The Bartender

15

There were many instances in my lifetime I wanted to smack myself in the head for being or doing something stupid—this was one of the many. As I sat there on top of the toilet bowl glaring hard at the marbled tiling in front of me, I couldn’t help but replay the scene as if it were plucked out of some cheesy romance novel except there was no exchange of confessions followed by a toe-curling kiss that potentially changes the statuses of two individuals.

Judah told me he had fallen for me without so much as blinking, laying his feelings on a platter for me and all I did was opt for the only escape route I could think of. I cupped my face in my hands and ran them across my forehead, letting out a small whimper.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this nervous, nauseous even. There were no butterflies in the pit of my stomach, there was no excitement but fear. I was afraid.

And let me tell you why.

I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks. I hadn’t dated or been with anyone in the last few years because I was afraid of taking chances and risk getting heartbroken once more.

People always say to just live in the moment and love your hardest when you’re in love, but some also say to use your head and not only your heart. Because the heart acts rashly, careless even in many given moments and it ends up ruining all the hard work and effort you have put in to guard it from having it broken and bruised.

The last relationship I had broke entirely and it was something I have never spoken to anyone about. The break-up sucked the life out of me; I had zero to no appetite, I had the worst case of insomnia that went on for weeks. There were times where I found it hard to breathe because I was crying so much, I got panic attacks in the middle of the day, at work. His disappearance made me wonder if I had single-handedly destroyed the relationship I had once treasured.

For the longest time, I used to think that there was something wrong with me and that I was never good enough for him or anyone else, for that matter.

It took me some time to get back on my own two feet and to tell myself I was enough. I read many books, I’ve listened to hours and hours of podcasts. I even started running (though I hated it) and doing strength training because sore, well-worked muscles became therapeutic—the more energy I exerted on my muscles, I forgot the emotional pain I was in.

I healed.

Surely, I must have learned a thing or two now before I ever gave my heart out once more. Love is a tricky thing—it’s not merely an emotion, it’s much more than just what you feel. There’s no sunshine and rainbows, you don’t glow or sparkle when you feel that emotion. You think you’re on cloud nine for sure, but that’s temporary before you figure out love’s colossal meaning.

Put it this way, I’ve learned that love is patient and kind. It does not boast and it’s not self-seeking, it keeps no record of wrongs.

It’s overwhelming and it can’t be shown merely through words. It took me a long time to acknowledge that not everything in my life is meant to be a beautiful s********e endings are rather disappointing.

That is why I opted for an escape when I was told all this earlier. At that very moment, despite the brief wave of emotions, I had not solidified my feelings in any way. Sure, there were many instances when I wanted to kiss him and do so much more. I was even frustrated because I was trying to figure out why he was doing what he was doing.

But then again, the indelible trauma and hurt—the logical part of me was yelling at me to hold it out a bit longer, to give us some time. I was doing myself a favour, to prevent ancient scars and wounds from reopening. I was doing him a favour too in case he thought letting me know about his feelings was all a bad idea.

Just this once, I was putting myself first. It was a good kind of selfish.

“You okay in there?” the muffled voice said through the door, jarring me out of a recollection of the past.

“I’ll be right out in a sec!” I quipped.

I flushed the bowl for extra effect and washed my hands whilst watching my reflection in the mirror as I let the cold tap water run through my soap-lathered hands. I wasn’t exactly ready to talk about it yet, but I knew I owed Judah some sort of explanation for my abrupt disappearance. It was only right to do so.

Pushing down the handle of the bathroom door, I hopped out of the room with my good leg. Sure enough, he was already there by the door waiting for me with an arm extended out. Despite the hesitancy, I took his offered arm anyway and he led me carefully and patiently to the lounge area of the master room, intentionally avoiding the bed altogether.

After having me seated comfortably on the couch, he took the seat from me. I grabbed a cushion nearby and toyed with the tassels sewn on the edges, hoping it’d distract me from the thoughts of the recollection of my past. The uncomfortable air hung thickly around us—the silence became eerily deafening.

