Say It

Chapter 13: Flashback

Cassie's POV:

I'm trying to have a good night. I am trying my damnedest to have a good night, but for the life of me all I can't stop thinking about Lincoln. There was this begging question: was he being honest about Jameus or was it simply jealousy? He had to be jealous. Nothing else made sense. Jam has been nothing but a sweetheart to me since we met. Nothing he's said or done has caused me to question who he was. It was only Lincoln's words lingering at the back of my mind that asked the question.

I excused myself to the bathroom. I need just a moment away from the stories about his ongoing perfect life. Now that I was here and out, Claudia's anger towards the situation was bothering me too. I wet my hands and sprinkle my face with the cool water to help draw me back to reality. Sometimes I think I've lost my mind, but no one can tell the difference. I know I can't. I stare back into the mirror not shocked at the person I saw. She looks back at me with that same look of exhaustion and disgust that she did all those years ago. Just when you think you've cast your demons back to their rightful spot in hell, they come back clawing at the last piece of sanity that you hold; clinging to the carcass they first left behind. The bags hanging from my eyes may as well be designer. They are so recognizable. I look like a shell of who I had transformed into these past years. Changing everything I had been. Everything he had "loved" about me. Obsessed about me. Everything I had become because of him. Once again, he had stolen my life from me by just merely escaping. The worst part about trying to be strong is when you say you're okay, they believe it.

I take a few deep breaths to stop the panic and bile from rising. I pat my face dry and head back to our table. Once seated, I check my phone, but nothing new on that front. I guess Claud didn't care that much about me being out. So, nothing to worry about I guess.

"So," Jameus begins, drawing my attention back to his deep dark brown eyes. "Why did you go to Greene House? To work?" I'm taken aback by his question. It seems like a pretty normal question, but maybe Lincoln's words had a heavier effect.

Drawing in a quick breath, I answer the best I can. "Honestly, I'm not exactly sure. I had always wanted to live in Washington and work in a publishing house here in Seattle. I did get a few other offers, but there was no where that really stood out to me like Greene House. The only place I never actually heard from was Heron Press, which was my first choice. The rest seemed like small prospects. Then, Greene House contacted me. I didn't really know about them other than they were a fairly new company, but they had an outstanding portfolio already."

"So it was the most intriguing? That doesn't sound like a sure fire way of picking a job." He smugly says and takes a swig from his wine glass as he looks around.

"Do you have a problem with Greene House?" I asked. My irritated tone giving me away as he whips his head in my direction, ready to speak in his defence. He looks utterly confused and a wave of guilt washes over me. "Sorry, that came out wrong. It just seemed there was an issue." I offer him a small smile.

"No, it's fine. You, uh, aren't wrong..." he says and fiddles with his fingers; seemly unsure if he should tell whatever is on his mind. I stare back at him waiting for him to continue. "See, Lincoln's brother, Ryder, started dating my ex from high school." He must be talking about Julie. I've heard a little from Stacy about her. She had only ever said nice things about her. "She tried to make me and everyone else believe I was the father of her child. Those two bozos threatened me, trying to make me take responsibility for some child I didn't know. But I never got the chance to talk to Juls because she passed away. Such a bad accident." He gazes at the bottom of his glass, stewing over something, but I didn't know what. Even the hint of sarcasm gave away nothing. Sitting there looking at the man across the table, he seemed different to the one I had met just yesterday. Not sure why or how. Maybe it's the words of Lincoln or Claudia's concern for me, but either way, I shake the unsettling feeling in my heart and focus on the moment.

"Whoa. He did warn me about you, so I guess that makes more sense." I say, and his gaze slowly shifts up to meet mine. I shift in my seat, uncomfortable under his imposing stare.

"And just what did the big bad boss have to say?" My nervous swallow didn't go unnoticed as his eye flicker to my throat and back up. He smiles and leans back, once again changing the emotion on his face. He's hiding. "Don't worry about it, Cas. And certainly don't worry about what that pompous rich boy has to say." He begins eating again and the subject never comes back up.

I'd like to say the aching worry in my gut seized, but alas, it had not. I tried so hard to avoid the feeling he gave me, but it was becoming harder the later the night got. Not only was I uneasy about our conversation, but there was a lingering feeling of being watched, but no matter how many times I looked, there was never anyone staring at me. I guess it was paranoia that Claudia had passed on to me.

The night sped away with no more hiccups in the conversations and he was finally driving me home. Mostly I observed the trees and buildings in passing to keep my head space clear. The feeling of being watched left more than half way through the evening and I was able to relax, but I was still uneasy about Jameus.

As we inched closer to the apartment, Jameus finally broke the silence. Maybe even shattered it. "I think you should quit Greene House." If I had a drink, it would have spit it all inside his nice Mercedes.

"Excuse me?!" he began slowly turning into the driveway as the apartment came into view.

