I'm Not Me Anymore

15

I ended things with Kiel after that night. The night... that I will never ever forget. I couldn't sleep at night and continued skipping meals everyday. I also deactivated all my social media accounts and put my phone on 'do not disturb' .

I hate him... I hate him so much. Where are all the promises he told me? Where are all those words now? What happened? Did he changed his mind?

Or was I too ugly that's why he looked for another girl? Am... I not enough for him?

I gave him all. Binigay ko lahat ang sarili ko hanggang sa nakalimutan kong wala na pala akong pagmamahal sa sarili ko dahil binigay ko sakaniya lahat. Hindi pa ba 'yon sapat?

"L-lily, it's not what you think!" Kiel defended.

I smiled bitterly. "Nakita ko sa... sa dalawa kong mata, Ezekiel. There's no need to lie," I was about to walk away when I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"Lily..." he started crying. "I-I will never-"

I slapped him all the pain and anger on my veins and heart. I looked at him on his eyes while my visions started to blur because of the tears. "Mag sisinungaling ka pa, Ezekiel? Masakit ba sa ego mo na nahuli kita?" nanginginig kong sabi.

"Kaya ba..." I looked at down and licked my lower lip. "Kaya ba nag bago ka dahil may nagugustuhan kang iba? Kaya ba yong mga panahon na hindi mo sinasagot yong texts at tawag ko dahil may nagugustuhan kanang iba? Ibig sabihin ba... hindi totoo yong sa magulang mo? Ganoon ba, Mateo?" sunod sunod kong sabi.

He didn't respond. All I hear is his sobs. That's it? So it was all true? Lahat ng mga sinabi ko ay totoo? Paano... niyang nagawang mag sinungaling? He didn't feel any piece of guiltiness when he lied on my face?

"Itigil na natin 'to." tinanggal ko ang kamay niya sa balikat ko at naglakad papalayo.

I can hear his footsteps running towards me. "Lily, parang awa mo na, pakinggan mo ako..."

Hanggang sa makarating kami kung nasasaan sila, hinahabol niya pa rin ako. "Tapos na tayo, Ezekiel! Tapos na tayo, putangina naman, e. Hindi mo ba naiintindihan?! Ilang beses ko ba uulitin?! Nahuli kana lahat lahat tapos mag sisinungaling ka pa rin sakin?!"

Napatahimik ang lahat nang marinig kaming nag sisigawan. Narinig kong may nag salita pa isa sakanila na "Anong nangyari?!"

"Sirang sira na ako, Ezekiel... alam mo 'yan. Alam mo ang buong pagka tao ko maski ang nakaraan ko ni-minsan hindi ko pinagsabi sa iba. Binigay ko ang puso ko sa'yo dahil akala ko iba ka sakanila... akala ko mamahalin mo ako nang tunay... pero... pero isa ka rin sa nag sira sakin, e." I started crying.

"Mula ngayon... kalimutan na natin ang lahat. Ayaw na kitang makita o maramdaman ang presensya mo. Kalimutan na natin na mag kilala tayo mula pagka bata natin. At mula ngayon... kakalimutan na kita maski ang pangalan mo."

Naglakad ako papaalis kahit naririnig kong binubusinahan nila ako. Kahit naririnig ko na tinatawag nila ang pangalan ko, ni-isang beses hindi ko sila tinignan. Masama ang loob ko... sobrang nasasaktan ako. Gulong gulo ang utak ko ngayon... hindi ko maipasok sa utak ko na nangyayari na ito ngayon. Sana panaginip nalang lahat nang ito.

Gusto ko bisitahin si ate kong nasasaan siya ngayon, kaso hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako handa. Pakiramdam ko pag pinuntahan ko siya, mawawala ako sa sarili ko. Dahil tuwing pumapasok ako sa kwarto niya, bumabalik yong pangyayari noong bata pa kami.

