The Panther

Half-hearted Farewells

White Lies- Farewell to the Fairground

For someone so intuned with sound, I rarely listen. The only time this thing inside of me is alive is when he's around. I can't focus, I can't even think properly. It's starting to feel intentional. My ears are burning with all the violent thoughts rushing through my mind at once. Everything is heightened. My attraction for him is at par with my contempt for my entire life and I live for it. It's a very complicated surge of emotions and I don't know what to do with them. We're going to pick a fight with one another. It's not going to end well, I know that but I am excited about the confrontation.

"Are we just going to sit here?" I asked Aspen after a few minutes of just sitting here in a thick awkward silence.

"I understand you're upset with me for not being here during the full moon," he sighed.

"That is at the bottom of the list of things I'm upset with you about this past year," I shook my head. "What's going on?"

"They're going to do it. They're going to burn my father at the stake. The council is losing ground and they know if you take your place on the council, they'll lose what little control they have left,"

"It's a good thing you're fireproof. Demon blood remember? All of you,"

"We are fireproof. Fire magik doesn't work on us, true. You made sure of that when you activated it after the whole thing with Asmodeus. However, we are a handful of successful experiments. There are more. We have an eldest sister. Victoria,"

"Just because you tell me her name doesn't mean I'm going to know who she is, Aspen." I rolled my eyes.

"Experiment Zero Zero One," he looked away. I pressed my lips together.

"You're joking. They still have her?" I asked annoyed.

"What is experiment zero zero one?" Emilia asked intrigued. Aspen looked at me not wanting to explain. I also know more than he does since his dad and I became friends. Sort of.

"The Archangel. The first experiment ever performed was on a little girl named Alicia. They channeled the feather belonging to the archangel David. They thought that if they could convert the power in the feather they could put it in a vessel that they could use it as light magik. The problem with that was that you can't change celestial energy into magik. You can only transfer it from one place to another. It takes a sacrifice. A human one. Alicia died and her body was brought back to life by the celestial grace of the feather. She was renamed Victoria.

"She was raised by the council. She's what, twenty-nine now? She kills for them. They help her maintain "balance" and she does whatever they want. That's not even the terrifying part. Whatever blade she touches. Box cutter, sword, butter knife, it becomes a celestial weapon. It can kill anything and everything it cuts into. So, being fireproof is pointless,"

"You're right the first part wasn't as terrifying as that second one," Emilia agreed.

"I'm trying to look out for my family, Baby. I want you to be part of it. I told you the last time I was here, that I can't force you to want this. You can be angry all you want but it's not going to change what you are. I don't know what else to say to you to make you see that. The only time you embrace it is when you're in danger,"

"So you're putting her in danger?" Colton stood up.

"I thought it was a good strategy," I shrugged. Aspen chuckled, completely ignoring my brother.

"Come back to the council with me. We have a couple of months before they can gather again. Before they send Victoria out. We can help each other out in the meantime. I'll teach you control. You teach your brother magik and when this is over if you still hate me. We can go our separate ways,"

"Wait," Colton laughed. "You've isolated her, alienated her from any kind of interaction for an entire year and now you're willing to make a deal?"

"She fell in love with a demon and planned on killing her panther to get to him after I bit her. I didn't start this," he scoffed.

"I didn't fall in love with a demon. You promised me a kingdom and power and I got a golden prison instead. Your insecurities about something that can't walk the earth are on you and the stupid cat inside of you," I scoffed crossing my arms over my chest. "I don't care what you did. I was as much at fault as you were. I maimed you, you chewed me. It happens,"

"Really?" he laughed sarcastically.

"You want my help. You do know I don't actually need you to get this under control. My brother and his mate are both alphas. I also don't need your help to train him. You're not doing me a favor. You want somewhere to lay low while you set your master plan in motion,"

"You want something. Something of equal value," he groaned and sat down.

"Yeah, I do," I placed my grimoire on the table. "This is one of sixteen books. I have eight,"

"What?" he looked up at me. "How do you have eight? You've been in this house since you killed that girl,"

"Physically, yeah," I nodded. He shut his eyes, letting his head fall forward.

