The Bartender

5

I’ve been called many names be it high school or work. There was drama queen, Ron-Ron, Veronica Harmonica, sass queen—the list goes on really but ‘Santa’s heavy sack of s**t’ was a first. And the person who had given me the lovely pet name was an arrogant son-of-a-rubber-duck Bartender who apparently was so kind (can you feel the sarcasm though)  to have brought me home, leaving his bar in the care of his Aunt who wasn’t too pleased after she found out her nephew had named the terrible drink after me. 

“Woman, pull yourself together and pray tell what floor you live on?” Judah enunciated every word slowly, causing me to roll in my eyes in vexation. Surprisingly, that was the only form of unspoken response I could manage perfectly being drunk as hell. “I’m drunk, not deaf.” I hissed irritably, smacking his square on the forehead with my palm. 

Judah’s pupils dilated in surprise-aftershock. That’s for naming a drink after me. “What the hell was that for?”

“Ah sorry, I thought I saw a mosquito somewhere.” I lied. “Aunt Veronica, Mister Judah looks pretty mad at you.” Max chimed in, poking my leg. “Oh honey he isn’t mad, he just has a hard time exercising his taut facial muscles.”

“Woman, I swear to god I’ll…”

Well, looks like God wasn’t about to hear the last of his sentence because we were now interrupted by the building’s security. 

“Miss Kidman, are you alright? What’s happened to her? She’s as red as the chili my wife blends from scratch!” Cedric, the night guard rushed towards us as fast as his stubby feet could carry him. He was a nice Hispanic man with a hairdo that’s somewhat atrocious for a 70-year old but who am I to judge? The only cool thing I had going on for me was the large range of cereal choices I had in the pantry of my kitchen and bobble head of Steve Martin. 

“Miss Kidman is rather drunk and seems to have lost the use of her legs, oh yes, weighs like a whale too. Hello, I assume you’re the security for the building what with that outfit and baton in hand?” Judah asked gruffly, maybe it was because of all the added weight of my drunken self that was leaning against him. Not very attractive now are we, Ronnie?

“Yes Sir, but I’m not sure if I can reveal what floor Miss Kidman lives on—security policy, especially not when she’s… oh even her shoe’s missing.”

I looked at my one bare feet and sighed deeply. “Fuc—furry bunnies.” I stopped myself for the sake of Max being around us. “That was my favorite pair.”

“We live on the 20th floor Mister.” Max interjected, trying to make sense of Cedric’s hair color probably before turning to a relieved Bartender. “A kid just tore through your security policy so I don’t think you have much of a choice but to let us right in. And don’t you worry, I’ll drop Miss Kidman and the kid and come right down.” He promised. Cece still didn’t look too convinced. 

“It’s okay Cece,” I reassured the elderly man, patting his arm. “This hunk isn’t a creep. We’re acquaintances.” I whispered before giggling thus earning myself an eye roll and a face palm from my little niece. “And will someone please get those lights out of my face, they’re way too bright.” I waved my hand carelessly in front of my face.

“If you had exercised better judgment tonight, you wouldn’t have to go through all these, Ronnie.” Judah added, earning a derisive snort from me. Max led the way—at least I’m sure it was her and not some jittery elf I’m imagining walking in front of us.

A soft ding went off, the elevator doors slid open and a familiar tune played somewhere beyond in the metal box. It took me a while for the song to register in my head, and then, I finally got it…

“Hey, I like this song!” I announced loudly. “No one asked.” Judah snapped and sighed deeply as he moved forward with me in his arms and reached for the elevator button. “Don’t worry about that kid, I got it.” Judah jabbed the key to the 20th after Max tried hopping for it.

“If you like piña coladas or getting caught in the rain, if you’re not into yoga, if you have half of a brain.” I swayed from side to side, the arm I had around Judah’s neck pulled him along with me, swaying like those spineless wild grass in an open field. He let out a strangled noise whilst saying, “Well, you sure did take the words from my mouth in that second half of those lyrics.”

“If you like making lo—” a hand clamped quickly against my mouth. “Mind you Miss Kidman, we have a minor in our midst. I don’t intend to be the one explaining the birds and the bees anytime soon since you’re too drunk to do it.” Judah whispered-hissed into my ear and grinned apologetically at Max. “I don’t like bees. I got stung once and I cried all day.” Max answered sulkily, sticking herself next to Judah’s pant leg.

Judah didn’t push her away like I thought he would.

