Say It

Chapter 17: Flashback

Cassie's POV:

Instead of going to Olympia Coffee Roasting right down the street from the gym, which has pretty amazing coffee, we drive a few minutes to a little cafe right by the coast called West Bay Coffee and Smoothies. He asks what I'd like and this time, I want a change from my normal black and order a honey oatmilk Latte with ice. They are simply the best.

Just a few moments later, he returns to the car. Placing the cups in the holder and handing me a few little baggies that smell devine. He puts the car in drive, but doesn't go far before parking at a little public dock or park, I guess, seeing as it's called Luna Park. We grab our stuff and make our way over to the benches that sit right on the edge, giving us a perfect view of the balmy water.

"Wow." I say as we take our seats. "It's amazing out here." I stare in amazement. I see him glance at me and then back to the water before agreeing.

"My father use to bring me out here when something was upsetting me. We spent many of his last days out here. Just watching the waves crash into the rocks." He says as I watch him. No longer appealed to the ocean, but to him. It's hard to believe I thought he would actually be some rich prick without a wit in him. But now I see there is so much I have to learn. So many interesting things. So many emotions to explore with him. The Lincoln I thought I knew would never have come to a park by the ocean to clear his head. Or talked so openly about what this place means to him. It's nice, serene even. He isn't a guy to go out clubbing or drinking when his mind is a mess and that's hard to find.

"How long has he been gone?" I ask.

"Two long years this coming October." He sighs. I nod understandingly and turn back to watch the waves. "He was so amazing. I know dads are suppose to be, but it's almost like he was too much." He chuckles and then takes a sip of his coffee. "Like, we loved it and would never change it, but he was too great for us." He pauses as sadness washes over his handsome features. "Dad was the displiner for the most part, but he wasn't hard on us. Any time we got in trouble, instead of yelling and throwing a fit, he would sit us down and give a huge speech that he would just pull out his ass and tell us how disappointed he was." He looks over at me smiles, so I return it."That hurt worse than any physical punishment we could receive." I nod and take the yummy looking warm scone that he's offering.

"That's how my dad was." I nod at him to continue taking a overly big bite of this scrumptious pastry and moan as the warmth feels my mouth. "Man, I didn't realize I was this hungry." I blurt out. When he doesn't speak, I look back at him. One brow raised as his eyes stare down at my lips, ready for his attack any minute.

I nudge him, pulling him back to life. He shakes his head slightly before continuing, looking away from and down to the cup in his hands. "He always supported us in whatever we wanted to do. We could have gone out for theater and he would have been at every play. But I took to baseball and Ryder was a nerd. No sports really, but he always kept in shape. He was in some club that was huge in D&D." He shudders and shakes his head. I laugh. "But he was always a ladies' man. I'll never understand it."

Looking back at my amused face, he grows confused. "I-um, played D&D in high school with group of friends and it's actually pretty fun." His mouth drops open and his eyes widen. "I was even DM on more than a dozen occasions." He stares blankly at me. "Dungeon Master." His expression doesn't change, only grows to one of utter confusion. I laugh and pat his shoulder. "I also played softball." I state, adding to the shock. "I was shortstop or left fielder." His brows are drawled together, eyes squinting, mouth slightly agape and head shaking. Lowly letting out a breath and looking back at the water.

"I don't think I will ever know everything about you." He huffs out a laugh and takes another bite of his bear claw.

"You can never know everything about someone, it would take the intrigue out of people. The adventure out of falling in love or the mystery of life itself. Knowing everything about a person is boring. It's what leads to divorce, break-ups, and fall-outs. Nothing fun about that" I say that matter of factly, taking a sip of my own coffee. I glare at him when he chuckles. "It's not funny, it's true."

He nods as if he agrees. "But it would save us a lot of heart ache."

"But prevent pleasure." It's fun exploring people, not necessarily sexually. But learning small things or even big things about someone is exciting. I want to grow old with someone who always surprises me in the best ways. Like learning how they felt when they met me or what things I did to aggravate them. Doesn't sound like much, but to me, it's a dream.

"What about Trey?" The name rolls off his tongue with so much venom, I can almost hear it dripping off.

"Trey was," I begin as the waves crash to shore, ripping through the silence. "An exception, I guess. He hid who he was so well, any sheep would have been fooled. It wouldn't have saved me from just heartache, but physical pain and everything that resulted because of him." I pause to take a breath. "But I wouldn't be who I am now had it not been for all I went through."

