What Could’ve Been

Surprise.

Jade

He looked comfortable, we had dated before he got his license and to see him driving was an experience I never thought I’d be riding shotgun to experience, he turned corners eith one hand on the wheel and had a calmness about him that he must’ve developed over the years. He had got taller, his shoulders were broader and his beard had grown out, I remembered telling him I could’nt wait to see what he looked like with one and the reality of it suits him. He’s gained weight, his arms are still muscular and dreamy to look at but overall he’s become a manlier verson of who I knew him as at sixteen. I didn’t know touching him could resemble being shocked by a defibrillator whilst conscious, the thought of how being called ‘darlin’ sounded coming off his tongue made my heart quicken its pace. I looked out the window as we drove down the highway and admired the paddocks I haven’t seen in what feels like a lifetime, how they’ve changed and what crops had painted them with colour. The drive was quiet until we turned through a gate that you’d miss if you weren’t looking for it, it was his mothers house when we used to run around which then raised the question ‘does your mum still live here?’ I asked, ‘No, I live here now’ he looked at me and repositioned his focus n the driveway. I wanted to ask why but now wasn’t the right time to dive into our family bullshit, it was about ‘us’ if there even was an ‘us’, I looked at the house reminiscing on all of the memories we made here, being fifteen and sixteen driving around in his mums car so we could make out. As we passed the shed and the house, I knew exactly where he was taking me, there was a small hill not far from the house and it offered the perfect view of the farmland surrounding his, when he had found a spot he liked the car stopped and everything became quiet. ‘So what did you want to talk to me about?’ I asked trying to contain the curiosity I had ‘Jade, I have been trying to find you in every girl I dated, I was young and when you moved it was enough for me to be done, I didn’t know how I was going to do it without you or when I would see you again. There were so many unanswered questions and I felt an array of emotions, so i ran’ I had moved to Sydney to study at culinary school, I had dropped out in year ten because my grades were drastically decreasing and I had been given the ultimatum to improve or leave, so I left, but hearing the pain behind his words brought to life that tears I’ve been fighting so hard to hide all day. He continued ‘I never wanted to hurt you, I was hurting too, I called you for days afterwards and left voicemails because I regretted it and I wanted you back, when they all went unanswered I figured you were done, so I had no choice but to move on’. I was full of mixed emotions, my eyes began to sting from the tears I wasn’t allowing to all, I was somewhere between anger and rage, I stared at my coffee cup as his words continued ‘there wasn’t a day I didn’t think about you or crave you, I walked off that field wanting to run to you, I wanted you whilst I had someone else in my arms and the realisation that it wasn’t you I was holding sent me into a mix of emotions I can’t even describe’. Every word he said ripped open a new scar I had spent four years working desperately to bandage and heal, all that work was undone in the matter of five minutes and the thought of what i went through to get where I am caused me to snap ‘what the f**k did you expect Jay? I left to build a career whilst you took that as an opportunity to go and f**k anyone and everyone, I have your so called ‘mates’ messaging me and filling me in on what and who you were doing, the only time I ever heard from you was when you wanted s*x, not only was I being f*****g used but you made it clear that position in your life was in the past’. Jay turned to stare out the window, I saw first hand the impact my words had on him, I didn’t know what else to do so I sipped on my coffee and looked out the window, I had imagined this conversation a thousand times in my head but not at any point did I imagine it would go like this. I felt a hand on my face turning me to look at him, those eyes I fell so madly in love with were staring straight into mine ‘I know you’re mad Jade, but I really f*****g needed you. I might have put on a good show for everyone pushing them to believe I was done with you, but everytime everything felt like it was falling apart the only person I wanted was you’. I looked away from his receiving his words and realising that the way I always imagined this would feel isn’t what I’m feeling now, ‘I don’t know what you want me to say’ were the only words I could let escape my lips, he took a deep breathe ‘just trust me’ he said, I turned to face him but his eyes were already examining me, taking in all of my features, he didn’t care that I noticed what he was doing, but did he notice the weight his words carry?. ‘Let me spend more time with you and get to know you again, let me prove myself to you and we can take this at whatever speed you want, just trust me’, I sighed pondering his question and debating whether I was willing to sign myself up for a second round of heartbreak, I couldn't trust him and I have never felt the way that he made me feel that night. In reality, I had nothing to lose. ‘okay’ I said, he smiled and I looked out the window knowing there’s a chance I’ll wish I kept it under lock and key and full of regret that I ever let it slip. Jay drove me home, when we reached the driveway to my house Jay’s voice broke out in surprise ‘do you live here?’ ‘yes’ i said, ‘why?’ ‘It’s a nice place’ ‘It would want to be for what it cost’ I said with a smirk as I stepped out of his ute. I made my way to the front door fumbling around in my pockets for the key, as I unlocked the door Jay was right behind me, i gestured for him to enter and watched him and he looked around my house, wearing an expression I’m assuming was surprise, I leaned up against the door soaking in the sight before me, I never thought of all people Jay would be in my house.

