Unapologetically Me

Chapter Thirty Five

It seemed like time just began to fly by after our Valentine's date. Days passed by in school where I was slowly starting to fail, even with James' help because I had missed too much and my mind was on other things. I floated through every class as if I was on autopilot and only absorbed the fact that I couldn't focus on anything.

I tried. I tried to sit through my classes and pay attention, but my mind was pulled elsewhere, to different topics in my brain. My baby. My boyfriend. My mom.

She was set to be released soon and while I dreaded it, I was also hoping that seeing her as the changed woman she claimed to be would help me regain the person I was before everything started to go to sh*t around me.

James, while not outwardly showing how messed up he was by the miscarriage, was struggling with it too. The mindf*ck of knowing we were going to be parents and it all being yanked out from under us was hard to swallow.

He did his work, he hung out with his friends he did everything he usually did, but it seemed like he was itching for the the escape to Massachusetts. He was itching to leave and I knew it was because of how strained it was still between us. My reluctance to tell him whether or not I wanted to move with him was the biggest elephant in the room when we were alone.

We hadn't spoken about it since then, but I knew he wanted to know my answer sooner, rather than later. Did I love him? Without a doubt, yes. But it seemed pointless for me to follow him across the country just to be stuck at an empty apartment for most of the day and then still be alone while he studied his heart out for a career he wanted more than anything else.

Did I tell him any of this? No. I couldn't. I didn't want to crush him more than he already was.

I stared down at the implant they put in my arm for birth control and sighed in relief. The doctor looked at my face with a small smile.

"Any questions?"

"This will work even without protection?"

"Yes. It's the most effective. But I do advise, using protection will protect you from getting sexually transmitted diseases, so it would be best to continue with that, especially if you date casually.

I nodded slowly and glanced up at her. "Thank you."

"You're very welcome. And just as an added precaution, the bleeding has stopped, but if during intercourse you feel any discomfort, you can always call and set up an appointment."

I blushed and nodded. I was officially cleared for s*x and it made me nervous. He knew I had an appointment today for birth control, but I was afraid that he would ask about s*x. I hadn't been even thought about it. I was far from being in any mood for s*x and I didn't want to disappoint him.

I left the office and met up with Chloe out in the waiting room. She gave me a thumbs up with raised eyebrows and I gave her one back. For the procedure, I had to have someone that could drive, just in case if I felt faint afterwards, but I felt fine.

We went out for a quick lunch since we were in the middle of lunch break. We sat inside of the fast food place and I looked around the place, feeling uncomfortable. After the miscarriage, I didn't want to be around anyone. I didn't want questions or to feel like I had to talk about anything.

Chloe and James both knew, so they kept me company most days when I just wanted to curl up on the couch and watch TV.

"So, now that you've had your appointment, are you cleared for s*x?"

I blushed as a man glanced at us and I glared at Chloe. "Will you hush? There are a sh*t ton of people around."

She rolled her dark, almond shaped eyes and flipped her black hair off of her shoulder. "Like I care. So?"

"Yeah. I am, but I don't even know if I want to do that."

"s*x?" I grit my teeth and she giggled at my expression.

"Yes. That."

"Are you turning prude on me?"

"No, I just...I don't know. My body is weird and it's just starting to get back to the way it was before. My boobs are kind of..." I stuck out my tongue and shuddered and Chloe giggled.

"What does that even mean?"

"Like...they're not as perky as before. I mean, I had barely any chest to begin with, but they're not like before. And my stomach is flatter, but it looks different. And not only that, but I don't even know if James even wants to."

"Of course he does." She took a sip from her straw and rolled her eyes at me as if I was a moron.

"How do you know?"

"He's a guy. I'm sure he's thought about s*x for a while now. He's just to nice to push it."

I frowned and sighed deeply. I stirred my milkshake with my straw and shook my head.

"I don't know. I don't even know if he still wants to be with me. I've been avoiding the whole moving to Massachusetts with him talk and since then, he's been distant."

"Why don't you just go?"

"What am I going to do there? I mean, I don't want to be the pathetic girlfriend that follows her boyfriend around and sits around doing nothing."

"You could start new, Kelly. You can get away from all the bad sh*t here and get a fresh start. Enroll in classes or get a job. Get a new hobby. Just don't stay here and waste away, mourning everything that you've lost."

I stared at Chloe and felt my eyes sting. I stared down at my barely touched burger and fries and took a long, shaky breath. "What about my mom?"

