Withering Soul

Trainee

After a year. I got into an agency company as per my tutor's suggestion, Jacky. I didn't know how it felt till I was inside doing stuff. Which I didn't like, freaking much. And it became my first rebellion, if I could say so. I trusted dad and mom, and when they asked me to prepare for an audition, I did prepare. I didn't have any idea what kind of things I would do there. The preparation and the audition were done well. It's a toll-free route. And I joined. I was officially called a trainee. But when I looked at the contract agreement, I couldn't agree. Such a life was not for me, I believe. My 24/7 would literally be under their supervision. While I only had one goal, producing my own music, to become a rapper. Not involving other people in my career, not gonna dance while singing, not gonna be an idol person they designed, well I just hated it. I just didn't like being someone who was not me. I hated being in a situation where I had to pretend to be what people wanted. Aarrgghh…

"Dad, this is not what I want. Things are good so far. Why don't I continue things as they were? Why should I join this company, and to add to that, do random things which are not my focus?" I was grumbling while seeing the contract agreement on the table. I knew I wouldn't be the one who signed it, dad would do it. But they allowed me to study it because I would be the one who undergoes it.

"Where is that someone who would agree with everything we planned for reaching this goal?" Dad was a bit fierce when responding to my complaints.

"Dad, this is different. I am not becoming an idol. It's not my goal. Or will they allow me to do anything I want? To be someone I want? No. It's not mentioned in the paper."

"Zev…" Mom tried to come in between us.

"We know it's literally a different thing, son. But, the things you're going to go through are beneficial for your growth and to be the one you want to be. Jacky indeed told us that it was different. But if you can go through all the process, you will gain many things in your hand. Just go. They ask you to dance? Do it. You know you can do it. You have done dance practice for years already. They ask you to sing? Do it. You can sing well. And for that, you can say what kind of singing you want for yourself. You're in it, say it. While doing so, you will gain experience of mingling with various kinds of people, which is crucial for your career. And by doing that, you will also gain some people who will be interested in your talent. The company must have their own method and technique to make you gain some people who are interested in you." My face was sulky all through the discussion. I knew my opinion was not important anymore. I knew it couldn't be canceled in any way. I sighed heavily. I still hated it. But I didn't have the guts to be more rebellious. It's just not me. I didn't wanna hurt dad and mom just because of the temporary bad feeling I had right at that time.

"Isn't it good? When you finally gather many fans. You started your career as you wanted. You said you wanted to voice your opinion to the people. How are you supposed to let them listen to your song when they don't even know that you and your songs exist?" I didn't know that my mom, who was forever elegant and soft, said such kinds of things.

"And you when I told you that this was not gonna be easy. It's true, nothing is easy in this field. You know? When you are trained, we know that during your practice, you will hear harsh words which might hurt your feelings, which means to trample you down. But it's training. We call it training for a reason; to mold you, an aspiring celebrity. Because out there, you will find more ugly things, Zev. Even when you think you did well, not all people will agree that you did well. You know? It would be good if it stayed in their opinion. What if they hate and say mean comments about your performance or songs, which had been prepared by you till you are dying?"

"Honey…" Dad tried to calm mom down. We saw she started to be emotional. And I started to recede. I must have done something terrible.

"Look, Zev. This is the best we can do for now. Or, do you wanna put this on halt? Till you're 17, then leave for the USA by yourself. I am not gonna leave dad alone here. For now, while waiting till you are ready to go alone, just attend school. What do you think?"

"Mom…" I didn't like the idea.

"You have this night to think about it. Join the company, and ready to be molded as a celebrity. Or take a break till it's enough to go by yourself. And because we are in this. You will keep seeing this side of me for your better self. Don't ever think that this field is such an easy road. You will meet more terrible people out there."

I learnt my lesson. Dad and mom tried to assist me while still able to see me close to them. I didn't know how the company would mold me. But I couldn't go further, to go against their idea. Mom's words were truth, which I should trust and obey. Dad finally signed the paper. And after a week of preparation, they sent me to the company. I would be living with other trainees in the company's dorm. Maybe that was one of many ways they would mold us. To be honest, I still didn't like it. But I had to go through it.

Right after the meeting with the PR staff, Ms.Lee, my dad and mom took some minutes to say goodbye. They knew from my expression, I still didn't sync my whole being with the decision. Mom hugged me and rubbed my back gently.

"You know what? This is the first hardest thing for mom, leaving you alone without us. Please do well, son. If we talk about it, this is the first sacrifice we made for your career. The first, from many, maybe countless." I started to sob while hugging her.

"Please be kind and humble, and make many friends. Okay?"

"Can you visit me often?"

"No we can't. But we will do it as often as we can. But one thing, as I have always said, please be happy. What did I tell you to do if you're not happy?"

"Quit"

"Yes. Quit. But don't be a quitter. You know the difference? You quit only when you think that it's not your goal anymore. Reaching your goal is not easy. When you quit because things are not easy, you call it a quitter. Know the difference?" I nodded.

"Let's try to do this for two years. When you think that it's not the way you achieve your goal. Let's think of another way. Okay?"

"Really? Can I do it?"

"Sure. You can do it. We do it that way. We do our best, and we evaluate. When things go south, we change direction. Simple."

"Thank you mom. I love you"

"I love you son"

...

