The Men In and Out of Her Life

Chapter 1-2

Lacey tore her gaze away from the mirror’s painstaking truth, desperately fighting back the threat of more tears. She just couldn’t deal with what had just happened; she didn’t want to think about Peter and the ruins of the safe, happy life she’d tried so hard to build. She had to find something else to think about. Her gaze settled on her chair, and it beckoned her to sit. She reached for some tissue in the drawer of the nightstand, and her eyes caught the journal that she had been haphazardly keeping for her son. She grabbed it and went to their bed, settling in with all of the pillows, lining them up alongside her to grant her relief from being alone. She opened up the journal to an entry made two years ago and began to read:

Oh, Jake, life seems to have taken on a different meaning now; it’s so much more precious. Your reaction to the news of losing the baby was one of open shock and sadness, which was a confirmation that you really did want a little brother or sister more than I suspected.

The pain of that memory rose to meet Lacey, and she continued to read on, mesmerized by the raw emotions that spoke so loudly on the pages, as if still alive. Through the journal entries she read, there was a theme woven between them, one that wasn’t apparent until now. The whole time she and Peter had been married, she had been trying to force a father-son relationship between Jake and Peter, as if Peter could take the place of Jake’s real father who was in and out of his life. Why? Was it because she wanted so much for him to have a better childhood than her own? Or was it that she wanted him to feel loved and accepted unconditionally and not abandoned?

Why?Was it because she wanted so much for him to have a better childhood than her own? Or was it that she wanted him to feel loved and accepted unconditionally and not abandoned?In search of answers, Lacey read on and came to an entry that described more hard times they all had experienced while remodeling their home, the dream vacation they were planning to take to Hawaii, and the fact that she was pregnant again.

The ringing of the phone brought her back, and she looked at the clock. It was just after noon, the time that they were supposed to be leaving for their trip. She listened as the answering machine picked it up, and Peter’s sister’s voice came on: “Hey, you guys. I was trying to catch you before you left to tell you to have a great time in Tahoe. I know how much you both need it. Peter, ski that black diamond run for me, okay? Be safe. Love you guys.”

It was too much to think about, losing the family she had never had until she had met and married Peter, so she stayed right where she was and continued to read her journal to Jake.

We were all so excited when we arrived at our hotel in Honolulu. We unpacked and put our clothes away and got ready to go out for our long-awaited lobster dinner. I started spotting. I tried not to panic and told myself I was okay. To make sure, we went to the emergency hospital, and they ordered an ultrasound. I was still convinced that the baby and I were okay, so I asked the technician if you could come in. My sweet son, when you are older, there will be people who ask about your regrets in life. Well, for me, whenever I even think about it, I regret down to my soul having you in there to hear the ultrasound person confirm that the mass on the screen that should have been my baby, your brother or sister, had never formed. Your sobs still reverberate in my heart as I write this. Yes, that is a regret that will stay with me until my own death.

Lacey heard the distant sound of a doorbell, and she went to the hallway window to see who it was. She stood on her toes and looked down. When she saw her sweet neighbor, Katrina, she remembered that she’d forgotten to go over and give her the keys so she could check on their house and get their mail. Lacey let out a sigh. She just couldn’t stand the thought of telling her that not only was she not going skiing but that Peter had left her and was never coming back.

Katrina listened to the sound of the second ring of the doorbell. As she stood there, she realized that she hadn’t noticed if Peter had come home from work or not. She didn’t think so. Lacey had said he was just going to work half a day and then he’d be home so they could leave, but she would be over to give her the keys and say good-bye. Something’s up, she thought. She reached for the doorbell, and after pushing it one last time, she began to bang on the door. Frustrated, she walked backwards, not turning her back until she had reached the end of the walkway. When she did turn around, she ran across the street to her own house, ran in the door, and straight for the phone.

Something’s up,

Lacey walked back to her room and returned to the journal.

How do I write a year’s worth of emotions down on a single page or two of a journal? Things have changed in my field of court reporting. I’ve been working a lot more than I intended; but then again, I had never owned a court-reporting agency before. The competition in this field is fierce, and I’ve had to make some cutbacks that have been painful, to say the least, while spending more time at the office and connecting less and less with you and your dad.