"What about her? She is a grown woman, Kelly. And if she's really in track, then she would probably want you to do something for yourself. You can't live you life catering to other people. Go. Be happy. Start a new life. Maybe you'll even love it."

I smiled because I knew if I hadn't talked d

to her, I would probably still be fighting with myself about this. She was so convincing, it really made me want to do it. She was right. A fresh new start in a different state, far away from all of these f

horrible memories would probably do me some good.

I laughed as I felt my chest lighten and I nodded. "Okay then." I looked up at her and wiped hastily under my eyes. "It's settled. I'm going to Massachusetts with James."

She clapped her hands excitedly and bit her lower lip. "I'll be going to New York, so maybe we can visit each other!"

The rest of lunch went by in a different mood and I was even able to finish my entire burger without feeling nauseous or anything.

Once back at school, I met up with James in the hallway at his locker and hugged him from behind. He stiffened at first and then slowly loosened up when he realized it was me. He smiled down at me when I grinned up at him and raised his eyebrows.

"You look happy. It went well?"

"Yes. I also want to talk to you about something. After school."

"Is it about the birth control?"

"No."

"Okay, so..." He narrowed his eyes at me and turned so that I was in his arms. "You joined the circus!"

"Yes!" I fake gasped and widened my eyes at him. "How did you guess?"

"Clairvoyant. It runs in the family." He grinned and I smiled back.

"Okay, so what am I thinking now?"

"I said clairvoyant, not a f*cking mind reader, Whitmore."

I smacked his arm and grinned up at him. We held hands as we walked to our next class together. He glanced down at me and I knew he was wondering where my good mood came from. I could see it every time he looked down at me. His eyes seemed to have gained some of their light back and it made me feel good that I was able to do that just by being in a less sh*tty mood than usual.

The rest of the school day went as slow as ever, but when I met him outside in the parking lot, I got those familiar butterflies I used to get when I saw him. He was leaning against the driver's side of his car, staring down at his phone. He was tall and his hair hung in his eyes. He pushed his glasses up slightly as he read and pressed his lips together.

He wasn't classicly handsome. If anything, he looked half emo, half nerd, but he had a certain charm about him that drew me to him like a moth to flame. I had lost that for a little bit after the miscarriage, but now that I was resolved in what I was going to do, I felt it come back in full force.

I stood in front of him and kicked at his shoe lightly. "You ready?"

"Yeah, you up for dinner at my mom's?"

"Sure. What are we having?"

"F*ck if I know, but it beats the sh*t out of cooking, so I'm all for it."

He glanced up at me and his breath hitched as I grinned at him. He put his phone down slowly and his eyes danced around my face.

"What's different?" He asked me after a little bit.

"I had a lobotomy."

He snapped his fingers and pointed at me. "Yes! I knew it!"

I grinned and his eyes sparkled with life as he stared at me. "F*ck." He whispered as he continued to looks at my face.

"What?" I wiped at my mouth and raised my eyebrows at him.

"Nothing...just, you're so beautiful." He placed a hand over his chest and the gesture made my heart pound.

"Stop."

"No, I'm not joking. You're smiling again and every time you smile, I swear my heart starts running marathons in my chest."

I placed my hand under his on his chest and felt his heart beating quickly. I was actually surprised that he was telling the truth.

"You're so cheesy. I love it."

"Just call me nachos, baby."

I rolled my eyes at his joke and smacked his arm playfully. "Alright, let's go. I want to change before we go to your mom's house."

At home, I dropped my school bag by the front door and kicked off my shoes. James did the same and followed me to the bedroom, grabbing my waist tentatively as we walked.

I felt butterflies as his fingers skimmed over the small slip of skin beneath my shirt above my hip hugging jeans.I turned to look at his face and felt my breath leave my body as I noticed the lust swimming in his gorgeous ocean eyes.

"So, remember I wanted to talk to you about something?"

"Yes." I crawled onto the bed and sat down. He sat across from me, his hand taking one of mine into his lap.

"I was talking to Chloe today and she made me realize something."

"What is it?" He asked me curiously. His eyes had a hard time leaving my lips and I felt some of the nervousness come back from earlier.

"That I do need a fresh start. That moving with you to Massachusetts would be a good thing and that I want to do it."

He raised his eyebrows, surprised by the topic and a huge grin split his face.

"You're serious?" Disbelief colored his tone and I nodded slowly.

"Yep. One hundred percent sure."

He exhaled happily and stroked my cheek with a long, thin finger. "That's great!" He breathed. I could still see the lust in his eyes and I realized Chloe was right about that too.