After occupying my room, I stood silent. I was allowed to make up my room for that day while waiting for another occupant to stay in the same room with me. It was an apartment house on the top floor of a 7-storey building. There are 5 rooms with a living room, kitchen or pantry and a music studio complete with various musical instruments. There was a swimming pool and a gym with basic equipment for physical training. Seeing the rooms and the beds, there might be more than 10 people joining me as trainees. In my room alone, there were two two-level single beds, meaning, 4 people were designed to be in the room. But Ms.Lee told me, there would only be 2 in my room until further notice. I cried. From the feeling of hatred, being in that situation. I felt like dad and mom were on purpose to desert me in that place. The feeling of being abandoned. But I quickly control my thoughts. There's no way dad and mom would do such kinds of things to me. They loved me to their bone.

"Arrrggghhh, I hate this!" I shouted while still sobbing, not realizing that someone was at the door standing, looking at me coldly. A handsome tall boy. His style was swag, with loose jeans and an oversized t-shirt with a blazer, and some accessories on his body; ear rings, a chain necklace and some rings on his fingers. I can say he was so ready to be an idol. In a quick way, I made up my face and stood up. Bowing my body and greeted him. He looked older than me.

"Hi… welcome in. I am Zev", I said my name. He stepped his foot inside the room dragging his suitcase and answered me.

"Hi, I am Lucky. How old are you?"

"13 years old"

"Oh, call me hyung(older brother). I am 15 years old. Did you cry?" I looked down at the floor, feeling embarrassed. I truly didn't wanna admit that I did cry.

"Things are gonna be more harsh. Hold your tears. Just work hard"

"Alright hyung. Thank you", So I got an older brother as my roommate, which made me a bit relieved. Later, I knew I was the youngest amongst us all. There were 20 of us, and the oldest was 18 years old. We started to organize our staff, leaving two other beds and cupboards empty. From him I knew that was a good thing to do. Just in case, 4 people might occupy the room. And just like what Lucky had said, there were exactly 4 people in the room. But the other two would come later than us. They might be from the countryside.

"Is this your first time as a trainee?"

"Yes Hyung"

"This is my third time. I have changed companies. This is the third. I started at your age too."

"Why did you change companies?"

"Many reasons. The main thing is, I want to debut at the best company as soon as possible."

"Does it mean the previous two were smaller companies?"

"Yeah. And when my dad asked, they still didn't have a clear picture of the upcoming debut. I intend to join a boy-group as soon as possible. As an idol. You?"

"Aren't we all here intending to debut as a boy group?"

"Ah, yeah. I guess so."

"Is it your dream to be an idol hyung?"

"Yes. It's my dream. That's why I said I should debut as soon as possible. I started to be impatient about doing the same practice every day without a clear idea of when I would get to the recording studio and perform on stage. It's been 3 years. I hate waiting."

"So, is it clear now that they are soon debuting a boy group?"

"Yes. My parents had clarified the information. They are now preparing for it. If I can pass through the monthly evaluation, I might join, like maybe, in two years."

"Wah… it's a long time wait"

"I know. But at least, I have something in mind, I have a goal to achieve."

"Good luck hyung."

"Thank you. Don't you want to join us too?"

"I don't know. Being an idol is not my goal. I simply want to make my own music and become a rapper. And my parents suggested that I do this. I just follow them. I don't know if this is the right way to achieve it."

"It's okay. You can do some thinking while doing your best in the training. When you feel you need to make a decision, just make it. Nothing to lose."

"I guess so. And hyung, if you find an even better company than this, would you go there, leaving this one?”

“For now, I guess I should stay. I mean, the goal is clear. And this company is good enough. They have a clear schedule for debuting a group every two years. This year, in the last 3 months, they debuted a girl group. It means that they will debut another boy group in two years. I think that is it. I will make this home for now.”

“I see, you know many things, hyung.”

“Yeah. I should. Information like this is entertainment for us, to keep us from being bored. You… if you have any questions, just ask me. I might know the answer too.”

“Can you do it? I mean, in this case, I am your rival?” He chuckled while bettering his blanket.

“You seem to adapt quickly. It’s okay, on the stage, we are rivals, but in real life, we are all brothers. At first, it was difficult for me to live in such a duality. It was hard to make friends. But by time I was learning how to do it. Just be a man, be sportive. If you are indeed better than me, then that’s it. But in this field, you know, such a principle is not applicable. No matter how talented or great you are. If people don’t like you, it’s all useless. So I think, oh, nothing in this field can be designed as I want it to be. I only need to be the better version of me, every day. If people still don’t like me that way, there must be some people who will like me the way I am, while keeping trying to do well with my talent. And it all starts with the closest person to you. All of us. We should live like brothers. And if we can, help each other. Even when the world doesn’t like us or hates us, brothers should be there cheering for us and helping us to stand on our own feet. In time, you will understand it.”

“Hyung, you are so cool. I admire you. When you debut, I will be your number 1 fan”. He was giggling.

“Thank you. Even if you are not, it’s okay. Just don’t hate me”

“It’s nonsense, how can I hate you?”

“There will be a time when it happens. For no reason, we just don’t like one of us. Maybe because one of us is complemented by our coach while we are being scolded. Or when one of us is loved by many people, while we think we have done much better than him. Something like that. When such a thing happens, just remember, it’s okay not to like me, but please, don’t hate.”

“I think. I know nothing hyung. I started to be scared”

“Hey, we’re not even started yet. Be courageous! We can do it. When we forget, let’s just remind each other. Okay?”

“Okay hyung”