Judah cleared his throat before clasping his hands in front of him with forearms resting on either side of his legs. “I’m sorry, I should have put in a considerable amount of thought before I said those things to you.”

“You don’t have to apologize for telling me what you feel, Judah, but I’m sorry if my reaction caused you to think otherwise. I’m not really good at this.” I admitted, my stomach flooded with a wave of molten panic.

He had an inscrutable yet calm expression on his face, it seemed as if he was pondering over my words, wondering whether he should fight to apologize for the whole thing again. His calculations probably made him decide against it. “I wasn’t hoping to hear an immediate answer from you. It was never my intention to make you uncomfortable. I guess what I really wanted you to know, that’s exactly what I feel or have been feeling about you.”

“Can I be honest with you?” My fingers wrapped around the tassels, hoping it’d give me some form of support while I spoke. He nodded, “Anything.”

“You did take me by surprise, but I assure you, it’s not for the wrong reasons, Judah.” I said in a small voice. His shoulders dropped to signal relief. For all I know, that poor man could be holding his breath whilst slightly beating himself up silently.

“I don’t find it difficult to be able to love someone,” I continued. “I know what I said—that I have given up on love indefinitely and at some point, in my life, I really meant it. It wasn’t like I swore that I’d never love anyone else again, but I did say to myself if I were to ever love someone, I’d do it whole-heartedly. I want to be able to give that person my one hundred percent. You and I—we are two broken individuals who have been scarred terribly. Every little thing I do from here and now is proceed-with-caution. It’s going to take some time for me to process all of this with all seriousness and I’m afraid I can’t exactly reciprocate my feelings right now.”

He paused, eyes staring at a distance while he processed everything I had just said. As far as I’m concerned, I wasn’t afraid if he left. I think I was more afraid if my actions hereafter betrayed my heart after all I had just said to him. It’s easy to let someone in on your feelings, that is if you’re bold enough to do so, but what you do to sustain that relationship is entirely a different thing.

“As broken as we both are, I’m sure at some point healing has taken its place. When my ex-wife left, that gave me a lot of time to reflect, not only on the relationship but the way I was living my day-to-day life where my ex-wife was hardly included in the picture. It was one of the most difficult seasons of adulthood for me. I was determined to make things work but she told me she was happy with someone else and I wasn’t about to force my love on her just because I had figured it all out.”

“So then, how did you cope?” I asked softly.

“I told myself to limit my expectations to prevent disappointments before I even met her for the last time. Believe me, we men do reflect on our actions rather differently and slowly, but reflection isn’t always a priority on our list when we mess up—some of us have the emotional intelligence of a celery and we do everything else to avoid talking about it. You’ve got to give credit to the ones who do it because they genuinely want to do better.

Tears brimmed at the corners of my eyes and I felt all sorts of emotions. It’s times like these I have to remind myself that people do have their own battles to fight, demons to face. Just because someone puts up a strong front doesn’t mean they’re not crumbling on the inside. The tough ones are doing the best they can to hold it all together because they know at the end of every storm, there’s a rainbow.

**

It was a week since Judah and I had a sit-down talk about our feelings that night. I remember we talked about many things for hours but eventually, the day came to an end. He helped me get to bed after I had washed up, made sure I was okay, and left that same night. The following days, he left work every few hours and got around to making me my meals although I insisted that I was perfectly capable of doing them on my own.

He just wanted to make sure I wasn’t straining my leg by walking around too much and he also knew I was as stubborn as mule when it came to obeying orders.

Max came to visit for a couple of hours each day and she was elated to see Judah over at our place. He’d spend some time with her on her homework, watch Peppa pig—that obnoxiously exasperating talking creature as he calls it, and play tea-party with her.

It was absolutely entertaining watching them both all huddled up together with Max’s plush toys seated obediently around the table clinking teacups with pinkies pointing outwards, the grown man was made to wear a cape that was a towel around his neck and a plastic tiara on his perfectly blown dry hair (she calls him her royal Superman). He’d never forgive me if he knew I snapped a photo of him and sent it to Jackie.