"It's just Lincoln and Ryder can be manipulative and I think with all you've been through.." he almost hesitated. "Well, I just think it would be easy to take control of your mind." I chuckle spitefully before flinging the door open.

"The only person who seems to be trying to control me is you. I thought we could be friends, but clearly your intentions aren't what they should be." I slammed the door, but leave it to him to jump out of the car to defend his already battered honor.

"Cassie, I'm just looking out for you!" Oh the nerve.

"Looking out for me? Oh, I didn't realize that." I say in the sweetest voice I can muster up in the moment. His jaw clenches, indicating he is almost at his breaking point. Go ahead and show me who you really are. "You are looking out for no one except yourself. You don't want me to listen to Lincoln because it's the truth." His head twitches slightly to the left. If I hadn't been searching his features, I would never have noticed. "He would know better than almost anyone what kind of ass you are. He's seen his brother raise your child for over a decade now. Ryder is a saint and it amazes me the lengths you would go to try and slander his name all because you don't want the responsibility. You are a coward." I finish, turning to walk away when a strong hand grabs me by the arm, yanking me back into his chest. "Ahh." I grumble out, unsteady from the sudden jerking motion.

Jameus has hold of both arms, squeezing harder by the second. "Listen here you incompetent b***h," he yanks me closer to his face. "That fool has raised s**t of mine. I don't claim the little bastard because that sweet wife of his was nothing but a whore." I struggle to escape his grasp with no luck; his hold is too strong for me. "I dare you to tell anyone about tonight and you'll live to regret every minute of it. Especially if you run off and tell that pretty boy boss of yours. You're mine now." He grabs hold of my head and pulls me hard into his lips. Stunned by his action, I can't seem to find my voice or any power to stop him. He angrily bites my lip, leaving a metallic taste behind as the blood floods my mouth, over my tongue and down my throat. He pulls back. His eyes a mix of hunger and anger. Evil. His eyes gave away the evil intention he possessed. For me.

Terror drenched me as I relived every dark memory I have of Trey. My body is still trembling as I enter my apartment, praying that Claudia will be asleep because I don't trust myself to speak. I tiptop through, thankful she's in bed or at least in her room. I was almost in my door when I hear her sweet little voice call out to me. "Cas?" I slowly turn as shes fiddling with her robe.

"Hey, sorry. Just go back to bed, I'm going to turn in." My voice shakes slightly. Unsure if I should omit some things from tonight or tell her. I decided I'd take the night to figure it out, but right now, I don't want to talk about it.

"Oh," she says and peeks back through her door. "I wasn't asleep, actually." she looks back at me with a small smile dancing on her lips. She's happy and seemly had a good night. No, I definitely can't tell her. at least not tonight. But alas, her smile falters once she sees the slight tremor in my hand. She rushes over, grabbing my hand. "Cas, answers now!" she demands searching my eyes for hints.

Pulling my hand away gently, I offer a low chuckle, twisting my hands together. "I'm okay, Claud. You just scared me." I finally met her eyes and can tell she doesn't believe me. "I thought you were asleep." I force a smile again knowing my eyes are pleading with her to drop it for now.

She sighs, dropping it and saying goodnight as I close myself off in my room. Once the door is closed, I slowly slide down as a few stray tears fall. My head rest against the door, willing it to swallow me whole, but with no luck. I can't allow myself to be the same weak girl I use to be, but I'm petrified with fear. I got myself in this mess, so I'll just have to get myself out of it. Then I'll tell her. For now, I need to avoid Jameus at all cost.

I stand from my spot on the floor and wipe my face free of tears. Walking to my dresser, I grab my Pjs and head to the bathroom. I need a hot shower to wash the stains of tonight away. I turn the setting to scolding. Burning my skin will be better than the numbing feeling that is settling in already. When the abuse became too much, I went numb. I didn't care how much he hurt me or the things he did to me. Numb was easy, but it's dangerous. It willed me to not say anything. Made me believe I could handle it all on my own. I was numb long after he was gone too. I was unwilling to change or see the damage it had done. To see the hurt in my dad's eyes. Or the hurt I was causing him and myself. The numbness blocked out the reality of things. One too many times. Thats how I ended up in the hospital after taking to many sleeping pills. It was actually an accident, to numb to remember I had already taken 2 and taking 2 more... of each. It doesn't seem like much, but sleeping pills and muscle relaxers aren't exactly ibuprofen. Waking up a couple of days later I promised I would never allow it to take over again. I quit taking any kind of pill, and I started to actually try and pretty soon, living became bearable again.

I pull my clothes off and stare at my reflection. My eyes wandering to the very visible reddish purple marks forming on my arms. I knew they would be sore, but I would never have thought they'd leave bruises. Now I'm getting pissed. For one, this is going to be hard to hide, but mostly because he had laid his disgusting, milksop hands on me. I'll get him back for this somehow. He'll regret he ever messed with me.