Hellcat

Chapter 14

Wilder Sanchez

I  don't sing. 

I can't sing.

I won't sing. 

And yet here I am standing on the left side of the stage, waiting for my turn to audition. 

Auditions are in reverse alphabetical order which means I will be one of the first twenty people to go on stage.

But I do not want to.

You don't have much of a choice, sweetheart.

Not the time Leli.

Do I always have to remind you that it is always the time for a chat with your subconscious? I mean really, we need to talk about some of the messed up stuff you think and do and eat and listen to and-

I shake my head vigorously to get that stubborn little voice out of my head. It doesn't leave, I just know it. But the voice quiets down.

I chose to be Anya, the daughter of the chief. She literally has no lines. But according to the play, she appears in four different scenes. That's four times my face will be seen and no words will be said. I'm not even sure how to audition for her part.

Do I just stand in the middle of the stage and stare at the judges so they can judge whether I'll look good as a South Asian princess? 

I mean, I've got the Latino skin that could pass off for Indian after a heavy concealer and foundation job. And I'm very good at being a stoic.

The whole reason why the prince's sister does not get to speak is to show just how serious the misogyny in the village is. Jaya is a truly beautiful play that highlights several important themes like sexism, male dominance in marriage, redemption and change. 

I can totally understand why the Spanish authorities are willing to let us perform the musical composition at their theatre.

What I can't understand is why our school has made it into such a big deal. Eleven weeks is a lot of time to practice. And when I read the cast list, there are only twenty-eight members. We will need like half a dozen background dancers as well and the stage management crew of course. But overall, we are about two hundred students in the auditorium, and that's really too much. The two hundred are nothing compared to our school population of seven thousand students so I guess the teachers don't care too much. 

"Thank you, Mr Turner, for that, " Ms Sutherland clears her throat not quite sure the right word to use to describe Toby Turner's sorry ass excuse of a performance. "That, uh, interesting piece."

"And next we have, Wilder Sanchez, " Disembodied Josh hollers. 

Hearing my name being yelled over the speakers makes it feel all the more real. 

I freeze up. 

Snap out of it Eli!

I wish I could. But I can't move. I can't feel my hands or legs. My heart is working double time and I feel like any minute now, I'm just going to fall over and die from a very severe case of stage fright. 

"Ms Sanchez?" Ms Sutherland asks into the microphone after several minutes when I'm still standing on the side of the stage, hidden by the curtain and unable to move an inch. "Ms Sanchez are you here?" 

I'm here.

But I'm terrified shitless.

I'm hyperventilating. 

It feels like I'm crying too but I'm not sure because I literally can't feel my body. 

A hand falls on my shoulder. 

That single contact is what brings me down from whatever madness I was suffering from, and I crash onto reality with a thump. Wiping the remnants of tears from my face with the sleeve of my mom's hoodie, I turn around quickly to glare at the person who dared to touch me in my most vulnerable state.

My glare melts when I meet the familiar eyes of Josh Bennett.

"I thought you were supposed to stay a mystery, " I manage to joke. 

Josh doesn't laugh. Or smile.

Is my joke not funny enough?

No, he's taking the situation seriously, that's all. Don't fret, Eli. 

With this unwelcome subconscious voice in my head, it has become apparent that every rhetoric question of mine will have an answer. But this time, the voice isn't bitchy or sarcastic. It sounds... Worried? That is a strange emotion for something that is torturing me to feel. But I'm not sure if the voice even means to torture me or is just having fun. 

You actually sound like you care.

Because I do. Don't forget you and I are the same. We feel the same emotions even though I don't want to. I especially hate being depressed so put a bloody smile on your fave, Eli or so help me God I will magically grow a body and carve one into your face.

Like what the joker's father did to him?

Much worse.

I chuckle. 

Out loud. 

My mistake. 

"Are you okay, Eli?" Josh asks in concern. 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

"They're waiting for you up there, " he points to the judges sitting in front of the stage, staring at it as if I will magically appear in the centre of it and blow their socks off. "You should go."

"I can't, " I sigh, shoulder slumping. 

Josh c***s his head to the side. "Why not?"

"I don't know how to sing. And even if I did, I wouldn't want to sing in front of other people."

"You sang at Keith's party in a room full of random people. What's so different now?"

"I had Dutch courage. I was drunk and high and it gave me confidence. Plus I couldn't see through most of the song since the room was so dark."

"I can't make you drunk again but I can make the second part possible."

"What do you mean?" I ask with my eyebrows scrunched in confusion. 

"Get ready to shine, " Josh says, walking away and leaving me alone. 

