What Could’ve Been

Her

Jay

The second I stepped foot in her house I had remembered from last time she has frames everywhere, something told me she has finally hung her art and I made a mental note to check. Afetr she hurried off, I sat the bag and its contents on the islam bench, slowly making my way down th ehallway she disappeared down. I had seen her art at school, she would do art as an elective and always wanted my critique, when I realised she dosen’t ask unless she trust you enough to even look at it in any other state then perfect or completed, I started to pay more attention and give her my honest opinion. I hadn’t given it another thought for years, until now. I was speechless, not only has she seemed to have found her style but she has improved immensely. I stood staring at each one absorbing every line and detail before moving to the next. I slowly made my way to her office door and opened it, it creaked briefly causing her eyes to quickly find me in her peripheral vision before returning to their place. Her office wasn’t a large room, she had painted one wall black, and decorated it with a collage of items. Records, number plates with mustangs and their models printed on them, vintage harley davidson signs, gold frames with more art displayed in them and even a fender guitar. I found a black velvet chair in the corner of the room and sat down, she looked so beautiful focused on something she absolutely loves, her hair had been straightened allowing me to notice just how much it has grown. She sat in her chair with her legs crossed wearing a long, tight green dress. Green has always been her colour but I sat there imagining how it would look on the floor, how her hair would look wrapped around my fist as I whisper how I’m going to worship her. Just as my imagination begins to get interesting, she turns around in her chair, arms resting on either side on her as she leans back casually. That sight alone makes me weak. ‘Those drawings in the hallway, are they yours?’ I ask her already knowing the answer, I could never forget the signature mark she leaves on every single one, ‘yes’ she replies looking away. ‘I don’t know how long they took, but you Jade have a talent and you’re working in a place where they should be hung’, she looks at her computer pondering, I know what’s running through her mind, I know she always wanted to be an artist, to sit in a warehouse all day and create things people would fall in love with, she also wanted to tattoo which makes me wonder what happened with that. She looks back at me her eyes going wide as she gets up saying ‘let’s not talk about that’. I follow her out of the room and down the hallway, I’m checking her out when I notice her ass moving under that dress, I notice the outline of her thong and my mouth starts to water, the memory of me ripping it off her with my teeth creates a hest low in my stomach. If I keep looking at her she’s going to make me hard and there’s nothing I’ll be able to do about it. She makes her way out too the pation and I follow behind her, swiping the bag off the island bench in one swift movement.

We ate in silence before I noticed Jade staring at me, her eyes were glued to my arms, I was returning the favour and absorbing her features. ‘Remeber when you couldn’t do that in front of anyone?’ i remarked casually. ‘I stopped giving a f**k’ she replied witha mouth full of food, I couldn’t help but chuckle and when my eyes met hers she winked at me, i was speechless for aminute before I got the much needed reminder of her sassiness. The expression on my face made her smile ‘the attitude obviously wasn’t f****d out of you’, a strange sound escaped her lips, something between choking and coughing. A sly smirk former on her lips ‘you love a challenge’. I stared straight at her in a matter of seconds, I was starving for her touch, for her mouth to be on mine and to hold her again. We continued to eat in silence catching eachother passing glances but yet nether of us were ready to unleash the thoughts that were burning with desire. You’d think working with sparks i’d be able to recognise how the one between us never faded, as much as we’d pretend it had. Henever I saw her it took every ounce of my strength to not look at her, the d**k she had o her arm would’ve had something to say if he ever caught me staring but she was smart about it and I caught the glances she would throwmy way. Now that hidden spark has the power to be free and yet here we are still holding back. We finished eating, ‘thank you’ was all she said as she stood to take the bag back inside, I sat there for a moment longer wondering what was going through that mind of hers, apart from shock and a million questions. f**k it, I went inside to find hr standing over the sink washing dishes slowly as her gaze was focused on something outside, she was deep n thought and I could’nt help but to get comfortable against the door frame and watch her. Her hair fell down to her lower back, the longest i’d ever seen it, that dress was enough to send any man to their knees, she really had grown into her beauty. The urge to touch her came over me and all I could do was walk over slowly and wrap m arms around her waist. She turned and her arms wrapped around my neck, she needed to hug me and I wasn’t planning on letting go anytime soon. I moved so my lips were against her neck, she smelled of roses and something sweet, I stayed there for what felt like hours trying to encapture her scent so i could onto it forever. I moved my hand to her hair gently grabbing a fist full, I pulled her closer to me trying to be careful with her. ‘Don’t you have to get back to work?’ I couldn’t help but smirk, ‘I actually took the rest of the day off’, she instantly broke away from me playfully hitting her fist against my chest. ‘Why?’ she asked, ‘I wanted to spend as much time with you as I could’ a smile slowly crept across her face as she rolled her eyes, her eye roll was the sexiest ting she could do, it’s alwys had an effect of me and it still does. ‘Go and get ready’ she bit her lip and disappeared down the hallway, i wanted until she was put of sight to throw my head back, this girl os going to be the death of me.