Pagkauwi ko sa bahay, ibignagsak ko ang sarili ko sa sofa, sobrang daming negatibong salita pumapasok sa utak ko. Bakit ganoon? Paano niyang nakuhang mag sinungaling sakin at lokohin ako? Hindi ko pa nga siya sinasagot, e. Nawalan na ba siya ng pasensya?

Dapat ba sinagot ko siya agad para hindi niya ako lokohin?

Kinabukasan, muntik pa akong mahuli sa klase. Dali-dali akong pumasok ng classroom namin, at napa singhal ako ng makita kong wala pa yong adviser namin. Dumiretso ako sa upuan ko. Ni-hindi ko matignan sila sa mata nila maski mga kaibigan ko. Hindi ko alam... pero habang ako tumatabk paakyat sa classroom namin, pinagbubulungan ako.

Pinagkalat ba ni Bridgette?

Yong utak ko wala sa klase. Wala ako sa pokus halos. Ni-isa wala akong naintindihan sa mga diniscuss ng teacher namin. But gladly, I still managed to answer the quiz after the discussion. Hindi nga lang perfect score.

"Lily!" rinig kong sigaw ni Syd.

Hindi ko sila liningon at dali-dali lang akong naglakad palabas ng gate. Despite of ignoring them, I feel so f*****g guilty. I feel so selfish. They genuinely care about me... but here I am, distancing myself 'cause my mind is in chaos.

Napagpasyahan kong pumunta sa starbucks dahil gusto ko muna makalabas labas na ako lang magisa at tahimik.

it started to rain habang ako nagaabang ng tricycle. Nang may dumating na tricycle, pumasok agad ako at sinabi ko kung saan yong lugar.

Hindi nag tagal, nakarating ako sa starbucks. I immediately went outside nang matapos ako mag bayad dahil palakas nang palakas yong ulan.

"What can I get for you, ma'am?" the waiter asked while smiling.

"One Sausage and bacon flatbread and white hot chocolate, please,"

"Alright, coming right up, ma'am,"

I nodded and smiled at him. At nang makaalis siya, tumingin ako sa glass window, kong saan nasa side ko lang. It looks so peaceful...

Just rains and winds... and a song.

A sad song. Great.

Pagkarating ng inorder ko, I took some pictures and uploaded it on my story. Habang ako kumakain, my phone vibrated at nanlaki ang mata ko nang mag reply si Apollo sa story ko.

apollo: want me to go there?

I bit my lower lip and turned off my phone. I'm sorry, Apollo...

Pagkatapos kong kumain, I decided to leave dahil mag didilim na rin. It's not safe. "Fuckin' hell." I whispered.

I literally forgot that I don't have any umbrella. Tumakbo lang pala ako papasok ng starbucks para hindi ako maulanan, pero ito ako ngayon, nauulanan na!

I'd tell myself you don't mean a thing

But what we got, got no hold on me?

But when you're not there I just crumble

I tell myself that I don't care that much

But I feel like I'm dying till I feel your touch

Only love, only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Must have been a deadly kiss

Only love can hurt like this

I decided not to take any transportation. I like this... getting poured by a strong rain while walking. It calms me down but it makes my chest feel heavy simultaneously.

My tears started to fall when I suddenly remember his name.

Say I wouldn't care if you walked away

But every time you're there I'm begging you to stay

When you come close I just tremble

And every time, every time you go

It's like a knife that cuts right through my soul

Ano ba kasi ang kulang sakin? Hindi ba sapat lahat ng ginawa ko sakaniya? Minahal ko naman siya ah. Lagi akong nasa tabi niya noong kinailangan niya ako. Nariyan ako sakaniya noong pakiramdam niya nawawalan na siya ng gana sa lahat.

Binigay ko sakaniya ang lahat. Sarili ko at pag mamahal ko, binuhos ko sakaniya. Ubos na ubos na nga ako, e. Durog na durog na ako...

Sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa ibang tao, nakalimutan ko nang mahalin ang sarili ko.

Only love, only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Must have been a deadly kiss

Only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Your kisses burning to my skin

Only love can hurt like this

But if the sweetest pain

Burning hot through my veins

Love is torture makes me more sure

Medyo malapit na ako sa bahay ko nang matanaw ko ang ministop.

Ministop...

Natawa ako nang mahina nang maalala ko noong nagkita kami ni Ezekiel doon. How can I forget? Inakala ko pang stalker ko siya at sinusundan ako. Tapos inis na inis ako sakaniya kasi unang kita namin, pang aasar binungad niya. Feeling close!

Only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Must have been the deadly kiss

Only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Your kisses burning to my skin

"Lilian!"

I immediately turned around and my eyes widened when I recognized whose car it was.

"Apollo?!" I shouted.

Ginilid niya yong sasakyan at mabilis siyang lumabas sa sasakyan niya. Napansin ko na may dala dala siyang payong.

"What the hell?!" may halong inis niyang sabi nang makalapit siya sakin at binuksan niya yong payong.

He took his coat off at pinatong niya sa balikat ko. "Get in the car!"

Aaminin ko, kanina pa ako nanginginig sa ulan lalo na at ang lakas ng hangin. Halos akapin ko yong sarili ko dahil sa sobrang lamig.

But what can I do? I also wanted to do this kahit medyo katangahan.

Only love can hurt like this

Only love can hurt like this

Save me, save me

Only love, only love

'Cause only love can hurt like this

And it must have been the deadly kiss

Pagka pasok ko sa loob, pinatay agad ni Apollo yong aircon dahil napansin niyang giniginaw ako. He also handed me a pink towel. I whispered saying thank you to him at pinunasan ko yong buhok ko. Baka kasi mabasa yung car sear! Kahiya.

He turned the engine on and started driving. "What the hell happened?" tanong niya habang pinapaikot yong manibela.

I bit my lower lip. "Um, I don't have any umbrella to use," mahina kong sagot.

"That's it? You didn't take any transportation? Really, Lily?"

I took a deep sigh and shook my head. I ignored his question kasi ang obvious na wala hindi ako nag tricycle or what.

Nang makarating kami sa bahay ko, nauna siyang lumabas at binuksan niya yong pintuan sa passenger seat. Lumabas ako nang buksan niya ito ay nag lakad ako diretso.

"Do you want... coffee?"

He stared at me for a second and nodded. Binuksan ko yong pinto at dumiretso kami sa T.V room. "Ligo lang ako." pag papaalam ko.

"Sure,"

Nang matapos akong maligo, linagay ko sa washing machine yong coat niya, para bukas ibibigay ko nalang.

I went downstairs to prepare some coffee for the two of us at nagluto ako ng sopas, gladly I have some ingredients that it will fit for two person.

Pumunta siya sa dining area at tinulungan niya ako buhatin yong malaking mangkok ng sopas habang ako dala dala yong pagkakainan namin.

We were watching a movie while eating at nag k-kwentuhan. "I wasn't expecting you will be so good at cooking." he said while laughing.

I smiled. "Ganoon talaga pag walang taga luto," I laughed.

"Do you want... uh, next time I will cook some meal for you?"

My eyes widened a bit and I heard him laughed. "Yeah, I know how to cook,"

I won't ask anymore, it might be offensive! But I really thought he doesn't know how to cook, since he told me they have a chef!

"Lily." tawag niya.

"Hm?" I said while finishing my meal.

"Okay... ka lang ba?"

Am I really am okay?

"Yeah... I'm super fine," I smiled.

He didn't ask any questions anymore, gladly.

"How did you... find me?" pang babasag ko ng katahimikan.

"Well, I saw your IG story, and I know where that place is since my friend works there."

"Fun fact, I was next to the starbucks, my favorite restaurant." he giggled. "And, uh, I decided to meet you up there but you weren't there anymore so I had a thought that— nakauwi kana."