"Ms Sanchez? Ms Sanchez do you plan on showing up it should we move on without-" Ms Sutherland stops mid-sentence as all the lights go off. The whole room is blanketed in darkness. 

This is what he meant. I can't see them. That means they can't see me. 

With my heart in my throat, I blindly climb up the stairs at the side of the stage. Because it's dark and I can't see, I nearly trip over the last set. I'm pretty sure I'm falling to the ground and about to die but suddenly, invisible arms wrap around me.

I don't scream. 

I know that scent. Pine needles and earth.

Josh. 

His blue eyes stare at me through the darkness. "You can do this, " he whispers, pushing me to the middle of the stage slightly. 

I stagger a little but manage to balance myself. 

Gripping the microphone, I don't even know what to do. I look through the crowd. Even through the darkness, it feels like two hundred pairs of eyes are watching me, bathing in the complete pitch blackness of the auditorium, as I clutch tightly to the microphone. Nerves are trying to take over my body, but it only improves the pizzicato of my performance. My heart keeps time with the drums, pumping the music through my veins as I lose myself in the performance. Eventually, I lose all sense of everything except for the music. I don't even register the name of the song I'm singing, or the words. All I know is that I'm singing. It's just me and the darkness which terrifies me but can't judge me. 

I don't realise I've finished until I hear the clapping. It's coming in sprinkles from different sections of the theatre. 

I know I'm not Selena Gomez, but I don't have an ogre's voice. I'm average at best. 

I make it off the stage in one piece, even though the room is still bathing in darkness. When I'm away, safely hidden behind the curtain, powerful aluminium lights flood the room. 

Strong male arms wrap around me. "You did it," Josh says into my ear.

I blame it on the adrenalin from the performance when I hug him back. I'm embarrassed by the fact that I'm hugging him. So I don't let go, face buried in his chest as I inhale the natural earthy smell of the cologne and hands gripping fistfuls of his grey shirt. Damn, Josh smells really nice. And his shirt is so soft too. 

"It was all thanks to you, " I mumble, my words incoherent because my cheeks are squished against his chest which feels hard under the soft fabric of his shirt. 

"Could you let go, please? I have to announce the next performer, "

I blush, pushing Josh away from me so suddenly he stumbles back two steps.

"Damn, " he mumbles. "You've got a lot of power in that short body of yours."

"I'm not short, " I cry hotly. 

"Eli, I have to bend down to be your height."

"That's only because your parents injected you with giraffe genes when you were a kid."

"Me and Abe and everyone else?"

"Yes!" I say excitedly. "It was a government conspiracy to make me feel demoralized because everyone else is taller than me. Go tell your government bosses that you failed. I'm still confident."

"A confident chipmunk alright, " Josh snorts. "Also, I didn't peg you for a conspiracy theorist."

"I have my moments." I shrug. "Now go, you said you had work to do."

"Oh yeah, I forgot, " Josh scratches the back of his neck nervously. 

I chuckle. "Bye, Josh."

"Goodbye, Eli, " he says in a sing-song voice, waving as he walks away. But he is walking backwards so I can still see his characteristic smirk. 

I laugh when he walks right into a table. Josh actually gets into an argument with the table for a few minutes. 

"Why are you blaming the table? You were the one not walking right, "I say.

"You're supposed to be on my side, " he whines. "And the table was not supposed to be in my way."

"I should have known the reason I get along so well with you is that we are both crazy."

"Speak for yourself b***h. I'm as sane as Satan." Josh announces in a diva queen voice. 

"Any guy who enjoys living in a furnace and torturing other people's souls and tricking then into joining him in his fiery castle is not sane."

 "In that case, I'm as sane as you are."

I smile while shaking my head. "I'm not very sane."

"Figures, " Josh mumbles under his breath. 

"What was that?"

"Nothing, " he says sharply. Too quickly. Hm. "I was just saying how there's no analogy for sanity."

"That's because sanity isn't a fixed quality, " I retire sagely. "It's like x, the most popular variable in algebra-"

"I don't need a may lesson from you, " Josh whines, covering his ears with both hands. "I'm going to walk away now, with my hands over my ears so you can't stop me."

I watch him go, staring at his back as he leaves. A sudden thought randomly occurs to me. 

Josh Bennett has a fine ass.

I sneak back to the searing area so I can watch the other students audition. I feel a surge of excitement when it's Abe turn to perform. I know he's in this choir group that's supposed to be a big deal but I have never actually heard him sing. And so I'm excited to hear his voice. Not because I'm interested in him but because I want to judge him firsthand. 

He comes on to the stage, slowly, almost daily. He stands in the middle and takes the microphone from its stand. 