I looks at me as if I'm crazy and maybe I am. "That doesn't mean I enjoyed myself, or would do it all over to be where I am now. I just mean I am this person today because of what I went through. I'm stronger, braver, witty, and fierce." I take a bite of my yummy scone and continue. "I'm nothing like who I was before I met him. I guess other than my humor, but she was weak. Too kind for her own good. Anyone and Everyone ran over her like she was nothing." I giggle a little, earning me another confused look. "That's why Claudia and I are friends. There was this girl who bullied me in school. I was new to the Pre-k class and Carly Hanson was making fun of me because I had hand-me-downs. Claudia pushed her straight to the ground and told her if she mocked me again, she'd be eating sand."

He laughs and, having met her himself, probably knows that story is a hundred percent accurate. " Anyway, she was the tough one and I was the weakling. Now, I'm not."

"First of all, you are not a sheep. If anything, you're a beautiful peacock." He grins. I break out in a fit of giggles, but still he continues. "Second, you're not weak. Far from it actually. The strongest person I know. And physically, probably the strongest woman I know. You were beating the hell out of the bag at the gym." He grabs my hands softly in his and examines my busted and bruised knuckles.

"I never forget to wrap them, I guess I was too caught up in my emotions." I say and wince when his thumb runs over it. He rushes to the car, grabbing something and rushing back. He shows me a cup of ice I hadn't realized he got at the coffee shop, dumps half in the baggy from his bearclaw and the other in the baggy from the scone. He then pulls a roll of gauze out of his pocket. He twists me to face him and begins to wrap my knuckles slow and steady. Once he's finished, he places the little bags of ice on my knuckles. I watch his face in awe. Preserving this moment in my memory forever. He is so gentle and nurturing. His tongue is slightly stuck between his teeth and his mouth is open just a little to see. He has a deep frown on his brow as he holds the bags steady, being sure not to hurt me.

The bag pushes onto a particularly sensitive busted area, causing my hand to jerk as I draw in a quick breath. "s**t, sorry." His marvelous hazel eyes meet mine and poof, the pains gone. At least, I'm not thinking about it anymore. So many emotions are swarming around both of us. Lust, I'm sure, is one of them; a shared understanding of pain, respect, adoration, and craving. I crave his lips on mine and I'm certain he does mine, seeing as his eyes keep flickering from my lips to my eyes.

Clearing his throat, he adverts his eyes to my hand, gently taking it back into his and placing the bag on it again. "Where did you gauze?" I question him causing him to grin.

"Well, I actually box from time to time. No actual fights, just a form of working out. The first time I got angry with one of those black bag, it won the fight against my knuckles. I started carrying it in my car for when I would need it." He laughs then clenches his fist that are busted as well. "Turns out I needed it today. Jameus' face is sharp." We share a laugh, but not for long, shedding no remorse for Jameus' f****d up face.

He raises his hands to examine the bruises again like maybe they had disappeared already. Instead of rage, this time his eyes express sadness. He feels guilty for not telling me about Julie, for not stopping me that day, for not protecting me, which is ridiculous because he could never have known Jameus was like that. If he knew, he would never have let me go out with him that night. "It's not your fault, you know?" I move my hand to meet his face and caress his cheek softly. Closing his eyes, he nuzzles his face into my hand and covers my wrist with his own hand, not allowing me to move it away.

"Maybe, but I should have told you who he was instead of that vague s**t I said." he sighs. "More importantly, I shouldn't have pushed you away when you said you didn't want to date." Popping his eyes open, he stares back at me. "I don't date often because I haven't found someone worth a second glance in a long time. I think you bruised my ego when you put our date off. You are the first person I've taken an interest in in a very long time." He sighs deeply. "I don't understand what you're doing to me, but I feel myself changing every time I'm around you. My mind races a mile a minute along with my heart. It's already hard to find my words, then I have to worry about breathing around you." He moves the bags out of the way and scoots closer to me. He pushes my hair out of the way and it's his turn to hold my face. "Every time you look at me, my knees get weak and I can't help that stupid cheeky grin that forms on my face."

"I like it." I smirk at him while he shakes his head with that same goofy grin plastered on his lips.

"And I love your confidence." he chuckles outwardly "I knew I was in trouble from the moment I watched you climb those shelves."

