On The Distance

JOYAS DE LAS BALEARES

Shivering on a Summer Night

Of course, I didn’t do anything. I didn’t run down the marble stairs in the hotel lobby to call him. I didn’t rush to the post office—nothing. I just sat on the balcony, hugging my knees to my chest, and stared into the distance. I thought I needed to calm down, take a deep breath and exhale even deeper to get all these thoughts out of my head. It was complete nonsense to think about him now, when my life was finally back on track and heading toward a bright future. It would have been even crazier to allow myself to do so, but I couldn’t do anything about the strange sadness.

Glass after glass of white wine—and now I was sitting on the seafront, couples dancing the samba around me, and my whole body was shaking for some unknown reason. I finished my wine in one gulp and went to bed.

03. 06. 2021

Faux Pearl

I only remembered how the yacht docked at the crowded pier. Then—how I dove into the nightlife district, then—the blurry search for that specific club, and then—how he stared straight at me in a daze.

I only remembered how he roughly threw me onto the old bar counter, undressing me while still staring at me with his green eyes.

Now, in the morning, I very much wanted to convince myself that it had all been just a dream and that I had never found him. That I had actually felt very uncomfortable doing it with him again. That I had had enough of his insensitive touches, his quiet moans, and everything about him. I wanted to forget it all in that very second and never remember my weakness.

And so the yacht sailed away again on the waves, and I tried with all my might not to look back at that damned island…

17. 06. 2021

Your Deep Waters I Won’t Drown In

“Same number?” he asked unexpectedly. At that moment, I was getting dressed in the morning darkness of the room. I shuddered and nodded in confusion, turning to him. He nodded too and put his phone away.

We had met the night before at a restaurant. That’s how it happened. I was sitting almost in the kitchen with my friends, who owned the place, when he came in to say hello to the chef. They invited him to join us at the table. Of course—such a guest.

When he saw me, he seemed a little embarrassed, and I tried not to look at him longer than usual. It didn’t work. Especially since that evening he was unusually… pleasant. Sincerely pleasant. I had grown so used to such things. I had forgotten him like that, forgotten everything I could—but not…

His date stayed in the hall, and she didn’t seem to mind that he had rushed off in the middle of the night in an unfamiliar city.

We kissed awkwardly in the taxi. Then we took a room in the first hotel we came across and kissed there. Nothing more happened. I couldn’t allow myself to go any further—neither with him nor with myself. Although I wanted to. I also wanted to stay there for the rest of my life, just to feel him close to me.

And thank God, he didn’t remember anything, didn’t accuse me, didn’t break up anything…

But I knew, with a pain in my chest, that it would never be like “our first time” again. The daylight that would fill this room in a couple of hours would bring back all the pain of memories, all the bitterness of resentment. The magic of darkness would vanish. Maybe some part of us would want to stay, to try once again (for the umpteenth time?) to patch things up… And at that moment, I desperately wanted to believe that everything could still work out. I had had moments like this even before tonight—ignoring his everyday indifferent attitude and everything that hurt me so much, living only for the good moments, enjoying the fact that I was giving him my love again.

I walked over and sat down on the bed. I had to decide whether to stay or leave. To leave him in the cold room, just as he had done to me dozens of times before. Not to allow myself to desire something that happened only once every few years.

To take a deep breath, get up, and close the door behind me.

15. 06. 2022

Ice-cream Interlude

Something happened the moment he first touched me. First he noticed a drop on the tip of my nose, then he transferred his ice cream to his other hand and wiped it off with his thumb. I instinctively recoiled and, for some reason, giggled hysterically as I watched him take a bite. Then he started giggling too, and it continued until we had finished eating and, as they say, collapsed on the sofa. For some reason, I didn’t ask aloud why he was laughing, but just raised my eyebrows questioningly.

“I should have licked it off,” he replied, suddenly moving closer.

01. 07. 2022

Pleasure de Mallorca

It was a five-day holiday. He dropped me off in the tourist area, so I found a suitable hotel myself and immediately headed to the beach. Of course, the sea was not yet as warm and milky as it is in August, but I was happy with that too. After a tiring and sometimes boring month at the office, what I wanted most was freedom and sea air. And also fun—and I was lucky with that on the very first evening. I met two guys who, of course jokingly, immediately began to divide me between themselves, and all I could do was laugh heartily. I knew he wouldn’t be coming that day, so I walked until dawn.

The next day, I managed to try the most delicious cocktail on the island, dive so deep that I had to rest for half an hour, and eat my fill of squid.

The sunset was incredible—everyone was snapping photos.

And when I returned to the hotel to change, I believed in absolute happiness—at the moment when painfully familiar arms hugged me from behind, and I heard a quiet, “I missed you.”

08. 07. 2021

Taste of July

Summer wouldn’t let him go. Even after a week back in the office, his thoughts still returned to that hot, sunny town. He often felt that instead of city noise, he could hear waves crashing, and the cappuccino he had started drinking instead of Americano at his favorite diner seemed to transport him back there. His playlist also played tricks on him, and instead of his usual rap, Spanish tunes were increasingly coming from the speakers.

He took it all with a smile, but sometimes he had to admit that he missed it. Then he would sigh and persuade himself not to dial the number written on a napkin from the café where they had spent their last evening together. He thought he had drunk too much, but the bill said otherwise, and he had to admit that his head was spinning with love.