We never did bring up the conversation we had the other night. It was considered an off-limits topic and I suppose we would talk about it only when we were ready. For now, things felt normal, nothing he did made me question once if he was overdoing it with any hidden motives. Judah was still Judah—mildly sarcastic but a hundred percent charming.

The weekend came all too soon and I was packing for our overnight camping trip. Max told me and Judah one afternoon when she got home from school, that all the other kids were going on long holidays with their parents, but when she was asked where she was going, Max told her teacher she was staying home.

Feeling like a bad parent, I then carelessly suggested that we could all take a trip somewhere, and when I meant we, I had included Judah without giving it too much thought. That’s when Max asked if we could go camping. I wasn’t sure where she had learnt that word and I highly doubt she knew what camping was either. I remember Judah whispering to me that she must have picked it up from one of the kids.

He was quick to jump in on the idea and that same afternoon, the two of them headed to Patagonia to pick up some camping gear and would stop for ice cream afterwards.

“Judah! Have you packed Max’s blankie?” I called from downstairs. “I have it folded in the backpack! What about that hot water flask? She’ll need it later for her milk formula.”

“Yeap, I've already left it in the car.”

Jackie was snickering as she slammed the fridge door shut after arranging the juice bottles she got me. “What?” I said flatly, cutting the last of the sandwiches into two neat halves and aligning them nicely in the Tupperware. “You two are giving off the new parents vibe its so sickeningly sweet.” She squealed as quietly as she could.

“Will you please knock it off?” I hissed, looking over my shoulder to make sure Judah wasn’t anywhere close by. Jackie came by my place early this morning to drop off the adult camping chairs that we borrowed since Patagonia was all out of them. Was it camping season at this time of the year?

“What? I’m really happy for you.” She shrugged. I looked at her, surely enough, she wasn’t teasing. I leaned against the kitchen counter and stared into space, letting out a quiet sigh.

“You’ve had the toughest year Ronnie,” she explained, squeezing my arm comfortingly. “Having to adapt with an insane amount of change happening at all once, hiding your emotions just to put on a brave face for everyone…Not many people are able to handle your situation like a champ and I’m glad that you did not push me away despite the pain you were going through. I’m glad that good things are happening to you because you deserve it and there is nothing wrong with being at a good place like the one you’re in now.”

“Do you think…” I trailed, turning my attention towards her now. “Do you think my sister would be okay if I carried on with

life?” I said quietly.

“Oh honey.” Jackie reached for me and took me in her embrace. I stood there limply, my chin resting on her shoulder while she

soothed my back. “Katherine would want you to continue with life as you know it. Your life doesn’t simply stop just because she’s passed. If anything, she’d want you to move on with Max and be happy being in each other’s company. Katherine loved you more than anything else in the world. I think her actions proved more than her words and love through actions triumphs it all. I’m sure,

like every older sibling, she’d want you to do what makes you happy, even if that means moving on.”

“Thank you for saying so.” I mumbled onto her shoulder, leaning on my cheek, and sniffled as a tear ran loose. “You’re doing so well Ronnie, I’m so proud of you. We all are.” She reassured me with one last squeeze with her arms. I let out a humourless laugh and nodded.

“Aunt Ronnie! Let’s go! I want to go camping!” Max’s cheery voice echoed through the stairs; small footsteps followed by larger ones coming down the wooden steps. I quickly wiped the stray tears with the sleeve of my jumper.

Jackie took a step back and smiled before turning around and helping me pack the Tupperware into the heat-insulated food bag. “Max’s all packed. Ronnie, you ready to go?” Judah asked.

“Yeah.” I chirped, zipping up the last zip-lock bag containing some of Max’s favourite crackers to munch on just in case she got snacky in the car ride there.

“Have a great time you guys! Take some pictures for me, will you?”

“We will Aunt Jackie!”

