Weeping Willows

Chapter 21

One Step at a Time

                Elizabeth stood staring at the sight of her house all lit up and the porch light aglow.  Ryan was making his way down her wooden steps calling out her name.  The light from the house back lighting him in stark contrast to the night.  Her breathing picked up as her heart thudded painfully in her chest.  She was confused over her visceral reaction when she had turned to see him standing on her porch.  There were no other words but the comforting feeling of home.  What was wrong with her?  Was it because she had been petrified only moments before?  Possibly.  Was it a left over remnant from her time at the spring?  Maybe.  Or could it be despite her initial misgivings of getting into a relationship with him she had deeper feelings then she knew?  She just wasn’t sure anymore what was going on with her.  She stood rooted to her spot as he made his way to her.  Her mind a mess of thoughts and emotions. Upon reaching her he took a hold of her arms looking her over in worry.

                “Lizzy are you okay?  You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”  His words broke the spell she was stuck in and she chuckled nodding her head.

                “I’m alright I was just surprised to see you.  I wasn’t expecting company today.”  Ryan smiled shyly at her as they walked together back to the house.

                “We were banned from the festivities yesterday so I thought I would stop by after work and see how you were doing?”

                “Afraid I’d be down in the dumps?”  She lightly teased him causing him to chuckle.

                “I saw the condition Jenny and Jan were in when I stopped in at the diner for lunch.  I was more afraid you were nursing a raging hangover.”  Elizabeth burst out laughing.  It’s true that everyone but Addison drank last night but she didn’t have nearly as much as the others.  She was sure they were all feeling the aftereffects today from the party.  Was it wrong she found that thought funny?  As they reached her door Ryan stopped instigating her to turn and face him.  She was just starting to wonder what he was up too when Ryan reached out to caress her cheek.  Without meaning too Elizabeth let out a miserable sigh making him stop before he touched her.

                “I really need to talk to you about something.”  She said dejectedly as he nodded slowly in response.  When Elizabeth was going to lead him inside Ryan walked over to the wooden bench swing patting the seat beside him.  She looked at him curiously but followed along slowly lowering herself down.  They both turned facing forward looking out into the night.  Ryan braced himself for the rejection he thought sure was coming while Elizabeth tried to find the right words.  The silence stretched between them uncomfortable until he just couldn’t take the waiting anymore.

                “You don’t want to get together.”  She sighed out again wondering if that was truly what she felt.  Finding her courage, she turned and faced him.  The pain on his face twisted her heart as she watched his profile for a moment.

                “Honestly I’m incredibly confused with myself at the moment.”

                “I’m listening.”  He assured her as he turned to face her as well searching her face for something.  Elizabeth fidgeted in frustration knowing she owed him the truth.

                “Let me get everything out before you say anything please.  I may chicken out otherwise.”  Nodding he gestured for her to go on.

                “I like you Ryan, as more than a friend, but I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around that.  When I moved here, I was running away from facing emotions I didn’t want to feel.  If I’m being candid here, I still don’t want to feel them.  I wanted to find a hole in the wall and hide from the world.  I never expected to meet any of you, but I especially didn’t count on feeling more overwhelming emotions.  While they’re different from the one’s I’ve tucked away, I still found them unwanted and frightening.  I wanted to bury my memories and turn my heart to stone which I’ve been unable to do since you’ve come into my life.  At first, I thought it was just a physical attraction I was feeling and was determined to stop it before I hurt you.  It’s clear to me now though that I actually do care for you and that scares the hell out of me.  I’ve lost too many people that I loved that I’m terrified to go through that again.  Jan told me that you don’t get a choice not to feel but the choice is if it’s worth the risk anyway.  That’s a hard verdict for me to make.  Electing to be with someone or not was never that hard to decide before, but once you know the worst can happen it makes you hesitate and confused as to what to do.  I’m really sorry Ryan I’m not trying to jerk you around.  I just don’t know how to get past all my insecurities.” 

                By the time she was finished she could no longer look him in the eyes.  She felt like she had led him on, and it made tears of frustration fall from her.  Ryan reached out taking her hand in his as his other hand tucked under her chin to raise her face.  He gently swiped at her tears with his thumb smiling at her kindly.  It broke her heart that he was being so nice.

                “So, it’s not that you don’t want to be with me but you’re too scared to be with me?”  Not trusting her voice at the moment all she could do was nod miserably.

                “Then I don’t see what the problem is.”  Before she could say anything, he pressed a finger softly against her lips.

                “It’s my turn now.  Hear me out first.”  She sighed in resignation motioning for him to continue.

