Unapologetically Me

Chapter Fifty Five

James

It was hard coming home. And not to Vegas. I meant home, here in Massachusetts. Because ultimately, that's where home was to me now. I missed Kelly so f*cking bad, and seeing her reinforced all of my feelings for her tenfold, but...the entire time I was back in Vegas, I couldn't help but think of the trauma bond sh*t Sarah told me about.

It stuck in my head and I tried to analyze Kelly while I was there, to see if maybe she had some of the markers. But, maybe I had some too? I didn't know because I felt a sense of relief to see her, to be with her, to touch her and kiss her.

It felt like I was missing something and she was there to fill in my missing parts.

And now, back home, I kind of felt off again. We talked, but that didn't feel like enough. I wanted her here. I wanted her with me and I felt like a selfish prick for wanting it so bad, but did that make me a bad person?

Her mother left her for months, stole her money and didn't give two sh*ts about her and I was supposed to care if Kelly left her behind?

The weeks went by slowly. And by slowly, I meant that every day felt like torture. I didn't think it would be this way. I didn't think I'd miss Kelly as much as I do now and it was hard to concentrate. But I did everything I could.

I did my school work and aced my tests and did every single boring thing I had to do that I could get that much closer to seeing my girl. All the while, I'd get visits from Sarah sans Liam and it was strange.

I liked Sarah, and maybe if things were different, I would have wanted to be with her, but both of us had significant others. Not just me, but her too.

And while I hung out with her, I felt happy, I also felt guilty. Because I felt like being happy with her was a different type of happy than with Liam or someone else.

Sarah had a pretty laugh. One that I thought about often and she had a smile that could make anyone's day brighter. She was awkward in the best of ways and rambled when she was nervous. It was endearing.

And now, sitting at this Christmas party that someone threw before everyone went off for the holidays, I couldn't help but laugh at everything she said or did. She wasn't like Kelly and I think that's what I like about her the most. She was pretty but didn't really flaunt it the way Kelly did and was so f*cking smart, she amazed me by some of the things she said or did.

Liam was with us but like always, his eyes were glued to his screen and his fingers were tapping away on his screen.

Sarah, at this point, just flat out ignored him and turned her back on him to talk to me. We were playing two truths and a lie and drinking any time one of us got it wrong. We were playing on our own, just because we were still loners like that, but it was fun.

She was wearing an ugly Christmas sweater and had gone as far as buying one for Liam and I. I wore mine to the party with her and was kind of disappointed to see that Liam hadn't worn his. But Sarah was ecstatic as soon as she saw me in mine.

"I have a tongue piercing, I used to sing in my church choir and I had a dog named Pickle." She said with bright eyes. I rolled my eyes.

"You don't have your tongue pierced."

She made a buzzer sound and gave me a thumbs down. She stuck out her tongue and pointed at a small hole in her tongue. "I had a rebellious phase in highschool and got it pierced. I had to take it out when my dad found out, but yes I have a tongue piercing. Drink up!"

She pushes my cup up to my lips and I laugh. I take a sip. "So which is the lie?"

"You think my parents would ever let me have a pet?" She scoffs and shakes her head. "I always wanted a dog, but my parents were always anti-fun and forbade it."

Liam excused himself and I watched Sarah watch him walk away with a sad look.

"How's it going?"

"It's not. I'm breaking up with him after Christmas."

I raise my eyebrows. "Are you really?"

"Yeah. I don't think I can do this anymore. I feel like a neglected dog, but it's because he works too much. He's got his dad's internship and he's so focused on it, it's taking too much time away from us."

"Damn. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Like I've told you before, I think we both know it's coming. It was only a matter of time."

I nod. "And what about us?"

She raises her eyebrows and gives me a slow, soft smile. "What about us, James?"

"We'll still be friends?"

She leans in closer and I can smell the alcohol on her breath. I inhale and close my eyes. "We could be more if you wanted that." She presses her lips to mine and I fully intended to push her away. I should have. But instead, I find myself holding her face to mine, slipping my tongue inside her mouth, feeling for myself that she does, indeed have a hole in her tongue. She tastes like alcohol and peppermint and her kiss sends tingles down my spine.

When I pull away, her eyes are still closed and she's smiling, biting her bottom lip.

"You're a good kisser." I rub my hand over my face because I look at her and I think of Kelly back home and how I'm about to go back and see her. And I cheated. I kissed her. And I liked it.

"What's wrong?"

"We shouldn't have done that."

She frowns and I see that I've hurt her feelings. "I know...I'm sorry. I know you have your Kelly and I have Liam and I should have respected that."

She backs away and looks down at her hands, holding her beer. Her nails are painted green and red for the holidays and she taps a ring she's wearing on her right hand on her cup.

"How are things with you and Kelly? Is she coming?"

I sigh. "We're good. She's good. I...I want her to. But I know she won't. She's taking care of her mom."

"Didn't you say that her mom looks good?"

"She does, but it doesn't stop the fact that she's dying."

"We'll I mean, wouldn't Kelly be able to just bring her? Then you two can be together. She can take care of her mom here, just as good as she can in Vegas, right?"

I nod slowly. And then I start thinking of having her here and having her mom here and I frown because it sounds like a nightmare. I love Kelly, but I didn't realize how much I hated being in the center of all of her momma drama.

I lick my lips, still tasting her in my mouth and shrug. "I don't know."

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be pushy. I just...since you came back you've been a bit different. I didn't want to point it out, but... you've receded back into the guy you were before I got a hold of you."

I sigh. I know she's right. I feel like I came back bubble wrapped in a Kelly bubble and I can't get out of it. And now I'm going back and I have no idea what I want. Except before I kissed Sarah, I knew that I wanted Kelly.

And now...f*ck. I think if how different it would be like to have Kelly here and I don't like it. I can't imagine her hanging with my friends and being too happy that I have to study a lot.

Liam comes back then and sits next to Sarah. Her cheeks turn pink as she turns to him and smiles at him. He gives her a small smile back and he's back on his phone.

She deserves better than that. But am I the one to give it to her?

When I walk her back to her dorm room after Liam ditches again with a phone call, Sarah looks up at me with her doe eyes and there's something about her look that twists my stomach.

"Thanks for hanging out with me tonight. I'm sorry again, for kissing you. I shouldn't have done that. And I understand if you might not want to hang out again. I...I never thought that I'd do that. Not to Liam. You know?"

I nod. I never thought I'd do that to Kelly either. But standing here, in front of Sarah, I can't help but want to taste her lips again. Just to see if I feel that same spark in my chest that I did earlier. I lean down and I kiss her. She opens her mouth immediately, holding my face with her tiny hands, and tiptoeing to be able to kiss me properly.

And I get lost. I get completely lost in her taste and the way she smells like Christmas and flowers. Her mouth moves over mine like it was meant to and I don't think I've ever felt this...free.