Dare Me More

Chapter 7

Cole promised he wasn’t going anywhere, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he didn’t mean it sincerely.  

    He hasn’t texted or called since the incident. I expected to see him drop by the café for a Frappuccino while he worked on sub-teacher work – it only happened once – or made some kind of effort to see me.  

    But, then again, I haven’t made an effort either. I was ashamed to speak about the incident in anyway just in case he felt pushed and would lock me out. I didn’t know what could happen; my mind raced with thunderous ideas that overlapped each other, which was a dangerous thing to do while in the middle of a shift and having to deal with an incorrect order.  

    All I wanted to do was scream. Had I known things would turn out this way I would’ve brought up my feelings for him sooner – before he became my sub. 

    Sammy knew something was off the moment I had stepped into work, and she had tried to consult me to the best of her knowledge. By the time I finished my shift she prepared me one pastry from the window display and said, “It’s on the house” before shoving me out the door with a firm hand, making me promise to enjoy the rest of my day. 

    I debated on calling Joanne, but she was up in Adelaide with Zachary; I didn’t have the heart to disrupt their happiness with my negativity, especially when they were newly engaged.  Besides, what would I have said to her? A casual “Hey I’m in love with Cole and our friendship is on the brink of being destroyed, I need advice” wouldn’t help, and neither did a “I’m feeling lost, I don’t know what to do, I need you back home”. 

     It felt like Mum and Dad all over again, except I didn’t know if Cole was going to leave or not. My heart wouldn’t take it; there wasn’t anything that could prevent it from breaking. He promised he’d stay, but so did my parents.  

    My mental health was at a crisis. God, why had I promised Cole that I would stop drinking? 

The weekend flew, and I’ve been in bed for most of it. There’s odor coming off my body and I’m wearing the same t-shirt and shorts since my shift on Friday.  

    I chose to skip uni this week. I was in desperate need to focus on myself. There was something wrong with me – my mind couldn’t come up with the diagnosis, but my heart knew, and that was enough. 

    The shower greatly distracted my mind. I imagined weight from the dirt and oils washed off my body and down the drain, and forced myself to take deep breaths as I left the steaming shower and into the crisp air. There was an old t-shirt of Cole’s that’s been hidden in the back of my closet for years that I decided to put on for clothes, but I wore nothing else. My hair fell in curls as it dripped onto the floorboards, but no one else was home, so I didn’t care to clean it up. 

    Sitting on our cheap couch with the windows opened and the TV running, I couldn’t help but miss her. She wasn’t a best friend by any means, and we didn’t hang out often enough to be buddy-buddy with each other, but in times of companionship, she’d be there on the other side of the couch, scrolling through her phone and showing me the latest memes. 

    Her side of the fridge emptied in a matter of days. I felt guilty, but they were going to go off if I didn’t touch them. 

                >3.45pm >Me: hey i’m taking your yogurt and milk they were going off i’ll replace them when you get back> 

                >3.48pm >Monica: i’ll be back in two weeks my rent should come in by tomorrow and it’s fine3.50pm >Me: yeh all gee take it easy hope your dad is doing well3.56pm >Monica: theres colour on his face he’s a strong guy thanks jacky5.23pm >Me: sorry can’t do wed5.23pm >Oliver: Why what happened?5.24pm >Me: work. can only do fri5.24pm >Oliver: I can’t do that time, dad needs me at the shop that night. You’re making me watch the play alone with Colin on purpose5.25pm >Me: let me know if he wears his shades inside yeh?5.26pm >Oliver: I’m not sure if I should haha< 

    I went back out with my phone in my pocket to help with the cleanup, feeling guilty for not having the time off to spend with Oliver. I could’ve really gone to watch the play with someone I enjoyed spending time with. 

The universe had a funny way of showing that it was listening. 

    I completely forgot that Cole chose to attend the play on the Friday until now when I waited in line to purchase my general ticket. He stood in line as well, close to the front, waiting for the person before him to get their ticket. My mouth went dry and my head spun. No words were spoken over the phone or in the classroom, and the resentment I have over him ignoring me grew over time that I was sure my feelings for him died. 

    Except they weren’t.  

    My feelings were hiding underneath the resentment and loneliness – and behind the tall lady in front of me. I prayed he wouldn’t see me at all. So long as I kept myself hidden from his view, he shouldn’t be able to see me. 

    Cole purchased his ticket and walked off to the side where other guests were waiting near the venue, and my eyes zoomed on his face in shock: he shaved!  

    Not excessively, but there wasn’t as much as there used to be. He was close enough for me to notice the sleek style he done to his hair. He wore a blue blazar and a simple white button shirt with a thin black tie around his neck that just screamed professional and attractive as he read his ticket multiple times; a hand tucked in his clean, black trousers.  

    No, not reading. Just looking, staring, without focusing on anything. He was lost in his thoughts. 