Jade

I started searching for clothes remembering how fifteen year old me would go through eight different outfit changes to make sure I looked perfect for him. Twenty year old me has well and truly run out of f***s to give so I settled for grey sweatpants and a fitted black t-shirt, I slipped into my nike airforces, put on some concealer and rolled my eyes as I passed the mirror. I’ve definitely looked better, regardless I walked back into the kitchen to find Jay leaning against the door frame staring out at the view with the same adoration I must express, he slowly turned to face me, looking me up and down in one take ‘perfection’ was the only thing he said as he grabbed his keys. He opened the front door gesturing for me to walk through before following close behind me, he pulled his work boots on and headed toward his ute. As we drove through the streets we used to run around, I started wondering why I came back and he never left. My thoughts were interrupted when Jay asked ‘do you want to play some music?’ handing me his phone, I took it whilst giving him a small smile in return. I thought of what song to play and decided on Missin’ her ply by Ian Munsick, I stared out the window listening to the words when Jay looked at me and said ‘sing’ which quickly made me wonder what else he remembers, I used to be good at it but I never did it in front of anyone except him, I shook my head ‘I don’t know how’ ‘Bullshit, you used to do it whilst on the phone to me all the time’ ‘I can’t anymore’ ‘I don’t believe you’ he snapped back raising an eyebrow.

We soon pulled into his driveway, this time we pulled up out the front of his house, it was exactly how i remembered it. We made our way inside, the familiar smell overwhelming me as he headed for the kitchen whilst I made my way to the lounge room, i knew exactly what I was searching for and it wasn’t long before I found it. A photo of him when he was younger sat in the same spot his mum had placed it, he would’ve been no more than three years old, a little boy sat happily in his nappy with chocolate smeared all over his face, a cheeky smile behind it. I picked it up and smiled, tracing my hands gently over the glass, i was convinced this photo would only ever be a memory, seeing it again made everything feel real, it was when the realisation dawned on me, this is what we could’ve been. Living in this house together, having grown up together and built a life together. Jay came in and immediately realised what I was holding, he shook his head as he smiled ‘I’m going to take a shower’, in a matter of seconds he was gone. I sat on the couch and heard the water turn on, every part of me wanted to go in there, I wanted to see him for who he was in this exact momen in time, I wanted to engulf myself in him, instead I pushd the thoughts down as far as they would go. Instead I looked around wondering how he ended up living here and wondering what he felt like living in this house all alone. Time passed quikr than I thought, I didn’t hear the water turn off, I felt eyes on me and turned to meet Jay’s gaze, his hand was leant against the door frame, he was covered in water droplets with a towel tucked around his waist, the fuckr knew exactly what he was doing and he wore a smirk whilst doing it. I let my eyes roam, not giving a f**k if he realised, I traced his shoulders with my eyes and worked them down, he’s definitely broader and gained more muscle, he moved over to a pile of clothes on the armchair in the corner and grabbed a pair of jeans, leaving his towel on he managed to put thm on. He pulled his towel off whilst his eyes were locked on mine. I wanted him, a flood of emotion washed over me in a matter of seconds, the angel in my ear was screaming at me not to whilst the devil was reminding me of how many times I craved his touch, how I would imagine someone elses hands to be his even though they would never compare, I was ready to run to him, to feel his body against mine and hold him. I knew he wanted me too and in this moment I’ve never been moe sure of anything. ‘f**k it’ I said as I got up and made my way over to him with more pace than anticipated, I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him. Our lips crashed into eachother and suddenly four years of swallowed desire began to rise, his hands tangled themselves in my hair, mine moved to hold the back of his neck, or tongues were meeting eachother again for the first time. It didn’t take long for his hands to find my thighs and lift me up, I instinctively wrapped my legs around him letting him know the sin we were currently committing wasn’t going to end just yet. He walked backwards pushing me up against the door frame, my hands moved to his shoulders, squeezing them gently a moan escaped his mouth travelling into mine. I moved my hands into his hair gently pulling his head to the side, my mouth slowly kissing his neck, if he was going to tease me I was going to do it right back, his hands gripped my thighs tighter, he was hungry for more and so was I, I didn’t know I was starving until this very moment. ‘I need to get dressed’ he said though heavy breaths ‘unless you don’t want me to’, a wave of heat instantly began to flood low in my stomach causing me to cross my legs, Jay’s eyes darted down, he definitely just felt that, he raised and eyebrow waiting for an answer as his hands dug into my thighs harder. ‘Let’s take this slow’ as much as I wanted him so much had already happened and I was still trying to make snse of it all, ‘ok baby’ he gently put me down, his eyes still focused on my crossed legs. We sat on the back deck looking over the paddock, cars and trucks were driving down the main road out of sight, I sat there wrapped in a blanket Jay had given me wondering where they were headed, I questioned if this was what we could’ve been, ‘what are you thinking about?’ he asked, ‘Do you think we would still be in this exact moment if we stayed together?’ He looked down with a puzzled expression thinking about what answer he was going to give, we were both silent for a moment before Jay looked up, taking a deep breath ‘I think we needed to break up so we could discover the parts of ourselves we never would’ve found staying together, we were young jade and we were stupid. We were two kids who were planning a future we didn’t know the logistics of. Just because we didn’t work out then dosen’t mean we won’t now’ he replied. I sat there taking in his words, his point of view was one I had never made time to consider but it made sense, that was enough for me to know that every emotion

