Unapologetically Me

Chapter Twenty

Children walked around everywhere, dressed in various costumes, grinning and laughing as they walked up to my doorway.

I stood uncomfortably in my Elsa dress, my hair braided off to the side. I smiled brightly at kids and their parents as they grabbed fistfuls of candy from the bowl I had set up. Children hugged my legs and stared up at me in wonder as their parents complimented me on my costume.

I grinned at each of them and gave them candy and hugs back, but the entire time I thought of my dad. I thought of how happy he would have been if I had ever just took the time to hand out candy with him.

I wish I had done it more often. Sure, the dress was itchy, but the kids all loved it and I loved seeing their excited faces when they looked at me.

I was busily handing out candy for a few hours already, happy that I had thought ahead and bought a sh*t ton the night before, when some familiar faces popped up. One was a tiny princess with long blonde hair. Another one was dressed as an alien and the last one as a witch. I smiled down at James' siblings and watched their eyes widen as they stared up at me.

"Mommy! It's Elsa!" I grinned up at James' mom, holding a baby unicorn in her arms and held out a bowl of candy.

"You guys came! I told James to have them come by! I'm so glad he told you!"

"Yes, he told the kids that he knew where Elsa lived and they got super excited to come and see for themselves. You look great, Kelly."

"That's not Kelly, mom. That's Elsa!" James' four year old little brother said. I smiled down at him and squatted down to their eye level.

Him, his witchy little sister and his older sister came up to me and hugged me tightly. I hugged them back and smiled at them.

"I like your costumes, guys. I've got a Rapunzel here, and alien and a pretty little witch."

"And Josie is a unicorn!" The alien pointed up at his mom.

"And a unicorn!" I stood up and grabbed my bowl and extended it down to them.

"James said you weren't going to be going to Michael's party. He was pretty upset about it." I raised my eyebrows at her and pressed my lips together.

"No. I would rather not. Too many people there that I don't want to see."

The kids took their candy and stuffed it in their buckets that looked like they were about to overfill.

"Ah! I see. So, he won't tell me, so I'll ask you straight. What's going on with him and Lara?"

I grimaced and shrugged. "Not sure. I think they like eachother, but I have no clue."

"I thought he liked you."

I smiled and shrugged. "I don't know. He does some days and others he doesn't. "

She pursed her lips and nodded. "Well, he needs to get his head out of his a-butt and just ask you out already. He talks about you enough as is. Why not?"

I blushed and shrugged. "I think he's content being just being friends. I'm okay with that."

She smiled and nodded. They left after some more hugs and then after getting rid of the last of my candy, I turned off my porch light and stripped out of my dress. I got comfortable and started some movies. I decided against scary ones, since I was home alone. I knew it was tradition, but I couldn't make myself sit in my big, empty house and and watch any movie that might make this house seem scarier than it already was.

I settled on a chick flick just to get in a good mood. Chloe had been updating me from the beginning of the party about everything going on. Her updates had mostly been about James and what he was up to, which was just hanging around his little group of friends. She would send some random little notes about people wearing some weird a*s costumes or pictures of her and some mutual friends enjoying their time.

When I received a picture at two in the morning, I expected it to be from her being at home already or something unspectacular, but when I opened it, my stomach dropped and I sat up and glared down at the photo.

It was a picture of James making out with Pink Streak. She was wearing a Flintstones costume with a turquoise dress and black hair, but I couldn't mistake the face. Her tongue was jammed in his mouth and his hands were gripping her dress, like a man starved.

I felt anger surge through me as another picture came in with his hands grabbing her tiny a*s, holding her to him. I swallowed back bile and knew that he was going to f*ck her. It had been a full week and a half since we had even kissed, so what did I expect? I had been standoffish because of everything that had happened with my mom, and now he was moving on.

I threw my phone across the living room a d shut everything off. I went to bed feeling like crap and wishing I had just gone to the stupid party instead of being afraid that my uncle was really watching my every move.

The next morning I found my phone and plugged it in, but not before I noticed that she had sent me more pictures. I was still upset from the ones the night before, but I seemed to like to punish myself and took a peek at the newer ones sent.