"Hi, " he waves shily. "My name is Abe Bennett. And today I will be performing for you a song called This is the moment. It was written by Frank Wildhorn and Robert Cuccioli for the popular musical Jekyll and Hyde." Abe stares around the room as if searching for something or someone. His lips curve up when his eyes fall on a girl a few rows down from me. I don't recognise her but she's beautiful. And when she smiles back at him, I know these two are friends. 

"Here I go then, " he says before launching into the song. 

His voice is smooth and clear and quiet yet powerful. Soothing, in a way. I know people generally don’t really call a guy’s voice beautiful, but his is. It's the promise of a better life, the sugared clarity of the life he strives to live.

His voice rolls over the crowd in blissful waves. Swells of power rise up in his throat. I can't even tell if it is words that come from him. His voice is music, and grace, and the haunting feeling of knowing that his voice is brought out in a fit of passion, of love. 

Abe loves singing. 

I can see it in the way he strides on the stage as he belts out the lyrics. The way he smiles so happily, so freely. He's in his element. He was born to be a star, a singer. 

I am part of the people standing and clapping when he whispers the final notes. 

Ms Sutherland is smiling.

Mr Dulaine is beaming proudly.

Principal Montenegro rises to her feet and takes the microphone. Her blonde hair is made into a French braid and she's wearing a soft blue dress suit and glasses. I can't help but notice the difference in mannerism and speech between the principal and our drama club teacher. Principal Montenegro is more refined in her mien while Ms Sutherland is more queer. 

"That was the most beautiful performance, Mr Bennett. How very inspiring. Thank you very much, Mr Bennett." 

Abe bows humbly and walks off the stage, disappearing behind the heavy purple curtain. I wonder if he's going to see that pretty girl he was smiling at.

No matter, that shouldn't be your concern.

The voice is right. I have been so wrapped up in the excitement everyone else is feeling for the play I forgot one very crucial element.

How am I going to afford the plane ticket to Spain? 

Lucas. Go see Lucas. He'll give you the money.

I know. But I don't want to. 

You don't have a choice. Or you are okay with disappointing Josh Bennett by not coming even after all the good things he has done for you? Or you are gonna ask Josh to pay for your plane ticket?

Maybe I might, I think angrily. 

You're just a gold-digging freeloader, Eli.

Oh, shut up. 

Never! You know there's this song you used to love to sing when you were a little girl. Let me sing it for you. Just for old times sake. 'There are once... A boy. Nobody ever knew. Whatever he had planned... Nobody had a clue-

I have discovered that the only way to silence Leli, if only temporarily is to vigorously shake my head, and so that what I do. I shake my head till my brain matter have been thoroughly sloshing in my ears and Leli has gone quiet.

"Peace at last, " I smile to myself. 

You wish.

I'm going to kill you 

The only way to successfully do that is to kill yourself. I'm dead over your own dead body. It's kind of ironic, don't you think?

Why are you bothering me? 

I'm not bothering you. I'm trying to help you. You need to go on this trip to Spain. So today after community service with Abe, go to Lucas's house and ask him for money.

And what if Victoria is there?

Then you ignore her. It's pretty obvious really. 

Sounds like a plan. 

I'm in the cafeteria, sitting at Josh's table. For some reason, Abe hasn't joined us yet. When I asked, the guys just exchanged looks but remained quiet so I assume it must have something to do with basketball. 

"So how was the first day of rehearsal?" Keith asks. 

Josh and I exchange a glance. He smiles, "It was good."

Keith narrows his eyes at us. "You sure it was, just good?"

"It was great, "

Abe. 

Keith's playful grin falls. 

Everyone around the table stops talking. 

"Oh come on guys don't tell me you're still mad at me." Abe whines, thanking me when I shift for him to sit between Josh and I. The other guys have stretched out and placed their bags on the chairs so we won't get a seat. 

"Is there a ghost here?" Keith asks, looking around. "Cause I thought I just heard the voice of my best friend Abe. But that's not possible because he's dead."

"My brother isn't dead, I can see him, " Josh says, frowning innocently in confusion. His eyes light up suddenly. "Oh My God. Am I a psychic?"

Keith rolls his eyes. "He's dead. Dead to me."

Abe winces. I don't blame him. That had to sting.

"What did he do to upset you guys?" I ask Keith. 

Keith sighs. "Basketball stuff. You wouldn't understand." 

"I didn't do anything, " Abe says, stirring his plastic spoon in his mashed potatoes angrily. 

"I beg to differ, " Aspen scoffs. 

If it was just him, I might have flipped him off but the other guys also seem to be annoyed with Abe so that has piqued my curiosity.