I leaned towards him and pressed my lips to his gently. He would kiss me before all of this too, but they were always sweet, little chaste kisses. No tongue, no way of being intimate from those kisses. I trailed my tongue over the seam of his lip and he cupped my face, opening his mouth.

I closed my eyes, moaning at the taste of his minty tongue and finally starting to feel the spark again.

"Maybe..." He breathed after he pulled away. "Maybe we'll just skip dinner at mom's tonight?"

I knew what he was asking and I nodded slowly.

"Maybe that sounds like the best idea you've had tonight."

He smoothed his thumb over my bottom lip, his eyesobing from my mouth back up to my eyes with a small smile. He leaned into me slowly and kissed me gently, pushing me back against our bed.

I laid back and began to feel nervous as he crawled in between my legs, nudging them open with his thighs to fit in between them. His mouth moved from mine, trailing soft kisses down my throat.

I closed my eyes and moaned lightly at the feeling. We hadn't had s*x in such a long time, everything felt so new again. He sat up slowly and pulled his shirt off, then reached down and began pushing my shirt up my ribcage.

I felt my heart start beating a million miles a minute. He had seen me naked directly after everything happened, but it's been a while since then. What if he didn't like my body anymore? I bit my lip and watched his face as he pulled my shirt off of me.

His eyes skimmed down my bra covered chest and all I could see was longing. He trailed open mouth kisses over the small mounds of my breasts. I arched my back and he unhooked my bra smoothly, pushing it up and off of my chest as he continued to kiss them.

His hot, wet mouth found a n*pple and it sent a jolt of pleasure down to my core as he began suckling at it, pinching the other one as he went.

He continued to make a trail of hot kisses down my stomach until he to the clasp of my jeans.

He looked up at my face and I smiled at him, leaning up on my elbows to watch as he unbuttoned my jeans. I lifted my hips as he pulled them down a long with my panties. I blushed, remembering I hadn't shaved or anything for a bit. I was rocking a bush and I wasn't sure if he would like that.

I almost wanted to just stop everything from how embarrassed I felt about it. As soon as he pulled my pants off of my legs, he glanced back down at me and continued his barrage of kisses, unphased by my mane.

"F*ck, you're so beautiful." He whispered against my mound, kissing it gently before his tongue flicked out and parted my lips. I gasped at the jolt of pleasure it gave me and watched as he began eating me, burying his face in between my legs.

I laid back, closing my eyes with a moan as his tongue fluttered and sucked on my bud. His arms that were wrapped under my thighs, moved as he readjusted himself and moved his fingers into me slowly.

I buried my fingers in his long, soft hair as he began pumping his fingers into me, his tongue fluttering over my c**t. I felt my toes curl as his fingers moved into me faster and just as I felt that familiar molten feeling in the bottom of my stomach, he stopped and began moving up my body again.

His mouth moved slowly over my body, retracting the steps he took earlier back up to my mouth. His tongue tasted sweet with my juices and the feeling of his weight on me felt good.

I wanted him. I wanted all of him and I hadn't felt that need in so long, it was almost overwhelming. I moved my hands down his chest and stomach and unbuttoned his jeans quickly. I moved my hand over the front of his boxers and grabbed his hard d**k and stroked him over his underwear.

His breath hitched and he placed soft kisses over my shoulder before I felt his teeth bite me. I stroked him slowly for a minute, enjoying the feel of his body shuddering over mine.

"If you keep doing that, I'm going to c*m before I'm even inside of you." He whispered against my shoulder.

I moved my hand into his boxers and pulled him out, feeling his precum coat my palm as I began rubbing him. The feel of his long, thick d**k in my hand felt amazing and all I wanted now was to feel him inside of me. I lined him up against my entrance, shuddering at how sensitive it felt against me.

His breath was hard and when he was lined up, he pushed the head in slightly, and I moaned. "Please." I whispered to him. "More."

He plunged all the way in and I felt my eyes roll to the back of my head with how good it felt. His body moving against me, his warmth, his mouth the way his hands felt, touching every part of my body like it was made of something valuable.

His mouth moved over mine, his tongue dancing against mine as his hips pistoned in and out me, drawing out moan after moan. He lifted my legs over his shoulders and he went deeper. I squeezed him and he groaned as he buried himself into me over and over again, the sound of skin slapping reverberating over the walls.

I cried out his name as I felt myself explode with my orgasm and then he shuddered out my name , moving his hips slowly as he emptied himself into me.

He rolled laid next to me and draped an arm around me, kissing my neck.

"Are you okay?"

I snorted. "More than okay. I forgot how much I loved sex."