I silently watched the three of us in the reflection of the mirrors. A child with a side of her pigtail undone, a man with the most gorgeous jawline yet overly exaggerated scowl which made him look like the grinch and a woman who was missing a boot paired with a bird’s nest she called hair was still swaying, singing in a muffled voice of the rest of the song.

We resembled a dysfunctional, mismatched family.

The gruesome wait in the metal box finally came to an end and I could feel myself gagging uncontrollably— I need to throw up ASAP.

“Wait right here.” Judah said. “I just want to make sure the kid gets in bed, its way past her bedtime.”

I nodded and said no more as I bounded for the toilet and puked my guts out and groaned a bunch of incoherent words before I leaned my cheek against my limp arm, dozing off.

I think I was in the bathroom for a good measure of time before the grouchy looking Bartender came back in. “God damn it Barney, you might as well pass me the instruction manual to handle this crazy woman, I swear—no, do not put your hand into the toilet woman…fucking hell…” Judah grabbed both my arms and placed them behind my back just before I fell face first into the toilet, giving myself a royal flush in my own home.

Bluekkkkkkk….

“Is it too late now…” I hiccupped. “To say sorry?” 

Judah glared hard at me and breathed out calmly. I had just thrown up on his leather jacket. “I don’t think an apology will cut it this time. Oh god woman, you reek of puke and irresponsibility.” He removed his jacket and tossed it aside, helping me get up. 

I had a good look at the tattoo at the crook of Judah’s elbow once he tossed his leather jacket aside—it was a symbol I did not recognize nor know about. Believe it or not, I’d know a thing or two about symbols especially when I’d see them in all the floor plans I go through daily.

“You have yourself and the sweaty old lady to thank for. Are you sure you didn’t mix poison in mine because I had a feeling you did so.” My head fell backwards but I felt something large and warm supporting my neck. “Don’t you blame it on my drink when you had way one too many shots without me looking.  What you need are a change of clothes, so stay right here.”

“I don’t want to. I want to sleep.” I said irritably.

He hoisted me up on the sink and allowed me to lean my head against the side of the marbled wall.

“I wasn’t asking. Now sit here and do not move.” He ordered and went right out again. My eyes could barely open and I could feel the onslaught headache with all that pounding on my skull. How many shots have I had? I lost count. Damn the sweaty old lady. 

All at once, I was angry and embarrassed at myself. The one night I took Max out and it ended in a disaster and if Kat—my sister ever found out, I knew I was good as dead. I was 25 and I was still afraid of my big sister. “What is wrong with me?” I asked, rubbing furiously at my eye with the back of my hand. 

“Alright, I got you new clothes. Hands up and don’t worry, my eyes are shut. Although there isn’t anything I’ve not seen before.” He mumbled the last part but his eyes were shut just like he promised. I twisted my lips in irritation and did as told.  In exactly 10 seconds, I could feel my upper torso feeling all warm and snug. Water gushed out of the tap and a glass cup was filled. “I grabbed some Advil from your cabinets, seems like you’re always prepared for things like these.”

“It hardly ever happens, so don’t worry about it.” I defended. “Sure.” Judah said, prying open my clenched fingers and dropped 2 tablets in them and the cup in the other. Water gushed from the tap once again and my face was dabbed clean with a warm towel. 

“This doesn’t look like your first rodeo.” I said thoughtlessly. He made a non-committal noise at the back of his throat, moving the damp towel under my neck. “I’m putting all these on your tab, call it whatever you like. That way you don’t owe me any favors.” 

“Say if you did offer services like such, I’d say you’d make pretty good money.” I drawled, my head fell backwards but Judah held my head firmly before casting me a disapproving look. “I don’t need money. I’ve got enough of it.” He answered curtly.

“It was merely a suggestion.” I hiccupped and covered my mouth immediately. My eyes dropped to his left hand that was beside my thigh and I happened to realize the faint uneven tan line that told me a ring used to be in its place. Despite being 40% alert, I had a gut feeling that this man was married before.

“If you’re able to bombard me with all these meaningless questions, it’s clear as day that you’re all sobered up so I assume you can walk yourself right up to bed and I’ll just see myself out.” He said composedly as he helped me down the sink and ushered me out of the door like a kindergarten teacher getting rid of the little brats at dismissal period. 

“Why are you so mean to me?” I suddenly asked. The question had been on my mind the second I walked into the bar. Look, I very well know there would be a number of nasty people that you meet or encounter every other day but yet sometimes, out of curiosity I wonder what had caused them to act that way. 