"I wanted to see you just to check if you're doing fine." he gave me a comforting smile.

I didn't know what to feel! It makes me want to cry infront of him!

I don't know what to say... but that was so wholesome. It made me feel better at least.

"I was worried though... because you weren't responding any of our texts. But it's okay, you need some space."

"Thank you. Thank you so much for understanding, Apollo." I smiled with a gritted teeth.

I had a good evening because of him. His words is just— so comforting, I couldn't explain it. He's such a great guy.

Pagka gising ko, sobrang sama ng pakiramdam ko. Pakiramdam ko sisipunin at uubohin ako.

Nag vibrate yong cellphone ko kaya I immediately grabbed my phone.

It was a message from Apollo.

apollo: good morning, take care of urself. im here for u whenever u need someone to talk to. i will cook for our meal as well hahahaha

lily: thank u♡

I couldn't get up from my bed 'cause I wasn't feeling well. I even sneezed uncountable times. I fall asleep without me knowing— and I woke up when I heard a doorbell noise.

I forced myself to get up, knowing anytime I will pass out. It's so freaking cold. Nang makababa ako, tumingin ako sa peephole at agad ko itong binuksan.

"I came to visit you, is it... okay? I mean, I can leave-"

"No," I immediately responded. "It's fine, alright? Pasok ka. Umuulan oh."

"Thanks," he smiled.

He went straight to the kitchen and he take off the ingredients inside the plastic. "I'm gonna cook bulalo!" his voice echoed.

It made me flinched a bit.

Nasiyahan ako kahit papaano sa sinabi niya. "Talaga?! That's my favorite!" I giggled.

I coughed after that— and that made him stopped what he was doing. His eyebrows frowned and looked at me. "You probably catched a cold dahil kagabi." he walked closer to me and he touched my forehead. "Damn, you're hot."

I cleared my throat kasabay ng pag mumuo ng luha sa mga mata ko dahil ramdam ko rin sobrang init ng temperature body ko.

"Hold on, I'm gonna buy a medi-"

"No, no! Meron ako riyan sa cabinet," mabilis kong pag tigil sakaniya.

He raised his eyebrows at me. "Then why didn't you drink your med? Do you even know how hot is your body temperature right now?" his voice sounded genuinely concerned. "Let's just eat so you can drink your med." he took a deep sigh.

He handed me the paracetamol and a glass of water pagkatapos naming kumain. Nag kwentuhan lang kami hanggang sa matapos kaming kumain. Siya na rin nag hugas ng pinggan at para raw makapag pahinga ako.

Few weeks has passed, my life felt like I'm in hell. Ever since Ezekiel and I stopped seeing each other, I felt more lonelier; though I started talking to my friends again.

I'm glad they understood my side why I distanced myself from them. We even cried and hugged each other after I explained to them about what happened. Kal told me Ezekiel didn't talk to her about that night. He just talked to her normally like nothing happened.

"Lilyyy! My girl!" the girl screamed. She was a few inches away from me.

My smile faded as I recognized her face.

Bridgette.

"Oh my! I've never seen you socializing with your friends after what happened between you and Matty!" she hugged me and I pushed her a bit.

Matty who?

"You know..." inakbayan niya ako at nag simula kaming mag lakad. "Matty asked me on a date after that night happened."

Napatigil ako sa paglalakad at humarap ako sakaniya. Medyo nakaramdam ako ng sakit sa dibdib, na parang anytime pwedeng tumulo luha ko.

So he really cheated huh...

I knew I wasn't enough for him. Ain't good enough for him.

"I mean!" she chuckled. "Don't take that in a different way. We're just friends, you know? It's like a friend date, love." she smiled. "You know, I was hesitating if I should go with him because I know what you will feel. But, I realized that, he needs someone too. Don't worry, I will take care of him." she winked at me and started walking away.