"There's always something with you,"

"I need you to get your little followers to get me the rest of them, Mr. High Priest,"

"These things can get a lot of people killed," he shook his head.

"I honestly don't care. Your witches shunned me. They all turned their backs on me. How many of them drop dead is not my problem. You have to choose. Them or your siblings. By my count, there are twenty-five of you. Not including the one that's going to hunt you down. So, that gives me twenty-five witches in total. Since we're keeping everything even,"

"Do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth?" Colton asked. "Baby, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"There is nothing wrong with me. He's the one that wants to make a deal,"

"You can locate these things on your own. You've proven that," Aspen shook his head. His eyes are glowing.

"I can and if you don't take the deal, I will. This is you chewing and me maiming,"

"Baby, you're being really difficult right now," he growled. His hand cracked the wood of the table when he stood up angrily. I picked up my grimoire and scooted my chair back.

"You can choose not to play. You can walk out of here, leave me the f**k alone, and once I get my s**t together, I may or may not come back to help you,"

"You've got to be kidding me," he sneered.

"If I go with you now, I'm not going to trust you. I told you I didn't want to go to war and I still believe in that, Aspen. I still think we can work this out but not like this,"

"How do I know you're not just going to abandon me? You've thought about it. One way or another,"

"What does that mean?" Colton asked.

"You don't know. That's the point. You have a couple of months before they can gather in one place again. I don't need that long. It'll take me a couple of weeks to help my brother. A few days after to get the rest of my grimoires. Think about it. I am going up to pack. Come talk to me when you're ready,"

"We should go," Emilia grabbed my brother's arm. He didn't fight her.

I got up and went up to my room. It took us three months to fall apart when we got home. Three. I was supposed to stay at the temple with the other panthers but he didn't think it was a good idea because he didn't know if anyone was going to come after us after what we did and I don't know why I listened.

During my first shift, he took me outside and he knew that I didn't have control. What happened made my panther retreat. It scared her and no matter how much I tried to coax her out, I couldn't. I feel her stir when he's close because of our bond but it's not enough for her. She blames me for giving in to her darkness so easily. For-giving into mine. The darkness in me, especially after the possession, goes deep. I let it get the best of me and I shut down. I don't want to and I'll lay in this bed screaming in my head, trying to get up to do anything but I can't move.

"I don't remember you having all of these plants," Aspen's voice calms me. Being more than one thing is confusing. I sometimes don't know where she started or where I end. He makes it look so easy. "Witch hazel?"

"It's her elemental plant. Beauty is very important to my panther,"

"Deadly nightshade?"

"My elemental plant. Ironically, it's opposite to yours. The English marigold,"

"Your tea tastes better. It takes away the pain,"

"It can kill you if you take too much,"

"Yes, but the right amount is a magical experience," he smirked. "Worth the risk,"

"But it's still always a risk," I shrugged. He doesn't need to be flattering me when I'm mad at him but he knows it works.

"Baby, I'm sorry," he sat down behind my suitcase and shut it without taking his eyes off of me. "I'm not just saying that because you're leaving or because of what happened downstairs. I don't know how to talk to you anymore. You've changed and not in a good way. I have a lot to worry about. With you awakened, the new-gen is stronger than ever before. Magik we haven't seen in centuries is reawakening. Now, this thing with my dad,"

"I know and I could have been helping you all of this time,"

"You can't get into the temples,"

"That's not the only way I could have helped. I've gotten insanely good with my magik without help from anyone. I mean V helped hone it in but all the new spells and potions we've created this past year is all me. I've been looking for my grimoires in order alone so I didn't have to burden you with it.

"I needed your help with one thing and when we failed the first time, you have up. I can't even remember my panther's name. That's how far away from her I am. You pushed me away. I get it's a lot of pressure. You stopped sleeping here. If we were just mages, I would think that you're f*****g someone at work. I'd think you didn't want me to be part of your life.

