Unapologetically Me

Fifty Nine

I'm watching as the EMT's roll out her body in a black body bag and my heart is in a vise.

"What do I do?" I ask as they begin walking out. "Wait, what do I do?"

The EMT that I talked to earlier turns to me. They have been here for a little under an hour. "We are loading her into the car for the funeral home. Remember when we asked you?"

I shake my head because I can't really think of anything else. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. "Okay."

"Are you going to be okay?"

She looks at me with kind, brown eyes and I give her a curt nod my throat beginning to ache.

"Is there anyone else you need us to call?"

"No. We're alone. It's just us. Just...me." My chest constricts and I feel my eyes burn.

She places a hand on my shoulder and I smile at her as best as I can. She leaves with everyone else and I watch from my floor as they leave.

It's just me. Just me. I walk back into the apartment and shut the door. My legs feel heavy and I lean against the door. I slide down it slowly and bring my knees up to my chest. She was okay yesterday. She was just fine. We talked. She talked to me and we didn't yell or scream or insult each other. She was fine.

I swallow the lump in my throat and feel my phone buzz. I pull it out of my pocket and see a text from Kimmy asking if I'm coming in to the gym.

I stare at it for a long time and i get this overwhelming feeling of needing to be close to someone. Needing comfort. Needing to be held.

And it's stupid, but I kind of just want to hear his voice. So I scroll through my contacts and stare at James' name for a little bit, trying to decide if it's even worth the call. He won't answer. I know that.

But I call anyways. It rings. One. Two. Three. Four times before it goes to voicemail. And even when I was calling him before Spring Break, I never left a message. I never thought I needed to.

But today, I couldn't help myself.

"Hey." I cleared my throat and stared at the dirty carpet, still stained from my mom's bloody vomit from so long ago. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

"I know...I know we're done. I-I'm not calling because of anything like that. I...I just wanted to hear your voice. My uh...my mom killed herself and...I didn't even know. I thought...I though she was asleep. I...' I squeeze my eyes shut and feel the tears run down my face.

"F*ck. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even called. I..." I shake my head and look down at the phone and hang up. It was a stupid idea because now I'm crying and I don't know how to stop. I lay down on the floor and curl up into a tight little ball and try to control my breathing.

Because I can't. I can't breathe and maybe it's for the best. Maybe I should just die too. It's not like I needed to be here anymore. It's not like anyone would care.

I wondered how long my body would sit here, decaying until someone finally smelled the stench and called it in. I closed my eyes and decided that's what I would do. Just lay here until it was all over, until my lungs quit on me and I didn't have to be alone anymore.

I don't know how long I laid there. It could have been minutes. It could have been hours. I had no idea, but I startled when there was a knock on the front door. It was three sharp raps and I thought about answering, but I couldn't muster the strength to even get up.

So I ignored it. I laid my head back down on the carpet and stared at the back of the couch, listening to the knocks on the door again and again.

The doorknob turned, but because I was laying in front of the door, it only budged a little. I sat up slightly and scooted away, looking up as Marlene's face popped in around the door.

She looked down at me with sad eyes and tilted her head before she shimmied the rest of her body in through the door. My eyes teared up as I saw her, feeling my chest ache.

He must have heard my message and called her. He called her. Not me. I grit my teeth and closed my eyes.

"Kelly." She whispered as she closed the door. I shook my head and covered my face with my hands. I didn't want her here. I didn't want anyone. I just wanted to lay down and be forgotten. That's all I wanted.

She slid down the door next to me, with only inches away from me and looked at me with James' eyes.

"You don't have to talk. We can just sit here." She said quietly.

I nodded and laid closed my eyes again. I felt her hand on my hip, moving it soothingly up and down my leg, comforting me the only way she could.

After a few minutes, I couldn't stand it anymore. "You don't have to be here."

"I know I don't."

"I-I shouldn't have even called him."

"Why not?"

I stared at the back of the couch, noticing trash underneath that I hadn't seen before. "You know why."

She was silent for a while and then she sighed. "He never told us. We...we didn't know he broke up with you until today."

