Withering Soul

I Lost Her

The next day at school. The same thing happened, nothing changed. I was expecting that she would notice me, the boy whom she met at the church on the last day. Nope. I saw the same Sofie. She was back to her ugly appearance. She was shining brightly the day before at the church, and I remembered how pretty she was. And that day, she was back to her messy appearance. Sitting like a stone on her chair, barely moving or talking. When it's break time, I gathered my courage to talk. I left my chair and walked to her table. Standing right in front of her. She didn't budge. But I had decided I had to say something.

"Sofie… " She moved her head and looked up at me with no expression, and put her head back in its initial position, staring out the window.

"You don't notice me?" I continued.

"I do," she said. More like mumbling. I was glad she finally said something.

"Do you bring your meal?"

"Why ask?"

"I never saw you eating."

"I will, when I am at home."

"Aren't you hungry?"

"No."

"Wanna eat together? I bring a lot. Mom asked me to eat with you." She moved her head again and looked right at my eyes. She finally gave an expression, faintly.

"Aunty?"

"Mmm… " I nodded my head to convince her.

"I brought some too. But I don't like it."

"Then let's eat mine. C'mon… " I walked back to my seat and took the meal box mom had prepared for me. She made a delicious sandwich with egg, vegetables and cheese. And the orange juice she produced from real oranges. Mom had always cared about the intake of food in our house. I took the meal box back to her table, managed to pull a chair and sat right across to her. I placed the meal box and two bottles of orange on the table. I handed her one of the boxes with a sandwich inside and a bottle of orange juice.

"Is it okay? It's eggs, vegetables and cheese…" She reached the box, opened the lid and saw the sandwich. She nodded. I took that as a good sign, and I ate mine. She followed me. She ate hers.

"What did you bring? Why don't you like it?" I tried to break the silence while munching. She kept chewing calmly and shrugging her shoulders. I took it as she didn’t want to tell why or maybe she didn’t like the food. She put the sandwich back into the box and reached for her bag, taking out a meal box. She put it on the table and opened the lid. I saw a super delicious delicacy. It consisted of beef cube steak and beef salad garnished in a very elegant way in two-level boxes. From the smell, I could imagine how delicious the food was. For a split second, I tried to guess who made it. It was too early in the morning to order such a kind of food from a restaurant or hotel. A chef in her house? Or made by her mom? But why didn’t she eat it?

“Does it mean that you actually bring your meal everyday?” She nodded while continuing to eat her food. She left her meal box open. I was not sure what her purpose was, but she didn't touch it. So I didn’t touch it. After finishing the sandwich and the orange juice, I tidied up my boxes and bottles and put them back in the meal box bag. And she did the same to the meal box she had opened which we had left untouched. She looked at me right before I stood up about to put back the chair and got back to my table.

“Thank you…” I was stunned, looking at the expression in her eyes. She sincerely thanked me. I can’t describe how happy I was to get such a precious expression from her. But it might be because our meal time was definitely great. She finished all her portions, including the juice. She even said thank you. After taking my time savoring the expression she sent me, I suddenly had an idea.

“My pleasure. Should I tell my mom to make enough for both of us tomorrow too?” I really wished she would say yes.

“Wouldn’t it be a hassle?” Oh, another oh in my head. She even knew how to say such kinds of polite words.

“I don’t think so. Mom always makes a lot of food in the morning for me and dad. It wouldn’t be such a bother to double my portion”

“Say thank you to aunty. I enjoy it” and she stopped. She didn’t say yes. But I decided to take it as a yes. It’s gonna be nice to have a meal with her every day.

She had been a bit different towards me ever since. She still didn’t smile at all. Her expression was still flat. She still didn’t utter any words. But she responded to me, finally. Started from having meals together. She answered when I asked, but not with certain questions like why didn’t she eat the food prepared by her mom, still a mystery. And oh, I still didn’t know if it’s cooked at home or bought from some place. But everytime she had an intention of showing me, all the look and the smell of the food was superb. But I couldn’t eat any of it, as a sign that I was waiting for her answer, why.

Our school mates finally made a decision to call us close friends. They started to stop teasing and bullying her. Instead, they trusted me, and I would choose a good friend. Her life started to look better. All of us finally accepted that she was she, a girl who was very silent with a capability of excluding herself from the world. And we had just received the fact that we indeed had a friend like her in school. And I was happy because she finally had a peaceful life at least, with no one daring to tease or mock her. As long as she felt comfortable, enough to make me happy.

We went through grade 3, and up to grade 5 and almost to grade 6 that way. Right before the new academic year started, we heard some heart-wrecking news. Brenda Young, who was once a well known actress, died from cervical cancer after spending her past 3 years fighting against the disease. And I knew, for one year, during the time we were in grade 5, Sofie was living with her dad only, in Seoul. Her mom was living in Canada while undergoing medication. Through that 1 year, Sofie's condition got worse. To the point she only responded to me by nodding or shaking her head. But amazing, she still attended class everyday. From mom I knew a bit of her story. While her mom was living alone in Canada, her dad had a girlfriend. What’s worse was, he took his girlfriend home, and they were not divorced yet. I did my best to assist her in a very kid way. I wished I could help like an adult person did, but I didn't know how. Mom packed meals for both of us every day, once at a time, she would eat, but most of the time, she ignored the food. Sometimes, mom even came to pick us up from school and brought her along to our house after school. Mom tried to have a conversation with her which was answered in her very own way, only showing a light expression in her face and speaking through her eyes.

As I had guessed, she didn’t come to school anymore. The last time we met was at a burial ceremony. We knew, from mom, that her mom was actually buried in Canada, but they had the ceremony in Seoul just to announce to the public that she had gone, in a nice way. Sofie’s dad and family hosted the ceremony. I guessed it was for the good name of the family. We knew what he had done while her mom was not living there. While her dad and family were busy handling the guests, she was sitting down in the corner. She was sitting down in the corner of the room with a blank stare at the space with her black dress. During the ceremony, while waiting for my mom and dad to help with the condition, I was there accompanying her. Without anything I could say to help her feel at ease.

Yes, she didn’t come to school after that. She disappeared. When mom tried to search for information about her whereabouts, her dad only said that she was living with her grandparents from her mom in Canada. That’s it. I lost her.

It marked the start of my gloomy life in 2013, which started in March.