Bidding our goodbyes, Judah strapped Max’s baby seat into the four-wheel drive he had rented for the weekend. My eyes found the rear-view mirror and smiled instantly as Judah slammed the trunk shut. He was wearing a dark hoodie with dark washed jeans, his unkempt hair gave him a boyish charm which had me staring more than usual. He looked so laidback and relaxed.

It took him less than five seconds to get into the driver’s seat from the trunk and started the engine, but not before he made sure Max had her favourite blankie in her arms. “Do you want me to key in the location on the GPS?” I said.

“Thank you but I already have that set up on the drive here.” He quipped.

I smiled. It was one of his traits that I appreciated. Judah always came prepared.

“What?” he asked, adjusting the rear-view mirror when he noticed my grin.

“You do know this is our first overnight trip outdoors together, right?”

“Well, I wasn’t the one who suggested that we do anything where sleepovers were included.” He said in a light tone. My jaw dropped and I rolled my eyes. “That was completely unintentional. I just thought, since we’re always cooped up in the house, it'd be nice with a change in scenery, if you must know.”

“I think it’s wonderful, Ronnie. It’s been a while since I’ve done anything with the people I love.”

That shut me up for a good second before turning away, red-faced. Judah must have realised what he said too, but he didn’t look like he was about to take back his words anytime soon.

It was more than a two-hour drive from what Judah told us. Max was rather chatty when she was excited, pointing at every single building, tree, scenery that we passed by on the drive there. From afar, the Washington Monument rested stoically at a distance and a little while later, we got a glimpse of the great white stone architecture of the Lincoln Memorial that was built in honour of the greatest president of the United States—Lincoln himself. To live in a country where the greatest once governed sparked some sense of pride within me.

In attempt to break the silence, Judah explained to us that we would need to hike a little to get to the campgrounds where we would get a close-up view of the waterfalls. Max was especially excited when Judah had mentioned we would be camping near a glacier covering an active volcano. Though I highly doubt Max knew what that meant initially, she started squealing when Judah had mentioned volcanoes erupting and spitting out hot lava.

Luckily for us, we were traveling lightly. So if it does erupt…

“Our family used to have this tradition where we camped out during Thanksgiving.” Judah began once Max drifted to sleep. “My father would get us packing all our camp gear and swimming trunks, then at night we’d have a barbecue with the juiciest beef patties and sausages sizzling over the grill—those were the highlights of my childhood.”

“My parents weren’t people who enjoyed the outdoors that much.” I admitted. “But we—my sister and I made the most out of it growing up.”

“Well, there’s a first time for everything. Today would be your first ever experience camping outdoors. Trust me I’ll make this trip one of your highlights in adulthood.”

The weather today was rather chilly and thank goodness I had wrapped Max with a little jumper and a vest over it pairing it with the cutest toddler sweats that Jackie got her.

Trees and greenery of all sorts surrounded the hike trail we were on, leaves and bushes rustled as the breeze blew past, dried leaves, rocks and pebbles of all shapes and sizes made crunching noises below our feet as we walked on them. Max had one hand each in ours as we made our way along the designated path towards the campsite, making up lyrics of her own song as she went. Judah seemed to enjoy it when he acted like a backup singer for our little rockstar.

The distant sound of lapping waters of a large stream signalled that our hiking trail would soon come to an end. With no more than fifty steps, Judah announced with pride that we had reached the camp site we would be camping on.

Past the vast bed of assorted wildflowers was endless greenery that dotted the mountains that stood beyond, birds aplenty chirped excitedly from every corner as another cool breeze blew past, the grass beneath our feet stretched out for hundreds of acres had the healthiest shade of green that matched the trees and what seemed like an endless gurgling stream parted the dry land.

It was like walking straight into a Monet with all your senses coming to life.

“My first camping trip with my family!” Max cheered as she detached her hands from ours and sprinted down the hiking trail with wobbly, tubby legs determined to see the outside world that was without skyscrapers and concrete buildings for the first time in her life.