Humanity stinks.

“I don’t even know you but yet you’re extremely nasty towards me. Have we…perhaps met somewhere before this? Maybe I had cut your cue at Starbucks or maybe tripped you over by accident at the park?”

Judah stopped in his tracks just as he was leaving my room. “Well then, riddle me this, do I owe it to anyone to be nice to them?” 

“Well, technically you don’t.” I shrugged earnestly. “But the thing is, you weren’t like this to any of your customers tonight which is something to think about. I’m starting to think you’re only like that when it comes to me—a complete stranger who happened to be friends with your deceased Uncle.”

“The only plausible reason I can give you regarding what you saw back at the bar was because I knew my hospitality could get something out of those people—that’s right, you guessed it, profit. But as for you, I don’t see why there’s any particular reason whatsoever that I should make ‘small talk’ whenever you drop by and I don’t expect you to do the same even after tonight. So do me a favor and perhaps not tell anyone what I did here for you tonight.” He smiled blandly. 

”Hm, I see. Well technically I wasn’t expecting you to be nicer to me even after tonight—you know, aside from the fact you brought me home and tucked my 3-year old niece into bed. I mean, if being an asshole is what you’re gonna go with, I totally respect that.”

Judah’s bland look slowly morphed into confusion as he tried to read me, as if waiting for me to start crying after the short little sentence I called a speech of defense while acting all tough. I sniffed, blinking the sleep out of my eyes as I went on. “My point is, at least you’re not hiding the fact that you’re a pompous, egotistical, disrespectful t**t, you don’t even pretend to be someone you’re not. You were honest about who you are and I appreciate that.”

“Great, I’m glad that we reached a mutual understanding.” He said, turning back around once again, ready to leave.

“Course, your act of kindness really says otherwise. I can’t help but wonder if you’re all talk but deep down you’re a real softie.” I lifted and threw the heavy duvet covers from my bed so I could get on the mattress. My feet were beginning to kill me.

“You were hammered as hell and started talking about your architecture floor plans to a couple of burly bikers which I assume should only remain private and confidential, especially when it’s about your next big project your company is working on.”

Shit, I did what?

“Like you said, they were bikers. They wouldn’t understand a single thing nor pay attention to a crazy intoxicated woman with a lousy drink named after her. Although, not to contradict your words or anything, but if you didn’t care, you could have left me with Cece at the lobby, he could have very well brought me back in here himself, possibly spare yourself from my guts getting thrown out on you.”

“I said I didn’t care, not heartless. Besides, you had a kid with you and one of us had to be responsible!” he argued, striding back towards my bed.

“A kid that you had me bring to a bar on a weekday.” I challenged him.

“You could have not shown up for all I care.” 

“And deny an invite from a friend? That would be impolite. Ah, but what do you know about common courtesy?” I tapped my chin and pondered thoughtfully.

He hovered just above me with his palms pressed on the either side of the pillow I was getting comfortable on, looking mildly pleased with something I did not know about. “I know a lot about being courteous, missy, I’m just not quite sure if you’re ready to take it all in at once.”

Are we still talking about manners or something else?

“Selective courtesy is what you have.”

I was acutely aware of the sudden closeness and proximity between us. The alcohol was really starting to kick in and I could feel a familiar ache in between my legs which I had tried to ignore in the last few months. Damn it. I swear, the fact that he was smirking now meant that he knows what he—a mere stranger—could do to me but there was no way in hell I would ever, EVER let him get near me. 

“You’re pretty smart mouthed for a woman.”

“And you’re a do-gooder despite that devil-like façade you put on every time we meet.”

His piercing gaze bore straight into mine, as if searching for something that would give myself away but to my surprise, he rose once again to his full height—a staggering 6 foot I assume and pressed his lips into a thin line. That was a look I came to recognize once he had done his deducing.

Yeah, I’m positive that he knew just exactly where I wanted his hands to be. 

“You know nothing about me Veronica. So don’t assume what you don’t know.”

“I didn’t assume. I saw it with my own eyes. You know what they say, seeing is believing. The least you could do was admit to it.” I stated firmly. He didn’t answer but strode towards the door once again, flicking the light switch off with his back turned towards me. The lights from outside drew a pretty silhouette around his tall frame.

“Then would you admit that you’re soaking where you’re not supposed to be for a pompous, egotistical, disrespectful t**t?”