"He didn't." I whispered.

"He didn't what?"

I cleared my throat. "He didn't break up with me."

"What do you mean?"

"He...he just stopped calling. Didn't answer my texts. Didn't answer my calls. Right after he left from Christmas."

She sighed. "I'm sorry." She whispers.

I don't answer. I don't need her apologies. I don't need to hear anything.

"Your mom..."

"Killed herself."

"H-How do you know that? She was sick."

"I threw away the needle and the spoon and the lighter before the EMTs got here."

I hear a small gasp. "Did you two get into a fight?"

"I wish." I snort. Because then it would be easier, I think. Because I wouldn't have known that she was hurting her entire life and was trying to be better. Because then I wouldn't have known that she did love me.

"What does that mean?"

"I thought...I thought she was getting better. I...I mean not health wise, but with me. And we talked and..." My throat clogged up and I hugged my arms around myself. We were supposed to have gotten better. We were supposed to have tried.

I let out a sob and the tight feeling in my chest grips me again and I can't breath. Marlene grabs my arm and helps me up into a sitting position and holds me.She hold me tight and lays her chin on the top of my head.

She stays there for a few hours, helping me into my bed and promised me to come back to check on me. I don't count on it. I don't trust that she won't do to me what her son did.

So when she comes later that evening, I'm surprised. She tries to talk me into eating something, but I'm not hungry. So instead she just sits with me in my bed until I fall asleep.

The next few days happen in a blur. I somehow managed to get myself out of bed when Marlene came back and I went with her to do all of the funeral planning, shelling out money and nodding at whatever they asked me.

I was there when Marlene called my uncle and told him what happened and when he told her that he and my aunt wouldn't be able to make the funeral because they were in DC, dealing with government sh*t. I was there when she called my cousins and told them and they felt bad because they were off vacationing in the Bahamas and wouldn't be able to get back in time.

I was there for every single flower arrangement planning and picking out caskets and everything. But I couldn't even tell you the color of flowers or box I picked for her.

When the day comes, I stand in front, by myself and peer at the near empty funeral home. The Starrs are here and a few nurses that my mom befriended during her treatments, and Kimmy and Hayley, but no one else. It not full like when my dad died. No one liked my mom. She had no friends and I wondered if that's how it's going to look when I die.

I wonder if anyone would even bother to show up. I wouldn't count on it.

When we went to bury her and we were supposed to drop dirt in her grave I felt angry. I was so pissed because she chose to leave. She chose to leave me, and so when I threw my dirt in I spit too.

No one said anything or did anything. God didn't strike me down for being an evil human being. Nothing happened. But it soothed my heart a little. Kind of like putting a bandaid on a gaping wound.

At the reception, at the Starr's home, I sat on the couch and stared at my hands most of the time, looking up only when someone dared talk to me. But I had nothing to say. Not about my mother. I didn't have any cute, funny stories about her. I didn't know her. She was only there for me on thatast day, but it didn't make up for the rest of my life.

In the middle of the sad excuse for a reception, I found my way down to the basement and fekt grief grip me so hard, seeing James' bedroom. This is where I went after my dad died. This is where I went anytime I wanted to feel safe and comfortable. The smell of cinnamon and cologne was faint, but it was still here and I walked to his bed and laid down.

He hadn't called or texted or even tried to communicate with me in any way about this and it hardened my heart towards him, but I still felt like this place was safe.

And so I laid down in his bed and closed my eyes. Just for a little bit, I told myself. Just to get me through.

When I woke up later, it was dark and I felt disoriented. I had a blanket over me and when I realized where I was, I cried.

I cried and when I was done, I remade the bed and got the hell out of there.

Back home, I went to my own bed and went back to sleep. What else was there to do now that I had nothing to work towards?

When I woke up in the morning, I stared up at the ceiling and thought of my mountain.

Maybe I shoudm take care of those. That's all I could think about. I could go ask Kade for forgiveness and pay off all of my debts. After that...I could decide what to do when I was done with that.