It was more of them kissing and then one of him holding her hand going up the stairs. His face was flushed and her makeup was smeared and it hurt. It hurt so f*cking bad. We weren't together, but it felt like a betrayal of sorts either way.

Whatever. I plugged my phone into the charger and decided I needed to fill my day with mindless tasks. We were out of toilet paper and other toiletries, so I decided I needed to make a full list of groceries and everything I needed to get for the house.

I hoped it would take a good chunk of my day so that I could concentrate on that instead of my not boyfriend f*cking that Pink haired little sl*t.

I showered and got dresssed and grabbed my phone. I got into my car and decided before I would go shopping, that I needed to take it for a wash. I got it washed and then went shopping.

I walked mindlessly through the aisles, picking up things that looked interesting and just perusing so that I didn't have to go home. My phone tinkled in my purse and I stilled. Whether it was Chloe or not, I didn't want to hear the re hash of what had happened at the party. But I seemed to be a masochist this morning anyways, so I answered the call without looking.

"Hello?"

"Hey!" Hearing his voice I felt my jaw clench and I stopped strolling.

"Oh, hey James. What's up?"

"Just calling to see what you're up to. My mom told me she took the little kids over to see you."

I smiled at the memory and nodded. "Yep. They were cute."

"Yeah. So what are you up to?"

"Shopping. Toilet paper and all of the fun stuff."

"Trader Joe's?"

"Yeah."

"You mind if I join you?"

I rubbed my face and shrugged. "Okay." I sighed.

"Alright. I'll be there in like fifteen."

We hung up and I began to feel irritated again. I hated that I wanted to see him. I hated that a part of me was happy that he wanted to see me. I wanted to hate him for the pictures I received, but how could I? We aren't together and never were. I just wished that he would keep his d**k in his pants and stop acting like he liked me and then was all over her.

I continued perusing the shampoo aisle until I saw him walking up. He gave me a small smile as he placed his hands on the end of the cart.

My butterflies fluttered pathetically in my stomach and I smiled back.

"You missed a great party." He said as he picked up a bottle of shampoo I added to my cart.

"I heard it wasn't so bad. Lots of cool costumes."

"Yeah. It was nice."

I nodded and felt a little awkward. I moved on to the next aisle with him next to me and grabbed a box of disposable razors and threw them into the cart. He was chewing on the inside of his cheek, staring at me and I knew he wanted to say something. I hoped he didn't bring it up. I would be okay if he didn't.

"You know, don't you? That's why you're being all quiet."

I pushed the cart down the aisle and shrugged. "We aren't together. It doesn't matter."

"But you're mad."

I clenched my first over the handle of the cart and shrugged again. "Nope."

"You are. I can tell."

"What does it matter, James? Why are you even here?" I picked up some shaving cream placed it in the cart and looked up at him.

"I guess I wanted to tell you before you found out from someone else. I didn't want you to just find out or anything."

"You're single. You can do whatever you want. My feelings don't matter. You've been after her for a while, so congratulations." I gave him my fakest smile and continued pushing the cart to the next aisle. He sighed and followed me.

"They matter to me. I'm sorry. I didn't want to piss you off." My blood boiled and I turned to him and glared up at him.

"So what was your plan if I didn't already know?"

He studied my face and and then looked away. "I didn't really have one."

"Okay. So what were you going to say? Like, hey, by the way, I f*cked Pink Streak last night. No biggie."

His cheeks flooded with color and I shook my head and turned back to my cart. I felt my eyes tear but I pushed the urge to cry away and kept going. I didn't even want to be here anymore.

"Who told you?"

"Chloe."

I began to grab all of the stuff off of my list quickly so that I could just go back home. I wanted to curl up in my bed and just stay.

"Last night?"

I picked up my phone and pulled up the texts. I handed it to him and watched as he looked at the photos and closed his eyes.

I walked ahead of him and grabbed the last few things from the personal care aisles and then walked towards the groceries.

I shouldn't have made my list so big. "Wait, stop walking so fast."