My face falls serious. "What?" he asks.

"You watched me climb those shelves and you didn't help?" I question.

His eyes widen a little, realizing he's been caught, but composes himself fast. "You seemed determined. Like a woman on a mission and I know how you little women get when you're on a mission." I playfully swat his arms, bursting in a fit of giggles.

"You little weasel. You're ridiculous." I say back, turning to watch the sun since it was slowly falling before our eyes.

"Ridiculously handsome? I know. My mom tells me often." He states matter-of-factly and turns himself to face it as well.

"Well, that explains a lot." Rolling my eyes, he flashes me a serious look.

"I'm a mama's boy, you wouldn't understand." I clear my throat, averting my eyes to the ground. He doesn't know, so he couldn't know what his comment would mean to me. "What did I say?"

"Uh, well, my mom died when I was born." His face scrunches up and he closes his eyes.

"Oh, me and my big ass mouth." Finally, he faces the shame and looks at me. "I'm so sorry Cassie. I feel like I already knew that, but it just didn't register." I half-heartedly smile at him.

"Don't worry about it. I know you didn't mean it like that and I know you would never say something like that in a malice way."I stand and throw away my trash and sit back next to him. "Besides, I can't say I miss her."

His brows draw together, not sure what to say, so I offer him a small smile. "It's more the idea of a mother that I miss. I didn't know her. It's hard to miss someone you didn't know."

He nods, though, I'm sure he still doesn't understand. "I get you don't understand, and that's fine. No one ever does." I shrug with a sad smile. "And besides, Claudia's mom was like my real mom. I looked up to her and followed her lead. In a lot of ways, I turned out a lot like her."

"You're right, I don't understand, but I didn't lose my mom at birth. Or my dad, for that matter. So, of course I don't. I grew up with my dad, so when he passed, I mourned that person I knew. That I loved." I nod.

"Yeah, I get that. If my dad passed, I would lose my mind." I let go of a humorless ha. "That man is my rock. My shelter. And don't tell Claudia, but my best friend. We have both been through some rough times, but he has never left my side."

We sat in comfortable silence, just absorbing the peace of the moment. I don't think I've realized it through the craziness that has erupted around us since we met, but he has this control of my emotions, in a good way. It's as if he engrosses the anxiety, the fears, the pain even. Only leaving peace in its wake. I feel safe in the strange open space we're in. But alas, the silent company never lasts.

"So, are you ready to talk about what had you abusing that bag?" he ask carefully.

I hasten my hand through my long raven hair in hopes the question will disappear. Once I notice he's patiently waiting for an answer, I knew I could tell him I wasn't ready to talk about it and he would drop it. But I don't want to do that. I like getting close to him. Talking to him relieves some of the pressure building inside and that relief I've never had. "You know my dad saw the bruises. Well, he said a few things that, though I'm not sure he meant them, hurt like hell." He takes my hand into his, assuring me I'm in a safe space. "He called me weak and accused me of relapsing."

He soft expression grows weary as he raises his hand to stroke my face. "Relapse?" He asks. Curiousity dripping from his tongue.

I nod and suck in a large breath before releasing it along with the fear. "Yes and no. I was never on drugs. Other than what was prescribed to me." I pause, not wanting to reveal that side of the darkness to him. His gentle squeeze of my hand reassures me that my fear is just that, fear. "I was very numb after everything that had happened with Trey. Finally, at the end of all the chaos, Susanne, Claudia's mother, noticed that I had lost weight and wasn't completely myself. I'd forget little things here or there. Which is not me, I have the mind of an elephant." He shoots me a sharp smile and nods for me to continue. " Well, she mentioned it to my dad, so he began to worry, suddenly noticing other little things as well, such as weird bruises. He eventually questioned me about it when he was actually able to get me alone. I choked and froze up. I told him there was no way Trey would ever hurt me like that and I rushed home."

"Sorry if this is insensitive, but why didn't you just tell him then?" He's definitely thorough.

