Delivering Blu Skies (BWWM)

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

There’s a really s**t thing about being depressed. Depression likes to play a f****d up little game with you. The element of surprise. And the surprise never really comes at you at a good time. Like you’d be at rugby practice, scrumming and trying to score a try, really giving it your all you know? Then next minute everything become pointless. Null and void.

And then you don’t feel like anything anymore, like running or standing or even breathing. Because there’s not really a point to anything. Now, when you’re like me and you just got back onto the team, little f****d up surprises like this can’t just happen. Especially with everyone still looking at you like you’re a f*****g basketcase. And if that’s not bad enough there’s the voices.

The motherfucking whispers that don’t know when to shut up. And right now those voices were clawing at me. Begging me. Calling me. Haunting me. In that moment, I dropped the ball. Not only that, but I got tackled. I landed on the round with at least two other people on top of me. It f*****g sucks. The final whistle blowing at practice was the only thing I looked forward to.

“Oaks like you don’t deserve to be on this field. Sissies shouldn’t play rugby.” The large mass of meat and fat also known as Karabo spoke. Karabo and I didn’t get along because of the simple fact, that I was better than him. Always have and always will be. Both on and off the field. I wasn’t gonna start a fight. Fighting wasn’t a part of the plan. It was late. I was tired, and he was an i***t. But here’s the problem with idiots… They don’t know what to shut the f**k up. “Ai I’m still talking to you.”

By now I’m sure you’ve gathered that I like my space. My personal space should not be f****d with. But this guy… He was pushing some buttons and I could feel myself starting to lose it. It was actually kinda funny, I was taller than the guy but he was bigger. And if I wasn’t so annoyed I would have noticed the team crowding around us but then Karabo spoke. “Explain to me… Did you have tell coach that if you weren’t back on the team you’d relive your failed suicide attempt? Or did you ask your mom to suck coach’s –“

That was it. I blacked out.

And when I came to, Karabo was on the floor on his back, with his nose bleeding. The side of my face was stinging. My knuckles were bloody and I was ready to rip that cocky son of a b***h’s to shreds. I could feel Si and someone else holding me back and I was just about ready to throw a punch at both of them before I saw Blu standing right in front of me.

Her eyes were wide and she just stood there between me and Karabo. She looked like she was trying to piece together what happened. She snapped her eyes back to me before opening her mouth. She didn’t say anything. But coach did.

“You two! In my f*****g office right now.” Riener pulled me and a now standing Karabo by the collar without another word.

Riener tried a dual interrogation but Karabo was more like Donald Trump than anything else. Riener decided to have us go in one by one. I went in last. Riener was annoyed, but you know that look that you give people when you’re both disappointed and annoyed? Yeah, that was Riener.

“What the f**k happened out there Kai?” He ran his hand over his face and sighed like he’d just finished a killer exam. I shrugged. If you haven’t noticed by now, I’m not really in the mood for talking. Riener leaned back into his chair. “Listen I’m not gonna pretend I get. I don’t.” He paused. “What I do f*****g get is that this s**t that you got going on isn’t getting you anywhere. Kai for Godsakes you have six months left. High school ends son, have you even applied to university?” He was waiting for an answer and I was too bored to answer. He sighed again.

“I don’t like coming down you Kai. But you’re not giving me much to work with. You’re bunking class, you’re fighting on school property. You don’t care and it’s not like you don’t want to its just that you don’t try to. Mrs Schoon and I are the only teachers who’ve got your back. They wanted to ban you from the matric dance and we talked them out it.” Oh no, missing the one night where I could be at home. “Kai, we just want you to enjoy the year without getting into more trouble. Do me a favour?” I finally looked him in the eye. “Try.”

When I finally left, I found Blu sitting on the hood of my car. Neither one of us spoke. I needed a drive. I’m not really sure what she needed but I sure as hell knew it wasn’t me. I was really starting to doubt whether or not I could really give her what she wanted. What she needed. But driving helped me forget about that for a while. Don’t ask me how long we were driving out in the silence for but soon Blu spoke.

“Stop the car.” Her voice was just like her face, blank and emotionless. I thought she was talking to herself before she screamed. “Stop the f*****g car!”

By now it was dark. The roads were empty. We were driving alongside hill on our way to a tiny forestry town a few kilometres out of town. When I finally parked the car she turned to look at me. She had that frightened look on her face. Like she didn’t know what to say.

“Outside.” She ordered. I followed. She sat head bowed, on the hood of my car and shifted a bit so I could lean against it next to her. She was digging her nails into her thighs. It was almost as though she was trying to hurt herself but her leggings wouldn’t tear. It wasn’t working. She started really freaking me out when she started clawing at her wrists.

“Blu stop!” I held her hands, she tried to get her hands out of my grip but she couldn’t. She let out one of those frustrated screams. “What the f**k Blu?”

This time her head snapped up to mine. Her eyes were red and watery. She was crying. How the f**k was I supposed to handle a crying dead girl. “I thought you got better.” She whispered. And when I didn’t say anything she only sniffed in response. “You’re supposed to be better. Aren’t you on medication or something?”

“Where the f**k am I supposed to get the money to get my medication Blu?” I snapped. I was tired of this s**t. “Prescription drugs don’t just fall from the f*****g sky, sweetheart. We don’t all live in the lap of luxury like you do princess.” I was thinking it but I didn’t think I’d actually say it. Because I knew if I actually said it I’d sound like a d**k. And I didn’t want to be a d**k to Blu.

Her mouth hung wide. “You f*****g asshole! Do you know what it’s like to have Bipolar Disorder and have no one in your family to support or believe you –“

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to be labEllad as crazy by every f*****g one you meet?”

“Kai you’re not crazy, you’re sick!” Her scream was loud and raspy. I let go of her hands. Only a handful of people ever described it that way. “And it’s okay. “ Blu put her cold hands on my both sides of my face; cupping my cheeks. “You just can’t be hurting yourself over something you can’t control.” Her big brown eyes were still teary, they left me speechless. “And you can’t hurt other people either.” She slid off the hood, standing in front of me.

Blu wrapped her arms around me. She might have been cold but I felt warm on the inside. “I know you’re trying to help everyone else Kai, including me. But don’t try save everyone if it means shooting yourself in the head in the end.” I looked down at Blu. And she looked up at me, resting her chin against my chest. . I wrapped my arms around Blu. And her eyes were sparkling, and she gave me one of those sad smiles that had me thinking something sad was going to happen.

But it didn’t. For a minute everything felt like it was gonna be okay. And I wasn’t being crazy or sick. I was okay, even if it was for a brief second. Blu and everything around us, for that brief moment, was okay. Then I heard a voice in my head whisper; Kiss her.