"That girl dying wasn't on you. I don't blame you for that. I know you're not doing those things. I know you're trying to protect me and those reasons hurt me more because I know them. You don't trust me because they don't. Your siblings are afraid to let outsiders in just like you. You don't want to disappoint them so you lie to me. I don't need them to trust me. They trust you and that's enough for me. I need you to trust me. Just you,"

"You've considered killing me," he whispered.

"Don't flatter yourself. I've considered killing myself a lot more," I opened the flap to my bag and continued to pack what I need.

"This is what I'm talking about. You've considered killing yourself so you can go to hell. And you can joke about how you deserve it but we both know you want to be with someone else,"

"I chose you," I threw my masks into the suitcase.

"Begrudgingly,"

"I didn't. I want to be with you, here and now. Even if it had been begrudgingly. I chose you. You got what you wanted, Aspen. I haven't had time to think if this was a mistake or not because I want you and you don't want to be here. Rey is the most insecure beast in the entire spirit realm and it shows in your actions. I could have left a long time ago but I'm here. I told you to make a choice," I growled. "Make the choice and tell me what the f**k you want!" I shouted. "Just tell me or get the f**k out of my way,"

"I don't want you to leave,"

"But they don't want me to stay," I concluded for him. He can't even look up at me. I finished packing and zipped up my carry-on bag. "Your father trusted me and I would have saved him for you. You can go f**k yourself for all care now,"

I placed my hand on my suitcase. I puckered my lips and exhaled a whistle. I held my hands in front of me and expanded the green sound over everything in my room. Once it was touching everything I inhaled the whistle and dragged it into the suitcase. He fell to the floor when the bed disappeared inside the suitcase. He stood up looking around the empty room. I pulled the handle up and began to walk out of the room to go down into the sound room to pack it up.

"Baby," he grabbed my arm. I looked down at his hand. He immediately let go. "The change is coming from your panther. You feel like this because she does,"

"We both feel like this. It's the one thing we agree on. Do you not understand what happened to me? I died, Aspen. I was brought back by a demon who awakened a dark element inside of me and I was branded by another demon. A brand I can still feel and use. I am going to feel this darkness until the day I die. These thoughts will always be there. I have to go, Aspen. I need to find her. She's supposed to help me get stronger. You're stalling and you know that,"

"Okay," he nodded. "I'll get you the grimoires. You can go with your brother. I'll have them taken to you. I'm not making that deal with you but I can give you this. Take as much time as you need,"

I didn't stop him from walking away. Once I was finished packing I took my bag downstairs. Colton and Emilia really left. I cleaned up a little for my dad and left a thank you note in the backyard for his mate. Once I was done, I sat in the swing by the catnip letting my hand brush the buds casually while I dialed for Kam.

"What's up, sweetness?" she answered right away. There's music playing in the background. The sound created a pink shade around me. It's lovely.

"Hey, where are you?" I laughed.

"Duke. I have it. I was just taking a break before getting on the plane,"

"I'm headed to Oak Grove,"

"Really? The panther let you go?"

"Aspen isn't stopping me,"

"Not the answer I was looking for but okay. I'll change my flight then,"

"Do you know where Morgana is?" I asked.

"Have you called her?" she laughed.

"Not since she stormed out of here a couple of weeks ago,"

"Right, she told me about that. She's close. Did you want something?"

"Aspen grabbed me today. He wanted to tell me something but the High Priest spell didn't let him. I caught a glimpse of where his dad is going to be. A route schedule,"

"You're going to take the old man?" she huffed. "You evil little minx,"

"They're going to kill him. They're not going to burn him, Kam. You know that. It'll be straight to the guillotine. They're going to try and take his secrets by force. They won't let him rest,"

"That's not our problem, B. If the high council finds out that you took him, they're going to be pissed and you're already not one of their favorite people,"

"I know that,"

"Fine," she sighed reluctantly. "You guys are toxic to one another. I swear you were better of with Deus,"

"I'll send her what she needs," I ignored her.