Jay

Jade’s house was like stepping inside her mind, her house was spacious and carefully designed, she has always loved art and she had it displayed all over her walls. The first floor was an open layout, the kitchen, living room and dining room all fell in the same space with half walls used as a divide. The kitchen was a replica of something you’d find in a classy French restaurant, dark oak stained wooden benchtops accompanied by black cabinetry and a gold sink to match the handles. She had a marble island bench which hugged two bar stools underneath, there was a cupboard tucked in the corner neatly holding all of her cookbooks. She had a ladder hung from the ceiling holding all of her pots and pans, her coffee machine tucked in the corner of the counter and the only dish that laid in her sink was a coffee mug. Seeing it made me smile. I looked out the window and noticed the view she wakes up to every morning, my admiration was interrupted by Jade walking out onto the patio to sit down, I followed her out there and I was overrun with jealousy, the kind that made me realise that I could see myself living here with her, calling this home and sitting in this exact spot watching our kids raise havoc in the backyard below. ‘What are you thinking about?’she asked looking up at me, I wanted to say making this our home but settled for ‘I feel like I just stepped inside your mind’, i might as well be honest with her. She smiled and looked away. "I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it and I knew this place had to be mine, so I made it happen’ I began to wonder how hard she’s had to work for everything she has. ‘What do you do for work?’ I asked her realising I actually don’t know a damn thing about her anymore, she looked at me as if she knew her answer was about to make me happy, a smile crept across her face as she said ‘I’m a gallery assistant’, I raised my eyebrows in utter shock ‘you work in an art gallery?’ ‘yes’ she said with a smile so bright it would make any bad day immediately into the best day of anyone's life ‘I was confused for a long time about what I wanted to do career wise in life, so I went to tafe and studied the courses required to become a gallery assistant, a job opened, i applied and I haven’t looked back. I love it’. Hearing that she had taken her passion and turned it into something more made me so happy for her. I had been chasing money when I picked my career but she chose what made her heart happy. ‘What do you do?’ her expression was leaking the curiosity within her, i looked away knowing she will see right through me, ‘I’m an electrician’ I turned back to face her and she one of her perfectly maintained eyebrows raised and a smile creeping on her lips, ‘what?’ I asked, genuinely curious at what smartass comment she was trying so hard to contain. ‘Are you really an electrician? Because you light up my whole day’, I burst out laughing, off all the things i’ve heard girls say I’d never come across that one. I leaned forward and she excitedly screamed and jumped up running down the ramp to the backyard, I was right behind her and grabbed her waist lifting her up, her real laugh came out and I suddenly wished someone was recording this moment, ‘I light up your day do I?’ I asked her whilst I gently put her down. She turned to face me, ‘I’m not sure yet’, I leaned down and brushed her cheek with my lips, her face was cold and her cheeks were turning pink, I was making her blush. I checked my phone, the screen lit up displaying the time,5:08PM. ‘I should get going’ I whispered. As we walked out the front to my ute I turned to face her as I jumped in, ‘you really have aged like fine wine mon tresor’, her eyes met her feet before she looked back at me ‘thank you’. The words rolled off her tongue like a sweet symphony and took me by pure surprise, she used to reject compliments, usually snapping back with a smartass response or quickly changging the subject. Now she appreciates it for what it is and moves on. ‘I guess I’ll see you around’ she says as she bites her bottom lip, ‘you’ll see me a lot sooner than you think, leve tomorrow night free’ She smiled and turned to walk away. I drove through town with a smile on my face, I felt something I hadnt since the first day I saw her, she was the quiet girl who kept her head down and tried her best to avoid the teachers attention, her hair was in a ponytail and she had a calmness about her. No one really knew who she was and it didn’t take me long to find out, I watched her in every class I had with her and slowly she became my new obsession. I’ve continued to watch her, which has made my plan easier, I stopped o get her favourite rum and some ingredients to cook her dinner