Lump

Goodbye Liver

Goodbye Liver

HUGH MCGUMPFREY WAS drunk after six rum and cokes, a shot of Jagermeister, and a snort of lime juice–the latter taken on a dare.

“Elvis are you out there somewhere?” He sang. “Lookin’ like a happy man?” He turned to the woman beside him. “I wrote that song,” he said. She gave him a disgusted look and left.

In all actuality, his ex-friend Brian wrote that song. Hugh merely played the keyboard for that number, and that was as a favor for Hugh’s brother Murphy.

“McGump,” the bartender, Josephine, said. “You better get out of here before you cause a disturbance.” She always warned her customers before having them removed from her bar.

“Josie, lady, I ain’t causin’ no trouble,” Hugh said. He sipped some water from a random glass of melting ice.

“I know,” she winked at him. “But you’ve had your fill and you ought to get home.”

Hugh considered the two of her for a moment, wobbled dangerously on his stool, and decided that he should honor her wishes. He gathered his coat and left the bar.

He stumbled and grabbed onto the first thing he touched, which happened to be an enormous pink elephant.

The elephant took his hat from his hand with her trunk and put it on his head, then helped him stumble home.

The next morning, Hugh woke up with a massive headache.

“Jager,” he scowled. “I should know better by now.” He spit into the sink and waited for the nausea to subside.

In the mirror, something caught his attention and he turned around.

An attractive woman in a towel stood behind him. She smiled and flung herself into his arms and planted a sloppy kiss on his lips.

“Who are you?” Hugh asked.

She removed the towel–Hugh surprised himself by turning around abruptly–and started to dry her long pink hair with it. Hugh just then realized that her hair was in fact pink.

“I’m Pinky,” she said with an upside-down grin. “I’m your liver.” She straightened up, planted a kiss on his lips and left the bathroom. Hugh followed her. She had a big red bag, packed full, that she gripped in a tiny hand.

“You need help?” Hugh asked.

“No,” Pinky said. She giggled. “Maybe a long time ago.” With that she left his apartment.

Hugh suddenly felt very tired and worn down. He went to the couch and dropped onto it, no sooner had he done this, he jumped back up and ran to the bathroom to throw up. After rinsing his mouth, he looked in the mirror and saw his skin held a yellow tinge.

I’m dying, was his first though, and in fact, he was. He fell to the floor just as his liver burst.

Hugh sat up straight in bed with a gasp. He had an empty bottle of Jack in his hand.

“Holy s**t,” he said. “That was some dream.” He started to rub his eyes just as a woman with pink hair dragged a big red bag across the room.