"I'll tell her,"

"Thank you, Kam. You're the best,"

"I know. Umm-"

"He's doing the same. She hasn't accepted the rejection,"

"Wolves are like that," she sighed. "Thanks, Baby. I'll see you soon,"

She hung up. I immediately sent what she needs to Morgana. They've been helping me with my magik and looking for my grimoires. I got up and began to make dinner for my dad. I put my phone on the dock and played some music. Being home alone has taught me a lot about myself. I love being alone for starters. I can do whatever I want. Feel how I want. Get lost in my herbs and magik. I can make music. I've written six songs and composed eight.

Another thing that I found is that I like prepare for everything. After killing the girl, I passed out next to her. It took the cops a couple of hours to find her. When I woke up, I was being wheeled into an ambulance. I was in so much pain that I couldn't move or say anything. I didn't have magik. It took a few hours for it to come back. When it did, it stopped my heart for a couple of hours and I was legally declared dead. Aspen found me in the morgue.

The news was released the next morning and I became dead to the world. You'd think that in this new digital world, it would be difficult to disappear but it's never been easier. I also found that reinventing myself would be just as easy and I've been working on my profile on several platforms as "The Sound of My Muse". I kept the cat ears. It's only right. I added light-up claws and a tail. I keep my face hidden in the darkness and the work speaks for itself.

The mystery makes keeps the people interested. The sound sets them free. So as long as they play my music and sing any part of it. I can channel their energy. It's the only reason why my magik hasn't completely abandoned me. As long as it's loved and used properly, it will stay alive.

"Hey," my dad greeted me. "Is that the new song?"

"Yeah, it has over forty-thousand views already," I pointed at my phone.

"Nice," he came over and kissed the side of my head. He doesn't know why I'm doing it and if he does, he's not saying anything about it.

"Uh, I'm going to be moving to Oak Grove with Colt and Emy," I informed him as I placed dinner in front of him.

"That explains the salmon," he smirked. "Good. You need to get the hell out of here,"

"Dad, Kam is coming with me," I added. He hesitated to grab his fork. "I know how hard it is to be-"

"I don't want to be a wolf. I don't want to be part of her pack. I like what I am and she's beautiful and I'm sure she's an amazing person but I don't want that. I'm not like Colt, Baby. I hurt Kam and then I ghosted her. I just need-"

"To get the hell out of here?" I asked. He sighed.

"Maybe. I don't know. I was thinking about going back home,"

"Dad, why would you want to go back there?"

"It's the only place that ever made sense to me, Baby. Even knowing what I am now, that's where I want to be. Even if it's just a couple of days. I need to clear my head. I need to be normal for a bit,"

"Okay," I nodded and slid the packing spell instructions over to him.

"What's this?"

"Packing magik. Found it in one of the grimoires. It doesn't take a lot but it helps with focus,"

"Thank you," he bowed his head politely.

"I know you're not ready but I have to give this to you. When you're ready, take a look," I placed the shadow grimoire on top of the paper. "This is your grimoire. Yes, I have read it. I took what I needed to help Colt. He can't have it until you've completed your training. Then you can pass it on to him. There's no way around that,"

"I'll think about it," he put his hand on it. As soon as it made contact with his skin it disappeared. "What?"

"It'll present itself to you when you're ready. They're very polite,"

"Really?" he laughed. "Polite? They have manners?"

"And emotions. Our Grimoires have a magik of their own. You have to be accepting of them so they can accept you. They're there to guide you, teach you, protect you. Think of it as your shadow magik assistant,"

"All right," he nodded. "Where is your brother?"

"They'll be back later. We leave at four,"

"Thank you for dinner and everything else. Did you talk to Aspen?"

"I did. Yes," I nodded. "He's on board,"

"Is he?" he looked up at me as he stuffed a forkful of steamed rice in his mouth.

"He feels the distance now. I hope this helps us,"

"Me too," he mumbled.

"In case I don't get to say it later. Bye, daddy," I went around the island and gave him a hug. He returned it.

"Bye, Baby,"