That was enough for me to know that every emotion coursing through my veins he was feeling on some level too. We sat there trying to keep a hold on our feelings and temptations, using whatever strength we could gather not give in to our desires, we both felt the tension but it was too early to break it. ‘Why do you always wear black?’ Jay asked with an expression covered in curiosity, ‘I don’t know, it suits me I guess, why do you always wear farm clothes?’ ‘You know the answer to that’ he said as he playfully pushed his shoulder into mine ‘You only started wearing consistently when you came back’, I let his words sink in and snapped my eyes to see him looking down with a smug smirk on his lips. ‘How many times have you seen me since I’ve been back?’ I stared at him with a million questions flooding my brain, waiting for a response ‘A bit, I’ve spotted you around but I always made sure you didn’t see me, I knew you would avoid me and I wanted to watch you as you are’ I released the breathe I didn’t realise I was holding and began searching for a response. I didn’t have one. I was genuinely speechless, all those times I felt someone watching me and I shook of the feeling thinking it was the universe playing tricks on me. We sat there for what felt like hours, neither of us said a word, instead we held the occasional staring contest. The sky began to change, the sun making its daily retirement known by painting the sky an array of colours paint could never be the equivalent to. It’s rays hit us, Jay was surrounded by a glow and my eyes were filled with it’s warm, he was staring at me and I knew he was about to see right through me, I let him. ‘You’ve always had the most amazing eyes’ he said, the fact the sun made them turn gold was a treasure the brown saved for the sun and allowed no one to see, it was a brief moment but one that regardless of where tonight takes us I would always treasure.