"You had to have done something for them to be this upset with you. So, spill, " I order. 

"It's what I didn't do." He mumbles, taking an annoyed bite out of his wheat bread. I don't even want to know why he chose to pick bread and mashed potatoes over chicken strips and salad. 

I nibble a carrot stick. "What didn't you do?"

Everyone around the table states at Abe expectantly. Waiting for him to finally admit his offences.

"I didn't give them a day off practice."

"So?" I ask because I don't get it. 

"I told you, you wouldn't understand, " Keith snaps. 

"Explain it to her then, " Josh says. He's been busy with his ketchup and chicken but clearly, he was also listening in on the discussion. 

Keith huffs, crossing his arms over his chest and looking away. He looks like Vegeta from Dragon Ball and if he acts anything like the manga character he currently resembles, it means Keith is done talking. 

"Our coach is really tough on us. We train six days a week. And it's always gruelling and intense. He never gives us time off. But today he fell sick and..."

"And the guys just automatically assumed you would give them the day off." I complete, making sense of it all. "But why didn't you?"

"Because we have the most important game of the season coming in two weeks. We need to be in our best shape to take on our rival school Rastin High. Delegates from other schools will be there and coaches from neighbouring colleges as well. There will be scouts swarming the entire school."

"And you can't have them see you guys slack off."

"Exactly." Abe cries in the relief of a frustrated mother who has finally convinced her seven-year-old child that it is not okay to eat candy from the floor. 

"We understand now, " Cole says. 

"Yeah, we do, " Marcus agrees. 

"So you forgive me?"

Aspen speaks up. "Hell no."

Keith glares at him. "Of course we do." 

The best friends shake on it. Watching how easily the boys interact after the forgiveness act, I can't help but wish things we that easy between me and Lucas. Maybe if I was also a boy it would be easier for me to accept Vanessa. But she replaced me. And I just cannot accept. 

Still, going to visit Lucas after community service? Leli asks. 

Hell yeah, I smirk. Josh's ocean blue eyes question my smirk. And I'm taking a present for Vivienne. 

I tip the cab driver generously and he smiles at me brightly, revealing two missing front teeth. That does not come as a surprise to me considering the heavy bruising I noticed around his face, neck and arms when he was driving. This guy was in a serious fight. And lost.

I stare at the white and yellow Opel Kadett taxi till it vanishes into the horizon. Then, I force my eyes to the direction of the house in front of me and openly stare.

The whole house is bluish-white with grey vintage detail that is gently placed around every shutter to show its age and sophistication. I notice a large rectangular stained glass window sitting above the front door. The glass swirls with the most amazing intricate cyan, scarlet, emerald and violet colours, creating an overall abstract effect.

I still have a key so I let myself in. No need to have to see Valentina's ugly face the minute I get here. The door opens letting me into a colossal foyer with a crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling. The dark blue coloured marble goes perfectly with the eggshell white paint walls and grey baseboards.

I enter the kitchen. The beechwood cabinets are surrounded by stainless steel appliances with grey and white marble granite countertops. The floor is beautifully laid with soft grey tiles. The kitchen is truly extravagant. Nanny Jay loved cooking and our kitchen was her most favourite place in this house.

The island is the best part: a T-shaped solid top made of grey granite sits in the middle of the kitchen. Hanging above are long grey lights that illuminate across the entire kitchen. I head over to the double-door steel fridge an open it. There's a bowl of leftover chilli con carne I find buried deep in the back of the fridge with a sticky note on it identifying it as the property of Vanellope with the explicit instruction 'do not touch' written on it. I tear off the sticky note, crumple it with my right fist and expertly flick it into the bin. I place the bowl in the microwave and two minutes later, I'm seated at the island, eating the chilli con carne.

So you break into your brother's house. And if that's not enough, you still his wife's food.

And?

You don't even see what's wrong with your actions.

Of course not. Technically, I still live here. And I didn't see the label on the bowl. I was hungry so I took it.

I'm pretty sure if Leli had a face, she would roll her eyes at me right now.

I finish my food, leave the bowl in the sink and make my way to the living room. Seeing as there appears to be no one in the house and if Lucas was here he would probably tell me to make myself at home, I decide to do exactly that, by kicking off my shoes and socks, spreading my body all over the soft white couch and watching re-runs of The Real Housewives Of Orange County which Lucas loves to watch.

I don't remember when I get up to make myself a bowl of popcorn but that's what I'm eating and staring at the seventy-five-inch plasma television intensely when the front door opens and the entire Sanchez family troop in.

"Wilder," Lucas gasps. "You came home."