"It's not at all. Uh, once my dad showed up unexpectedly just after Trey had hit me. He made me hide in the room and told my dad I was in bed asleep because I had felt ill. When he came into the room, he told me if I ever told any one he would burn my dad's house down with him in it." Closing my eyes, I slightly shake my head of the memory that caused all the fear so long ago. "I still have never told my dad that." Once again, his small gesture of the hand gives me strength. "Anyway, I didn't tell Trey he had been asking questions because it would have caused a downward spiral. But a few weeks went by and I avoided my dad every which way I could, but one day he showed up to the house before Trey had come home from the bar. He had went to use the bathroom when te lowlife himself walked in the door. He was so plastered, he hadn't noticed my dad's truck parked outside. He came in bitching and moaning about the next stupid thing that would end in him hitting me. My dad stayed hidden in the hall. Trey went on his rage of the night and slapped me, but before my dad could get in the kitchen, he had stuck my forearm" I slowly turn my arm to showcase the almost 3 inch scar it had left. "onto the stove top that was very much on and very much hot. My dad tackled him to the ground, knocking him out before calling the police." I giggle a little thinking about what I'm about to tell him. "My dad sat on him the entire time waiting for the cops to show up." and only after seeing light humor in such serious mess, does he laugh.

"They came, arrested him and took him away. My dad held me tighter every word, detail, or story I told the officer who was taking my statement. I had to be medicated to help with anxiety, panic attacks, headaches, night mares, ptsd. It took a huge toll on me. Him too. Anyway, I was numb to a lot. It's how I got through so much of the abuse, just being numb. But numb was dangerous to my sedated state of mind." Numb was safe for my heart though. "It allowed me to not feel things I shouldn't have or didn't want to."

"Like loving him?" His spot on question takes me by surprise and shame floods my face. "Hey, there is no judgement coming from me. You have nothing to be ashamed of." He lifts my petite hands to his gorgeous lips and kisses every knuckle. Suddenly, I'm in a daze. Mesmerized by his soft plush lips grazes across my hand. My lips jealous they aren't receiving the same affection. He smirks, letting my know he caught me drooling.

I clear my throat, adverting my eyes and allow the pink blush to flee from my cheeks. "Right, well.." My words. I've lost my words. How does he have this effect on me? "One day, the numbness was to great for my mind and I took to many pills, forgetting I had already taken them. My dad found me on the floor convulsing after he heard the sound of my body hitting the floor. I was in a coma for a few days. He never believed it was an accident." The pain of his doubt in me rising to the surface and I shiver.

Lincoln's mindful eye notices "Come on. It's getting cool." He laces our fingers and pulls me up and to the car. Once he has ushered me into the passenger seat, he jogs to his side, starting the car and cranking the heat, which seems to work.

We ride back to my car in silence. My mind combs over the evening. And what an amazing evening it was. I felt like I had connected with Lincoln on a deeper, more emotional level. No I still don't know a whole bunch about him, but I'm sure I'm closer to the truth that is Lincoln Greene. "Hey." I say, gaining his attention. "What's your middle name?" He grin all the while chuckling.

"Bexley. Why?" Curious about my new-found curiosity.

"No reason really. I just realized I didn't know it."

"Well, it's not a usual thing to just tell someone you've just met." He laughs at his humorless comment, but I smile at his goofiness anyway. "and what's yours?" He retorts.

"Santana. Cassidy Santana." He steals a quick glance at me and turns back to watch the road. He tries, but fails, to hide the contortion of his face.

"Oh.. nice." He hesitates saying nice like it's poison in his mouth.

I squeal, causing him to swerve thinking somethings wrong, only causing me to laugh harder. His chest rises and falls with the quickening of his breath and he shoots me daggers. "You hate it?" I laugh again.

"No....t Santana." he chuckles focusing on us not dying in a fiery car blaze. "I hate the name Cassidy. I'm sorry."

"No worries. So do I. It was my mothers name." He stops laughing and shakes his head. "I told my dad, it's her name, not mine. I made him call me Cassie."

"It suits you." He smiles, taking my hand in his as we pull into the parking lot.

We sit in the car for a moment, not wanting to break apart or away from each other. Yeah, this is where I'm meant to be. Finally, he sighs out, releasing my hand and jumps out the car to open my door. He, very gentlemanly, walks me to my car and opens that door as well. As I sit his bends and at last, encases my lips. After a lengthy kiss, he pulls back to grab my belt and buckling it. As he passes back over me, he swiftly plants a soft peck on my lips with a smile.

Just as he begins to shut the door, he stops and bends down again. "By the way, you aren't weak and I don't doubt you." He smiles, standing to close my door. He leaves me to sit and think of his perfect words. I have never felt more sure of who I am, thanks to him. No, I don't need a man, but damn it feels good having one.