There it was again, calling Peter his dad.

It’s almost like I’m running, fast and hard, from the pain of it all. I keep hearing your voice, your words you said to me a couple of weeks after we got back from Hawaii. Your pain was so blatant, your innocence couldn’t mask it: “Mommy, why are you still so sad? You still have me. Isn’t that good enough?” Oh, my dearest and only son, you cannot understand, until you have your own child or children, just how much you have completed my life.

Lacey let the journal fall from her hands as she wept at the memories threatening to drown her like a fierce ocean wave. Did he leave me because I couldn’t give him a child? Where and when had it started to take that turn in the wrong direction that had led to such a battlefield with him on one side and me trying to pull him back? How had we come so far, through so much, and drifted so far apart?

Did he leave me because I couldn’t give him a child?Where and when had it started to take that turn in the wrong direction that had led to such a battlefield with him on one side and me trying to pull him back? How had we come so far, through so much, and drifted so far apart?Lacey lay there, ruminating on the journal entries she had read. It had been like riding a tortuous roller coaster, the good times and bad times fluctuating up and down, but the bad times were so much more prevalent, catapulting them in a downward direction. It was all there in black and white, the raw emotional entries of times gone by, and suddenly she remembered that moment in time when she had realized that she had chosen wrong again; she should not have married Peter. That had been the first time she had heard it since she was a little girl—the Voice. You take care of your relationship with Me and I’ll work on him. It was gentle, loving and encouraging, definitely not condemning, and it certainly wasn’t now. As she sat there, she heard it now, and like the first time all those years ago, it beckoned her to move forward.

You take care of your relationship with Me and I’ll work on him. The first time had been after being taken from her mom and step-dad and placed in a foster home; she had been only twelve years old. Thereafter, she thought she heard it after she divorced Jake’s dad, encouraging her to move forward, reminding her that not all men would be in and out of her life. So she had listened, sort of, and moved forward…without really healing and shortly after remarrying, she began to seek the Voice more consistently.

It was just after marrying Peter that she had met the woman who became her honorary mom, a woman who had shown her unconditional love and had given her guidance through her wisdom-packed advice. Lacey knew instinctively that the timing of it all was not coincidental. In her pursuit for understanding, Lacey had gained knowledge and insight from several books on marriage as well as books on child a***e to help her work through her issues of abandonment. She had been determined to get it right, and yet, here she lay, stripped of all her pride, lost in a sea of disappointment and disillusionment, abandoned yet again.

“Oh, God, what am I going to do? Where are you now?” Lacey lay there and sobbed her way into a fitful sleep once again.

Disoriented, her pillow still wet from her tears, Lacey woke up to the Voice, almost as if it were coming from right next to her. It was so real she turned and looked to see who was there.

Isaiah 53:4.

Isaiah 53:4.She looked around her room, saw the clock on her nightstand, and was startled to see that it was already five o’clock. And then she heard it again: Isaiah 53:4. In the background, she heard the shrill sound of the telephone ringing. She couldn’t really distinguish how many times it rang, because she was still trying to understand what the Voice was saying. It seemed to get louder and louder, saying the same thing, Isaiah 53:4.

Isaiah 53:4. Isaiah 53:4. What the heck is “Isaiah 53:4? she asked herself. The phone stopped ringing just as she got up and made her way downstairs. She headed for her bookcase in the office. She didn’t remember where she had last seen it, but she knew what she was looking for. She scanned the books on the shelves and opened up the doors to the enclosed part of the bookcase. She scanned from left to right on one shelf and then the bottom shelf. There it was, way in the back. She reached for it and pulled out the dust-covered Bible, her Women’s NIV Daily Devotional Bible. It had been such a long time since she had read anything in it, and she didn’t even know if there was such a thing as “Isaiah 53:4” in there, but it was worth a try.

What the heck is “Isaiah 53:4?After wiping all the dust off, she opened it up to the table of contents, and as she ran her fingers down the books listed, her heart stopped. There it was, Isaiah. Her hands started to shake as she turned the pages, looking for the 53 and then the 4. What she read rendered her speechless: “Surely He carries all of your pain; He dries all of your tears.”