"I only came here to talk to you about some school-related stuff," I say, not once taking my eyes off the screen. I've reached season twelve and it's the episode where Tamra builds bridges with her estranged daughter by attending her high school graduation, something she's always wanted to do.

"Aunt Eli!" Amanda squeals, running into my arms. I jump up in surprise. For a while, I actually forgot Lucas made a kid with the witch. Amanda is the cutest three-year-old I know. With the brown eyes of her father and niece, and her mother's wheat blonde hair, she's a natural beauty and it is impossible for me to refuse her when she smiles.

So you actually have a heart.

"Hiya kiddo," I smile, wrapping my hands around her and ruffling her hair slightly. She giggles, jumping out of my lap seconds later and beginning a rant on how she recently started riding a bicycle.

No matter how much I dislike her, I cannot deny Vanellope's beauty. That's probably how she was able to trick my older brother into wedding her. She's tall, with wheat-blonde hair and icy blue eyes. Her skin glows with pregnancy and maternal happiness and her stomach is swollen with the weight of their unborn child. She looks like a housewife, wearing a flowered dress and yellow scarf in her hair.

She comes over to where I am tentatively and scoops Amanda up in her arms, carrying her daughter away from me against Amanda's protests. "I wanna talk to Aunt Eli."

"I know sweetheart. But daddy has some important things to talk to her about. You can talk to her later."

"No!" she whines stubbornly, trying to kick herself free from Violet's hold. "I wanna talk to her now."

What a stubborn little brat.

Right?

To think I thought she was cute one minute ago. She probably gets to do whatever the hell she wants.

Preach on sister. Leli may annoy the hell out of me, but it seems we are finally starting to get along. We can both agree that Lucas his spoiling my niece and we cannot let that happen. I hate conceited children.

"No," I boom. "You will do what your mother says."

Amanda calms down, eyes wide in surprise. "Okay, Aunt Eli," she says quietly, ashamedly.

"Thank you," Valerie mouths, to me as she carries Amanda out of the room.

I didn't do it for her but I let her think whatever she wants to, and instead turn my attention to Lucas. "I have a school trip to Spain in ten weeks. I need money for the plane ticket."

"I know," he says simply.

"You do?"

"A Josh Bennett sent an e-mail to me notifying me of the school trip. The e-mail was sent to all guardians of the students involved apparently. They were basically encouraging us to let our wards travel to a different side of the planet for one week with minimal adult supervision."

"There are three teachers coming with us," I say. "And if I'm there, you won't have to worry about Dwayne getting to me."

Lucas looks doubtful but eventually concedes. "If you insist."

"Thanks," I say drily, grabbing my shoes and lacing them up. "Well, I'm going to head back home now."

"It's late. Stay for dinner. You still have some of your old clothes in your old room. Spend the night here."

I look into the other room where Vanellope is kneeling on the carpet next to Amanda and helping her with her homework. It's a picture-perfect family moment. I don't want to ruin Lucas' relationship with his family with my presence.

"Thanks, but no thanks," I say, grabbing my satchel from where I dropped it on the carpet and slinging it over my shoulder.

"At least let me drive you home," Lucas pleads.

"Alright," I sigh.

"Let me just tell Vanellope and Amanda then we'll be on our way. You can wait for me in the car if you want. Or if you have changed your mind about staying, you can go back up to your room," Lucas looks so full hope I almost hate to have to break his heart this way.

"My answer hasn't changed."

"Well, my offer still stands."

I pout mockingly. "Too bad."

One exchange of eye contact and we both crack up. When the laughter fades into a long sigh followed by silence, Lucas stares at me with honest umber eyes. "What happened to us, Eli? We used to be so close. What changed?"

I stare into the room, then stare at my boots. They are black platformed boots and rise all the way to my knees. "You grew."

Lucas looks confused. "But you did too. I mean, look at you!" He points at me in amazement. "You're not the little girl I used to tell stories about Barney and Winnie the Pooh. You've grown too."

"You don't get it," I say, shaking my head at the same time. "We didn't just grow. We grew apart."

I don't wait to hear another word from Lucas because I know if I do, I'll break down into tears and never leave his side so I make the tough decision and walk out of the house.

The house I lived in for the most part of my child.

The house I was raised in.

The house that used to mine.

But I don't belong here there anymore.

And it is this thought that drives me, as I walk to my apartment in the night, all alone both physically and emotionally. The one thing that would have made me feel better is if I had given Vincentia that hydrogen bomb present I gave her. But I got so distracted with my plans for how to toughen up Amanda and my discussions with Lucas that I quite forgot about it. And now I don't have anything funny to mull over.

Our life stinks.