                “I like you too Elizabeth and I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t ecstatic that you feel the same.  I don’t know what you’ve been through and I won’t patronize you by saying I do.  It was clear from the start though that you were hurting.  It’s one of the reasons I first said hi to you that day.  It’s hard to see anyone in misery but it’s tougher to see someone you care for barely keeping their head above water.  I’m glad we kept you from hardening your heart.  You’re so full of life it amazes me, and I wouldn’t want you to become a shell of the person I’ve gotten to see.  I’m willing to wait until you know if you want more or not.  I just have a question for you, and I want you to think before you answer it.  Could you be satisfied with being friends with me while you figure things out?”

                Elizabeth almost blurted out yes, but she stopped and really thought about it.  Could she stand by the side and support him as a friend even if that meant he became romantically involved with another?  Just imaging having to watch him dote on someone as they looked at him with all the love he deserved soured her mood.  Damn now she felt like a bad person.

                “Crap.”  She bit out in defeat making Ryan laugh.

                “Good answer because I’m not sure I could just be your friend either.”

                “Aren’t guys supposed to want to be friends to keep the girl in their lives anyway?”

                “Pure hogwash is what that is.  Some may be able to do that while secretly pining away for her but I’m not that guy.  Honestly most guys aren’t that guy.  Don’t get me wrong they’ll be there for the girl no matter what anyway, but they’ll hate every minute of it.  It’s like drinking a glass of water in front of someone dying of thirst.”  Elizabeth laughed shaking her head at him.

                “That analogy is a little exaggerated isn’t it?”

                “Maybe but close enough.”

                “So, where does that leave us then?”  Ryan took her hand in his absently playing with her slender fingers as he thought it over.

                “We could test the waters.”

                “Test the waters?”  Nodding he looked her in the eye becoming serious.

                “We’ll be friends BUT see each other at a snail’s pace.”

                “How slow is that exactly?”

                “Like a ninety-year-old, married for decades, couple.  They show the care they have for one another in small touches and gestures but are to decrepit for passion.”  Elizabeth cracked up at the thought.

                “So were an old decaying couple now.”  At Ryan’s nod she snorted not completely believing him.

                “Are you sure you’ll be able to contain your cravings gramps?”  It was Ryan’s turn to laugh as a challenging glint lit his eyes.

                “You doubt me?”

                “Perhaps a little.”

                “Just you watch and see my dear, if anyone stumbles first it’ll be you.”

                “You think so huh?”

                “Absolutely but fear not, if you find your desires overcoming you, I will sacrifice myself to the cause.”

                “Oh, I just bet you will.”

                “It’s the chivalrous thing to do after all.”

                “You’re incorrigible.  Can I ask why you’re willing to do this?”

                “Because sweetheart you’re worth waiting for.”  It was probably the sweetest words anyone had ever said to her and it made her eyes shine with unshed tears.  

                 “Elizabeth just promise me no matter what, you stop running from things and face them head on.  Not because of us but for you.”

                “I’ll try.”

                “Try hard before you end up under the water instead of above it.  I don’t want to see you drowning.  None of us do.”  Smiling sadly at him she squeezed his hand in reassurance.

                “Now, you should head inside, and I’ll see you on Wednesday to start working on the antiques.”

                “Your leaving?”

                “I have a challenge to win and while losing would be incredibly fun, I don’t plan on giving in so easily.”  With a playful wink he stood up helping her up from her seat.  Before he left her alone, he brought her hand up to place a gentle kiss upon it.  The look in his eyes however promised something far more tantalizing.  As Ryan’s lips and his gaze lingered just slightly longer then was proper, her temperature rose as she felt a twinge in places no where close to the vicinity of her heart.  A slow smile graced his lips as he left with a wave walking down the drive to his car.    Elizabeth used her shirt trying to fan the sudden heat away and she watched from her porch as the car’s interior light illuminated his laughing features.  With a quick wave in his direction she turned for the house shaking her head in disbelief.  Man, he is lethal she thought to herself knowing she may end up jumping him first.

                Once she was safely inside with the door closed between them trying desperately to regain her composure.  What she saw however made her breath catch in her throat as her eyes widened in wonder.  She realized now why he had been adamant that they talk outside obviously not wanting her to see this and be uncomfortable.  As she walked to the little table set up for two the light from the electric candles sparkled in the water just under her eye lid.  Elizabeth ran her hand down the crisp white linen cloth picking up one of the many scattered blood red rose petals.  She raised up the cool silver domed lid from the plate and let out a sobbing laugh.  There placed in front of her were heart shaped pancakes with the words Happy Birthday Lizzy spelled out in chocolate chips across them.  In a little silver pitcher placed next to a dozen mixed red and white roses she found a warm chocolate sauce.  This time when she felt a twinge it had everything to do with her heart.  As she slumped into her seat at the table and taking a shuddering breath her hand clenched her shirt over her heart as she thought, just what am I suppose to do now?