Death and a Thousand To-do List

Chapter Five: Kari

I don’t know how death is supposed to be like, but I wonder why I feel like some time is lost. Although I lost my ability to feel anything, I still know how to read time. I remembered looking at my bedroom clock and it was blinking 4:12 A.M. I probably have closed my eyes and opened them, seeing the numbers 7:32 AM.

Where did time go?

“Hon?” I hear my mother’s voice. She’s standing in my doorway but even so, she sounded so distant. “You’re awake. Great, I’ve run the water, do you need my help getting ready?”

Another thing that’s left me confused was that my parents think I’m alive. They see me, like that boy. But others don’t. We’ve had visitors before and I know they don’t see me, but they can feel me. Every time I’m in the room, they look creeped out and try to find an excuse to leave.

But my parents were different. I don’t know if it’s the pain of having their only child die but all I can think was that they were pretending that the ghost of their daughter was not a ghost at all.

I know I love them, that’s why I keep up with the pretense. Key word being know. I can’t feel, but I remember how it’s supposed to be like.

I get up and find the bathroom, take my clothes off and climbed into the tub. Just like emotions, I can’t feel the water. I only remember what it’s like. Being dead is entirely different from what I have I thought. It was all about remembering things, like a memory popping up at the exact moment it should. The only thing I got right was not feeling.

After staying in the water for what I suppose is an adequate time, I get up and dry myself with the towel. It was a routine I remember and so I do it.

It’s also confusing as to how I can manage to touch things. I thought being dead makes you transparent and you can go through people and stuff. But I guess I was different.

I kept pretending every day, for my parents. Even eating food and drinking milk I can’t taste. Love must have been such a strong emotion that it leaves a great echo even in the afterlife. It makes you do things even though you know it’s futile.