Weeks passed, but summer still wouldn’t release him. Something made him long for the narrow streets, the constant smell of the sea, for… Of course, at his age, it was strange not to admit his feelings, but he was stubborn. He didn’t want to disturb her with a phone call and his awkward memories of those happy days.

The snow came unexpectedly, falling in large flakes in front of the man’s face. The warm coffee warmed his hands perfectly, but in his heart it was still hot July…

05. 08. 2021

13 Years From The Beginning

Sometimes she would look into my eyes with a confused expression, as if she didn’t understand what we were doing there. I didn’t know myself why any of this was necessary—and, more importantly, for whom. Perhaps it was for me, but seeing her looking so bored turned out to be more unbearable than not seeing her at all. And judging by social media, she only seemed bored when she was with me.

Maybe she needed this so she could look back at her old life reflected in me and appreciate her new one — so bright, vivid, and soaring — even more.

I was already cursing myself for suggesting we meet, but something inside me screamed that this was exactly how it was supposed to happen. So sometimes I nodded along with those thoughts, and each time I gathered my courage to take a breath, look at her, and say goodbye.

We drank a glass of wine without clinking glasses, went out onto the street—not exactly hugging, but her head, as if out of old habit, found my shoulder, and we stood there like that for another five minutes.

It would have been better if I’d left first, but once again, without looking back, it was her.

27. 06. 2021

Petersburg, 2021

The night swept us away. We went bar hopping and by one o’clock in the morning we were already wasted. After the wide, fresh streets, returning to the hot and, most importantly, cramped hotel room seemed like pure madness. We should have been sober when the time came to say goodbye, so as not to inadvertently forget some details about each other, but that would have been even sadder. So we got drunk again in some forgotten bar.

The morning did not come too quickly, which we had feared, but the anticipation of leaving each other became even more painful.

It would have been more painful if different trains had been waiting for us at the same station, but a plane would quickly take one of us away from the other. Then we could immediately get into a taxi, drink the rest of the whiskey, and sleep for a couple of days.

Only upon waking up would one of us realize that it had all been too good to be a drunken dream and decide to come after the other.

23 - 25. 06. 2021

Catalunya

To my F.

I still couldn’t forget the name of the wine we drank that night. You sleepily assured me that I wouldn’t remember anything that had happened—not my first silk bed, not the smell of the hotel shampoo, nor you and your smile. It made me so sad that I jumped off the chair and rushed to you, pressing myself against you as tightly as I could. That was the first time I felt sad. Now I just feel wistful.

You said, perhaps even with regret, that you were only the first of many, and I just laughed. You thought I found it funny because it was true, but it turned out to be quite the opposite, and I was right to laugh at how silly it was.

It is now the tenth autumn since our night together, and I have not forgotten a single thing you said to me.

Sometimes something breaks inside me, and I run out onto the balcony right after my bath, as if I might see someone in the middle of the courtyard with a huge bouquet of white peonies and the widest smile—just like you did then.

But no one is ever there.

18 septiembre 2021

Las Madrugadas

“I want to quit,” she said clearly. At the time, I didn’t understand whether she meant her boyfriend or smoking. A minute later, she took out another cigarette. I knew what was going on, but I won’t go into it—as always, this girl’s life was very complicated. And when things reached a breaking point, she came to me. I poured her whatever she wanted that evening. That was all I could do for her now. Sometimes we would go to a bar and drink there. Today she was especially sad. No, don’t worry—no one was hurting her. It was just that she…

By early morning, the streets seemed to quiet down and a long-awaited cool breeze blew through. At this point, she would snort and remember her native backwater three thousand kilometers away. Yes, it happens—we had managed to be born in towns with the same climate, even though they were separated by an entire continent.

Then she would yawn, we would go out into the street in silence, wait for a taxi, and kiss each other on the cheek. Yes, she once decided that I, as her ex-husband, fully deserved it.

I went home and lay down on the sofa to sleep.

She came home, sat down on the floor in her black dress, leaned against the wall, and cried.

20. 07. 2022

Gatos De Barcelona

They should have gone somewhere to eat, but the girl was distracted by a fashion feed, and now they were sitting on a bench in the middle of a huge, noisy city. The man looked sourly at passersby through his dark glasses, which were probably the only thing saving him from their glances. He almost always looked sour.

“The next departure is in fifteen minutes.”

“I know,” she almost hissed, without looking up from the screen.

They went to eat, but later she buried her face in her phone again. It got dark, and he also looked sourly at passersby. They didn’t seem to have planned to stay overnight in Barcelona.

“Is your power bank dead?” he asked when she finally put her phone down and looked around. For some reason, her face was sour too.

After walking a little, they found themselves at the “port”—a small building with a bunch of closed booths. There was a huge line for Madrid, where they seemed to be returning, and not a single person for Warsaw. Who in their right mind would go east now?

They got in line, and he sighed sadly and loudly.

There were three people left. He couldn’t take it anymore:

“Go already!”

She flinched, made an angry face, then sighed, smiled, jumped up sharply, quickly hugged him by his broad shoulders as if scratching him, and ran to that very booth. In an instant, a green flash transported the girl to a completely different country.

The man would have stood there looking at the booth if he hadn’t heard a meow to his left. He walked over and crouched down, reaching out his hand to the skinny ginger creature.

“Well, now I have to feed you too?”

21. 03. 2022