"Alright, me too. You know that spot hurts?"

"Yeah but I figure that it's fitting." I looked him in his eyes and he gave a small, sad smile.

"It is. I'm glad we came to do this together. Is matching tattoos too cheesy?"

I snorted and shrugged. "So what if it is? It's not for anyone else but us."

After about half an hour, his dad came back to us and showed us a beautiful sketch of a lily with a little bit of greenery in the background. It looked almost exactly like I pictured it. And I noticed he added something on the inside that made my heart break a little bit. It was a tiny baby, curled up in fetal position, asleep. It was almost indiscernible, but when I saw it I took a deep shaky breath.

"I love it. It's beautiful."

He grinned. We both told him where and he had me lay in my side and got to work.

It was super painful. I could practically feel it in my bones, but I took it. It felt like a sort of release. A memorial for our baby sunk into our skin for us to never forget.

It took him about an hour for the outline and then abother couple of hours to color it in, but when he was done, I stared at it in awe in the mirror feeling a little emotional.

James was next and after he wrapped my tattoo up, he started on James'.

We all chatted while he worked and he took a small smoke break before he started coloring in James' tattoo.

"You suck " James told me. I raised my eyebrows at him and shook his head.

"Why?"

"You chose the worst f*cking spot. It hurts like hell."

"I know. But it's beautiful isn't it?"

"It is. Did you see the inside?"

"Yes. He's really good. You're really good, too."

"So I've been told."

"I'm surprised you didn't want to follow in his footsteps."

He shook his head and sighed. "It's not thatm I would have loved to do this, I just love the mystery and the problem solving of coding and tech. It's always been a passion of mine since I took a class in the seventh grade for it. I was hooked."

I nodded. I felt the same but about dancing. I had wanted my position back after what happened with Lily, but my body wasn't the same. I didn't have stretch marks, but I felt thicker, more sluggish and fatigued and I couldn't make myself do it.

The passion was still there, but the spark in me just wasn't. Too much was going on in my life for me to focus on yet another thing.

"What are you thinking about so hard?"

"Dancing."

He nodded and sighed. "You should have seen if you could have gotten your spot back. Didn't they make Nationals this year?"

It was a hard pill to swallow. I nodded and shrugged. "Yeah, but it's okay. I missed a lot and it's probably best I get as much school in now more than ever. I'm behind and at this point, I have so much to catch up on if I want to graduate."

"What else did your counselor say?"

"Just that I needed to make eighties and above in all of my classes or else I wouldn't graduate."

He cringed and shook his head. "Well, I'll help as much as I can. I can look over your papers before you turn them in."

I nodded and watched as his dad came in and sat back down, pulling on his gloves to get started again. We ended our conversation, but I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that my senior had gone as badly as it did.