Jay held out his hand and I took it as we stood up, he adjust the blanket around my shoulders and led me inside. We entered the kitchen as he let go of my hand to grab a barstool from the corner of the room and placing it in front of the island bench, he gestured for me to sit as he made his way around the kitchen grabbing all sorts of items, ‘you hungry?” he asked, ‘i could eat’ He smiled and immediately I knew he was up to something, he sat a chopping board on the bench in front of me along with some of the items he’d grabbed and began working away. He looked at me and I met his gaze ‘Tell me abot sydney’ he said, ‘that’s a llong story’ i said looking away, ‘then it’s a good thing i have all the time in the world’ ‘have you got any alcohol?’ i asked ‘if im going to talk about one of the hardest times of my life im going to need something stong’ he walked over to the fridge and returned with two cans of smooth rum in hand, I looked at him smiling ‘Iknow it’s your favourite’. It looks like someone’s been paying more attention to me than i realised. ‘Well you already know the start of it, after we broke up I cut my hair ridiculously short as a ‘f**k you’, I regretted it. I loved culinary school, but being the youngest there meant I had more to prove, I made friends both at the place i lived and worked, and at school, the group I became apart of at school ended up being the ones i didn’t know i needed in my life, we hangout in the city any chance we got which usually resulted in trying new restaurants and buy brand new outfits because we forgot to take clothes to change into. I walked around that city looking for you or looking beside me wondering if you were seeing what i was seeing too’. Jay quietly rustled around the kitchen wearing a puzzled expression so he could listen and absorb my every word, i sipped on my drink and continued ‘I felt alone in a place full of people. Living in a dorm situation where my place of work was literally just downstairs was difficult, living with people i also worked with compared nothing short to a f*****g nigtmare. It was like a cult disguised by the church, they were all catjolic and it made me seem to be singled out, not only because i wasn’t religious but because of where i came from and how i spoke. I didn’t know the city that well and most of the time I walked around on my own because all of my friends were working and on a different schedule.’ This made Jay look at me with an expression that made his face drop, I took a sip of my drink and let it sink in. ‘The people I lived and worked with started getting nasty towards me so when I thought I actually had a friend there we started talking about moving out, I would walk to the dining room to have dinner and everyone would stop what they were doing and look at me, eventually i just started taking food to my room or stopped eating all together to avoid them. Maccas turned into my bank account or otherwise i would find an excuse to go out to eat’. Jay was standing over the stove, slowly stirring what he was cooking in the pot. ‘I din’t know how how to talk to anyone and the one girl I had became close with from the day I moved in there started telling the lady who ran the house, who was also my boss, things about my personal life that I had told her in confidence. I was walking back to my room late one night when I overheard them, I had slammed the door so hard that I probably woke up the whole house. I sat on my bed and cried because not only had i been backstabbed, I had no one to tell me i would get through it.’ Jay was quietly putting his concoction into bowls, before coming over and leaning on the bench facing me, I took a sip ‘The so called friend I thought I had there, along with the rest of the women who lived in the house were religious, go nto church every sunday type of religious, I had mae it clear fromthe start that I wasn’t and had no intentionof being, but sometimes when they were all having their nightly meeting I snuck downstairs to the chapel so I could find five minutes of peace. I would sit in the pew at the back and imagine releasing my rage in there, smashing everything in sight and cursing their so called god, because if he was real then why the f**k would he put being stuck in that f*****g place in my path’. Jay smirked ‘That’s not funny and I’m not laughing about it but the fact I can imagine you do it is pretty funny’ He placed a bowl in front of me, my face must’ve lit up, he could’t have looked happier about my reaction ‘you remembered’ ‘how could i forget darlin, i took it to school and gave you a bite, you f*****g stole it off me’. I laughed, I hadn’t laughed like that in so long ‘I wanted you to try it not steal it’ ‘what can I say, I was complimenting your cooking’. I sat there questioning what had made him change, his plan to cook me ravioli and get to know me again, so far i couldn’t help but feel like he was doing everything right. ‘Can I ask you something?’ Jay said, breaking the silence between us, ‘sure’ I replied worried of what was to follow, ‘why didn’t you ever call me?’, I sat there searching for an answer to his question, thinking about it carefully ‘I didn’t want to keep playing games’. Jay looked down at his bowl as if he was trying to find what to say next, ‘I was young Jade I wanted the best of everything and I didn’t know any better, I realise that now’, I looked at him and opened my mouth to respond but he got up and walked out of the room, he returned moments later with a bundle of fur in his arms, he walked towards me and placed the bundle on my lap, wrapping it in my blanket. ‘His name’s diesel, he’s a boxer’ Jay said, I looked down and and realised he’d handed me a puppy, I lit up and cuddled him against my chest, Diesel yawned and began to lick my cheek, I laughed ‘He is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!” I looked at Jay with the biggest smile on my face, giving diesel a cuddle. Jay sat back down and continued eating whilst admiring me falling in love with his puppy, ‘oh my pretty boy’ ‘hey!’ Jay shouted ‘share some of that around’ ‘ok handsome’ i replied without taking my eyes off diesel, i wasn’t distracted enough to miss Jays head slowly throw back and a grin to appear. I continued eating and shared the last of it with diesel, Jay got up to wash the dishes piled in the sink, diesel had fallen asleep in my lap as i stroked his fur. I was admiring the man standing in font of me, the way his shirt hugged his arms, how tall he is now and how watching him do something so mundane could be so sexy. I could see his refelction in the window, he had a smirk painted across his lips, he looked into the reflection and a shock passed through me sinking low in my stomach, the desire i had for him was threatening to take over. He turned to face me wiping his hands on his jeans, ‘wait here he said i’ll be right back’