"I just need to get my crap."

"I know. Here." He handed me my phone back and walked beside me silently.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly after a while.

"Stop. You have nothing to apologize for. I already said that. I can easily go do the same thing. Don't worry about it."

His eyes narrowed and his jaw ticked. "I didn't expect it. It just kind of happened."

"Stop! I don't want to hear it. Please." I felt like just abandoning my cart. My heart hurt and I felt sick to my stomach.

"Are we still friends?" He stopped the cart and I threw my hands up in frustration.

"Yes, James. Let me just shop, please. We're still friends."

"She...she wants to be with me. Like as my girlfriend." He watched me and I pressed my lips together and I shrugged.

"Okay."

"I haven't told her anything."

"Why not?"

"I wanted to talk to you."

"And what? Rub it in my face?"

"No." He rubbed the back of his neck and touched my hand on the cart.

"I just...I like her. But I like you too and I don't know what to do."

"And what do you want me to do? Ask you not to? Do you want me to beg you to not accept her?"

I couldn't keep the scorn from my voice and he growled. "No. I want to know how you feel. I want...I want to know what you want."

I realized that he didn't accept because he wanted to make sure I didn't want him too. I continued strolling because I didn't know what to say.

"Don't ask me to make this decision for you, James. I have a lot of sh*t on my plate as is. I told you already that you should just tuck tail and leave, but you're still here. Also, evaluate everything going on right now. You just f*cked her and now you want to ask me what I want?"

"I know! I feel like the biggest f*cking douchebag on the planet."

He was frowning now and looked upset. Good.

"Let's make this easy. Go tell her yes. Tell her you want to be her boyfriend and we will make what we were doing a thing of the past. We had fun and now it's done."

My throat felt tight and when he didn't say anything I knew he was probably thinking about the pros and cons.

"I guess what I'm trying to ask is if you want to be with me."

"My life is a f*cking mess. Tell me that you want to have to deal with all of this just for p*ssy when you know you can get some from her."

An old lady we were passing widened her eyes at me and I smiled at her sweetly then rolled my eyes when she passed. Nosy b*tch.

James face was beet red and he cleared his throat.

"It's not just about s*x."

"Okay, but the question is still the same. Do you want to be there the next time my mom beats my a*s? Do you want to be there when my dad's life insurance money runs out and I have to scramble to pay my bills? If I were you, I'd run. I'd run fast and hard to her adorable little dimples and her normal f*cking life."

It was hard, but I knew it was probably the best option for him. I would prefer her over me any day of the week after witnessing what my mom had done to me and the car and everything. Did I want him to choose her? No. Not at all. But it was the smartest choice and he knew it.

I looked up at him and he looked tired.

"Can I finish my shopping or are we going to keep trying to figure out who would be a better fit for you?"

"Okay. Let's finish your shopping."

I nodded slowly and grabbed the last few things in my list quickly. James was quiet the rest of the time and I knew he was still trying to decide. When we got back out to my car, he helped me load everything into the car and stayed by my side.

"Where are you parked?"

"On the other side."

"Get in. I'll give you a lift to your car."

He got into the passenger seat and turned to me, stopping me from putting the car in drive. He caressed my face and I closed my eyes so that I didn't have to see it when he told me he wanted her.

"I like you a lot, Kelly. And I know you like me too. You do have a bunch of sh*t going on right now and I feel guilty because I should have left you alone after that first night. I knew you weren't in the right state of mind for anything, but I was selfish. I don't want you to think that I'm choosing her because you aren't good enough. I'm going to do what you asked and give you your space to get your stuff back under control. I want to stay friends, if you'd let me, but I understand if you'd rather not."

I felt my heart break and I nodded and kissed the palm of his hand on my face. I held his wrist and looked into his gorgeous blue eyes.

"Okay. Can I ask for a favor?"

"Yes. Anything."

"Can I just get one more kiss?"

He nodded and leaned into me. I felt his lips against mine, feather soft and I kissed him gently. It wasnt by any means passionate or hot. It was what he intended it to be, a goodbye kiss.