    The line moved quicker, making me walk closer to him, yet it felt like I was sneaking towards him instead.  

    I managed to get my ticket without him noticing before having to step off to the side. With a deep breath I aimed towards him, the back of my shoes clicking against the waxed floor. 

    He snapped his head at me. Our eyes connected. My breath hitched.  

    “Hi.” 

    Cole didn’t reply, but I didn’t expect him to. I waved my ticket at him with a forced smile. 

    “I chose the Friday as well,” I said, and immediately regretted. Of course he knew that! 

    He gestured at the lineup behind us. “It’s not as crowded tonight as it was on the other nights. Thankfully, that means a variety of seats to be chosen. You’ve picked the best day.” 

    I blinked at him. “You’ve already seen the play?” 

    “Twice. I liked hearing what my students have to say before writing their assignment.” 

    “Ah. I see.” A part of me thought he came to the theatre to try and find me. 

    Cole cracked a grin. “That’s part of the play. Seeing. Exploring. Living. I think you’ll enjoy it. Did you bring your pen and notebook?” 

    I waved my phone. “Thought filming would be better.” 

    “Good.”  

    I didn’t notice anyone else from my class before Cole and I entered the venue. Rows of chairs sat diagonal to the stage, allowing a massive gap of red carpet to be filled up. I aimed for a spot closer to the stage without fearing another person would try to sit in front of me. Cole was right; there wasn’t as many guests tonight, which made the venue feel bigger than usual. 

    Cole sat on the other side in the last row, his blue blazar sticking out against the warmer tones displayed. I didn’t question it; I let it be. Tonight was a performance designed around my assignment. The focus was on... 

    For only a certain amount of time. 

    I felt eyes on the back of me throughout the performance, the same vibe from the sensory exercise a few weeks ago. With just a quick gaze towards the other row of chairs, my suspicion that it was Cole was confirmed. Once again, our eyes met, and this time he didn’t look away – I did. The heat was making my cheeks grow warm and my hands direct my phone somewhere else. I tried to remind myself that this play was only an hour and there was plenty of time to look at Cole, but with so little audience members it was hard to ignore him. 

    When the play was over, I found him in the lobby, waiting with his hands in his pocket.  

    “Want me to drop you off home? He asked. 

    I couldn’t read the expression on his face, so I did the same. “Sounds like a plan.” 

A switch happened. It was as if one minute we feigned who we were to the outside word and the next we released the sigh of relief as soon as we stepped inside Cole’s Alfa. 

    The car ride was just as carefree and as I remembered last. Music blasted from the radio, and it made me smile to imagine his early Sunday morning drives with the sun rise peeking out from above the clouds, windows down, sunshades on, as old country and pop songs blared out.   

    Cole imitated Mr. Lavery’s accent, and because he didn’t have that deep voice Mr. Lavery possessed, he managed to get me to laugh. When he saw this, his smile widened and his eyes crinkled behind his black shades as the orange and yellow hue of the sunset disappeared behind the tall city buildings.  

    He managed to get me distracted from noticing that we weren’t heading towards the route of my rented apartment. Cole rounded a corner and drove an extra ten minutes to an almost empty carpark in front of an open garden with tree trunks wrapped in grey plastic.  

    “You know this isn’t my stop,” I said, wrapping my arms in my lap and looking around at my surroundings.   

    “I figured we could hang out a bit more before taking you home, just the two of us.” 

    It was crazy to overthink words but his phrasing took me by surprised. 

    “But what are we doing here?” My hands were sweating underneath the grasp of my t-shirt. 

    Instead of responding straight away Cole turned off the engine and undid his tie. He took his shades off revealing his blue eyes. He scratched the stubble on his face and ran his hands through the dark curls in his hair. I wanted in this moment was to do it for him. 

    “Remember when you were sixteen and we used to come here every now and again, and race towards the swing set to see who would be first?” 

    It took me a moment, but the images of my naive teenage-self sprouted to mind. “I’m not even sure the swing set is still there. It seems like forever ago.” 

    “Seemed like a good way to go down memory lane and find out.” 

    I chuckled and looked out the window where a blue and orange hue of clouds overtook the sky. “May as well continue the theme of the night, right? Exploring, I mean.” 

    I shifted uncomfortably as Cole’s smile dropped and a crease in his eyebrows took form. My breath went uneven. I’ve seen him look like this before. 

    “Cole. Are we okay?” 

    His switch was quick, and the smile came back to play – but I saw through it. Something wasn’t right. “Come on,” he said, taking his seatbelt off. “Let’s go have a swing.” I didn’t have time to say anything else. Before I knew it, Cole was out of the car, pumping himself up on the spot. 

    I lingered longer than I wanted to before a smile took over. I left my phone and keys in his car and followed his enthusiasm. We watched each other, and in sync, raced for the pair of swings.